So why did I stop updating this time?

Well. Pour a cup of coffee. Grab a muffin.

Let me tell you.

The day after my last post I had my first real break down. I got an email from an unidentified japanese address. It read as follows:

This is not for me. I miss u like hell

Being that this was the only contact fuzzi had made with me since the day of his departure, I flipped the fuck out. Was he okay? Was he going to be able to communicate with me at all while he was there? Would he come home if things didn't develop?

It is very rare that I don't have any answers... let alone ways to find answers. I was powerless and felt that the best way to deal with it would be to ignore it.

I didn't want to jinx anything. I didn't want to admit that I wanted him home. That although I was functioning fairly well, I had little enthusiasm for anything outside of colorguard. I was afraid to flip-flop back and forth, showing everyone my instability and panic.

It is ever-exhaustingly amazing how fast things can change. This cloud has been hanging over me for so long now, trying to deal with the upcoming stage of my life with such dread and lack of enthusiasm... promising myself that it would pay off in the long run. That the impending suffering would make the end so much sweeter.

And now, within 3 days, my attitude has exploded into this exuberant energy that can't wait to see what happens. Everything about everything is so much brighter now and I am forever certain now... that your life is not what you make of it if unless you share it with the ones you love.

My bebi is coming home. And I'm going to love the shit out of him.

Getting the Worm?

While I don't consider myself a morning person... damn do I love getting up early sometimes. Today my brother and I hit the gym at 8:30am. After I finished my workout, I read for a half an hour at the near-by Starbux, while enjoying a bagel and iced coffee. I got home, showered and dressed for the day by 11am... and felt so amped that it was still so early.

The other bonus is that because my day starts earlier, I get tired sooner. Like right now... I have a huge post I want to write up while I'm feeling it... but I can't keep my fucking eyes open.

This is good. I won't be able to cry myself to sleep like last night.

362. 361.

I'm avoiding social situations.

There is no way I am going to get drunk right now.

It would only result in me losing control over my emotional state of being.




363.

Scan Reveals Nothing

New bull shit job... same bullshit system.

Turns out that I will actually be nowhere near a scanner. The office is converting to electronic medical records through a simple series of data entry. There are 3 other employees working on this project, and since its beginning in June, they have only gotten halfway through the letter C.

I work at an old front desk computer, no one within 2 rooms of me. All of these factors, combined with the motto of "take your time and be thorough," leave me with no motivation to avoid multi-tasking.

... meaning that I will be checking my email and/or updating at least twice a day.

Lunch? Break!!

Yeah, this might be a count down.

364.

That's right, bitches. One down.

And I only welled up with tears TWICE today.

What, what?

Why yes... I am a bad ass.

Thank you.

My strategy?

Simple.

Get back into my life.

So here are a few tid bits:

The new owners of the pub have brought in a surprisingly competent staff and I am stoked to see how the social circles develop. Can't wait until we switch over to the seafood and sports bar. Why? Because there will be karaoke! Giggle.

Guard is going too well for words. My custom uniforms are FINISHED already, and most of the squad already knows Fight Song. Band Camp ain't gonna know what hit it this year.

I start a temp job at my mom's office tomorrow. Scanning medical records for $10 an hour. Lots of time to listen to music. I have a bunch of newly-burned CDs waiting for me to love them. This will help me pay off the $1500 I racked up on my credit card over the last two months (no regrets).

Currently, I am chatting it up with a shit-ton of people I haven't talked to in a while and jamming out with my brother to some of his new itunes.

And the truth of the matter is...

I'm gonna be okay.

365 days until I get writers block again.

I sit and I write with a sad sort of confidence because I am back to what I know.

I am wistful and longing again.

Aching. And lonely.

For love.

You see... knowing that I will be unsatisfied- sexually and emotionally- robbed of an intimacy that my heart bleeds without... I will be able to find that person I used to be.

Words bleed again, but this time for a different reason.

This time it’s to keep busy until he comes home.

To make sure he knows that I am still here.

And that I am lacking.