Christmas Confessions:

i'm sorry everyone... i have been keeping some things from you this past month or so. but with my returning to G'burg and the end of the semester... this saga has come to an end. Alley sent me a wonderful email full of things for me to keep in mind... but one quote hit me in particular.

It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said - gently - that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born - and that this something needs for you to be distracted so it can be born as perfectly as possible.

-Anne Lamott

i'm not going to lie to myself. this semester has been one of insane challenges and new situations for me. my entire college experience has been one of great change, drama and sadness. and no, i'm not doing one of those pity party things... i am keeping in mind the essence of that passage. throughout all of this work, stress and nastiness... i have learned and grown a lot. i have made a ton of progress in becoming the woman i want to be. and well, i think that this big, lovely thing that is being born...

is me.

without everything that has been going on... without moving around so much, without commuting all those semesters, without working with orientation, without all my family problems, without all of my lost and loved friends... i wouldn't be who i am. i wouldn't believe or want or love the things that i do.

i somehow manage to distract myself with my life just enough that when i turn around and look at myself i still seem to find something new and wonderful that makes me proud to be who i am.

most recently... the new and wonderful thing was that i got up enough courage to tell my exroommate that i have been uncomfortable around him because i had developed more-than-friend feelings for him. i always knew in the back of my mind that it wouldn't work out... but that didn't matter. i still wanted him to know.
and yeah, it didn't work out- but i was honest and i had enough faith in myself and our friendship that things would be ok no matter what. of course... i had my meltdown, i had my tears, and i had the support system of what seemed like billions of friends who were there for me and proud of me for going through with it.

i had fallen in love with the idea of him... and the idea of being with someone again. it didn't help that i saw him ALL of the time and that he is an extremely flirty and adorable guy who always seemed to know just what to do to make me laugh and feel special.

sigh. loneliness can do crazy things to you.

and yeah... i still love him to death and i will always carry a piece of him around in my heart, but i also know that he isn't the one for me. i knew that from the get go. but i looked passed all of the BLATANT reasons why we wouldn't work together because i wanted that happiness so bad. i wanted that magic. and i created it in my brain.

i'm just thankful that he didn't quirk out and act like a dick to me. he came pretty damn close... but a very special friend of mine came to his rescue. i owe that special someone a big hug.

sorry, i know i am still being vague... but going back and recounting everything that happened throughout all of this would be too draining and you all really don't need to know all that. plus... i already did it once. heh. just not on paper.

anyways... now that school is over... and i'm back at my momz place... and i don't have a 24/7 distraction in the form of four wonderful men wandering around (only one- and my brother doesn't really count- even though he is pretty damn hot)... my page is going to be paid a little bit more attention. i have already gotten a few responses to the featured writer idea, and i shall try to implement that before Xmas. i would also like to put up more of my own writing and get some of my lyrics up here after jason and i have worked on them more. so yeah, don't start slacking because you are all going home for the holidays... you still need your daily dose of lizzie goodness.