Daddi.

They say that we fall in love with the parent of opposite sex, and are then left doomed to search the earth for someone who compares. In my case... this is totally the case.

My father is one of the only reasons that I have any faith in men, and even he has had, and then left, two wives, each with two children.

I cried for the first time last Friday... thinking about Grey not being here anymore. It's getting too close to pretend it's far away.

You see, Dad and I ate brunch together, and as per our usual, we got into deep conversation. We talked about love. And how there is a difference between being in love and being ready to put in the work to maintain a loving relationship. There are different levels of intimacy... and a separate ladder of logistics that can parallel that intimacy.

It sucks when the ladders don't line up.

Sure enough... I have fallen in love with my father. With a man who's feelings are there, but without the desire to make it work.

Dad asked me if Grey and I had discussed what would happen if he didn't get the job in Japan. Two hours later, I realized that I had so much to tell Grey... knowing that he didn't have much to say to me in return.

But my train of thought was interrupted. By Grey... informing me that he did, in fact, get the job.

All of that speculation... and all of the revelation that came along with it- for not. I didn't expect my heart to break like that when I heard the words. I guess I had done a fine job of pretending that I wouldn't have to deal with the hurt of losing someone you love.

I know that Grey's focus right now is all about figuring out who he is and where he wants to go with his life. He is unsettled, unhappy and his motivation teeter totters with his moods and waves of insecurity.

I have already figured out who I am and what I want to do as an individual (at least in a broad enough sense to build a foundation). My motivation and drive have blossomed over these last three months and I am well on my way to getting where I need to be in order to accomplish my goals. Because of this, my focus has turned to sharing my journey with others... picking and choosing who... and seeing how my relationships can foster and facilitate my movement towards living the dreams I used to be too afraid to voice.

Obviously, a romantic counter-part is a big part of this puzzle. Having someone present in my life whom I love so deeply put that possibility right in the middle of my world. My relationship with Grey serves only to distract me and hold me back because HE is NOT ready.

And that's okay. More than okay, really... it's fabulous. This gives me time to celebrate and fly solo for a while, in this newly realized search for my future. It gives him time to take flight as well... and who knows if my presence would have fostered or held him back from that? We all tend to lean on the people we love when we are insecure or needy... and I would hate myself if I was the reason he never figured out what he wanted on his own.

We shall see if our flight patterns mesh... when we are both ready to fly, together.

He needs to leave. Not only in order to get moving on his journey... but so I can let go... and move on in mine.