Sunday, October 03, 2004

Reluctant, I am.

Constantly searching and yearning for something to go wrong. For a reason not to care. For a reason not to believe. To find something concretely unacceptable about him.

Why? Why can’t I just sit back and finally enjoy the butterflies I have been chasing after what seems to be my whole life?

The music, the magic, the quiet, calming, unspoken comfort between us… it’s all there.

Why am I trying so hard to ruin this for myself?

Maybe it’s fear. An emotion I have not really addressed yet.

Have I fallen in love with the lifestyle I used to cry over? The role of the bitter, single woman with eyes wider, older and warmer than one would expect- THAT is me. Do I lose who I am if I find a man who warms my heart and challenges my spirit? I don’t know how to be me without the fear of being alone but being okay with that.

What will I write about?

Do I want a life that produces poetry or a life that inspires it?

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