It just keeps piling on. Slowly. One brick at a time. Encircling my feet. I was sitting comfortably with this ledge that came up to my waist but the wall is almost over my neck now.

Sometimes things just happen so fast your brain doesn’t register it all at once. You could call this a biological defense mechanism… because if you did take it all in at the pace it is dished out your heart would explode.

Instead, you are left with the exact opposite feeling.

Emptiness.

I saw my grandmother have a seizure in the hospital. That happened on Wednesday. I had been meaning to write about it… the most frightening thing I have ever been witness to in my entire life… but I guess I had just been afraid to relive the moment. And in order to do something justice, you have to experience it fully on paper. So I just avoided it. I still am.

My winter guard rehearsal kicked a lot of ass. That happened on Thursday.

The Pub had the busiest lunch ever. That happened on Friday. I made a lot of money and had a little laugh to myself about one of my coworkers throwing a hissy fit at the head chef. After work I was so tired I took a two hour nap with my cat in my room. It was the best nap ever… and I didn’t even realize that at the time.

I went to a party in CP. That happened between Friday and Saturday. Spent some time with some people that I have truly missed.

I had the worst 4 hour car ride of my life. That happened on Saturday. I was in high heels, got caught in the worst traffic ever, took two naps because I kept nodding off at the wheel, forget my CD’s and had to listen to static radio stations the whole time, cried twice because I thought I was going to disappoint Bubba again, almost got in a car accident, and got a speeding ticket for going 75 in a 65.

Bubba and I are no longer an item. That happened on Sunday. And to say I don’t even know why would be a lie… but to say I do know why wouldn’t be the truth either.

My father turned 66. That happened between Sunday and today.

We put my cat, Snickers, to sleep. That happened today. For 14 years that fat-ass, fuzzy, little bastard was my baby. My best friend. The only being I know that let me hug him all the time… even when he wasn’t really in the mood. There was a tumor in his abdomen and it ruptured. The surgery to try and remove it would have cost more than my family could afford. And there was no guarantee he’d be okay afterwards. I’ve never seen something die like that before. Right in front of me.

Lots of crying this month.

Can’t really think of anything else to say… the holidays don’t really have the same effect when so many things that you hold close to you involve so much loss and fear and pain. But I guess this is what it's all about, really. This hurt I feel reminds me that it means something to me. It all means something. Maybe i just can’t figure out what right away. Here’s hoping I will eventually.

We all live to die… but right now I’m not really dying to live.