aight. all of those ideas about "that time of the month" being the basic cycle of a woman's mode of operations... yeah, total lies.

there is a bigger, more powerful system at work... trying to rule the way us ladies do business. seasonal fashion? no... although some women subscribe to that mode of operation, that is nothing in comparison to this monster. annual issues of the world's 50est sexy whatevers... not even close.

i am talking about the pheromonal cycle. this cycle laughs in the face of time, and bows to the ruling "it fucking figures" way of dumping its power over us whenever it seems least helpful and most likely to cause drama.

the rules of the game are that you go through period of unbelievable loneliness in regards to the opposite sex. i think during these periods, the pheromones make you exude some sort of undetectable stench that implants words like "prude, commitment, raging bitch, high maintenance and yeast infections" into the minds of men everywhere... subliminally convincing them to avoid any type of romantic or sexual involvement with you at all times. during these periods you cling to episodes of the real world, joe millionaire and trading spaces to fill the biological void. you are often found bitching with your girlfriends, making jokes about becoming a spinster and using the statement "men are pigs" as a sufficient answer for every question.

then... for some ungodly reason unknown to me (if anyone knows please, help me out), every blue moon or so, you have these moments of extreme pheromonal overload. it's not like with your fertility cycles when your cheeks get rosie and your tummy gets bloated to make you appear more ready for procreation... and it's not like you're horny all the time or anything... and your relative attractiveness doesn't really change. but.... without fail... a minimum of four different suitors pop into your life, all within the same short period of time.

now this isn't saying that an abundance of guys drop from the sky and ask you to be their one and only. this also isn't saying that you are suddenly caught in the middle of a love triangle or that you have more men at your heels than you know what to do with. it is saying that on one level or another... a bunch of men make an effort to get to know, include or express a desire to have you in their life. this can be plutonic or romantic... but more often then not, there are undertones of tummy-yummy feelings.

now don't get me wrong here... i'm not complaining about genuinely interested guys on any level approaching me. it is flattering and new and you have the opportunity to get to know great people.

it's just overwhelming... especially because these periods always seem to occur after long droughts. i go from having no real prospects or interests.. worrying only about getting my shit done and together, to suddenly have people vying for my attention.

i don't usually make my social or romantic life the subject of my posts... because a lot of important people in my life read this page and could construe things i write to be offensive, humiliating, rude or definitely inappropriate to share with the world wide weblog. but before you roll your eyes at me, call me a self-centered, attention seeking bitch... or before any of you guys get paranoid and think that you are one of my downpour babies and vow that you will retract any effort to get to know me... reread the post.

were you entertained? ... cause i was. never take yourself too seriously. my life is a soap opera/situational sitcom/standup comedy sketch waiting to happen.