verse.

still hanging on to the possibility
it's not you and it's definitely not me-
i'm just still in love with what could be.

we are all creatures of habit.

i was doing really well until the sun went down and the pay per minute switched to unlimited nights. i was still doing well until i got out of my closing shift to first cut, finding myself at 8pm with nothing to do for the majority of the evening. i was just ok when i went over to their house for dinner. i was hanging on when i checked the messages and knew i needed to make a cameo at the pub again. i was dillusionally fine after the beer and the impending triangle of lust/doom. i was bitter when i looked at my phone to see no "missed call", but felt safe during the first half of the movie.

i wasn't ok when i realized this wasn't so safe at all.

fuck it- you know what?

all of this shit may make for good stories and good drama and may serve as muse and inspiration for wistful and longing poetry and lyrics that everyone fucking knows i'll never be confident enough to sing... but IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH.

the first day in three months.

i'm still alive, yes. still functional. more so, even. do i just miss him because of the habit? the comfort? am i going through withdrawal?

do you need to rebound from an imaginary boyfriend?

pushing away, quite literally, the man of your dreams... i never thought i'd actually have to do that shit.

so unhealthy. so retarded. and for what? for fingers never felt, lips never kissed, sex never smelled, time never spent, memories never made and promises never kept?

why am i constantly denied the reality of this love that i dream?

some say it doesn't exist. others swear by it. but i don't want a third opinion. i don't even want my opinion on it.

i just want his.

maybe i thought that i couldn't give up all of this trivial crap i managed to get sick of again ALL IN ONE PIG FUCK of a day.

i don't want this back. but i don't want what i had with him back. i don't want to fall into my same old habits again just because they are there and i'm so brilliantly good at them.

i don't want to go back to the waiting. the crying. the needing.

but you know what's the worst part of it all, my loves? what makes me feel so helpless?

no matter what choice i make... that shit is still gonna be there.

why?

Last night we got a really late rush at work. There were only two of us on the floor and we just got slammed. Amidst all of this madness, being that school has let out for the summer... a lot of college kids were in the mix. I found myself in the middle of a pub life vs. high school life vs. college life vs. starbux life all-out brawl.

My first boyfriend ever showed up. He and I have been crossing paths since 4th grade, but each time it still hits hard. He nearly shit his pants when I ran him over with a drink tray in my hand... and then I nearly shat mine when he introduced me to his fiancé.

Quite a few people from my high school class were there, most of them trying to make eye contact with me as I scurried past.

Cross country love's brother was there too, accompanied by a "big party" that kept coming and going, leaving me paranoid that don might actually show his face.

Three of my old starbux coworkers were also there, one celebrating his 24th birthday. This retard actually expected me to hook him up with shots and food and extra special attention just because I coexisted with him behind a counter back in '99. To try and explain why this would never happen is futile, but can be summed up with one statement: He got fired from that job when he pulled a knife on the manager.

The pub regs did nothing to calm this situation at all... trying to figure out how I knew so many people there that night, and drawing even more attention to me by giving me SHIT the WHOLE time.

Don't get me wrong here... I thrive in dramatic situations. But give me a break- a girl can only multi-task to a certain extent.

...

Normally, I would take all this as some sort of serendipitous sign. Say something mystifying like "things are stirring" or "the karma has already started".

But last night... all I could think of was "I don’t need or want this shit right now, and I’m not going to let it get to me."

So I didn't.

Not while I was serving that loud, snobby bitch her bass ale and hardcore cider so she could make her OWN snake bites and rip us off. Not while I was sweeping off the patio at 2am, trying to steal the glasses out of the hands of all the durnk idiots we were kicking out.
Not while I was taking shots of GM after hours to passify this ass of a coworker who was making attempts to get me to go home with him, while SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HIS GIRLFRIEND that he LIVES WITH.
Not while I was driving home, trying not to explode over the phone because I'm ALWAYS emo. Not even when he fell asleep on me, leaving me to toss and turn, thinking about how I have to do this all over again tonight.

I still haven't let it get to me. And I won't ever. Because there is no point. It's just too much in too short a period of time.

Maybe he's right. Maybe "why" isn't really as important as I want it to be. Or maybe it is, but if I keep getting lost in the "why" I'll miss out on all the "is."

you finish the story.

We all blow a lot of smoke and pretend to be apathetic. As if not caring makes us stronger or less vulnerable.

I am constantly told that I care too much. That I am too aware and defensive. Even today, on a forum I frequent, I was told that I need to "lighten up."
People are unnerved, I suppose, at how much I actively seek out vulnerability.

But the way I see it is that every second I am not being effected and involved, I am wasting. True, I don’t care what you had for lunch yesterday or what sports team is winning what game (unless it’s one he cares about) or how much those shoes cost or how many lbs I’d have to loose to fit into a size 8 again... but there is one thing I will always pay attention to.

My interactions and relationships with the people in my life. The people who were in my life. I will always care, I will always put myself out there, I will always get hurt and I will always remember what happened between us. No, I won’t remember to call and I won’t remember all of the details to every story that you ever told me. But I will always remember you and the color you brought into or took away from my life.

There is distance I consciously put between myself and everyone else. Not because I am apathetic and not because I am afraid of getting hurt. It’s really because I’m sick of dealing with the boring logistics of this world. Thank you notes, for one.

Voicemail messages for two.

Having to try and explain to someone:

"Yeah, you are really awesome and we click and you are here right now and I’m lonely and god your facial hair looks fucking hot and no I don’t really care if you call me tomorrow so there is really nothing to lose, but no... I’m still not going to hook up with you because I am in love with someone else. Someone I haven’t met yet. Someone that I’m not even sure exists but every churning ounce of blood in my body tells me that he’s out there and that he’s doing his best to come and find me even though he is lazy and spoiled and used to having everything so easy but that I am the challenge he has been waiting for and that he will dedicate the rest of his life to taking on and he will love every blasted minute of it even when he finds out that maybe I’m not the fantasy he had in mind, he can’t explain it but he still wants me anyway. And yes, he is my everything, his flaws and fears inconsequential because the fire that he protects by playing everything so close to the vest is real and true and burning for something more than just his business world of casual sex... the energy just exudes from his words and I hate to go Jerry McGuire on you all here but I love him for the man he almost is and have reserved a front row seat and have popcorn stocked up for when he conquers his demons. But even if he never does, this whirlwind of love and lust and wonder is..."

"i am completely misunderstandable"

drunks can spew the most poetic things. it's a shame they never remember them.

i don't really know where to begin.

my trip to connecticut this last week has, in that very cliched way, "put things into perspective." spending so much time with my family and getting so much love and support from the important people in my life has really got me wondering why this sort of intense caring and positive energy only seems to show itself in rare times of socially accepted rites of passages.

because really, i don't want to settle for that. i want more of the good stuff... and this new kick of motivation to go out there and find it is already leading me to places i have forgotten existed.

the hurt and the healing is still all coming along slowly, don't get me wrong. and unfortunately, my uteral issues are perpetuating this high-strung emotional state... but i imagine things should be good to go in 3-5 more days. especially if the weather continues to be as gorgeous as it has been as of late.

sunshine is definitely the best thing for a hopeful heart.

just can't help it.

when i can't sleep at night and the house is quiet... i like to walk down to the kitchen naked.

there are no curtains on the windows... and for the two minutes i stand in front of the open refrigerator with that stale, cold light pouring over me... it makes me tingle to think that someone might see.

yeah. this really does make it all worth it.

a bit from an email that made me cry for the 80th time this month... but this time the tears were joyful:

You have no idea what you have done to us. I know we were all the awkward lost little girls who had no sense of self. You need to know, that you have given us that. You have let us be who we are, and you made us realize that its ok to be that. You have helped us to form friendships that will last us forever. You have given us memories we'll never forget, but most importantly you have given us the love and support we needed from a "big sister" when parents and other adults were inaccessible. You may not see it, but you truly have transformed the lives of a group of girls, and there arent enough words to tell you how much that means to me. I'm still unsure of what my future brings, but I do know that I have enough faith in myself and enough support, that I know I can get through anything.

Most importantly remember that you always have us to turn to.. even though we may be some dumb high schoolers, we've got your back.. I am honored to have been a part of the two groups whose activities have driven my senior year. I can honestly look back on this year with no regrets, because I put myself out there.. I tried my best. I wish I could give you the kind of support and encouragement you have always given us, in whatever weird form. You are an amazing wonderful person, and I wish you much healing and happiness.

logistics.

thank you again to everyone who has contacted me and let me know that my family and i are in your thoughts and/or prayers. my brother and i are driving up to connecticut in a few minutes... we will be there for the viewing, funeral services and family gatherings until sunday. sorry to everyone who would like to have attended... but nonnie is going home. i'm sure you will be there in spirit, much like she will be.

i think it might have been the butterflies in my tummy that came back.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Finding the right partner is less important than being the right partner. You can change your feelings toward loved ones by assuming that they are doing their best. Tonight, something owed to you comes back.

this is how i'll remember you.

... even if it wasn't all smiles.

my grandmother died yesterday at 5pm.

i arrived at the hospital at 6pm. she was already cold and blue by then. i couldn't understand why on earth her mouth was still hanging open or why her eyes were still only half- shut.

SOMEONE CLOSE HER EYES AND HER MOUTH. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE HER LAY THERE LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING ZOMBIE LIKE THAT??

don't you REALIZE that her family is going to see that and be haunted with that image for the rest of their lives... if they are lucky enough to be touched by something so deeply that they DO remember it forever?

it was already like her skin had given up and sucked straight into skull. she had lost all that weight from her last spurt of pneumonia.

i remember our last interaction.

i said, "i love you."

her eyes were wide and her voice rang with the tone of some innocence i look forward to revisiting.

"thank you."

she said thank you-NOT i love you too. who does that? she hadn't been delusional. just a little slow on the uptake. that was a week ago. my mother and i went out to dinner afterwards and saw fever pitch. i thought of him the whole time.

this morning i knew. my mom tried to wake me up- after all, it was 2pm. she told me that we both wasted the day away... and that she was so tired of going to the hospital every day. i told her she needed to stop. i told her not to go today. i knew that if she went today she would get sad again. but i had no clue just how sad.

on my way out the door she guilt-tripped me again. when am i going to make time to see my grandmother. i said tomorrow morning after church and before work... and that maybe we could even get my brother to go.

i haven't really talked to my father in 2 weeks. he didn't answer his phone any of the times i called him today, almost pleading for him to come to the hospital with me. i had known that i needed him there even before i knew she was gone.

shake it off.

when this shit hits you in a few days you're gonna cry again. most likely in the middle of a shift at work or in the car on the way to connecticut for the funeral or when you are trying desperately hard not to be an annoying drama queen on the phone with him but you just. cant. help it.

this was the end of an era yesterday. the winterguard send off party. the one you couldn't prepare for because you were at the hospital with a dead grandmother and a mother that you know will never be the same ever. ever. again. the girls understood. they won't be bitter that you couldn't put together cute party favors or paper plate awards for them.

but you will.

no one will understand this post and will ask you to clarify and will send condolences that you really don't need or particularly want because that just confirms that there are people out there who still care about you despite all of the distance you have put between yourself and everyone. else.

i wanted to kiss her but i was afraid to come close to her zombie face. so i just stroked her hair and looked at the wall.

i have to put together a photo-collage for the viewing and then something elegant and inspirational to say at the funeral. the family will be there. you can't fuck this one up because they know you write and speak well when you make an effort and if your grandmother who raised you passing away doesn't deserve a bit of effort then you are not as compassionate a person as you might front to be.

all i want to do right now is have sex and have it hurt. a lot. so i can have pleasure and pain and distract me from everything that i have been running away from for 23 years and some days and hours and even tonight as i talked to this kid who was arrested for having syringes and steroids in his car while he was collecting money from some girl he kinda knew and got a flat tire for running up against a curb they didn't even ask him if he needed help or a ride they just knew he had shit that wasn't right but after his detox experience he feels really good now and wants to take me out for coffee sometime in efforts to try and seduce me when really all that will happen is that he will fall in love with me like they all do and i will have known from the beginning that it won't work but that i saw a spark and a possibility that maybe he is the one who will change into that something that i am pining for and gave it a shot anyway because i was bored and lonely.

everyone feels so lonely. everyone looks so lonely. she was so lonely because we couldn't bring ourselves to visit her in the home everyday. how do you go from spending your entire life surrounded by family to barely seeing them from week to week, not being able to worry about them or make them dinner or ask if they need an extra $20 for gas?

i don't know how she held on so long.

but thank god she finally let go and we can hurt and bleed and cry for her and ourselves and all the time and money and energy we put into this beautiful downfall of a woman and a life and a family that can't keep pretending that it doesn't hurt when no one hugs like they mean it.

writer's block has been my best friend since i moved back into my mother's house and i thought the new software would fix it. i thought the lap top would fix it. i thought falling in love would fix it. i was wrong. my grandmother fixed it.

i owe her big. for this post, and for the fact that i can rest easy now, knowing that she is there to take care of my cat.

one of the kitchen staff refused to make me lunch last week because he said i was too fat and needed to go on a diet. i cried. one of the bartenders only talks to me about how much he hates my cell phone etiquette and how nice my boobs are. i cry about it. i know way too many men who actively cheat on their girlfriends but still think that they love them. i cry for the girlfriends and for myself because as much as i want to just hook up with them anyway i can't because i don't want to contribute to the downfall of love.

i have been running a lot. my feet have lots of blisters. but i'm still slow.

my hair is getting really long. when i use my curling iron i really do have porn star hair.

colorguard is now home to me. i'm really fucking good at what i do... and i'm finally comfortable and confident enough to say that out loud. it's a shame that you can't hear me.

my mother has kind of stopped living. and i'm excited to see her rebirth in the midst of her mother's death. maybe my own too.

but i'm really scared that after this post i will go back into hiding again. that i won't be able to think and write like i used to back when i checked my hits everyday and flirted incessantly with internet windows.

there are still so many secrets. even though there weren't any when i started. maybe there won't be any when i'm finished, either. i hope.