a lot is happening

in the internet world... and i have somehow managed to get a little more than slightly off-track.

i don't know what is happening with me right now, but i assure you, my absence has been a cloudy one that i could only wish was brought on by drugs.

i am now unemployed again. after a weekend that went from lame to orgasmic to hurtful to resentful... i am feeling crazy with confusion.

side note: the orgasmic part was my winterguard banquet on saturday. the two pics of the moment are of my girls and i and my paper plate award. such a good time!

anyway.
my parents are blessings.
they have saved me. just when i thought i was beyond saving.

they have given me one month. one month to make some steps into the direction that i want to go in. mind you, i did not say the "right" direction. as always, they give me total discretion on my affairs.

lump sums of money rarely fall into my hands and so this one is glowing with possibility and love. i don't really care to go into full detail about this, so just sit confused... all that matters is that it's game time again. and this quarter i won't be stressing over penalties... so my concentration will focus on the upcoming plays.

...

i watched the order today. hence the new heading for this page. there are a lot of people who didn't enjoy this movie... and i know the reviews were not that hot either. but oh my... i devoured this film.

and not because heath ledger is my ideal physical, sexual type either. on the contrary... the character that i became enthralled with was William Eden... played by Benno Farmann:



this man's eyes. holy cow. not in the oh baby you're so hot i'm captivated by you sort of way, though. it was the character. the knowledge behind the eyes. his mannerisms. the whole storyline and concept behind this "sin eater"- just enchanting.

i can't shake the thoughts. and i don't want to. at all.

...

onto the other, more tangible orgasmic experience i had this weekend. the dirt that i so desperately ache to be more than just a friendly romp. sigh.

sunday night popped my cherry.

... my Sopranos cherry, dearies, don't worry!! hehe. then we cuddled. like old times. on his burnt yellowish-tan couch. massages serving as the main focus. hands. hands. hands. did i mention his hands?

the morning made for lovely chitchat with his little brother and his cat. sometimes i think i fell for the wrong sibling. probably safer that way, though... little ricker-bawker would probably have left me broken.

but damn how i want to be broken... it would explain this constant desire to fix myself.

either way it was a lovely way to remember what a pleasant casual hook-up felt like. haven't had one of those since... well. you know.

yes, drummer jerk is still poking his nose in my business and won't let me purge him from my daydreams. but at least i have stopped setting myself up for hurt from him.

...

i do NOT want to end my thoughts for this evening with that unintentional bastard. i had a really good day. am well into the book club book... groceries... i baked and cooked... Suspect Red and i had a lovely time...

OH YEA!! my jog!
doode, i made history today. i have been running/walking regularly (instead of just "whenever") for about a month now. and for the first time today i did the whole distance without walking!!

damn that felt good. yes. i feel good. fingers crossed that this continues for a while.