my level of depression has changed.

it hasn't "risen" or moved up on the scale or anything... because it's not that i am withdrawing more or smiling less or anything like that. it's just different.

somewhere along the lines i became secretly comforted with the idea that i am special. that i have something great inside of me to give. and not in an ego boosting "i'm all that" sort of way... just a quiet feeling of love and safety. that no matter what, somehow my light would shine through to at least one person. and that it would change my life.

i have accepted that there are no more original ideas. that everything has been done before. but it excites me that the importance is not in being the first. it's simply being. i don't care that thousands of people have fallen in love. it won't make it any less when i do it. because it will be mine. the same goes for writing. and any sort of creating.

but that feeling isn't strong anymore. i'm scared that maybe i was just fooling myself.

i'm in a rut. hardcore. super dooper hardcore. and i know i'm the only one who can get me out of it.

i'm frustrated that i can't won't keep a job.
i'm more frustrated that my number of hits is going up... but the lack of participation has not improved.
i'm even more frustrated that i am not submitting my writing anywhere.
but i'm the most frustrated that i'm not growing. it's been a whole year since i graduated and i feel like i'm in the same place, only with less money and less people to hang out with.

it's like i'm too afraid to get started.

more like... i don't know how to get started.