so i went on a little escape this weekend. don't really think it was long enough to have a real effect of my stress level. i wish i could have stayed for a few more days. i wish i could have stayed awake more than i did. my body just needed to conk out, i s'pose. oh well, it was lovely and nice and i missed you. thanx for the hospitality and i wish i could fully describe the events but assholes read this page.
i feel like all of the girls that i know are going through a self-esteem physical appearance thing... and tonight... i'm guessing with the cycle of the moon and all... it's getting to me. i'm going to be flat out honest and blunt and to the point:
with all these wonderful amazing women so totally hung up on how their boobs look in that shirt and how their ass looks in those jeans....
it's giving me a complex.
i cried when i looked at myself in the mirror tonight. i have never done that before. i will never do that again. i am in total shock from this and i don't know how to explain it and i am ashamed that i let all of this get to me. i am ashamed of myself- not because of the way i look- but because i have let everyone who is so obsessed with the idea get to me. i am not the kind of girl who likes to discuss fashion. i am not the kind of girl who won't eat a side of french fries because of the fucking salt content. i don't discriminate when it comes to the guys i date and their weight or fashion sense or anything like that... and i want a guy who doesn't do that sort of thing either.
but for the love of the tears welling up at the corners of my eyes why does every boy i know have to mention, out loud, in almost every social situation what girl he finds attractive, how many ways he'd like to do her, discuss if she is worthy enough to let him give her head, how big are her fucking boobs, is she cute or just sexy, demean some girl if she attempts to say anything that doesn't include a giggle or hair flip, criticize the way her pants fit, have code words and signals for when a hot girl is approaching, or add the words "but i'd still fuck her" to the end of a discussion like it's the only important aspect of her character.... WHY?!?!?!
why is my lack of social sexual life such an issue for me right now? why am i reaching a point of paranoia that i will never date anyone ever again? why does it bother me that most of my close friends right now have never known me to be in a relationship with anyone? why don't i get to enjoy those parts of life right now? why am i now so scared that the reason this void is there is my physical appearance? why do i feel like the fact that my lack of interest in becoming a size 6 is a disadvantage for me in every situation on this planet?
why does every girl i know... no matter what their body type or weight is... think that they are ugly or too fat?
and why... why... why... do i feel bad that i am not like them? why don't i care? why does calorie counting and perfect shoe shopping and gym work-out scheduling not occupy my thoughts on even a weekly basis?
i cannot believe that I FEEL BAD FOR NOT BEING OBSESSED WITH LOSING WEIGHT AND LOOKING ATTRACTIVE ALL OF THE TIME.
if there is any girl out there who sincerely doesn't care how they look all the time... or if guys give them compliments and notice their hair cuts and their manicures... or if the gap, abercombie or forever 21 is having a sale... or doesn't know the weight watchers or jenny craig diet plans... or doesn't annually go through that "i need to lose weight in time for bikini season"... please.... IM me and be my friend.
i quit with boys and i quit with girls and i just quit because everyone says i am wonderful and worthy and special and all this and that but i still... no matter what... always seem to end up alone in my room sharing close to nothing with only my computer screen and a pete yorn cd playing #11 over and over on repeat. i hate this and i hate you and i want to just fucking be happy the way i am. stop trying to make me feel bad for not looking the way you want me to and stop trying to make me join your paraniod about the way we look club. and stop asking me about or mentioning my boobies.
... so much for relaxing before bed.
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