BlackCCCC: goodbye lizzie
BlackCCCC: you are a terrible friend
BlackCCCC signed off at 1:23:01 PM.

bump bump bump... another one bites the dust!!

...

*Edit:
i didn't know this post would cause such a stir. i guess even though this page IS mine... i owe you all an explanation.

i posted that IM message because i got it that afternoon out of nowhere. from someone who i haven't talked to or really hung out with (except once) for over 5 years. i posted it to sort of "mark the occasion." i have that kind of sadistic thing going about remembering when someone else makes me feel like a horrid human being. so yeah... i wanted to remind myself that he said that to me and that yet another person has decided to cut me out of their life completely.

for those of you new to the group... this happens to me a lot.

and i know you're thinking now "well maybe you should take note of that pattern and try to change that." and yes... it has been dually noted. but ummn, sorry... i'm not going to live my life letting other people determine what kind of person i am or how quality a friend i am or should be.

i have been reminded by a very special sort of he recently that people build up ideals of each other... and when that ideal is not lived up to... sometimes people can't handle it.

and well this kid that IMed me out of his life... he did that to me. he has some ideal liz in his brain who acts, talks, smells, and lives a certain way. unfortunately... that ideal doesn't line up with the ideal that i have built for myself.

i'm sorry, paul... i'm sorry you have hung onto me for such a long time. i'm sorry i'm not that perfect little girl you remember growing up with. i'm sorry that i won't let you back into my life in the way that you want to be let back in. i'm sorry that you think that i am a terrible friend... but more sorry that you think i am your friend at all.

you played me, paul. you fucked up my entire being back in the day. you twisted me around and you made me feel bad for being who i was and for being WITH who i was. and just because you feel guilty about what you did ALMOST SIX YEARS AGO doesn't mean that i'm going to welcome you back with open arms. i forgive you. i wish you nothing but happiness.

but i hope that your happiness is far, far away from me.

i know this still doesn't clear things up. this story is 22 years too long to delve into. just for those of you who think you know my "character" i've got a list of over a dozen people who would be happy, i'm sure, to clear things up and explain to you what a cold, selfish bitch i am.

and kristina (that is... if i am correct in deducting that you are kristina). i think it's cool for you to come in and defend your brother. but being that we haven't shared a friendship for the same amount of time... you really have no idea either.

think what you want. everyone is a lemming in their own way. and this little lemming isn't going to follow everyone's directions to jump off a cliff or hang myself. the only person's ideal i need to live up to is my own.

and if some of you can't roll with that... then have a nice life.