so i updated on bitter. but i dont want this to get lost in the archives over there... so here it be.

[5/6/2003 06:12:01 PM | starzie ]
being one of the people graduating in 16 days, 18 hours and 56 minutes (not that i am counting down or anything)...

i really don't know what to say about it. with everything that is going on... there hasn't been much time for me to think about this major life transition that i am supposedly about to embark on. frankly, i think it's bull shit.

i highly dislike those who categorize their lives by the stages and things that we have created in our society to keep ourselves busy. i don't think of this as my introduction to the real world... and i am beginning to resent those who keep telling me that i should be getting prepared for it. i have been a part of the real world for quite some time now... and i honestly think that my time after graduation will be a sort of vacation for me.

but then again, i don't think it will be a vacation. i will still have obligations. and... i will still have my innate desire to break those obligations and not get tied or held down by societal expectations.

i have been telling myself to just hang on and keep plugging away. i am counting down the minutes (half-heartedly i must admit)... to a time where i will be able to not spend over 10 hours a week in the car... to a time where i will be able to go out on weeknights and shit, weekends. i am counting down the moments until i will be able to live on my own again. to being able to spend time on my music, my writing, my physical fitness, my desire to travel...

but i just keep wondering... will of this waiting and hoping for what will be... what have i been spending my life doing thus far? was it all pretend? practice? training? what... training for what?

i find myself in a spiritual void that i have barely been filling with a few inspirational courses and souls that only sometimes break the surface of my seemingly smooth sailing.

these responsibilities i have to society. to my family. to my friends....

am i putting them before the responsibilities i have towards myself? towards my own true desires and needs? i have learned so much over the past 4 years. i will never forget... even if i'd like to... the events that have shaped my "college career." i will carry them with me always and i will not just magically snap my fingers and have it all suddenly POOF disappear into a past existence that i only am reminded of by scrap books, certain songs, and stories that get funnier each time i tell or hear them.

but what i have learned... is that my goal... my purpose... my ultimate need in this life... is balance. not balance in the sense of a diet... or a tight rope walk... but a balance of two worlds i have been trying to keep separate. a balance of my over-functioning nature... and my questioning and conflict-avoiding fears.

i am scared. but not of the unknown. not of growing "up." that excites me. what scares me is the idea that through all this....am i missing the point? am i pretending to be someone i am not? i'm scared that i am trying to take on the pain of the entire human population...

and well... to be honest... i am.

it is easier to do than taking on the pain of your own journey. it is much easier to concern yourself with the care and needs of everyone and everything else. you don't stand to lose as much.

i have lost a lot. but instead of embracing that loss and using it and learning from it to help me gain and grow in the future... i keep it tucked and skewed away in the form of guilt and shame deep in the back of my throat. i still often find myself thinking that it was all my fault. if i had just not cared as much... if i had just been able to deal with it in a more mature way...

but that's the real bullshit. i am a growing, changing, maturing... imperfect being. i don't regret anything i have or have not done. i have made my choices and will continue to do so. hopefully though... my future choices WILL be more selfish.

my father accused me of being self-centered once... and man... that has stuck with me for so long. i am sure many others would say the same thing. but if they only knew how little i actually spend thinking and working on myself... despite it being my greatest desire... they'd probably laugh. i always worried. but not about myself. i worried about how you would be affected. i worried what you would think. how you would feel. i tried to be what you needed. what you wanted. what would help you the most.

and when it didn't work. i felt cheated. i felt like a failure. and when you didn't return the favor that you never knew i did for you... i felt unappreciated and alone.

this is the way i feel about a lot of things and you's in my life. too many things. too many you's.

i realize that i can't assume people will know my good intentions. i can't assume that people have as much an inner desire to be good and true and real as i have. because even if they do... it's different. everything is different to everyone. and i need to start owning my filter of reality.

and my filter says that right now... it's time to buckle down and handle my business. i've got a lot to do... but i've got to accept and understand all that i have already done, too.

hey, bitter club... i owe you all a big smack on the ass and on the lips. you have been a place... not a physical one... not a digital one... but a figurative one... for me to vent and think and learn about who i am.