it was beautiful, but i am empty.

this is a fight.
an effort for me.
there is nothing graceful or natural about these mechanics.
my movements are planned, measured and executed with as little personal investment as possible.
i tell myself that i don't know what it's like not to have anything to say.
my blooms are temperamental.
they only come out when they feel like it.

flutter bye.

Welcome Back to the Emo-Fest!

Ahem.

So about that whole...

"Separation of Church and State"
thing.
I think it might just be a load of crap.


Quite impossible, really.

I mean seriously... I listened to the song, Offspring.
You Gotta Keep'em Separated?! I tried. But things were getting too personal. I had too many stalkers. Haters. The words weren't flowing like they used to.

In the battle of good vs. evil; fantasy vs. reality; the professional online persona vs. the personal offline persona... I was losing. But then again... there wasn't really any good fight TO fight, so I may have picked the wrong metaphor.

... there was a lot of yelling, though. Over the phone. With boyfriends and bosses and sometimes both at the same time. Way too many minutes that I can't get back OR get included in my plan.

For those of you who have no idea as to what I am talking about... stumbling across this page might be a little much for you. I feel as though I should apologize... but that might ruin the whole effect.

And as for the rest of you... I have pangs of guilt in your general directions as well. Uh, you see... when I killed this blog back in February of 2006... I started another one to replace it. I have been posting in secret... under a different alias, on a different website, since March of 2006.

Shocking, I know.

The Mission Statement
Originally Written March 19, 2006

Starting over always seems like such a good idea when you first consider it. Deliberations become ideas and theories grow into hopes. You begin yearning for this freedom to actually be what you've wanted to be all along... and suddenly you have the motivation to make it tangible.

You take a few baby steps in a new direction and get caught up in the adrenaline. Your pace quickens to a run and you end up chasing yourself around in circles, drilling further and further into a whole new brand of expectations you never knew you had and desires you never knew existed.

With this new beginning... this creation of a new medium, handle and style- I wonder if to make it successful, will I need to completely remove myself from my old identity? Do I need to find new stomping grounds, new mentors and new peers?

Is it just that I am so afraid of sharing myself- whether it be this new me, old me or some combination of the two- with the masses I feel I have grown with and committed myself to throughout my past?

Afraid of hurting them. Disappointing them. Not living up to their ideals and expectations. I want so badly to be something that inspires and encourages the people in my life... and seem to be unforgiving when my feelings and decisions might fall short of that.

I can't keep going on like this. Chasing an ideal in myself for everyone else. I need to start planting seeds to openly be me- especially when it involves showing my underbelly. Even if it might hurt the people in my life.

So I apologize in advance. In theory I'm already living and loving on Cloud 9. But in practice... here I am on Cloud 8. Almost, but not quite there.

... yet.

As I read over this post, I am amused. Not because the writing was bad or because I'm an emofest... but because I have no idea who, exactly, I was hiding from... except, maybe

myself.

In trying to keep my writing a secret, I lost all motivation to keep up with me. There was no need to post regularly or to make the content genuine. I dug my hole deeper than it really was. Too many identities to keep up with. Too many tight-ropes to walk.

And for what?!

... your guess is as good as mine.

No matter what I do, where I go or which label I attach to myself... the down-sides of sharing my thoughts on paper and computer screens will always be there. The stalkers are going to find me again if they look hard enough. And hopefully, if the starz align, the words will too.

In an effort to step up and actually take on my mission (to write honestly and openly), I am currently in the process of uploading all of the posts you may have missed. That means that things might be messy around here for a couple of days.

Who am I kidding... things are going to be messy around here always. I promise.

The Secret is Out.

Tonight I let it slip that I loved his face. And that I wanted to marry it.

He didn't really respond... just kind of let me try and talk my way out of what I had implied. Then he kissed me.

So yeah. I'm not gonna take it back.

It's just too heavy.

Remind me never to schedule more than one coffee date per 24hr period ever again.

Today I find myself overwhelmed with pertinent life information focusing around romantic relationships. Two different women... two different relationships... two completely different platforms... and too much for me to effing process thoroughly.

Sitting here, I stuff my face with Cheez-Its and get salt on my keyboard. It's all I can do to curb my urge to drive over to Grey's house and cry in his arms. God, I am so fucking scared.

We make so many mistakes. And we willing watch ourselves dig these holes deeper and deeper. We justify the shit out of complete bull shit and then wonder why we end up smelly.

I am scared of what is to become of us.

out on the road today

a little voice inside my head said,

"don't look back.

you can never look back."

long past due.

yes.

it's true.

i have driven you away.






... but i'm still here.



and this is where i'll stay.