Have you ever gotten an unexpected gift? One that just made you feel so 'special' inside? Well. I got two of those yesterday.

The good gift was an excellent scrap book and set of pens.
From the bestest human on the planet.

The other gift was...

A pumpkin.
A huge pumpkin.
A huge pumpkin with my name carved in it.
A FUKKIN JACKOLANTERN WITH LIZ CARVED IN IT.

Who does this?
Besides your run-of-the-mill psychos, you mean?
A male admirer of mine.

Yes.
My life is complete.
WHY ISN'T THERE ANYONE NORMAL OUT THERE?

Ummn. Sketch?
Yes.
I'm afraid.

So yesterday...totally had a leak in one of my tires... so I decided to play it safe and drive the wagon to school.
Yeah. Totally broke down on 270. Totally missed all of my classes, missed my voice performace, and getting back my HUGE english paper. Totally had to pay $114 to get it towed back home.
Play it safe my ass.

OK. Enough with this self destructive crap. So my life isn't exactly 'peachie.'
Time to get over it. I mean, I'm still allowed to cry and be in a not-so-happy mood... but I'm getting behind in my daily functioning.

I need to get a job. Face the facts. Dad can't help pay for drumcore because he needs to pay for his treatment and surgery... SO HE CAN STAY ALIVE. That is a good thing. He is making a smart decision. Yes. Woo.
So what if I can't march? Who knows if I would have made it anyways. I'm getting ready to throw in the towl at PB anyways. It just isn't worth it. I'll find the kids someone more qualified. Get myself out of that poopbucket full of drama.

And hopefully I'll be moving out for spring semester. Into a place that I'll actually feel comfortable in. WOO.
And I like being at home for a lot of reasons. Love, support... being around people who attempt to make you feel good. Safe. But too safe!! I want to be on my own again!! Just be patient... your family needs you. And you don't have selfish little pricks to deal with at here. Well, Mike isn't thatbad.

And boys... well... they suck even when your life is going well. You don't want or need one anyways. Go cuddle with your cat. And read a good book. Icecream is good too. Mmmmmn.

Now, Liz. Go visit Nonnie. She needs you to be strong. Literally. You hafta help her walk to the bathroom.

Who needs to have a happy and healthy family? Not me.
Who needs to have a social life? Not me.
Who needs to march drum core? Not me.
Who needs to live away from home? Not me.
Who needs anyone to actually give a fuck what's going on in thier life? Not me.

Yeah. This self-doubt crap sux.
So does this self-pity shit.
I'm so pissed off... why the hell can't I just get a break?

Go away.

It was positive.
My dad has prostate cancer.

My sleeping patterns are horrible. I feel like I am wasting so much time. I don't feel like I am getting anything of consequence done. Everything seems so trivial and pointless.
Classes are going well... but I find that I don't need to do a lot of work outside of going to class at all to stay on top of things. That's bad- I get lazy. I want work to do. I want something to write about. This floating around doing nothing sucks so bad. I want an agenda.

My family is suffering from more physical problems than I know how to handle. It makes me worried that I am next in line- but more importantly- I'm so afraid of losing them. My grandmother and my father seem to be the most questionable. I don't know what I'm going to do when they leave. It makes me go numb just to think about it.

I just feel like I'm in the center of a tornado. I, myself, am fine. In the eye of the storm, I feel a false sense of security. All of this danger and badness is circling around my existence and I am afraid to move in any direction. I am afraid of getting caught up in the powerful winds of this suffering. I'm dizzy, cold and lonely. I can't seem to find my way out of here- but if I try to get through and fail... I'm going to get caught in a cycle that my mind cannot handle right now.

I cannot find one of my semi-new, too-white Filas.
You know what I'm talking about. That pair of shoes you purchased because they were on sale... the pair of shoes that are totally white, with the exception of maybe a few light-blue stripes. The pair you know you can't where in public right away because the light reflected off of them would blind people. The pair you can only wear for about a month before they lose that oh-so-white magic and turn that weird tan color.

I wanted to wear that pair today. Damn you, Fila. Damn you.

Who is important to you? Who will you remember when you look back on your life? It's funny how sometimes the biggest impacts can be made by the smallest occurrences.
I mean, how often do you get to see the sunrise on the Maryland coast towards the end of october?

So today I created my Sub Profile.
And being the loser that I am, I wanted to put up a link to my own website. Of course, I haven’t updated my web site in over 6 months, so it has been deleted.
By default, I thought… My Blogger! Woo! I can put a link to My Blogger up! Of course, I only blogged once… and that was 8 months ago.
So yeah…
Let’s Try Some Substance Here, Liz!