The Story So Far

So I was 18. Freshman in college. Winter of 99. Still hadn't had anyone give me an orgasm.

It was tragic. I was beautiful.

I met him one night on my best friend at the time, Nicole's front porch. She lived in the Kentlands with her mom. She was also tragically beautiful... but in a much scarier costume. Bright pink hair. Very fashionable. She was a photographer.

She was in love with him. Absolutely convinced that he was her prince charming.

But he wouldn't have sex with her. And she was getting very frustrated. She felt like there was something wrong with her.

What she didn't realize was that he still hadn't gotten over his exfiance. I mean... can you really get over someone like Lisa? I know that I never even kissed the monster and I still can't get her out of my mind.

This woman had a way of getting to people. Twisting them around her finger just like all of her amber jewelry. She only wore silver and amber jewelry. She had a hoop pierced through her two nostrils like a pig... she liked how this "ugly" thing could intimidate people so much.

Personally, I think she was just confused and lonely. She wanted to be everyone's everything.

Kinda like I did. But she was better at it so I was jealous. And then she would just hurt people with her influence. I really don't know anyone who has fond and happy memories of this beast when she came storming through.

Anyway... back to the boy.

His hair was bright red. If you put he and Nicole's heads together you'd have a candy dish's worth of valentine's day M & M's.

They were all smoking on the porch. I didn't smoke at all during that time so it was a bit pointless for me.

Nicole had been dating Don for over a month now and I hadn't met him. Should've taken the hint that she was scared of introducing us... for whatever reason.

Maybe she could see what was coming.

I didn't know until we ended up at his house maybe a week or so later and we, all three of us, ended up sleeping in the same bed.

Nicole in the middle, of course. And well... we thought she was asleep.

Get your minds out of the gutter. All we did was talk to the ceiling about the word epitome and its meaning.

To this day we still argue like we did that night. Like lovers who can say anything and know that it won't matter because neither of us will change our opinion or give up on the discussion.

That's pseudo-sophisticated talk for foreplay.

A month or so later Nicole broke up with him and moved onto his roommate, Jeff because he had a bigger penis and would fuck the shit out of Nicole right away. Plus Jeff was in love with me but knew he couldn't get me so he was settling for my best bud. Jeff is very talented at finding the beautiful in people and falling in love with that.

Did I mention the size of his penis?

Anyway. Back to the boy.

I didn't want to be with him. I told him that I wouldn't do that to Nicole. I told Nicole I would never do that to Nicole. But then Nicole told Liz that she and Don would be good together and that Liz should go for it.

Of course Liz didn't believe that shit. But good intentions are not enough, people. Time went on. Nicole got weird. Nicole got resentful. Whether I was with Don or not there was one fact that was clear above all else.

He wanted to be my prince charming. Not hers.

And she would never forgive me for that.

Valentine's Day was coming. I had 4 suitors. I bailed on all of them and spent the night at home, alone, while my family slept.

He brought me a baby pink rose and we ordered the worst pizza i've ever had in my life. Then I snuck him up into my room and he stayed until I can't remember.

The details and logistics of this relationship are not important right now. But I lost of one many best friends.

Because you see she thought that I set out from the beginning to manipulate my way into his heart. And he still believes to this day that all my words and actions are carefully contracted strategery to get him to adore me yet keep him at bay all at once.

That I want him to be helplessly in love with me thus leaving me to fuck him over like a previously charming beast had done not as long ago as we would like to think.

... ugh ... brain fart. don't wanna talk about that anymore.




This week was hard. He came to visit from Arizona. For the first time in 2 years.

This week was hard.

And neither of us could really figure out why. Until the end. Then it was clear... we just need and want more time. We have horrible timing. But not in that cute way like Serendipity.

In each other's absence, the last two years have been full of us using the other as an excuse. Things will be better when Don moves back home. If Liz were here I wouldn't be so lonely. I can't fall in love with anyone else... I have to save myself for Don. Liz is at the top of the list for people I would want to spend the rest of my life with... what's the point of fucking around with girls who don't compare? No one has ever challenged my mental powerhouse of bullshit and ideals like Don has. Maybe he's the only one who gets me.

One week is not enough time to get anyone. Each day added new issues that got in the way of us enjoying each other's company. It was such a sad thing to be a part of. I felt farther away from him this week than I did over the two years of his absence.

Needless to say, we did not make any music together... literally or figuratively.

And now I can't hide behind this dream of an excuse I created anymore. I held back with everyone and everything. I told myself there wasn't enough room in my heart and that nothing else could be as special.

I was wrong.

He is not my magical gatekeeper into paradise. He can't get me writing. or singing. He can't make me happy. In fact the only thing he successfully did this week was make me unhappy. Make me question myself and everything about me. From my taste in music to my weight to my sexual maturity to the way I run my fingers through my hair.

There is no such thing as prince charming. And I wouldn't want one even if there was. I just want someone good, honest and complicated beyond words to let in. I'm sick of having it all together and having all of the answers. I wanted to show him that I didn't... but when I tried to let him in... and he didn't really want to step inside. He thought I was being weird, manipulative, untruthful...

I think maybe he just wanted me to be his princess.

Sweet, innocent, witty and intelligent to a point. Harmless and passive in the public eye but a raging temptress in the bedroom.

And well I am those things... but so much more in addition. And I need someone who wants all the parts of me. Including the neurotic, anal, obnoxious, weak and scary parts.

I just wanted him to know how important he was and is to me. What part he played. I didn't tell you the whole story above... that will take a long time and I already have two novels in the works that aren't making the progress that they should. But this guy taught me so much about myself and about life and about love...

He's one of the most important people in my life. I love him so much that sometimes I can't separate the fuzzy for him and my family.

I don't care if we end up together or not. I just wanted him to know... and believe me. And not think it was some ploy to get him to fall for me again. He told me he held back and that he was scared all week because he couldn't deal with his feelings for me.

He said he was in love with me.

But that's not love. Love doesn't do what he did to me this week.

We hurt each other bad. Real bad.

Further proof that he touches me on such a deep level. But then again... proof that I touch him too I guess.

sigh.

I wish I could just sit this keyboard in my brain and have it just show you everything inside. Words don't do this justice. Absolutely none at all.

I sat down to write this the second he walked out of my house because I needed to get back to me. To get him out of there. To purge this fantasy world centered around this love I've never felt before.

I'm not in love with him. But I love him with all of the chords of ringing harmony in every great rock ballad ever written. I see a life so rich and full of everything for him... and I am touched to be any part in it.

Even if my part is a tragically beautiful one.

But I gotta let this go. I gotta let myself go.

ok. my toes are numb. peace.