in response to the shout outs

unfortunately i don't think these comments are going to be a profitable way for me to deal with this problem.

there is no way that i can convince you otherwise and you are certainly not going to convince me. you aren't there. you don't see or experience me with my friends. you don't know if i'm keeping myself distant. you are assessing a situation that you only have glimpses into through jagged blogs and a connection through personality theory that you probably draw from your own personal development.

i appreciate your advice and the fact that you even say anything of substance with your comments... but i'm NOT looking for it. i don't want advice or some mystical key to figuring out what the hell my problem is.

this is exactly my point. i don't want someone to tell me or show me how i need to change to better my situation. no one does. people change when THEY are ready to. and i don't know where i am with that but i am certainly not in a place where i'm going to listen to people's advice who have no clue what's going on with me.

that's what you are doing. that's what she did. that's what he did.

this is what i don't understand about people. i didn't come to you for advice. i didn't blog my thoughts and feelings for you to come back at me and call me a liar and say that i am hurting my friends and that i don't let anyone get close to me. i mean what the fuck- who are you to tell me about me?!

whether you have good intentions or not... all you are doing is adding to the list of "shitty things i do to hurt people" list. i obviously obsess over how i hurt people enough. come on, james... use your ENFPenis to realize that i don't want a savior. i am my own savior. we all are our own saviors.

i specifically went to my friends to share with them. to get them to see whats up with me and maybe understand. and she told me that she didn't want to hear about it. she'd rather go out and drink. she'd rather talk about school and her career and her future and how blessed she has been.

you see when i need a shoulder to cry on, i am breaking the roles. i am messing up how it works. i'm liz. i'm supposed to be the one that helps with your problems. that listens without judging and then helps you figure out what's really going on and is just there for you. i haven't managed to cultivate a relationship yet on ANY level where there is an even give and take on who gets to play doctor.

and you know what? i don't care if you do have the answer for how i can not feel so alone. i don't care if you know how i can just disregard what my heart and intuitions tell me to do and how that will help me be better at these things called relationships. this is my story. i'm not there yet and i'm not sure i want to get there. so i'm sorry if i am being defensive and rude... but that's just how it is. if i wanted therapy i'd go talk to a therapist and if i wanted a preacher i'd go to church. i am writing on my personal webpage. i write for me. i write to think about things and get them out and maybe come to a catharsis in the process. i would never be arrogant enough to think or imply that the words i put on this page are all righteous and of absolute truth.

my godmother said something to me a few months ago that has stuck. she told me that she had to wait to hear the pop. that no matter how bad it got, what the signs were or how good the advice was... until she heard the pop- nothing was going to change.

what's the pop, you ask?

the sound of your own head popping out of your ass.

and well. my head is still rammed up pretty far in regards to this. that's why i'm writing about it. so get your hands off of my hips and stop trying to pull me out before i'm ready. ::visions of pooh bear stuck in that door and everyone trying to pull him out::

fin. for the moment.