so yeah. one bad thing after another. i have come to the conclusion that i have the worst luck and the best foresight ever. i am well aware that things don't work out the way they do in fairytales... but i don't understand why people can't grow some balls and just be upfront with me. i can handle it. i've handled worse. i don't like feeling that people have to keep things from me. i am open communication's biggest fan.. but, yet again... i find myself trusting people that i really shouldn't. holding on to people who really could give a rat's ass about me.

i guess i have always assumed that people care and have a genuine interest in me and my well being because i have that genuine interest in people. call me crazy, but im really starting to get hurt that even though i respect almost everyone i know (unless, of course, there is good reason not to) it seems like no one shows me that same respect in return. people might be afraid and intimidated by me... but they still lie, cheat and hurt me without even a pinch of remorse. i'm scared that i am beginning to lose my faith.

i am really sick of not having anyone important in my life. my list of close friends has trickled down to a meer (shut up, i can't spell... we are aware) 2. it seems as though everyone else has just gotten too busy and cool for me. i mean, i know i have a calling-back phobia... but seriously, no one really knows me or whats going on with me anymore. i have lost all of my boyz (a gender neutral term for our purposes) from distance to drama, and well. i miss them. i miss having people who understand. it has really sucked these past few months not to have anyone who will hug me, whipe my tears off of my face and tell me that everything will be ok. and im not exaggerating. there is just no one who plays that role for me right now. and i'm hurting. there are the few people over the computer that express something of an interest for me and offer to listen. but typing all my whining and loneliness out to a screen of indifferent and monotone words doesn't accomplish it. human compassion is the best medicine inthe world... and the lack of it in my life explains why i am so sick.

i feel like i am dumping on the few people who will listen... and i don't want to because i definitely know how much it sux being everyone's therapist. i've never needed to confide in a bunch of people. i don't like spreading my issues all over the planet. and i mean, only like 10 people ever even look at my page... and they mostly only look for the pix of my hot friends and the sarcastic banter of the bitter club. so i highly doubt too many people will even read this. and if you do... and you feel compelled to try and make me feel better...please don't. i don't need people who don't ever talk to me to read some shit that makes them feel guilty to try and comfort me. that makes me feel dirty.

i just need a real connection with someone again. not just a fake, surface level pseudo interest in what is going on with everyone's lives. i need a friend. and i dunno where to find one. i feel like god has sentenced me to a life of social retardedness. I HATE THIS. I HATE BEING UNHAPPY.

yeah yeah, i know... then do something about it. but i don't have time. i am not a horrible wretch... i get my shit done... i go to work and school and keep my game face on. i don't have time, energy or fundage to party and go out. so i'll pass my time blogging about how lonely i am. and pray that someone somewhere will actually give a damn and maybe find something in here that they understand, appretiate and maybe carry with them.