My brother, Nugs, turned 21 on sunday. I had the pleasure of serving him his first legal beer. We went with a Yuengling... because it's safe. Then I slipped some Captain Morgan in his coke. Heh.
Good Lord, he frustrates me so. Our relationship goes up and down and back and forth but I can't tell if I'm happy that no matter what... I know that we can count on each other when it really counts. I'd kinda like to be able to count on him when it doesn't really count too.
He tells me things that I already know... but somehow seem to perpetually forget. Especially when looking at my own situations. Advice that I have given him, almost verbatim, somehow ends up coming back across the net at me. He's a quick learner like that... little bastard.
Tonight we ate mac and cheese and talked about boys.
"You aren't finding the right ones."
"The right ones don't pay any attention to me."
"I do."
"But I can't date you, Nugs."
I want to tell him that he's wrong and that he doesn't understand. I want to make excuses for these boys who hurt me so. I want to justify my current lack of emotional maturity. I want to explain away how I've let myself become attached to things that are less than what I want.
But he's right. It doesn't matter if they love or care about me, because they don't know how to be the kind of men I deserve. I shouldn't care if they love me. I should care if they can stand up, be fucking men, and treat people how they deserve to be treated... whether they love them or not.
Professor Dumbledore said something very important to me today.
"Very soon we are all going to have to choose.
Between what is easy.
And what is right."
This sort of thing isn't easy. Not only admitting that you made a mistake, but that you made the same mistake twice, and that you feel so comfortable in this mess that part of you doesn't really want to clean it up anyway.
I have this thing about telling the fucking truth... even when it hurts. ESPECIALLY when it hurts. I do it. My man should do it too. How else can we have the open and honest relationship that I am looking for? We can't.
Love is not exactly what I'm looking for anymore. I've found it. I've felt it. I still do... especially at weird points in the day when someone does something that reminds me of someone that did something and my heart explodes in my chest and I can't knock the grin off my face. Yeah. The feelings I have learned to recognize. Cultivate. Cherish.
The words of my ex, Bubba, are ringing in my ears again:
"Feelings will always be there no matter what...
it's what you do with those feelings that counts"
Actions are louder than words and right now I feel like I'm the only one making any noise. But I guess that's okay... because I kinda like my voice AND songs that I sing. I'm determined to be a class act... even if it's always a solo.
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2 comments:
youre not the only one making noise, lizzie. others are too. paths have not crossed. stars have not alighned. yet.
I should care if they can stand up, be fucking men, and treat people how they deserve to be treated... whether they love them or not.
I would say, kindly, that when YOU truly believe you deserve better, you will get better, because you will not put up with anything less once assholeness rears its ugly head. It's one thing to say it; it's another to believe it deep in your heart. Go the rest of the way, Liz. Your head knows the truth--it says it right here in in black and white--but your soul is balking at reading the memo.
That said, it seems, too, you have some pretty unrelenting expectations in re: what a man is and isn't. Make sure all of them are valid, or you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment again and again, and it seems to me you're tired of that.
Finally, speaking as an old married lady, be careful not to confuse honesty with truth. They are not always the same thing.
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