i had one of those days where i was just itching to yell at someone. everything anyone did pissed me off. the problem was that as the afternoon went on... everything i did was starting to annoy the shit out of me as well. i know we all have moments of self-admiration, self-hatred and my personal favorite, self-doubt... but self-annoyance? leave it to me to start that trend.

i slept until 3pm. i don't really know why. maybe the fact that i stayed up until almost 7am had something to do with it. i missed doing a lot of things i had wanted to do that day. my heart hurt too. i looked around my shithole of a living space and rolled back over to go back to bed. so many people to call. ugh.

then the fighting began. getting into a spat with other people is at least thrilling for me because chances are that i will win... because even when i lose, i win. but when you fight with yourself... you always lose. there is no chance of coming out on top.

i went up to college park because i needed to talk to them. i needed to be around people who knew the me who didn't live at home with her mother and who didn't spend more of her day in front of the computer than she did actually partaking in this thing called life.

i wanted to spill my guts. i wanted to cry like a spoiled little brat who had their toys taken away. i wanted to be reminded that boys will come and go but friendship is forever. i wanted them to want to know what was going on with me.

but it was like she didn't even care. or maybe that she didn't even notice. or maybe that she did notice but didn't want to go there. i mean it was a fine night. food, a little drinkin, excellent discussion. but it was one of those few times that i really didn't contribute. when i don't contribute to a discussion... you can pretty much be certain that i'm either not interested (doubtful), uninformed (depends on the topic), or uncomfortable (DING!).

i'm not mad at them. i mean... it's been a whole summer. we aren't that tight-knit group we used to be. i'm all the fuck over here in G'burg. they all live in the same building. we are in different parts of life now.

i've just realized that right now... i don't have anyone who understands. no one who i can pour it all out to who will, wants, and is able to take it all in. i don't have a shoulder to cry on. i have people who care about me and who are associated with me and the like. i have people who enjoy my company and vice-versa. i have people who stimulate me mentally and emotionally.

but people are just different. and i don't want a different perspective. i don't want advice on how i should change or go about planning my future out. i don't want to talk about the strategies to succeed in this materialistic buttfuck of a society. i want someone who hears the poetry in my words and who sees the magic behind my eyes. i don't know what the hell i'm talking about.

i just want someone to get it.

maybe that fatal enfp flaw is true. we are never satisfied in our relationships. we never really give ourselves. we take in and try to be there and help others... and we do it well.

i've always wanted to change someone's life.
but what i didn't realize
was that that "someone"
isn't just anyone.

that someone
is me.