premonition?

i look around me at the starz and signs that i usually ache for and wish this time that they would just go away.

they tell me to take a risk. chance it. they tell me it's time for something big.




but i am afraid.




the usual fears are here... that i am not what he wants. that he is not what i want. that the logistics of this are just too silly and that the timing is way off. that i am experiencing this world of anticipation and imagination alone.

but then there is this new fear. it is different. slow... smooth... and almost comforting. the fear that this is actually something worth truly getting hurt for. that this time the fall will be so great and engulfing that i will forget how to breathe and get lost in a thunderstorm of pain, loss and unrequited love.

that this time it doesn't matter if it will work out because he and i are more than we and that in the end this will be what i write about for my grandchildren to read and that time will stand still in this moment of question and passion and turmoil and it will be the most i have ever felt alive and i will not be able to keep it to myself even when i turn around and realize that this was all in my head and just one big, electronic miscommunication.

that when the hammer drops... this time i won't be able to look around and say, "i'm better off without him."