i really should make up a collage of all these lovely messages.

so i got another one this morning. this time it was completely by accident.

i get into work and sign on AIM with my secret, backup screen name (AmongStarz shhhhh!). and i realize that because i have not used this screen name in such a long time that my buddy list needs to be updated.

i see her name online. i couldn't resist checking her away message and profile. i know. i'm dumb.

"They say people never change. Whoever "they" is, they're wrong. People do change, some for the better and some for worse. I am just hoping that as I change I am becoming a better person. I never want to be as disloyal and back stabbing as some of the people I have witnessed recently.

Thank you to my friends and family who have helped me through my rough times recently... I couldn't be more grateful for the love of true friends and the love of a good man."

now. i'm not putting this up here to whine and complain... in some selfish attempt to make these words not sting like they do. i'm putting it up here because it is on my mind... and i write about things that are on my mind.

would it be bad for me to admit that i snickered out loud reading this?

it's always the same thing. every single time. this self righteous thing that they do. this event (always centering around a boy) that uncovers me as the devious vixen that i am... out to hurt every woman close to me by stealing their men. i am SUCH a dirty, dirty slut.

i guess in a sick sort of way i am flattered... flattered that i get to be that epiphany that leads these young ladies to positive growth and change... my sins catapult them into honorable and righteous born-again virginity of the mind and body.

i just don't understand why they always feel the need to try and make me feel like scum in the process. i mean, positive growth and change should involve understanding and forgiveness... not bitter cut offs and smack talking.

...

i just took a break from typing to follow the directions in her profile to her new screen name and then to her webpage.

surprise, surprise!! there is crap written about me there too!!! and i come to find that she still reads my webpage... probably just to keep fresh, the thoughts in her mind about how much i wronged her.

and now... as much as i want to go back and delete this entire post because i know she'll just read it and it will just fuel this "thing" between us even more... i'm not going to let anyone control my thoughts or my writing. i don't have any bitterness towards her. i wish her well. but if she wants me out of her life... which she made abundantly clear...

then leave. me. alone.
stop trying to pry into my life when you have blocked me from yours. this masochistic tendency you have to keep things that hurt you so close you can taste them... it's not good for you. and it's not good for me. no more accidentally stumbling upon your internet world again.

and as for the rest of you ladies. i hope you don't plan on becoming a close friend of mine any time soon... because this bitch is apparently always on the prowl.

::hair flip::