very weird.

i feel sad. but really, really good.

i deposited my paycheck.

i paid off my phone. my car. my dental stuff. my ticket.

i called her back. and him. and him.

i took my bro to pick up his car.

i had an awesome (but tearful) morning at work.

i'm about to go to guard practice and i couldn't be more pumped.

i'm finishing the application for housing tonight.

i'm talking to my dad tonight about my debt consolidation and financial advising.

...

if nothing else. i needed this crappiness to realize that it is time for me to get my shit together. and you know what? i don't miss him at all. because i am still thinking about him 24/7. i'm still emailing him out the ass. i'm still leaving IMs and writing about him. i'm still acknowledging the butterflies.

he wrote something about how he hates having to maintain separate spheres in his internet world to maintain his privacy.

hehe well i don't want privacy anymore. hope he don't mind. i'm telling the whole wide world.

i am so in like with this boy and it pains me to know that i can't be with him the way i want to be with him right now. i haven't been this ready for a relationship in my entire life and i think it's probably a very good thing that i can't be in one at the same time. this is going to be a true challenge for me. and lord knows about me and challenges.

adam. luff. bebi. i know what i want.

i want to concentrate on myself and get back to what i set out to do over this past summer. i want to ache and pine for you not being near me. i want to send you love letters and gush to you about what is happening in my life without you. i want to wonder when i will hear from you next. i want to write you cryptic poetry and have random visits to sip hot chocolate together and play with each other's hair. i still want to go to wisp with our families. i want to not be allowed to sleep next to you. i want to not hear from you for days and then listen to you replay your events or read about them on your site and wish i could have shared them with you. i want to know you are dating other people. and i want it to hurt. i want to think about you when my fingers travel between my legs. i want us to hang out and for me not to pressure you to feel something you don't. and i want to be ok with not feeling things i want myself to feel. i want us to spend weekends together every once in a while.

the bottom line is that i want YOU. and i want you in a very practical sort of way. no labels. no commitment. just as a side note. a quiet smile to carry around knowing that you are out there and that you are wonderful.

i keep coming back to the same thesis. and damnit. this time i'm going to stick to it.

and in regards to you............. you gotta do what you need to do. bebez i want you to put yourself before me. i want you to do what you want to do for yourself. and yer not good at that. but i have total confidence that you could be. if you don't envision what i have tried to describe above, then that's ok. i'll move on eventually. but if you think you could be down with that... leave my readers and i a comment to let us know.

you are too good for me not to tell them about. sorry readers... i've kept you in the dark for too long. if you read the poem below, i think you'll understand.

no more secret posts. this is me and this is what i'm feeling.

i'm gonna quote my daddie again. "why do you young people think that when you like each other you have to do something about it. just enjoy liking each other and keep on with your life." goodness he is such a smart guy. so i'm pressing unpause. hope you can keep up.

...

i've decided not to do winterguard this season. i'm going to get an internship and continue working part-time for my mom. and i'm pretty much set on living in laurel for the the next year. i'm going to apply to go to grad school at UMD (which reminds me i need to look into my GRE's). as soon as i get settled into my new place, i'm going to get a night job. maybe uno's who still needs my help... but maybe somewheres in my new hood. i'm excited to make some new friends and contacts out that way.

i'm going to pound into the B&W site ASAP. i'm going to go solo on this for a little while. get things moving and then reevaluate the situation. adam, i obviously crave your help with this. i think i'm going to just put this site over at that URL anyways.

remember when i asked you to inspire me?

well... you did.