keep ringing in my head...

so i was yelled at a few days ago. screamed at. given a good talking to. and while i would like to think that because we were in a loud bar... that was probably the reason why the volume was so loud... knowing this person for such a long time now... he probably would have been even louder if he had the opportunity.

now that was a run on sentence.

we were talking about one of my new "fourth of july" friends... when he just lost it. he looked at me, in the way a person looks at someone they'd like to kick in the face yet smother into their chest with their arms around them simultaneously. apparently i have this effect on people.

he just verbally threw up on me. and i can't get the words to leave me alone.

"do you realize how intelligent you are? don't you know that you deserve nothing but the best? instead of these retards!"

and his luminous girlfriend sat next to him with a supportive glance at me and a heart-felt "yeah!"

i was being lectured for settling. or even entertaining the idea of settling. even just for a fling. he didn't mean to lecture. i think he was just trying to make me feel better and realize this guy was not worth my time. another friend of mine compared me to another friend of his... in that we look at those around us and wonder why they have someone and we don't... and we get selfconscious and bitter and hate on those people because "we deserve someone."

but it comes down to this... no one deserves anyone. love is not something you can keep track of, ration out, or put on a schedule. just because someone is a good person and would be an excellent partner doesn't mean that they are entitled to the love of a lifetime. some people are just destined to be alone. some people don't have a romantical soul mate.

i am in no way implying that i think i am one of those people... but i am trying to work it out for myself that if i am one... i can be ok with that. maybe love isn't a lesson i need to learn right now. i mean let's face it- i'm well researched in the area. maybe my journey is a predominantly solo one. i take things from everyone i come in contact with. i learn from every single person in my life... whether i kiss them or not.

and what if the love of my life is someone that may be "undeserving"? what if i fall for someone who isn't as... whatever... as i am? should i not love them then? should i save my love for someone who fills out my checklist of good qualities?

a person's relationship with another person is a private thing. there is no way anyone outside of that relationship will ever know or understand that relationship. therefore... anyone's relationship with anyone else really is no one else's domain. i don't mean to say that opinions cannot be made and expressed... but it is a fact of life that people will have multiple special relationships throughout their lives. and they will mean different things for each person involved.

comparing one's relationship with a person to someone else's relationship with that same person is just a nightmare. it shouldn't be done. your relationship with someone is like that for a reason. accept that and work with that and don't worry about their relationships with others. if this is a significant other... you should have enough faith and trust in that relationship to realize that it is a special one and that there is still room in your lives for other special bonds.

so in short, just because a situation might scream RED LIGHT RED LIGHT to you doesn't mean that to someone else the relationship could be a special one. you learn from bad relationships and develop your ideas about what a good relationship is from them. that's why i don't believe that you should spend years of your adolescent life with one person. you need to experience other people and different kinds of relationships before you can find and be certain and confident in the one you like the most. and even if i have been stagnant in the romantical relationship category for quite some time... i am still learning and growing from my relationships with people.

my lips are out of practice, though. i hope it's like riding a bike.

ramble ramble.

i'm not settling. people who don't settle, though... they end up being alone a lot of the time. and that's lonely. duh. don't hate on me for be honest about my longing. and another thing. this is what i love. these kinds of issues. relationships. people. i study them. i want to help them. work with them. a lot of people say that i think about these things too much and that it isn't healthy.

well i don't say that it isn't healthy to think about cars all the time. or music. or sports. people think about things that they like. that they learn from. it just so happens that mine is being in search of a deeper meaning... being curious about people and how they work. if that makes me a hyperly aware rambling psycho then so be it.

a fanatic is just someone who is interested more than you are.

sorry if it scares you... but you know me. you know my site. if you have a problem with reading these kinds of rants then you might not want to read my page anymore. because this is me and it's what i love.

i haven't been writing a lot lately and i'm irritated at myself. everyone should have something that they do for themselves as pure enjoyment. and i haven't been letting myself indulge. so no more formulating cute posts to entertain the masses. i'm sure those will come out every once in a while but i'm not making an effort anymore.

the best part about posting is totally clicking publish and then reading what i wrote for the first time.