Do I have the blues?

What exactly are the blues?

I’m trying to remain cheerful and on top of my game. I am succeeding. But I leave this wistful loneliness for myself while I am alone in my room.

I’m aching so badly for something more than an empty attraction.
I just keep my hopes up for the start of the semester. When I’ll be back at school and meeting lots of people. My classes are going to be amazing and I am going to learn a lot. So no matter what, something good will come out of this.
All I really want from this semester, though, is for the sparks to fly- the connection to be made. The fleeting and temporary, dizzy spin of a crush.

I want someone to come along of the opposite sex that truly gets me thinking. That truly gets my heart pumping. It’s been a long time. Too long.

I don’t even like listening to love songs anymore. Because I don’t even have anyone to fantasize about during them, let alone someone to associate them with. I hear songs of my past lovers… and I forget why they meant something to me. That makes me cry. My heart gets so heavy, like it has drained all of my strength just to keep it thumping.

For once, I truly am not down on myself about this though. I don’t think it is because I am not worthy. I don’t think that I am so fat and ugly and undesirable that I can’t get anyone…

There just isn’t anyone within the state of Maryland right now (that I am aware of) that I want to get.

And if there is someone… they haven’t shown me that they are worth getting. I guess because I have gotten older… mentally more than physically… I have a firm grasp on what I am looking for. And my standards are high. Not unrealistic- but fuckin’ high. And I’m not lowering them. If I lower them, then the person I am lowering them for certainly isn’t spark-flying material. So why bother?

Exactly. That’s why I am not going to.

But this waiting around crap is really hard. I mean, I’m not waiting, exactly- like I said, I am on top of my game… I’m having a lot of fun and doing what I need to do. But that thought in the back of my head is always there. “Will I meet anyone today? Will someone blow my mind today? Ever?”

I don’t think about it when I’m out and about… but old habits are hard to break. Romanticizing things are one of my favorite things in the world. But I can’t exactly romanticize winter guard practice or helping 17 year olds pick out CORE classes.