The "He"

If I was sadistic enough, I could categorize the periods in my life by the male(s) I have been "in love" with during that time. That being said, I feel as though it is only fair that I explain the current state of being this blog begins itself in.

For the first time in my life I am in love and vulnerable. I do not have complete confidence and control over this "relationship," and I really don't know what to do with myself. So much so that I hesitate to even call it a "relationship" without putting quotation marks around the word.


His name is Grey. Grey Matters. He is, despite his name, so much more than the comfortable shade of gray he makes his home in. There is no need for me to wax poetic about all of the little, big and medium-sized things I find in his eyes that lead me to love him so- SEE?!?! Cheese ball much?

Anyway. This is the revisiting of my first love. My first a lot of things. We have come and gone in and out of each other's lives since the fall of 1998... and the spectrum of our relationship is gargantuan, yet still continuing to grow at mammoth speed.

This one could really hurt me. And I am very fearful that he will. Mainly because in the way that I wasn't ready for him in high school... he is not ready for me now.

I am counting down the days until I have to say good bye. Not because of some fear that he will leave me but because he IS leaving. Quite soon, actually. For Japan. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way... but I am anxious. Anxious to see if our paths will ever cross again... and if they do... will this love be as real and big as I think it might be.

I am counting down the days until I have to say good bye. Until I have to end this period and wait for a new he.

Because for the first time in my life... I don't want a new he.