my grandmother died yesterday at 5pm.

i arrived at the hospital at 6pm. she was already cold and blue by then. i couldn't understand why on earth her mouth was still hanging open or why her eyes were still only half- shut.

SOMEONE CLOSE HER EYES AND HER MOUTH. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE HER LAY THERE LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING ZOMBIE LIKE THAT??

don't you REALIZE that her family is going to see that and be haunted with that image for the rest of their lives... if they are lucky enough to be touched by something so deeply that they DO remember it forever?

it was already like her skin had given up and sucked straight into skull. she had lost all that weight from her last spurt of pneumonia.

i remember our last interaction.

i said, "i love you."

her eyes were wide and her voice rang with the tone of some innocence i look forward to revisiting.

"thank you."

she said thank you-NOT i love you too. who does that? she hadn't been delusional. just a little slow on the uptake. that was a week ago. my mother and i went out to dinner afterwards and saw fever pitch. i thought of him the whole time.

this morning i knew. my mom tried to wake me up- after all, it was 2pm. she told me that we both wasted the day away... and that she was so tired of going to the hospital every day. i told her she needed to stop. i told her not to go today. i knew that if she went today she would get sad again. but i had no clue just how sad.

on my way out the door she guilt-tripped me again. when am i going to make time to see my grandmother. i said tomorrow morning after church and before work... and that maybe we could even get my brother to go.

i haven't really talked to my father in 2 weeks. he didn't answer his phone any of the times i called him today, almost pleading for him to come to the hospital with me. i had known that i needed him there even before i knew she was gone.

shake it off.

when this shit hits you in a few days you're gonna cry again. most likely in the middle of a shift at work or in the car on the way to connecticut for the funeral or when you are trying desperately hard not to be an annoying drama queen on the phone with him but you just. cant. help it.

this was the end of an era yesterday. the winterguard send off party. the one you couldn't prepare for because you were at the hospital with a dead grandmother and a mother that you know will never be the same ever. ever. again. the girls understood. they won't be bitter that you couldn't put together cute party favors or paper plate awards for them.

but you will.

no one will understand this post and will ask you to clarify and will send condolences that you really don't need or particularly want because that just confirms that there are people out there who still care about you despite all of the distance you have put between yourself and everyone. else.

i wanted to kiss her but i was afraid to come close to her zombie face. so i just stroked her hair and looked at the wall.

i have to put together a photo-collage for the viewing and then something elegant and inspirational to say at the funeral. the family will be there. you can't fuck this one up because they know you write and speak well when you make an effort and if your grandmother who raised you passing away doesn't deserve a bit of effort then you are not as compassionate a person as you might front to be.

all i want to do right now is have sex and have it hurt. a lot. so i can have pleasure and pain and distract me from everything that i have been running away from for 23 years and some days and hours and even tonight as i talked to this kid who was arrested for having syringes and steroids in his car while he was collecting money from some girl he kinda knew and got a flat tire for running up against a curb they didn't even ask him if he needed help or a ride they just knew he had shit that wasn't right but after his detox experience he feels really good now and wants to take me out for coffee sometime in efforts to try and seduce me when really all that will happen is that he will fall in love with me like they all do and i will have known from the beginning that it won't work but that i saw a spark and a possibility that maybe he is the one who will change into that something that i am pining for and gave it a shot anyway because i was bored and lonely.

everyone feels so lonely. everyone looks so lonely. she was so lonely because we couldn't bring ourselves to visit her in the home everyday. how do you go from spending your entire life surrounded by family to barely seeing them from week to week, not being able to worry about them or make them dinner or ask if they need an extra $20 for gas?

i don't know how she held on so long.

but thank god she finally let go and we can hurt and bleed and cry for her and ourselves and all the time and money and energy we put into this beautiful downfall of a woman and a life and a family that can't keep pretending that it doesn't hurt when no one hugs like they mean it.

writer's block has been my best friend since i moved back into my mother's house and i thought the new software would fix it. i thought the lap top would fix it. i thought falling in love would fix it. i was wrong. my grandmother fixed it.

i owe her big. for this post, and for the fact that i can rest easy now, knowing that she is there to take care of my cat.

one of the kitchen staff refused to make me lunch last week because he said i was too fat and needed to go on a diet. i cried. one of the bartenders only talks to me about how much he hates my cell phone etiquette and how nice my boobs are. i cry about it. i know way too many men who actively cheat on their girlfriends but still think that they love them. i cry for the girlfriends and for myself because as much as i want to just hook up with them anyway i can't because i don't want to contribute to the downfall of love.

i have been running a lot. my feet have lots of blisters. but i'm still slow.

my hair is getting really long. when i use my curling iron i really do have porn star hair.

colorguard is now home to me. i'm really fucking good at what i do... and i'm finally comfortable and confident enough to say that out loud. it's a shame that you can't hear me.

my mother has kind of stopped living. and i'm excited to see her rebirth in the midst of her mother's death. maybe my own too.

but i'm really scared that after this post i will go back into hiding again. that i won't be able to think and write like i used to back when i checked my hits everyday and flirted incessantly with internet windows.

there are still so many secrets. even though there weren't any when i started. maybe there won't be any when i'm finished, either. i hope.