this is supposed to be where i say i am sorry.

but i'm not going to. fuck that. fuck you.

i care way too much. always have. about other people. how they feel. and how they feel about me.

and that has always gotten me into trouble. always gotten me to a point where i can't be the perfect person they thought i would always be... and so i make a mistake.

maybe mistake isn't really the right word. i make a decision they don't like. i do something that doesn't suit them. i betray and wrong them in such ways they never thought possible from someone like me. or they chalk it up to "just figures" that they would get shitted on by me because that's how everything in their life seems to go. they tell themselves that they should have known that i wasn't the sparkling diamond that i had seemed to be.

well here's a little news flash. i am a diamond. i am rare. i am unique. i fucking sparkle. i can be smooth and slick and touch you in ways you never knew.

but like any diamond... i am flawed.

and my biggest flaw is that as much as i try to live for myself... i always end up acting for someone besides myself. and just when i get the balls to start doing things for ME instead of THEM (heaven forbid)... they call me on it and make me feel like shit.

tragic, i know.

and then there are those that say because i am aware of this fact... because i have the knowledge of how i am screwing myself over and letting other people's struggles take precedence over trying to fight my own... that i cannot use it as an excuse.

well fuck you all too. i'm not excusing my behavior. i'm just doing the best i can.

and continuing with the whole diamond that i am thing... i'm made of the strongest stuff you've ever seen. so i'm going to get through it.

with.

or without you.

so here's where you take a lesson from Dr. Liz. try to look at the situation from my end of it. have a little care and compassion for me. suck it up. realize that i am only 22 years old and that i DON'T have it all figured out. if you feel like i am that important to you and your life then drop this petty bullshit and just be my friend.

friends are those who let you be yourself... and enjoy the self that you get to be. it is time for me to be honest with myself and realize that i'm not going to enjoy all the selves out there... and i'm certainly not going to fall in love with all of them either. and neither will you all.

and that's ok. we aren't supposed to, i don't think. the trick is... you've gotta know when to fold them. if you figure out they aren't the sort of diamond you want on your jewelry...

get an amethyst.