how to deal

oh...
it's all just so...
romantic

even though...
it's not like how...
i planned it


i hate to admit this. but the pain of this last month has been so comfortable. part of me is tempted to go back and read posts from previous years... from the times when i was living at home. when i was single. when close members of my family were having health problems. i know i'd find the same me there that is sitting here right now.

it is so easy to fall back into my old habits. i see it as i spend time with old friends and old flames. i sense it deep inside of me. that urge to go back to touching anyone i have ever felt anything for in the dark whenever our schedules happen to lead us to the same place at the same time. the urge to stay up late with paper and glue cutting and pasting thoughts of you. the urge to type away at this screen and to click away at profiles and websites of anyone that i might be able to connect with. the urge to spend the daylight hours snuggled in bed and lost in a book by a writer far more brave than i.

that same self-righteous longing i have to be able to share this beautiful mess that is inside of me. with no one around but my mother who doesn't know how to understand and my brother who'd rather not.

i understand that our hurt is still very fresh and piercing. i know that i made the right decision and these feelings of second thoughts will be fleeting. but none of this makes it any easier. all the self help books and inspirational quotes in the world can't change that i miss you and us and what it was like not to be like this.

it truly does feel like i am home. and that scares the shit out of me. because i thought i busted out of this box a long fucking time ago.

"i AM myself... and that is NOT enough." ~ Sylvia Plath