i'm having issues with updating. i feel like too much is going on... and that there is no way i can keep you all correctly informed in a timely manner. and i'm afraid of posting about some of the things going on that involve my social life. you know that whole "you talked shit about me on your web page" type deal. yeah... i don't need to go there. i am suddenly very aware that valentine's day is coming up quickly. i am very torn and confused. sad too. things just don't seem to be working out.

dawn, who i barely even talk to anymore, told me that i need to be more selfish. i do keep letting situations and people get the best of me. as always, my good intentions don't seem to count for jack. and, as usual, people never seem to give me back what they expect of me. i am going to have to revamp my friends list and add a new, bigger section called "acquaintances." it's just a shame because i do care about the people in my life so much. i'm tired of not being cared for in return. i don't think i'll ever be able to stop caring... but i can try to control how i act on that caring. i keep finding more and more that with people and life... friendships and loves and all kinds of relationships are all based on convenience. call me crazy, but i want more than "you're here so i guess we can chill." i want genuine.

and i know, that is very hard for me because i am guilty of not making or even returning phone calls more than anyone... but since i moved back home... i haven't heard from so many people. it's like because i'm commuting again... i'm not worth including anymore. that extra effort is too much. well try thinking about it from my end. everything is an effort for me. the scheduling, the drive, the money, the "where am i going to sleep" issue... and then there is the guilt that i feel when i can't make it. when i'm too tired. when i'm broke. so i end up tossing and turning in my loneliness... having a pity party for myself.

it sucks. i try to avoid it. i am busy. i adore my classes. i adore my jobs. i am getting my shit together. family is nothing but love. i'm starting to get out of the negatives, financially. music is pouring out of my mouth. i got a bomb new hair cut. but damn. we know that people and relationships are my world... and right now that world is so scattered, inconsistent and doubtful.

fuck you, blogger.