you finish the story.

We all blow a lot of smoke and pretend to be apathetic. As if not caring makes us stronger or less vulnerable.

I am constantly told that I care too much. That I am too aware and defensive. Even today, on a forum I frequent, I was told that I need to "lighten up."
People are unnerved, I suppose, at how much I actively seek out vulnerability.

But the way I see it is that every second I am not being effected and involved, I am wasting. True, I don’t care what you had for lunch yesterday or what sports team is winning what game (unless it’s one he cares about) or how much those shoes cost or how many lbs I’d have to loose to fit into a size 8 again... but there is one thing I will always pay attention to.

My interactions and relationships with the people in my life. The people who were in my life. I will always care, I will always put myself out there, I will always get hurt and I will always remember what happened between us. No, I won’t remember to call and I won’t remember all of the details to every story that you ever told me. But I will always remember you and the color you brought into or took away from my life.

There is distance I consciously put between myself and everyone else. Not because I am apathetic and not because I am afraid of getting hurt. It’s really because I’m sick of dealing with the boring logistics of this world. Thank you notes, for one.

Voicemail messages for two.

Having to try and explain to someone:

"Yeah, you are really awesome and we click and you are here right now and I’m lonely and god your facial hair looks fucking hot and no I don’t really care if you call me tomorrow so there is really nothing to lose, but no... I’m still not going to hook up with you because I am in love with someone else. Someone I haven’t met yet. Someone that I’m not even sure exists but every churning ounce of blood in my body tells me that he’s out there and that he’s doing his best to come and find me even though he is lazy and spoiled and used to having everything so easy but that I am the challenge he has been waiting for and that he will dedicate the rest of his life to taking on and he will love every blasted minute of it even when he finds out that maybe I’m not the fantasy he had in mind, he can’t explain it but he still wants me anyway. And yes, he is my everything, his flaws and fears inconsequential because the fire that he protects by playing everything so close to the vest is real and true and burning for something more than just his business world of casual sex... the energy just exudes from his words and I hate to go Jerry McGuire on you all here but I love him for the man he almost is and have reserved a front row seat and have popcorn stocked up for when he conquers his demons. But even if he never does, this whirlwind of love and lust and wonder is..."