whim ...

tonight after we all got home from work and socialling around... my roommates and i sat down together to relax with a bottle of wine.

we drank to change. and new adventures.

we giggled away the evening, dancing and speaking in irish accents and i sat in such a contentment that even made my sore throat go away. or maybe that was just my antibiotic mixing with the alcohol.

either way.
i used to think of different times in my life as either full of change or consistent. but now i realize that there has always been a flowing deep inside of me that is always moving and growing and yearning for new experience.

after my morning tea with my girl... i was left with an excitement about rushing to get to work on time that i haven't felt before. i was so excited because i couldn't wait to find out what would happen to me there.

as we grow up every day is a new adventure. but only kids seems to really embrace that. working with these youngsters gives me a daily reminder of what it's like to live without self censoring.

as adults we fall into routine and tend to stay inside the boxes we build around ourselves. the very people i hear criticizing others for being boring and empty are the ones who can't really remember what the difference between tuesday and wednesday is.

i don't want a life where i can look forward to stability. i don't want to be financially secure and have a set group of people that will be permanent fixtures in my daily events. i don't want to master a task or a trade just so i can repeat it mindlessly... over and over again.

i hope to wake up everyday with a surge. because i know that if i stay in bed... i'll have to wait that much longer to begin my next adventure. granted, i hope some of those adventures do involve beds of various shapes and colors and firmness... but this is a tangent.

my desktop picture is a quotable quote by elenor roosevelt. "do one thing every day that scares you." and every time i sit down i was proud to say that i can recall many things that i did that day where fear was looming in my pocket.

but now i don't know if i'm exactly proud of my fears for so many things. i wish fear did not have to drive me to meet challenges. i wish that it was the promise of something new and exciting that pushed me to my limits. not my fear of being left behind or overlooked. or worse- inconsequential.

we are so many things. why can't i try to be them all for a little while instead of just one forever? i don't want to be known of recognized or honored for creating something great or superior.

i just want to be known for taking that risk and putting my heart and soul into my being and for trying to live in surround sound. just for embracing every misstep and wrong choice and making something beautiful of it.

not to change into something beautiful... but to be a beautiful change.