i want more than just ok

howdy, folks.

tragedy has hit my world. yes, you guessed it. my shower head has broken. the hose has sprung multiple holes and now taking a shower is more like running through a sprinkler that was turned on ulta-high.

it totally ruins my shower experience. instead of daydreaming, planning, sorting things out in my head, writing lyrics, belting out melodies, and the various other activities i enjoy while doing the personal hygiene thing ::snort:: i have to worry about getting the shit kicked out of me by the random, venomous sprays of water. my skin is too sensitive for this sort of brash treatment.

any plumbers in my area wanna come and help a sistah out? i could use some ass crack viewing, now that you mention it.

no, wait... strike that. i have had asshole exposure coming out of the a-- ok that pun went a little too far. but forgetting about that, the message is still true. i am a magnet for freakishly mean people. i always feel like i am battling evil... and even though the good guy is supposed to win, i never seem to make it to the end of the 60 minute episode. i only get to the cliff hanger around minute 26.

all i hope for is karma and some poetic justice.

he's full of shit. he's been telling me that he will call me and that he will email me and then he will share with me what's been going on with him.

... yeah ... i'm still waiting.

i poured out my heart to you, THE most important person in my life outside of my family. i spent time, energy and tears on you and how i wanted you to know just how important you are to me. and before any of you reading this get all huffy puffy at me... this is not about a boy. i mean, yeah, he is a male, but he is not some object of my infatuations. he's a friend who has made an unexplainable impact on my life. and i just finally figured that out after four years. and i had to tell him.

and so i did. and i felt and still do feel wonderful about it. i'm just pissed that instead of being accepting and understanding about what i had to say... he just built me up and let me fucking fall. if you don't care enough to CALL ME BACK or remember my fucking PHONE NUMBER that has been the same thing for over THREE YEARS or to follow through with ANY of the promises you make then just SAY SO. just tell me so i don't hafta sit here and feel shitted on. i won't be bitter, i won't be offended, i'll be cool with that. like i said, my realization about how important you were is still a truth and i will always care and love and make an effort.

all i ask is that you don't lie to me and yourself about how important i am to you.

i don't need to be as important to you. i don't need or want some pity return of affections.

just fucking know you are loved and respected and show me some in return. because you are wasting my time. and i will eventually hate you for it.


anyways... he is only one of the assholes making a cameo in my series premier of this season's series of misadventures. and he doesn't even have enough interest to even check my page. but to you who DOES read my page, with religious loyalties... i suggest that you stop. because i don't want you to read me anymore. i don't want you to think about me. i don't want you to have any more access to fucking with me. you are a paranoid crybaby who can't take honesty even in small doses. i have learned a lot from you, but most importantly, you have reinforced my feelings about the previously mentioned he. that it doesn't matter how honest or open or excitedly i care about someone... if they don't have a healthy way of giving me the same in return... i can't make anything real and alive out of it.

so thank you, to both of you. for giving me a few more insights to people who just haven't developed enough to know how to love. on any level.

intelligence and charisma and technique will only take you so far. i have fallen for charm and a hopeful smile more than once... and i know i will again and again. but that's not real. and it's not what i want in my life. i have enough of those things within my own being to get by. i need me some honesty and some caring. i need the things that snuggles are made of.

butterfleyes and starzie skeyes.