fitting that god set it up so my bad luck with love has its epiphany hours before V'day this year. thanx, karma, you slut.

As I type this I am slowly trying to accept the realization that any opportunity for me to have a valentine this year has completely been crushed. It happened about an hour ago.

I’m sure to no one’s surprise… the man that I was secretly lusting and dreaming for in regards to the perfect valentine extravaganza… was drum guy.

It’s about time I started admitting that as much as I say I hate him… that’s probably how much I like him. And I DO mean like like.

It hurts my heart that he hasn’t… through all of this bullshit… really made any attempt to show that he cares about me in any way. But it hurts my pride ten fold that I have to admit that I adore a man who doesn’t treat me anywhere near as well as he should.

And it’s not that “bad boy” thing. Or the “challenge” thing. That’s not why I’m feeling this. I’m feeling this because he and I have been steadily prominent in each other’s lives for the past 3 and a half months. This is the closest thing I’ve had to a real relationship in 3 years.

It just would have been nice to have a real valentine again. It just would have been nice to actually know what it feels like to openly and consistently date someone.

I’m sick of relationship foreplay. I’m sick of just hook ups. I’m sick of just for fun. I’m sick of feeling like I’m in love with an IM window. I’m sick of dreaming about a relationship that I see lived out by two of my close friends.

I’m so ready. Beyond ready. Maybe I passed the safe point and now I’m too psycho to ever be a serious option for anyone.

That whole thing about older, successful and independently loud women being too much for any man to try and tackle... yeah I am actually starting to worry about that already and I’m not even FUCKING TWENTY FIVE yet.

I am positive that there are men out there. Men that would be good for me. Men that I could fall for and actually have a relationship with. But I have no clue where to find them or how to attract them.

And the one thing I am certain about is that I need to disregard any chance of anything with anyone over the internet because it doesn’t work and just feeds my depression.

So there goes my one major outlet into my peer’s world. The rest of my day is spent trying to win the hearts of preschoolers and adolescents.

I will have fun tomorrow. I will dine with my mom… fart around with my brother… eat fondue with some fine single ladies… and see a movie with my roommates.



But the whole time I will be thinking about his slack ass just sitting around his apartment alone all day long… and how he chose to do that over spending “just another day” with me.




And I want to cry when I admit that none of that will even matter on Tuesday when I see him again… because fuck-

I like him.