it's just ... sad.

i feel as though i need to explain my most recent hyperly upset towards love and members of the opposite sex wave.

last week. i called him to see if he wanted to hang out. his mother told me he went back to school over a week ago. he didn't tell me. i still haven't heard from him. one night i played music with him. it made me miss my other guitar him. he and i tried to go to dollar buds. he ran out of gas. i spent the night on 495 and then at home, alone. i met the new sponsor. he is really good. i really didn't want him to be gay. i worked with her all week. my dad and i saw him at the coffee shop. he talked to my dad more than me.

friday. i got my period. in the middle of my shift at work. he brought her food to eat on her break. and called her baby. i looked at my calendar and realized it was the weekend that we had scheduled him to come visit me. i had to do tips. i fell asleep for three hours instead of writing up my letters for my father to take and ended up being late for dinner. i forgot to call kinya and then left my cell phone at home making it impossible for me to get ahold of her. she came even later than me and was upset. i went over to his house and watched a movie. we did not cuddle.

saturday. i got a message on my phone from the big HE. it said "blah blah blah blah... blah blah... blah." no joke. that is what he said. i spent the whole day cleaning my room. i found my old scrap book and collection of notes from high school. spent an hour going through them and thinking about he and he. went shopping with mom. fitting rooms always make me cry. spent hour on phone with close friend. he is cheating on her. she thinks he wants to end the relationship but is trying to be smooth about it. she cries. i cry. she goes on to talk of how when she goes out only her friends get hit on because they are more attractive. how when this is over she will have nothing. how relationships are not worth it if they are just going to end. i cry more. he IMs me. and he IMs me. and so does he. yes. three different he's. i am sure you are confused now. he just broke up with his girlfriend. didn't talk to me for almost an entire month while he was with her but now he does. then he (the italics signifying a different he) explains that just as easily as he has stopped reading my page he can write me off of his need to talk to list. he still talks to her about me. he still makes her feel bad. he won't leave me alone. and i still don't really know if i want him to. then the last he. he is hard to explain. he and i haven't been talking lately. our internet schedules have become incompatible. but we both are on for once... but all i can think about is said friend and her poopiness. and how the things she said to me made me feel worthless and even more insecure and aware of my loneliness.

sunday. at work he made fun of my hair. then he told me to shut the fuck up before he beats my ass. then he threatened to pour frappachino mix on me. "i'm serious, liz." i asked him to leave. short for 5 hours. screwed over self and other 2 baristas. he hates me for it. he thinks she is better at getting things done. he teases me about my mouth infection and my male friends. he makes me even more aware that everyone has a significant other except me. i am sad that i am actually attracted to him. that makes me hate him. hard to explain, i guess. she was unhappy. she did not enjoy her shift with me. all i want if for them to enjoy working with me. then he and she came in to help us close and remind me yet again how in love they are. a few older male customers hit on me. it made me sad because it seems like only those over the age of 30 seem to be interested in the way i look. i ran out of tampons mid shift. i did not take any breaks for the 8 and a half hours i was there. grande awake did not come in. i came home and the first and third he EVER of my life were outside in front of my neighborhood. i had called the first he about a week or so ago and he has not called me back. he just stared at me. i went inside. mommie yelled at me. i went back outside to deposit necessities in car. they whistled and cat called at me. i stopped and stared in the middle of the court. they didn't say anything. i went back inside and came out with forgotten items and a new hope to maybe ask him why he hadn't called me back. they were gone. i walked to my car and saw a car pull out behind me. i heard yelling as i shut my door and covered my ears. i went over to his house again. watched another movie. played guitar. still did not cuddle. he patted me on the back when we hugged. it's not that i want him... he is just a friend. and a damn good one. i don't want him to be more than that. i just want more than that.

monday: came home at like 2:30 am and he was online. he and i got into a spat. i am feeling lonely and insecure. he thought that was maybe a hint that he would no longer have a date to that wedding. then i IMed another him. a him i tried desperately hard to let go of after he dropped me. a him that writes the most wonderful things... things that i would want written about me. and well... he writes them for her. and it hurts... not that he doesn't write them for me... but that i don't have someone to write them for me. or that i don't have someone to write them for.

and so now here i am crying and thinking about how many he's i have let in that just go and mess me all up. when will one that i let in actually let me back into him? when will i let one in that sees me truly and wants me to see him? i don't care if you all think that this is stupid and redundant of me. i don't care if it shows how weak and pitiful i am because i want to be with someone. i am so lonely and lost and just... just sad.