last night i had a dream that i was at my childhood playground with a bunch of my old crew growing up. people were at the pool, but i was pushing a little girl on the swings and taking pix of her. then my first real boyfriend ever came rolling down on his skateboard. to this day my heart still skips a beat when i hear the sound of the wheels clicking over the cracks in the sidewalk.
but he and i start talking and there is this urgency for us to leave. and we walk to my backyard and sit on the patio. and this is where it gets bad, folks. he talks about his life... what's going on with him... all of his problems and how he's turning himself around (i know like i haven't heard this shit before)... but he means it. he's sincere and genuine and he's confessing his love for me and he kisses me. the sun goes down around us and when we open our eyes it is dark and it starts to lightly rain.
i felt what being in love was like again.
this is SO PITIFUL. i have a problem with leaning on my past relationships to get me through lonely periods. i consider them safe and comforting and i hang on to them when NOTHING is there anymore.
i know this is because my current pool of options is ALL dried out. i can't even stretch anymore. i can't settle for drum guy because we don't really speak, my fantasy hook up partner turned in a piss-poor performance and shattered any hope of that, my ex and i are not on good terms after our "deep" discussion that night, don't even get me started on the married men, or the gay men, and i don't even have and internet crush!!!!
whine whine bitch bitch whatever. i'm going to go fold laundry and then go to guard practice. since everyone thinks i'm going to end up a spinster anyway, i might as well get started on acting like one.
BAH!
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