i am sitting in my freezing basement as i type this without shoes, socks or slippers so i've gotta make this quick.

i didn't go into work today. or bother to call and tell them that i wasn't coming. and sure enough... she somehow got my personal cell phone number and left me a bitchy voicemail. i'm not calling her back. and if she calls me again i am going to file a grievance for her violating my personal space as well as disrespecting me.

she made my eye twitch again... but that let up shortly after i made the powerplay of the day when my roommates and i went to the auto show in dc and i flirted and made politically incorrect jokes with one WWE god, Shawn Michaels.

i know. you sweat me.

oh oh... and if i don't see you before then... have an awesome fucking new year.

it has gone too far!!

the bitch X'ed out an unfinished post i was typing up. and then told the new employee i was training that she shouldn't listen to me because if i was a real employee i would have been fired already.

...

yeah. i'm not exaggerating.

that makes if official. today is my last day. she can go boink herself. hopefully i'll get to rewrite the post tonight.

i like how movies are a safe way to let the tears trickle down without anyone asking you what's wrong.

i just have a bad feeling about this...

while i must admit that he is right about self-fulfilling prophecy... and he is also right that everyone makes a conscious choice about how they deal with drama...



i just know.
i can't have a happy new year when there is no where and no one in particular that i want to spend it with.

however you want to spin it... this new year will be a time of great change in my life. but this is a story that begins with me being alone. and it's lonely.

it's always lonely.

i don't know
where the time went
and i can't remember
when i started to forget...

but none of that matters now
it's time to learn how

to say goodbye
goodbye
goodbye

no more childhood illusions
no more lying to myself

... i never used to hook up
just for fun.

i'm seriously dying inside without internet access at home.

and today is my last official day at work... so i won't have any access anywhere except my mom'z place.

i'm frightened.

and i'm so sick of this layout. and these out-dated subpages. and YOU, you selfish bitch.

hopefully with my unemployed ass and big D's week off from teaching we will be able to get the comcast bastards to pay us some attention. and then rico and i will build my supercomputer. and then i will move to the next stage in my quest to take over the world.

you laugh? i'll show you.

i really have no content. but let's pretend. kthnxbi.

the lead singer and i

the stage lights went down
the house lights came up

i squinted my eyes
and tried
tried to get them to close

"i look better in the dark," i said
but he looked at me and said
"no you don't."

... no you don't.

when all is said and done.
people just want love.
but what is missed, i think...
is that love is not something that you have or give.

it's something you live.

honkey tonk holiday

so it's monday morning. i'm only here a half day today. i'm a little jaded about this whole leaving my job thing. there is no excitement about it anymore... it's just like come on already.

xmas is nuts, as usual... and being that i'm never prepared, i have decided not to stress about it. i'd rather enjoy all the fuzzies and forget the fuss. those of you expecting/hoping for cards/presents from me... count on them not reaching your person until after the 25th. hopefully before the new year, though. i'm not that bad (most of the time, anyway).

had a good weekend. rolling with a new crew... meeting some new people. credit goes to my gurls MariB and Kia. got to see Kinya for a bit too. i like good people.

trying not to be too preoccupied with the he issues i had last week... and i think i'm doing a pretty good job. i am blatantly horny and forward about my current status, though. i hope i am not coming across as a shallow whore... cause you all know that ain't how it is. i'm just very... vocal. yes. vocal about my... frustration.

ooga. anyway. enough of that.

i'm trying to remember this little thing i sang in the shower yesterday.

i notice how she tries
to hide
that she's trying
at all

i notice how your hair curls
at the back of your neck
when you forget
to comb through it
with your finger tips.

i notice
when you don't notice me
noticing

ugh. i dunno. it sounded nice at the time.

'tis a sad, sad day.

i joined friendster.

so quick and add me before i feel like a loser.

let's skew their results, shall we?

go on and vote. show this supposed family association what real love is about.

my clothes and hair smell like him still.

and it pisses me off.

with every breath a flash of last night's events floods in through my nose. and right now i'd kinda like to forget about it.

forget about how much time was wasted. forget about what he didn't say. forget about him getting out of bed. forget about how i apologized for no reason... just because i thought he was pissed off and i didn't want him to be.

he has blown it 3 times now. and i'm ashamed that it passed 2. i've got no one to blame but myself.

funny how i thought skin on skin contact would change things.

ugh. for the 2nd time in my life i feel tainted. and for the gabillionth time... i feel like a dumbass.

looking back
on my own scribblings
now seeming ancient
and worlds away

i don't even remember
half of these thoughts
coming from inside of me

maybe my collection
is one of wise words
stolen from others

and barely filtered
through the fingers
that belong to my hands

but do even my fingers
belong to me
or have they been stolen

from my mother's heart
and my father's soul

where did the magic go in our lives
i am reminded especially in this season
that the gifts we give are hollow
the presents we receive mean nothing really

december is almost over now
and not even one present sits under my tree
and no, i don't mean a present for me

i have forgotten to run around
and pretend like i have a reason
to spend the bonus i didn't receive

i have a secret love affair
with old love letters
i pretended to write

i kiss my sister
open mouthed

i blame the hyper-awareness
i don't make excuses
for my shortcomings

i lovingly and tenderly
hold them
close. too close.
to my heart.

i felt silly yesterday
designing greeting cards
at my desk
with highlighters

i can't remember the last time
i did this
writing without purpose

i felt like i owed it to him

all i want for christmas is a song to sing

i know a secret... that i can't tell.

golden. it's going to be absolutely golden.

cannot wait until tomorrow night. cannot wait until this weekend. cannot wait until this fucking job is over and i can get my shit started!!

hit breaking point last night with fuckmunch. we both got to release a lot of pent up frustration... but not in the way i had hoped. haven't yelled like that since... well... since matt.

oh well. at least my shit is straight now and he knows i'm sick of him being lazy. he called me pompous, rude and insensitive. it'll make a nice fight scene in my screen play. all i have to do is learn how to write a screen play.

which brings me to my next point.

ladies and gentlemen... i'm selling out. well, i'm going to try to sell out. over the holiday season i am putting together a collection of my work and making some prints. so start getting friendly with paypal and cafepress... because i intend to join the masses of pseudo "freelance" bloggers.

this is basically a test for me to see if anyone will be interested in the type of things i'd like to create... and interested enough to pay for them.

so any words or encouragement/advice or anything really... you know where i be.

warning: not a good post.

so i know i need an update. but brawdband has already taken a crap on my face and isn't working. so i is waitin on a service call.

had a messed up weekend. like. you have no idea. power hour. kia. "you've got balls." xmas tree fiasco. staff party, lesbians, VIP, snow storm, drunken stick-shift driving morons, blue hawians (blegh) and a whole lot of cigarettes.

i almost messed up ordering the pay per view on sunday. i did go grocery shopping though... and i made a kick ass stir-fry. got a lot of shit done for guard...

too bad fuckmunch is being a lazy apathetic bastard... to more than just our personal relationship... now to the indoor program as well.

i seriously doubt that there is a guy out there who can impress me. and i'm just going to be an arrogant picky bitch about it. because frankly, the previous generation has popped out and raised a bunch of pussies.

i have not met one male who has made me feel like i could learn and/or grow from him in quite a long time. unless you count learning about guitars, weed, television shows, beer pong, computers, hockey or how to be a RAGING PATHETIC CHICKEN SHIT.

what a friggin waste of my time.

and you know it's not so easy when ... you're on your own.

i thought it would show my holiday spirit by wearing icicles last night on my way home from the game. it's a really easy trick for you fashion buffs out there. you know how water freezes when it's cold outside? well if you cry a little- just enough to let a few tears run down your cheeks- they freeze right onto your face, giving you that sparkling shine around your eyes.

very festive.

kind words for a change:

marib threw me this link a few min ago... and i gotta say that she's right. this doode is a new hero.

i'm sure he will receive a ton of responses for writing such an honest and inspiring column. well... at least one for sure.

"The Chink is right: Life is essentially playful. Of course, it plays a bit rough at times."

it is a good thing i enjoy wrestling because this whole week has been like a giant head lock. i'm serious... even my left eye keeps twitching. and there is no end in sight.

on monday evening i had work, guard and then i helped a good friend of mine house sit for his parents in potomac. that was glorious, but only involved 2 hours of sleep. tuesday work continued normally until the afternoon. then... the short version of the story involves me having a run in with the big boss lady and me being sent home 2 hours early. yeah.

after a shitty commute home, i napped for 45 min and then headed out to baltimore to scout a band and a boy at J. Patrick's Irish Pub. This proved to be very entertaining. I met and talked with an old irish lad named Pat (no relation to the bar). I'll tell you there is nothing more interesting then listening to a drunk old man tell his tales. Of course, it got less interesting when he went from story telling to hitting on lizzing. but the night was great, the pub is awesome, and i only spent $5. definitely going there again.

yesterday i started work again, this time on 5 hours of sleep. karma loves me, we know this... so after my incident yesterday i fucked up everything i touched all morning. thank god i only had a half day. after that i headed over to guard early for a meeting with the band director. got our account open and ordered a lot of equipment. practice went really well (as always) and then i somehow ended up at his house. and after an hour and a half drive home at midnight in the pouring rain... i crashed into my bed dreaming of that first kiss.

yep... you heard right.

so on my 4 hours of sleep from last night... after i get off of work he and i are going to the caps game.

oh the drama of it all.

then on friday after work, pops and i are going out for lunch/early dinner and i shall head over to CP for a power hour and evening of kia goodness. hopefully marib will join me if she is feeling better. then saturday i hafta get new tires and head home to get the xmas tree. then the moms my brah and i will waltz on over to the staff xmas party.

keep your fingers crossed for me. some prayers would rock too. i'll leave you with some of my irish friend's wise words:

"Now I don't mean to get sentimental... but sometimes I wish I could hold her. Just one more time. I know it sounds wacky, but when I go to sleep... I can still feel her up against my back. I pretend she is still in bed with me. She always said I kept her warm.

"Woman, get me my fiddle!

"Oh, I'd love to hear your stories. What kind of stories? With a pretty girl like you... I want to hear your love stories.

"It doesn't matter if you listen to any other thing i say. Just this. Make sure that you do what you want-when you want."

a little clean up.

in celebration of my new broadband internet connection, i cleaned up all the broken links i could find throughout my page.

please alert me if i missed any.

expect some new happiness in the subpages soon... but for now... it is off to the pub!!

never partying with white people ever again.

after this party i went to on saturday... it would be stupid to waste my money/time/energy going out for any social purpose without a crew of kenyans. it is like with them that everything is intensified. and i mean everything.

the music. the dancing. the drinking. the wardrobe.

it was mind blowing. a private party, swanky club atmosphere...

i only had to buy one drink the whole night, and i never had to dance alone. and man, it's nice to see young men dance. not in that rub up against you and gyrate kinda way either. these boys can werk it.

everyone was so freaking nice... and you could tell it was genuine. everyone wanted to make sure everyone was having a good time. there was no drama.

i wouldn't change anything about that night.

... except that text message i got from a certain someone in mid swing. ugh.

ok. i'm bitter. i know this post should go here... but i want comments. so it's going here.

so last night. we fight at work. he stays late so when i'm finished we can go eat. we eat. we shmooze. we play footsie. we fight some more. waitress hits on him. he hits on me.

snow starts falling. magical.

we get outside. cars are covered. he jokingly asks if i want to come over. he didn't expect a whole-hearted "yes" to push it's way through my smile, did he?

well that's what he got.

and he wasn't ready for it.

i hide in my hoodie. i nuzzle my rudolph nose against his. i lean forward. his hands maneuver a hostile take-over of my pockets.

"i don't think this would be a smart thing to do."

"so i take that as a no."

"no..."

"well i mean... what are we doing? should i just leave you alone?"

"well yeah...

::heart falls to the floor::

"if i'm like taking a crap or something."

"i hate you."

"i don't know what to do, liz."

"make a decision."

"i don't want things to get weird."

"they aren't going to get weird unless you make them. don't roll your eyes at me. all i know is that i wanna see what's here. so i can stop thinking about it."

"but i think we have a really good relationship right now and i don't want that to get messed up."

"listen. we both know this isn't smart. it's dumb even."

"so you like to do dumb things."

"well yeah, but. my point is that i don't limit myself from doing something i want to do just because some people may think that it's 'dumb'."

"tonight wouldn't be a good night anyway. we have to work tomorrow."

"well what if i came over and we just went to sleep? wait. no. i know what you're thinking... then what would the point of me coming over?"

giggle.

"goodnight."

"nite liz."

...

well guess what, folks? school got cancelled. and i could have easily called out of work. i could be knee deep in a fuzzie snowie night cap right now.

ugh. karma. you smite me.

i know. a quiz. sue me. you'll still take it anyway.

you're american beauty. you're full of hope and appreciate the beautiful things in life.

take the which prettie movie are you? quiz, a product of the slinkstercool community.

sometimes i miss this place

slap stick poetry

so i'm looking over today's one word like i usually do after i do my little blurb of the moment... and it hits me that in comparison to a vast majority of the writers on there... mine are very...

how do i put this.

... elementary.

now i'm not saying this to have a pity party... it just makes me wonder why, as i writer, i don't have this thing about using big words. i envy my peers (if i can call them that) who have such an impressive vocabulary.

i used to think that i used description appropriately and that while my spelling and grammar struggled... the honesty in my writing was what made it shine. now i'm wondering if that is enough.

maybe i need to take a class or do some exercises or something.

or maybe i just need to do some stream of conscious writing for longer than 60 seconds every once in a while.

blegh. i hate you self doubt.

why you just don't get it:

it's not for a lack of caring.
nor for a lack of motivation to fix things.

it's just the embarrassment of admitting...

that you were wrong.

once upon a time there was a little girl who liked to watch pro wrestling. she and her little brother ached for saturday mornings... just for the few moments of bliss they felt whenever hulk hogan stepped into the ring. there was also that weird feeling she got in her woo woo area whenever shawn michaels claimed another kissing victim. ::shiver::

that little girl has grown up. and she still dedicates her monday, thursday and once a month on sunday nights to keeping up with her soap opera on steroids. shawn michaels still sports the pink and black like a champ... but the woo woo area tingles now center around a newly short-haired christian and a white boy who can't rap. but that is besides the point.

this now big girl likes her wrestling. stop making fun of her for it. true, it's lame and fake and very silly. but what on television isn't? and true, it's violent and sexist (two things that this girl has a big problem with). but she puts that aside for a few hours to indulge her inner demons.

i'm jealous because i can't wear spandex in public anymore without being scoffed at... let alone hot pink spandex. i'm jealous cause i can't jump around and be all acrobatic anymore without people thinking i'm on crack. and i'm jealous that i can't coin myself a cool name and a bad attitude without being called a bitch.

i like wrestling. i like being loud and rude and belligerent while i watch my wrestling. i like having people watch it with me who get into it as much as i do. i like eating fried and fatty foods and drinking beer as i sit my fat ass in front of the television and no one is going to convince me that it's lame and uncool and something i should stop doing.

werd life.

the mornin' commute

these people made me shoot key lime pie yogurt out of my nose this morning.

they were discussing the rhythm and withdrawal methods of birth control. what did it for me was the background music of "The Rhythm is Going to Get You," "The Rhythm of the Night" and "Rhythm is a Dancer." absolutely hilarious. i can't believe people get paid just to talk about this stuff and take jokes waaaay too far.

new goal to add to my list. being on talk radio. because that would be hot.

my reply.

another reason for me to be irritated at my lack of internet access.

that goddess over there at after ophelia friggin dedicated this awesomely introspective rant to one of my earlier posts (scroll down to the too early to write poetry post).

and i fucking missed it.

so #1: my bad.
#2: my reply.

one of my best one liners ever. i will put this in a book one day, people... so don't even TRY to steal this.

why on earth would you work so hard to build something that will never truly stand?

...

that's easy. i'm in it for the falling.

it is so rare to find someone who really rox your sox that i really don't give a flinging poo if it is going to work out. just the chance to share a few (even if they are fleeting) moments of tummy tingle is worth all the heartbreak in the world to me.
those people that say they are ruined by break ups (ahem ahem) are forgetting that in order to appreciate the bad, you hafta appreciate the good. and vice versa. if it weren't for the sting of that heartbreak you wouldn't realize how glorious the love feels.

but lets /end preaching sappiness here. i think rico hit the nail on the head. it would be very easy for me to just fit my future into a box like my past. it would be safe. a sinch for me to handle. and i like being in control.

it's hard to get excited about tingles when you have experienced a lot of loneliness. wait. that doesn't sound right. what i mean is. when i feel tingles... i don't care if they are returned because the tingles in themselves are fucking bomb and worth it.
but... as time has gone on... when the pattern turns out that the person you are tingling for doesn't want to/know how to return them... it gets kinda cloudy.

ugh. my heart hurts.

and now i'm late for dinner.

i have faith. i'll get knocked on my ass eventually. and when i do... he can break my heart to pieces... i'll adore him for it.

everyday ...

... love me your own special way.

melt all my heart away...

... with a smile.

ok i'm done. wait. no i'm not.

take time to tell me...

yoouuuuuuuuu really caaaaaaare.

and we'll share tomorrow...

TOGETHER!!!!

heh.

i love old sappy love songs. and do you know why? because. they actually sing. plain old sing. straight forward and honest. none of this oo oo baby baby oo oo ooooooooo hit me hit me uh uh uhhhhhhhhh crap. they use words. that you can like... find in a dictionary.

i'm going to write love songs like that.

all systems are down.

so my comments don't work. i've been waiting 4 mother pooping days to get on the internet just to check up on my page... and now i can't talk to anyone or see if anyone left me love.

so email me, damnit... i'm feeling needy. this no regular internet access is for the birds. oh, and FECK verizon because they can't service my phone number at my new house. looks like DSL is out... and comcast poopie cable is in.

booooooooness.

weeeenar!

l2icochet: if you weren't so damn attractive and funny and such a good person there'd be no reason at all to keep you around.

is it too early to write poetry yet?

sometimes i am afraid to write about boys when they first start to occupy my daydreams. you know... the jinx factor.

but more so than that... i'm afraid to put my premonitions down. afraid they will be oh so on point like they usually are. afraid that my writing them down or typing them up begins a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.

but maybe i'll indulge anyway because i'm sick like that.

we will wait. prolong the tingling feelings in our tummies. pretend we don't see the knowing glances. not talk about the hugs that last too long. fight like we hate each other. drink beer together until we forget that it's a school night and we both have to work in the morning. try not to look like buddies at work but fail miserably.

i will get frustrated that he won't make a move but stay interested because of the incessant flirting. eventually i will follow my impatience's lead and make the move myself.

we will have a nice relationship... possibly even a long term thing. but i'll always be waiting. wanting more. when the bubble pops i'll look around and see that there is no chance. and i'll move on.

sigh. that's the way love goes. i'll keep you posted. i'm still waiting for the day that someone proves these forethoughts wrong.

Tom Robbins just fueling my fire ...

"do you imagine that a bright trace of delight, unnamable and indefensible, might tickle your spine; could you feel in an odd way elated -- elated, perhaps, because, in a rational world where even disasters are familiar and damn near rutine, something of almost fairytale flavor had occurred?"

so we all know i'm bad at answering my phone and returning phone calls. i don't wear this on my sleeve as an excuse for "slacking off" or anything... i am just a firm believer that nothing i do is so important that i need to be "on call" for people all of the time. i mean i wear scrubs everyday to work, but it's just a front.

this being the case... people get mad at me because i don't follow through with my "obligations" to keep in regular contact with people. this could be a key to figuring out the "why liz gets written off by "friends" all of the time" issue. but enough of that.

i was just wondering if anyone else has a cell phone but doesn't like to use it. and if people get mad because you don't take the time out to just call and say "hey i can't talk but i got your message." i mean seriously, like... what a waste of a minute.

relax. take a breath. your life will go on without you knowing if i know that you called me for some small scale reason that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. i mean, i don't freak out and die when people don't call me back. it's silly. i guess i just wish everyone on the planet was like me in regards to this.

i check my messages. at least every other day. but unless i hear the words "hospital," "dying," "broken down," or "hot sex"... chances are that i'm not going to call you back right away. even if it is the biggest party of the year you gotta come last minute kinda thing.

i'm sorry... this socialite is just not in fast forward. y'all know i love you even when i don't call you back. and thank you to everyone who has realized this about me and who doesn't mind (rico, marib and lindz... that's YOU).

MWAH. enough of this boring rambling.

stolen blatantly from MariB's profile:

Irish girls are unique in their character; they're a combination of a girl, a mother, a hooker & a nun. They go from Bambi to Banshee in 3.7 seconds. They can bat their eyes or blacken yours. They can love you with a passion & make you feel like a king. Depending on their mood, they'll chastise you for drinking or match you pint for pint. They keep Irish men from killin' themselves & each other. Uncomprehendable but indispensable.

hehe. this kinda crap is wonderful. i'm all smilie now. ::raspberry::

as i type this... i hold 3 month old Nicki in my lap. she thinks the noise that the keys make when i press them is rather entertaining. she also has a thing for my right thumb, but we won't get into that.

nicki is being adopted this morning by Prissy, PA. this new development explains a lot about ms. priss... and has helped turned her code name into a term of endearment for me.

this whole thing is phenomenal. the child is absolutely adorable. and now she has a mommy and daddy. i wish them luck at their adoption hearing today.

man. i cannot think of a better way to start the week. screw you guys for now... but i guess i'll come back to the internet as soon as she starts crying. ::wink::

spikedwabbit: for someone who thinks about the stars all the time, you should know better than try to control it.

buy me this!!

looking at the starz makes me feel good about myself.

meow ...

i noticed that i wasn't the only one who lit up when i walked into the room this time.

and when he reached out and grabbed my hand... just because... just to say hello... i flew up into this whirlwind of puffy bunnies, string cheese and china silk.

don't ask.

but it was hot.

i remember a discussion from my favorite tv show (i was gunna link the website, but mscl.com is down)... about men and women who get all angry and loud with each other for no good reason.

i believe Mrs. Triske was asking Patty if Halley Loenthall and Grahm get along. and Patty got all quiet and said, lying through her teeth, "yes they get along fine, why?" and Lisa (i think that's her name) goes "because if they can get so angry and fight with each other it means that there is underlying passion there."

anybuddy care to discuss? i am just a wee bit curious.

Happy 19th Burfday, Brah!

damn. nineteen years old.

i'm sorry, mike... but in my mind you will always be five. just because i was eight... and that was probably the best time of my life. i wouldn't trade the bulk of my childhood for anything. and you, little brudder, you were one of the main reasons it was so good. you know what i'm talking about... before dad moved out.

we just always had so much fun. we played outside constantly... created our own little worlds with living room forts and basement lego/barbie kingdoms. you played soccer. i had dance class. day trips on saturdays... church and visiting grandma on sundays...

and i loved school. i was so good at it. i remember reading to you with mom before we went to sleep. ha! and those bang on the wall wars we used to have when we didn't want to go to sleep!

geeze, man. that was fourteen years ago. seems like yesterday.

doode, let's try to get back to that. i really do believe that is what life is all about.

...

and to continue my michael babbling... let's not forget to mention what a fine young man you have turned into. and when i say fine, i mean damn fooooiiiiiiiine. i'm not ashamed to say it. you're hot.

but that's not even half of the man you have become. you are the purest heart i know. there's no question. you are the quality kind of man that legends are built out of. honest, trust worthy and trusting... you work hard at what you love... and you don't let anything anyone says about you get you down.

i envy you, boss... at times i think you are more of a grown up than i am.

i wish you all the luck and love this life has to offer. and i hope you stay motivated to reach your dreams (and i have the list of them, damnit, so don't think i'm not checking them off as you go).

to the one best friend i know will never leave me. happy mother pooping birthday. i love you.

what have i done?

so i haven't really talked to anyone since before i moved. i am without internet and a home phone number (that i am aware of). the lack of intellectual exchange is starting to get to me.

as much as i hate my job... i want to stop talking about it.
and as much as i love my guard... i want to talk about something else.

i work all day long. i sit in the car for over 2 hours. i get home and am so tired that all i want to do is eat and relax... but then i end up falling asleep on the couch. i FELL ASLEEP watching the maryland game last night.

that's just sad.

i'm not complaining... i know i am in transition... i know things will change... i'm just feeling... stunted in my growth.

i miss things. and people. yeah...

i love old women who come into the office smelling the same way my grandmother on my father's side did before she died. totally makes me day.

that and the men who sign in using all capital letters.

a good sign.

considering my first clinic is today...

today should present a very positive influence for you, dear Leo. The energy at play will allow for such things as excellent decision-making. Things will go much quicker than usual, and cooperation from colleagues, a lot of physical energy and a sharp mind will support you. What more could you ask for? You may well find that most everything will go your way and laughter will fill the hours. Give yourself a big smile because there shouldn't be anything you can't handle!

i thank the electronic astrologist gods of msn for this decree from above.

Originally written Oct.6th before my solo trip to see Howie Day in concert:

the sun goes down
the books turn over
and the sparkles.
they happen by accident

in window panes
pretending to be mirrors
i see myself sitting in plush velvet
pretending to be creative

dress down and look up
sip your latte
from the waste of paper
you call a cup

it was silly of me
wanting to take the magic
out of the coffee house

this vanity
will be a weekly thing i think.

my pad collects
rebellious sugar grains
from various
condiment bars
around the city
as it waits
for me to add
the half and half.

all i need is a fucking beret and a drum and i'll be set.

/tool

stolen from kia

a little taste of liz by song titles only: Lisa Loeb

1. Are you male or female?: Let's Forget About It
2. Describe yourself: Firecracker
3. How do some people feel about you?: Guessing Games
4. How do you feel about yourself?: When All the Starz Were Falling
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: Wishing Heart
6. Where would you rather be?: Dance With The Angels
7. Describe what you want to be: Someone You Should Know
8. Describe how you live: Truthfully
9. Describe how you love: The Way It Really Is
10. Share a few words of wisdom: You Don't Know Me

just do your thang... if it makes you feel better.

so i moved.

spent my first night in the new house last night after an evening of unpacking, pay per view and chili (without beans!!!).

love the house. love my room. love my roommates.

i'm just a little tired, though. i've been burning at both ends of my candle, as my daddi would say. tonight i plan on settling in a bit, buying some damn food and trying to relax.

i need to do some research on getting DSL installed.

until that happens, i will not have home internet access... so don't expect any layout changes for a bit. i'll only be able to post (as well as IM and email) while i'm at work... so that's a fair warning for anyone trying to get my attention.

and now i'd like to talk about colorguard. those of you who hate on this aspect of my life can stop reading.

so we drove on up to allentown, pennsylvania on saturday evening for USSBA championships. the band is in group 4A, which basically means the big dogs. we have around 100 kids in the band total... and i love every single smelly one of them. my squad has shrunk over the season from 12 to 7 (really, don't ask... if i was in charge... things would be way different)... so when you do the numbers... there just aren't enough flags on the field to get the visual impact a band this size needs.

DESPITE this fact... we came in second place... by ONE MOTHER POOPING TENTH OF A POINT. and do you know who we lost to?

a circus.

yes. you read correctly. a circus. the band had a big top tent on the field. and three huge circus rings. and those huge bouncy balls. and back drops. and stuffed animals. NOT TO MENTION 20 GUARD MEMBERS DRESSED IN CLOWN OUTFITS.

they bled money. custom custumes. custom flags. a set of 10ft flags. parasols. you name it... they paid for it.

on the one hand... i am very depressed that we lost... especially by the lowest possible amount EVER. but on the other... i am extremely proud that we held our own against a band the basically buys their trophies. we beat them out for best music and best marching... pretty much proving that we were the better band.

i just know if the guard program had been better funded... we would have floored them. spanked them. eaten them alive.

...

the trip was full of the usual band drama... complete with obscenities from the drumline, little adolescent male groupies following me around, and staff fraternization (well... almost). this whole group is just so positively charged and FUN to be around.

well... except for one of them. figures that that downer is my "boss."

she said something to me while we were waiting in the office for the equipment truck to be unloaded that really rubbed me the wrong way. it shouldn't be a big deal... but her expression and her tone and her whole being...

i just wanted to scream at her.

i fell asleep on the 4 hour busride home. duh. and i dreamed. i dreamed about winterguard. it was a great fucking dream. literally. like. probably the closest thing to a wet dream i've had since gradeschool. and i was giddy about it.

so i told her that i had dreamed about guard... and she just looked at me and said "you need to get a life."

........

I need to get a life? ME? this coming from the german spinster of the year?? i mean, heaven forbid i have an interest in something. heaven forbid i get off on being involved with guard. heh.

fuck you, you are the sponsor for god's sake... and if you can't appreciate that i breathe this activity then you need to get the hell out and let someone who would do the job correctly get in there.

she lost my respect on that one. totally. and i hope that in turn she is prepared to completely lose her authority over this program.

BlackCCCC: goodbye lizzie
BlackCCCC: you are a terrible friend
BlackCCCC signed off at 1:23:01 PM.

bump bump bump... another one bites the dust!!

...

*Edit:
i didn't know this post would cause such a stir. i guess even though this page IS mine... i owe you all an explanation.

i posted that IM message because i got it that afternoon out of nowhere. from someone who i haven't talked to or really hung out with (except once) for over 5 years. i posted it to sort of "mark the occasion." i have that kind of sadistic thing going about remembering when someone else makes me feel like a horrid human being. so yeah... i wanted to remind myself that he said that to me and that yet another person has decided to cut me out of their life completely.

for those of you new to the group... this happens to me a lot.

and i know you're thinking now "well maybe you should take note of that pattern and try to change that." and yes... it has been dually noted. but ummn, sorry... i'm not going to live my life letting other people determine what kind of person i am or how quality a friend i am or should be.

i have been reminded by a very special sort of he recently that people build up ideals of each other... and when that ideal is not lived up to... sometimes people can't handle it.

and well this kid that IMed me out of his life... he did that to me. he has some ideal liz in his brain who acts, talks, smells, and lives a certain way. unfortunately... that ideal doesn't line up with the ideal that i have built for myself.

i'm sorry, paul... i'm sorry you have hung onto me for such a long time. i'm sorry i'm not that perfect little girl you remember growing up with. i'm sorry that i won't let you back into my life in the way that you want to be let back in. i'm sorry that you think that i am a terrible friend... but more sorry that you think i am your friend at all.

you played me, paul. you fucked up my entire being back in the day. you twisted me around and you made me feel bad for being who i was and for being WITH who i was. and just because you feel guilty about what you did ALMOST SIX YEARS AGO doesn't mean that i'm going to welcome you back with open arms. i forgive you. i wish you nothing but happiness.

but i hope that your happiness is far, far away from me.

i know this still doesn't clear things up. this story is 22 years too long to delve into. just for those of you who think you know my "character" i've got a list of over a dozen people who would be happy, i'm sure, to clear things up and explain to you what a cold, selfish bitch i am.

and kristina (that is... if i am correct in deducting that you are kristina). i think it's cool for you to come in and defend your brother. but being that we haven't shared a friendship for the same amount of time... you really have no idea either.

think what you want. everyone is a lemming in their own way. and this little lemming isn't going to follow everyone's directions to jump off a cliff or hang myself. the only person's ideal i need to live up to is my own.

and if some of you can't roll with that... then have a nice life.

and it just makes me wonder.

wonder if i always seem to miss the point. miss the magic.
i mean i trust that it is there... maybe i just don't know how to open my eyes to it.

but then again... should i question its presence? should i even consider the fact that i could be making more of this than i should? is there really any magic to experience?

am i too busy pursuing love that i don't notice it trying to grab ahold of my ankles as i run around like a mad woman?

doubtful. i look down at my feet often. i would have noticed the little red hearts shadowing their movements.

i fall drunkenly in love with the possibilities of this relationship i just can't seem to find.
i'd rather have this love affair in my mind
then settle for some make-shift romance that doesn't satisfy.
that is the bottom line.

i try to plant seeds everywhere. i have quite the green thumb.
i just can't seem to get excited over carnations anymore.
i'm waiting to plant a seed and have it bloom into something i've never seen before.
i believe they call it contentment.

i believe
in a lot of things
like bad poetry
and parenting magazines.

to spell it out very bluntly. i want a man to knock (not to be confused with sweep) me off of my feet. leave me speechless. leave me scared. make me vulnerable.

i want to shake. physically and mentally.

i am a force... or at least i try to be. i try to get to people. make them feel things. learn things. and i need that returned. there is no want in that sentence. only a need.

well... a need... and a lot of wonder.

just another reason to dislike my gender...

some of the lamest shit i have ever read.

strategerous walks to the bathroom and other such nonsense.

i had chosen a title for this post last night... buuuuuut i can't seem to remember what it was. kia, please help a brotha out if you can.

sigh. dear, sweet, innocent, young and pure suspectred. my mariB. my tattoo necklace partner. my little vixen. you are a woman now.

no... she did not just get her period for the first time. she has just turned twenty one years old. and already holding her alcy better than half the guys i know.

celebrated at the infamous dollar buds at the fe in college park. the only retards in the place to drop $6 a pop for a round of irish car bombs. what can i say though? she had a red headed slut without me... i had to get her a bomb.

had a most excellent time with my late college gay boyz and the internet diva that is kia. i smell a group trip to velvet coming up in early december. lets mark our calendars now, kiddies... the weekend of the 6th?

i sent the ramen noodle over to a hot guy with a beer in hand to give to him. for those of you out of the loop... that means i sent my friend rommel over to a guy with a beer. yes. i bought a boy a beer.

so he and his friend joined us for a while at our table. and i guess... i guess my balls are just bigger than the guy's (mick? nick? wtf was his name?!)... and so he just sat next to me like a tool and didn't foster any conversation. i mean it is one thing to not be interested, stop by and say thanx for the beer and move on... but it is another thing to come over, plant yourself and then rub it in for over 10 minutes about how lame you are and how i wasted a dollar on you. at least i got a cig out of it. and his blonde friend mike was a cutie. he chatted us up more than lamer. well, lamer... if you can hear me out there in blog land... NEXT TIME either pretend to be interesting or DON'T COME OVER.

in other news... aw. i miss justin. sniffle. ok. i'm better now. my winterguard meeting went hella well... i'm pretty much set on a group of at least 20 kids. and they all seem really excited about making this happen. motivated, suburban, rich kids rock.

btw... sorry to anyone who has been trying to communicate with me via instant messenger lately. my genius brother downloaded some free software and it has completely OWNED!!! my computer. i can't seem to figure out how to get rid of it all. and when i'm at work... well... i'm at work. so i can't really talk much. email ::hint hint:: is a much better option.

monday morning reflections...

first and foremost. 2 bands.

maroon 5 and the early november. don't download them. purchase them. they are that good. they deserve your money.

november is emo yumminess... you know. the harsh lyrics and the lead singer slightly off key that makes you just want to melt. slurp. i suggest getting the "for all of this" ep before you purchase the full cd. everyone knows the eps are always better anyways.

maroon is rock funk wondrousness. lead singer reminds me of justin timberlake only not a tool. very edgy. very talented group. the kind of songs you memorize after the first time through because it got to you so bad.

hence my song of the moment.

---

the new house.

my room now looks like a room (and it's a sweet one at that). the basement has been cleared of the extra washer and dryer, now has the reclining sofa in position and the surround sound has been set up. the living room has now has all of the primary pieces of furniture in place... i even have hangers in my closet.

we moved about 2/5 of my stuff over early saturday morning and i spent some time arranging stuff last night. i really can't wait for this upcoming weekend. i'll get to that later.

---

QO colorguard was quite the experience last friday. the kids were off the hook, it being the last home game and all. while their performance was sloppy... i know they had an awesome time. and i also had a damn fine time cause some pretty cool people came by to say hello. then marib and i celebrated because the staff was being lame at the pub. again. lookin forward to this weekend.

went to PB's homecoming game on saturday after the move... i must admit the chinese food lunch experience was way more fun. their show was a good show... but the guard looked so bored. it made me really sad. i got even more upset when my fears were confirmed that a certain someone made it look like i was the one who didn't make an effort to help the squad out. prick.

anyway. i got in touch with some of my old squad and now possibly have a new rifle tech and a 9:30 club hook up. i miss allen a lot. it'll be a trip to work with him again.

---

party? i don't party.

heh. went to melissa's 16th burfday on saturday night. it was really cute. it's fun to be the only "adult" that's "cool" enough to hang out with the "kids." things became not as cute though, when the guys tried to dance with me and get candid shots of me "busting a move" with the wall.

then i went up to UMBC to hang out with Mike J. pay attention here, this is where things get hard to follow. Mike N. (my brother) and his friend Eddie were also both up at UMBC in preparation for a car show on sunday. so we decided to invite them along. Mike N. however, needed a little convincing to actually come. So Mike J. did the manly man thing and got him there.

i'll tell you... there is nothing that is as cool and scary as crap all at the same time... as partying with your younger sibling for the first time. now. i have hung out with my brother many times... but this was his first real college party outside of the ones i had at my place 2 summers ago.

mindblowing. i hope he had fun. haven't had a chance to talk to him yet.

that's because after he and Eddie bailed, we stayed until they kicked us out. my boys ran the beer pong table and i ran my mouth. i met a lot of people and had a shitload of fun.

i even had my first "lets go upstairs and fuck" attempt. no sugarcoating. no sweet talk. just hey. you're hot. i'm drunk. let's go. needless to say... his batting average was not as high that night as someone else i know. it felt good to shoot such a pretty boy down. not that i take pride in chipping away at the egos of arrogant preppy white boys, no. not at all.

the night was topped off when 2 PB kids from my first year teaching walked in on me playing beer pong. talked to them for a bit. crackheads.

we weren't done though. so we went to the Double T diner and got into one of the most drunkenly heated discussions i have had in a long time. it was riveting.

because our talk had ruined our buzzes... we took shots back at the apartment afterwards and played cards and such until at least 5am. my alarm ruined that dream of a night when it woke me up at 8:45am.

i'm still surprised at my lack of hangover. yay me.

---

so this coming weekend.

it's going to be phat. friday night is marib's burfday celebration at the dubliner in DC. saturday morning the boys help me finish my move (fingers crossed). then to QO by 3 for the last competition. 4 hour bus ride to PA. perform. get home around 3am. sleep in G'burg. heh. maybe. then sunday finish sleeping and head on up to laurel to settle in and celebrate my first night in the house with the pay per view and chili.

paint me excited. my weekends have improved vastly over the last 2 weeks. :)

now to work on the week days too...

it is pronounced "chip-oat-lay," asswhipe.

he explained it to me.

there are people in this world with cool brains. and that makes them cool. you, liz, have a cool brain. and i like you.
then there are people who don't have cool brains.

and that makes them not cool?

no, liz. that just makes them alright. the people who are just alright, they spend most of their time trying to be cool. but the people who have cool brains... they don't care if they look cool. because they just are. you can't elope with a cantaloupe.

he'd be brilliant if he wasn't such a pothead.

...

so dinner. dinner was cool. well, hot. ended up running into another blast from the past while waiting jeff's arrival. so we had a threesome. good convo. good times.

i added a touch of sour cream to my burritto this time to hold it all together... best move i have ever made. i'm never going back.

it was better once she left. jeff felt less pressure to be "brown."

and i was right. picked up right where we had left off. we discussed the institution of marriage. mused about writing poems for significant others. he even came to the conclusion that i was in love with him but would never be with him... thus the tragedy of our existences. yeah. good old jeff brown.

...

after dinner i met up with my dad and my bro at first field. chris day didn't give me the time of day. but paula and i chatted about how things are improving for her and my barista girls. she asked me when i was coming back. when i was going to take over the store. that was fun.

dad, mike and i had a hella good time talking too. no need to go into details. just love. we are the only family i know that will do group hugs and ass grabs in public. and i look watchers straight in the eye and clearly communicate that i know you think we are weird but only because you don't have what we do and that sucks for you so step off, bitch.

came home, took care of my sick mommie and then got into a fight with my brother about his poetry. brought the fight to a new and disturbing level when i asked him if he masturbated. heh. he wouldn't talk to me about it. mental note: must watch to see if he becomes more comfortable with his sexuality. i sure hope so.

then proceeded to fall asleep while reading even cowgirls. which is turning out to be as interesting as promised.

...

last night's experiences happened for a very clear purpose. to remind me of how i want to be and how i want to be with people. to give me a boost into my new city with my new house and my new roomies... to help me start out on the right track.

to remind me that i have very, very special people in my soul circle. i am undeserving. but thankful.

just a little off...

i have a very passionate love/hate relationship with sleep. i will expand upon this later... but the current issue is when you mean to only nap for 10-15 minutes and then end up sleeping the whole night.

i woke up at 6:19AM. fully clothed. with morning/coffee breath.

absofuckinglutely disgusting.

who can drink a quad grande hazelnut whitie at 9pm and tank out at 10:30pm? ME, that's who. damn you caffeine tolerance.

ahywho... i woke up and did that whole "where am i? mommie come save me! i pissed myself..." thing. and now i'm just bitter that i missed all this activity on my computer last night. damn you late night college fools and insomniacs. no one is online or posting during work hours when i'm stuck bored to tears... but when i'm asleep... that's when the underpants gnomes come out to play.

i see. i see how it works karma. this ain't over, whore.

ok. who the HELL forgot to remind me that november was the month that EVERYONE I KNOW was born?

geebus. at least i like... have a social agenda. and i hope you all enjoy your thoughtfully picked out burfday CARDS.

i'm poor, people. next time have a meeting and spread things out. it's no good to just clutter it all together and expect people like me to be PREPARED.

blasts from the past.

something is brewing again. i can feel the juices in my shoes when i walk. i have to steady myself when i stand because i'm afraid the force will knock me over. the dreams are back but i'm too unmotivated in the morning to try and remember them well enough to type them up. the coincidences are getting weirder. the foreshadowing in my mind is seriously blowing up.

i wish i was better tapped into myself sometimes. but i guess it's enough that i know something bigger than me is making a play. and to all you haters who don't believe or have faith in anything...

you can't fool me. i know you're just jealous.

...

tonight i'm going to dinner with the infamous jeffrey thomas simon belefonte ramshackle quimby camillis monamauve brown the third. most people just call him jeff brown.
haven't hung out with this guy since around the time he graduated 2 years ago. ran into him at a bowling alley about a month ago. saw him at a starbux maybe a year ago.

either way. jeff brown represents another world to me. a time in my life when everything was different. that cast members were all a lot more colorful and the majority of them were bisexual women. yep. they had a pool going to see which one of them could make me switch hit first.

this was back in the summer of '99. just graduated from high school. i followed my close friend morgan to the black hole that is starbucks coffee company.

and my life was never the same.

even now... jeff and i talked on the phone last night for maybe 20 minutes... and after we hung up i felt like i could battle the big show and come out on top. that time in my life... i was just starting college... i loved my jobs at the coffee shop and with the band... i had a great group of friends... i was so empowered. i fuckin miss that. hopefully dinner will go right along with my move and maybe this overwhelming feeling that i described above... maybe help rekindle that old liz... the one that they used to call "sunshine."

yeah, can you believe that? my nick name was sunshine.

what the fuck happened to me?

questions?

ok so i'm going to go trendy like everyone else and do the 100 things. but i also want to include an updated survey thing in my bio. and i'm feeling needy and uncreative. so if you have any good, origional questions... either email me or leave them as a comment.

i'm no longer requesting reader feedback. i am demanding it.

DIZZLER I AM TALKING TO YOU.

housekeeping!

::struts in wearing a french maid outfit::

so i moved the other sites i post on down to my blogroll. this way you can tell when i update those too. and since blogrolling hates me... i have to manually ping them.

oh well. i can handle that.

anywho. i need some ideas for subpages and my new layout. like... stuff you all want to know about me, the site, etc. if you don't give me any requests THE SITE WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK.

new home.

i like the place. and as soon as my reality self follows my virtual self and moves to its new home... expect a new fucking layout.

thanx shay. werd life.

ooga.

so we all have issues. things we have to deal with and work through. obstacles to overcome in our worlds and in our minds.

it's funny how sometimes people who i don't consider to be deep thinkers can knock me on my ass sometimes.

just because i like to fancy myself an intuitive and perceptive person does not mean i have all the answers... especially when the questions concern me.

i've put myself inside this bubble. i've lived in this bubble for almost a year now. a bubble that's shiny and pretty and magical in some ways... but when you break it down... it's really just a confining and limiting space.

i've been concentrating on the wrong things. so very aware of how hard it is for me to still be living at home. so very aware of my financial struggles and my dislike for my current employment. so very aware of my disappointment with my relationships concerning the opposite sex.

being aware is one thing. but hiding inside this bubble of poopiness while still presenting a shiny face for everyone else... yeah... it's not healthy... and thank god it is starting to fade.

so screw it. stupid boring bubble. i'm out.

i'm moving out in less than two weeks. i'm getting a new job and getting my crap together to go to grad school. i'm going to get guitar lessons from my new roommate and i am going to play some damn music already.

and i'm going to hang out with my friends again. and like. have a life.

sorry. boring post i know. but it's my page. and if you are one of those people in my life who knows how... sidetracked i can get when it comes to my social life... please smack me upside the head if you don't see me making any progress.

i'd really appreciate the beatings.

psuedo nanowrimo dribble

the puss started oozing out of her left ring finger again.

ironically the burn was the shape of a heart.

...

i know you took that moment to sing that backstreet boys song in your head. don't feel bad. i did too.

...

there is this metal rack that lives on top of the toaster oven. they put things on top of the rack that they are too lazy to wash right away.
like pans.

last week she was separating her english muffins with a clear, plastic fork. they had ran out of regular silverware. then she put the muffins inside of the toaster oven and pressed the "brown enough to be crispy but not hard and burnt" button.

to her left there was the stove. she pulled the screaming kettle off of the burner and added that boiling water to the mint tea bag that was preoccupied contemplating its death inside the bottom of her coffee mug.

...

why do they call them coffee mugs? she rarely drinks coffee out of them.

...

he blows his burps away from his mouth like a careless drag off of a cigarette.

...

right. back to the burn.
she came back from her tea mug and addressed the toaster oven. it burped at her in much of the same way he usually does. so she opened up the front and prepared to pull out her muffins.

however something was amiss. the dirty pans that were staying at the metal rack's place were sick of being dirty. so sick of their nasty, unclean lifestyle that they thought they would take the opportunity to end it all.

they jumped. and aimed right for her wedding ring. well. engagement ring. they weren't quite there yet. but the sentiment was there. the pans were bitter at the girl for being so happy. or rather, they thought she was happy... whether she really was happy or not really doesn't matter because the perception of the pans really is all that matters to the pans.

...

so they jumped. and they wanted to take that ring down with them.

little did she know that the metal rack, through no fault of its own, became an accomplice to the suicidal pans.

you see, when the toaster oven does its thing... the rack can't help but become hot and bothered over such a display of masculinity. the heat generating between its legs caused the entire structure, including the pans, to become skin piercingly hot.

...

she had excellent reflexes. she thought she'd save herself a bit of cleanup if she caught the pans and the rack before they hit counter top and went scattering her breakfast muffins and tea everywhere. so she raised her soon to be wedding ring up and let the pans fall onto the back of her hand.

a week and a bottle of neosporin later... her ring now lived on the middle shelf of the medicine cabinet. and a flesh colored band-aid tried to hide the burnt heart on her ring finger.

round about.

i... i wanna wrap you in rubber.

but not really. i mean... who actually like... desires to put a condom on (for) their lover? surely you jest. from what i hear, it lessons the sensation.

which brings me to york peppermint patties.

best chocolate and mint candy ever. andes mints ain't got shit on the patty.

let us not forget the wint-o-green lifesavor, though. they are a must-see in regards to the land of minty fresh breath.

mouthwash is a very important part of my life.

which reminds me. i need to brush my teeth. i will be making out very shortly. which brings me back to the beginning of this post...

ahem.

happy halloween, love.

i'm going to be pippi longstocking tonight. yep.

don't hate.

anybuddy know the name of her monkey?

FCUK!!!!!

it's done.

anybuddy wanna host me until i can get on my feet again??

PLEASE! I SWEAR I'LL UPDATE A LOT. AND IT'LL BE INTERESTING. I EVEN HAVE A NEW LAYOUT ALMOST READY TO GO.

::cries hysterically::

and for anyone who wants to be notified about where my site ends up... email me and let me know.

sorry everyone :(

goddess.

dawg of the moment:

i like this music.

i fell up the stairs this morning and tripped over my left shoe.
i pulled my hair out yesterday at the office because the place was an effing zoo.
i burned my finger last night cooking dinner and cried like a baby
and i wasted so much time being useless that i made myself crazy.

my colorguard and i are having a wonderful run this season
and my band director has made things enjoyable beyond reason.
it's a shame that my one passion and success
doesn't bring my budget any money or my mind any rest.

my moving date is drawing closer and closer
but things at home are getting tense and i feel like i'm on a roller coaster
i'm scared about finding a new place of employment
and going to this new city in hopes of finding some sort of social enjoyment.

i look over my blog and realize that i haven't written shit in weeks
but i am just not being inspired... i mean even this poem reeks.

The Commoners

So there's my mom. She's the office manager. Too tolerant for her own good.

And the best part about the office is the over 50 club. There's Patzie and Patty. No joke. Along with Kitty... they make up the nurses' power triangle. There is Diva, the beanie baby goddess who wears colorful scrubs and does jazzersize. She's my girl. Then there is Prissy... she's cool... but sometimes rubs me the wrong way. I think she has worked here TOO long if you know what I mean.

These ladies have all known me since before I was born.

Kinda scary.

Baby is the newly hired nurse. She's wickedly funny and sarcastic and she handles her shit well. She and I are buds. I'm glad she decided to continue on after her internship. Without her... I would be extremely bored.

There are the lab techs... LaQueshia and Shaniqua. Ghetto princesses to the core. I love being at check in because I get to hear their conversations all day. They are dressing up as vampires on halloween. get it?!?! they take BLOOD! hahahhaa ::falls out of chair laughing::

sigh.

And now... for the paper shufflers. Candy is the newest of the crew. She keeps leaving to go train at the other office. She keeps her own jar of goodies at her desk and doesn't like to share.

The Slacker sisters work check out and some nursing responsibilities but really just milk the clock and go out to lunch together. They like latin music and manicures.

Then we have Daft who is a secretary who acts like she is something more important. Her ignorance on just how useless she is proves to be entertaining at times.

Our file clerks are a trip and a half. DeeDee is a hyper little asian lady who hits people for fun more than i do. Mama stays on my ass all day and lets me vent during our carpooled rides to work. i heart both of them.

and then there is me. the boss' daughter who has no problem saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. like the url to my web page at staff lunch today...........

holy poo!! van morrison came out with a new record?!?!?!

what's wrong with this picture? ... i don't own it yet!

The Upper Class Staff:

So there's Dr. White. He's the big cheese. The senior. The one who has been through it all.

There's Dr. Hipster. He's the favorite. Patients will wait hours for this man. He says things like "Hello, Kitty." and "Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?" for no reason except to see me turn pink.

And then we have Dr. Boring. He bends over backwards for his patients. Is rarely in a good mood. Doesn't really say much to the likes of us receptionist whores.

Dr. Sexy is new. She can only see patients with certain insurances. Maybe I should call her Dr. Shady instead.

We have PA's too.

PA Love is my absolute favorite. She wears matching shirt and sweater sets that show hints of her cleavage, but is always professional and classy. She has pornstar hair.

PA Lousy is anal retentive, high strung and is always late. She tries to be cool and cute which makes things even worse.

PA Ream embraces her bitchiness. She's old, skinny and bitter. She works it well... but she's a spoiled brat. She makes my job harder.



maybe i'll introduce you to the office staff later. right now i'm too busy being bitter about my lack of lunch break.

so maybe it's my messiah complex thing

... combined with my watching the Matrix Reloaded last night.

I couldn't sleep at all. I'm so out of it right now. And not even in a cute way. It's pretty much just annoying and humiliating.

I layed down around 11pm. I was in a whirlpool of nightmares... stuck between self pity and self loathing.

I fucking hate nights like those.

I don't want to write. I don't want to share things with people. I've been avoiding one of my best friends. Blowing off the boy. Going hella introverted.

And while I believe that I need periods on introversion to make decisions, clear my head and sort of re-group emotionally... this is not one of those periods.

This is straight up depression bullshit.

And while my defenses want to say that there is no reason for me to be feeling this way... if I go psychoanalytic on my ass I know what's going on.

I'm not going to let this get to me... I'm going to have fun this weekend. I'm moving out in a month. I'm making progress on the B&W. I'm making money. I've got good people thinking about me and watching my back. I know this. I know this. I know this.





Sometimes I just wish that I could be one of those weak ones.

i really should make up a collage of all these lovely messages.

so i got another one this morning. this time it was completely by accident.

i get into work and sign on AIM with my secret, backup screen name (AmongStarz shhhhh!). and i realize that because i have not used this screen name in such a long time that my buddy list needs to be updated.

i see her name online. i couldn't resist checking her away message and profile. i know. i'm dumb.

"They say people never change. Whoever "they" is, they're wrong. People do change, some for the better and some for worse. I am just hoping that as I change I am becoming a better person. I never want to be as disloyal and back stabbing as some of the people I have witnessed recently.

Thank you to my friends and family who have helped me through my rough times recently... I couldn't be more grateful for the love of true friends and the love of a good man."

now. i'm not putting this up here to whine and complain... in some selfish attempt to make these words not sting like they do. i'm putting it up here because it is on my mind... and i write about things that are on my mind.

would it be bad for me to admit that i snickered out loud reading this?

it's always the same thing. every single time. this self righteous thing that they do. this event (always centering around a boy) that uncovers me as the devious vixen that i am... out to hurt every woman close to me by stealing their men. i am SUCH a dirty, dirty slut.

i guess in a sick sort of way i am flattered... flattered that i get to be that epiphany that leads these young ladies to positive growth and change... my sins catapult them into honorable and righteous born-again virginity of the mind and body.

i just don't understand why they always feel the need to try and make me feel like scum in the process. i mean, positive growth and change should involve understanding and forgiveness... not bitter cut offs and smack talking.

...

i just took a break from typing to follow the directions in her profile to her new screen name and then to her webpage.

surprise, surprise!! there is crap written about me there too!!! and i come to find that she still reads my webpage... probably just to keep fresh, the thoughts in her mind about how much i wronged her.

and now... as much as i want to go back and delete this entire post because i know she'll just read it and it will just fuel this "thing" between us even more... i'm not going to let anyone control my thoughts or my writing. i don't have any bitterness towards her. i wish her well. but if she wants me out of her life... which she made abundantly clear...

then leave. me. alone.
stop trying to pry into my life when you have blocked me from yours. this masochistic tendency you have to keep things that hurt you so close you can taste them... it's not good for you. and it's not good for me. no more accidentally stumbling upon your internet world again.

and as for the rest of you ladies. i hope you don't plan on becoming a close friend of mine any time soon... because this bitch is apparently always on the prowl.

::hair flip::

a prayer to the pooter gods.

both of them.

dear, sacred goddess of the porcelain black hole. mistress of the unmentionable. cleanser of our bodily waste. please help me overcome this demon residing inside of my digestive track. help me to rid my body of this being, who is using me to release his gaseous evils into this world. be my strength, my light... my exorcist.

dear, beauteous god of the 'puter. the electrical savior of my soul. son of Father Gates. please aid me in my time of need. please help me to rid my hard drive of the demon allowing me only to access the sacred information hidden in your robes by using the dreaded and feared SAFE MODE. i yearn for your guidance and grace and ask humbly that you act in haste.

amen.

a rough draft. i think i'll call it "though..."

once upon a time there was a little boy who liked to build cities out of legos. the houses were made to the scale of barbie and her ken. they were made that size so that he could play with his sister.

he was quiet about the barbie thing, though... whenever his friends came over to erect monstrous fortresses and have WW3 in their basement. barbie watched the battle from the arms of the sister on the other side of the room.

there were times that barbie was bored of ken and tired of just being his play thing. during these periods, she went for a more macho, yet much shorter GI that spent most of his time with the brother. joe, i think his name was. she never mentioned joe, or the brother, though... when the sister's friends were over playing beauty parlor and house.

whenever the parents were around, the sister usually ended up screaming at her brother... usually something about how he wouldn't let her have her way. the mother usually sided with the brother, though. him being the younger of the two. he always was a cryer.

she never really screamed and he never really cried though... when the two of them were playing by themselves.

...

15 years later... even though barbie and joe don't really hang out anymore, the brother and sister still play together, quietly... in secret.

forget i mentioned it, though.

big news, maybe?

yesterday we found a townhouse. a gorgeous, townhouse. if we get the place... we are moving in. my two roomies will be moving the last weekend in october, and i will follow suit halfway through november. that's a month, folks... and i'll be there.

i really hope we get this house. it's just... it's almost magical. if we don't get that place, we have single family home as backup. my room there doesn't have a closet or a finished basement. i will manage there... but i'd rather not, you know?

we shall see. i don't want to get into too much detail... i am afraid of jinxing this.

anywho. i shall be adding a wishlist soon so you all can buy me housewarming presents!! =D

I cut up my heart.
I made it into bite-sized pieces
To make it easier
For people to enjoy

But in my excitement
To give my love away
I didn’t save
A piece for myself

So now here I am
Craving a bit of love
wondering how much longer
i can live without it

wondering
how i could have made
such a mistake

Should I look for the pieces
That I gave out before
Or should I look for someone else’s
To replace my own

I don’t think
That anyone else’s
Could ever really satisfy me

But how do I
Get my heart back
Without being called


Indian giver

...

wanna hear it?

thank you, ranger... and welcome to the family.

very weird.

i feel sad. but really, really good.

i deposited my paycheck.

i paid off my phone. my car. my dental stuff. my ticket.

i called her back. and him. and him.

i took my bro to pick up his car.

i had an awesome (but tearful) morning at work.

i'm about to go to guard practice and i couldn't be more pumped.

i'm finishing the application for housing tonight.

i'm talking to my dad tonight about my debt consolidation and financial advising.

...

if nothing else. i needed this crappiness to realize that it is time for me to get my shit together. and you know what? i don't miss him at all. because i am still thinking about him 24/7. i'm still emailing him out the ass. i'm still leaving IMs and writing about him. i'm still acknowledging the butterflies.

he wrote something about how he hates having to maintain separate spheres in his internet world to maintain his privacy.

hehe well i don't want privacy anymore. hope he don't mind. i'm telling the whole wide world.

i am so in like with this boy and it pains me to know that i can't be with him the way i want to be with him right now. i haven't been this ready for a relationship in my entire life and i think it's probably a very good thing that i can't be in one at the same time. this is going to be a true challenge for me. and lord knows about me and challenges.

adam. luff. bebi. i know what i want.

i want to concentrate on myself and get back to what i set out to do over this past summer. i want to ache and pine for you not being near me. i want to send you love letters and gush to you about what is happening in my life without you. i want to wonder when i will hear from you next. i want to write you cryptic poetry and have random visits to sip hot chocolate together and play with each other's hair. i still want to go to wisp with our families. i want to not be allowed to sleep next to you. i want to not hear from you for days and then listen to you replay your events or read about them on your site and wish i could have shared them with you. i want to know you are dating other people. and i want it to hurt. i want to think about you when my fingers travel between my legs. i want us to hang out and for me not to pressure you to feel something you don't. and i want to be ok with not feeling things i want myself to feel. i want us to spend weekends together every once in a while.

the bottom line is that i want YOU. and i want you in a very practical sort of way. no labels. no commitment. just as a side note. a quiet smile to carry around knowing that you are out there and that you are wonderful.

i keep coming back to the same thesis. and damnit. this time i'm going to stick to it.

and in regards to you............. you gotta do what you need to do. bebez i want you to put yourself before me. i want you to do what you want to do for yourself. and yer not good at that. but i have total confidence that you could be. if you don't envision what i have tried to describe above, then that's ok. i'll move on eventually. but if you think you could be down with that... leave my readers and i a comment to let us know.

you are too good for me not to tell them about. sorry readers... i've kept you in the dark for too long. if you read the poem below, i think you'll understand.

no more secret posts. this is me and this is what i'm feeling.

i'm gonna quote my daddie again. "why do you young people think that when you like each other you have to do something about it. just enjoy liking each other and keep on with your life." goodness he is such a smart guy. so i'm pressing unpause. hope you can keep up.

...

i've decided not to do winterguard this season. i'm going to get an internship and continue working part-time for my mom. and i'm pretty much set on living in laurel for the the next year. i'm going to apply to go to grad school at UMD (which reminds me i need to look into my GRE's). as soon as i get settled into my new place, i'm going to get a night job. maybe uno's who still needs my help... but maybe somewheres in my new hood. i'm excited to make some new friends and contacts out that way.

i'm going to pound into the B&W site ASAP. i'm going to go solo on this for a little while. get things moving and then reevaluate the situation. adam, i obviously crave your help with this. i think i'm going to just put this site over at that URL anyways.

remember when i asked you to inspire me?

well... you did.

his emails are cold already. that explains the shivering, i guess.

fucking bittersweetly-bad poetry.

and as i drive on home
in the rain
i can't help but wonder
about you
and what we became

somewhere in between
chicken wings
and silly string
you chose me
and we
we decided to fall in love

but i pretended
i lied to everyone
including myself
i said that you couldn't be
everything
that i want and need

i thought you were a moment
of weakness
a mistake
that i should be ashamed of making

but when i finally admitted
that you were more
that you were worth the risk
karma came back
and gave this love a twist

a love
can't survive
on a wish
just like a heart
can't rely
on a kiss

time and space
have won this round
and that makes it so hard
to let go
even when we both know
that's what it will take

and so i sing my song
to these roads that i drive along

and the water
pouring from the sky
matches the tears
falling from my eyes

well isn't it exciting?

tonight's the big night. i'm going to go see my husband in concert...

alone.

this is the first time i've ever really done something like this by myself. i've never seen a movie alone... and i've only gone out to dinner in a real restaurant alone once. so this is kind of a bench mark for me.

i've decided to drive to the white flint metro station after i get off of work tonight and head on over to the 9:30 club that way instead of driving into DC.

so not ONLY am i going to be that shady kid jammin with herself at a concert on a monday night... but i am going to be riding alone on the metro around 11pm too!! wee.

aside from the supposed "wierdness" about me doing this... i really am hyped to see my boy. finally. it's been over 2 years of me obsessing. and his new album is fuckin amazing.

so go downloa - i mean BUY it tomorrow when it comes out. and don't be surprised if i go lyrical and whistful up in this piece after the concert.

sigh... i can feel the drool collecting in my mouth already.

so i hear that you're sick!

sick? sick of what? the current state of affairs?

ah. i see.

well, miss. why don't you change something about it then? you work for your mother and would feel bad screwing her over? you need to keep the job anyway because you are poor but really want to move out of your house? you don't want to rock the boat because you are just volunteering and have no real authority? you want to be in a relationship with him but the distance and timing just makes it impractical?

ah. i see.

maybe you feel like without some dilema or problem to fix that you are not using your time wisely? like you need to be in a constant whirlwind of drama? without that outside issue to worry about you can't hide from all of the doubt and questions you have going on inside? maybe in order to appreciate your intuition and your analytic nature you also need to experience a calm and quiet within your heart every once in a while? maybe you are afraid of admitting that you don't always have the answers?

...

see?

found in an old journal ...

how many colds have you had in your life?

does that mean you weren't well in between?

you gonna take cough syrup all your life just in case?

why, you ask?

THAT'S WHY!

you are about as steady as a candle's open flame...
and about as bright as a 3-way light bulb on its lowest setting.

stuff i want to add to my quote book later:

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." - Walt Disney

"Well done is better than well said." - Ben Franklin

"Research is what i'm doing when i don't know what i'm doing." - Wernher Von Braun

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." - Victor Borge

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." - Groucho Marx

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known." - Carl Sagan

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." - Jimi Hendrix

cue drooling here .

this makes me sad.

i hope i always like things like that. and i hope those things always mean something.

Have faith, hang in there… things fall apart so things can fall back together.

I wish I were poetic enough to convey with words what has happened with me over the last few days. But maybe my poetry comes in my lack of ability to sugarcoat certain things that I experience and feel.

Some of you know that there are a few lists of people in my life… the main two being those who have been close to me that I plan on keeping close forever… and then those who were close to me who now hate my guts and don’t want me in their lives anymore.

I have ranted about this before… I’m searching my archives now to see if I blogged about it.

…

ok I can’t find it… and skimming through all my long rants from previous years just distracts me from my point. So if you don’t know my track record with “best friends”, you’ll just hafta pretend to understand.

Let’s just get it all on the table… I lost another best friend last night. Cut off, hated and put in my place about how I am untrustworthy and how I intentionally hurt people. She “never thought I had it in me…” but I defy the laws of physics and grammar and human thought on a regular basis so I guess I am not surprised that I could turn into such a selfish and dishonest bitch.

Some of my stalkers are probably like “see!!! You got fucked again, liz!! I’m not the only one who thinks you are a horrid person who no one should be friends with.” And all I have to say to you is STOP FUCKING READING MY PAGE AND GET A LIFE. IF I AM SO BAD AND SCARY AND SOMETHING TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THEN GO AWAY!!

So I am… how do I say this nicely… very ok with this. Because of something else that happened this weekend.

You see… a very best friend that i had thought i'd lost... she fuckin came back.

And I can’t tell you how mushy gushy inside it makes me feel. It’s like… a high I haven’t felt since I graduated. To me… it just confirms everything that I have felt and thought about friendships. People have to go and grow through things on their own. They have to figure it out and want to change before anything will happen. I can’t make someone think or feel the way that I believe is the truth and the best way to be. And they can’t do the same to me.

Some people (a whole lot of them, actually) just aren’t ready for the real type of friendship I so desperately need. Real friends DO have problems. They DO change. They DO make mistakes and they DO hurt one another. But they are open and honest and real when they do. And there aren’t hard feelings… there is an understanding and a caring between them. That these pains that happen throughout our lives are part of living… and that as long as we want to work together to be good to ourselves and each other… then it’s all gravy.

There is no such thing as the perfect person, friend or lover. The perfection comes through working together to create the perfect love. I stole that one from my man, Tom Robbins.

I make mistakes. I do things that others may not approve of or even agree with. But that’s going to happen with everyone. That is not how you measure friendship.

And well… if that is how YOU measure your trust and relationships… then you should probably rethink your relationship with me. Because I am guaranteed… I mean there is a list of at least ten people to confirm this… to disappoint you.

joy! rapture! sweet lord in heaven!

yeah...

i am overly excited about this.

anybuddy want to be my date?

ok you know what? my mother and i had a most-excellent convo in the car on the way to work today and in light of a website that i frequent... i need to vent.

i'm debating about whether or not i should post this on that site... give me some feedback here if you think it will even be worth it.

ahem.

he calls me vain. and it bothers me.

yes, i check myself in the mirror if i pass one. and not in one of those can't look away from a car accident sort of ways. whenever i wear my hair down... i am playing with it. i fidget constantly and my mane is a good way to occupy idle hands. (devon sawa vision ::drool:: ... ok, i'm better now). my hair is very long and very thick, so it gets tangled easily. i adore my hair as a big part of my identity and want it to look good.

i try to buy clothing that is flattering. i wear outfits that i feel are appropriate for the occasion. i bathe daily and wash my hair at least every other day. i wear ankle socks with shorts because i think they make my legs look sexy. i wear sneakers a lot because they make my feet look cute. i try to groom on days that i know i'll see him. i accessorize like a champ.

but beyond buying hair care products that i like because of their smell and bitching on occasion about the middle ground between juniors and misses that IS my size 12 existence... i don't think about fashion or make up or my appearance.

now before you call me a hottie hater... i'm not hating on people who are attractive or who like to look good. i'm hating on people who spend hours a day thinking, preparing and acting on maintaining their personal appearance.

paint me retarded, but i have a ton of other things that i would rather occupy my time AND my brain with.

they say that your personal appearance reflects on you and your lifestyle. i agree whole-heartedly. my lifestyle is one where i make an effort to be practical and appropriate and to take care of myself... but i am in search of something deeper that cannot be put on a logical scale and i will disregard social graces in order to find fulfillment.

i think that people should take pride in their appearances. and that you should take care of yourself and try to look the best that you can. the key word in the sentence is YOU. use what you were given. why spend so much time to try to look like something/one that you aren't?!?! why doesn't anyone want to be who they are anymore instead of one variation or color combo of a specific prototype?!?!?!?!?! it just seems to me that people have taken a general concern/interest for their appearance and gone way overboard.

if you get some sort of internal happiness from researching and analyzing highlighting methods, eyeshadow and the art of the tube top... i am happy that you found what makes you tick... but get the FUCK away from me.
if you are so obsessed with style and fashion that you wouldn't date someone on dread row for the fashion police even if they were everything else you could ever dream of in a mate then WALK AWAY QUICKLY. i'm getting a gun and i WILL pop a cap in your well-loofa'ed ass.
if you read cosmo for the articles, of course regularly and own over 2/3 of the merchandise found throughout the zine... and you whine about not finding that see-through blouse in the color you wanted on the forever 21 website (every week)... i hope you die.

let me reiterate... i don't mind people who like fashion or make up or applying both or either of these things to their daily maintenance. i am one of those people. it's the psychos who don't seem to care about anything else in their lives above how they look that make me want to punch their newly-chiseled nose and suck all of the fat that was injected into their lips. or slash their entire wardrobe and have dogs chew up all of their shoes. highlight their hair green (in the not cool way) and give them bad hair cuts. just to prove that their lives wouldn't be over if they didn't look good.

ugh. now i wanna go out and run around in public in my target jeans (not flared.. but BOOT CUT), dayglow green t-shirt, with my hair in pig tails (not the uber cute and trendy low ones, but the i'm motherfucking pippy long stocking ones), no make-up and flipflops with socks on underneath.

it is 6:30pm and i am still at work

ugh.

that's almost an 11 hour day, people.

11 hours of my life. wasted.

gone. forever. and ever. amen.

how do people LIVE like this?!?!

i have had quite a few conversations on the steady job for the rest of your life subject. and let's just say i'm not coming out a better person for it. everyone tells me i'm just going to have to suck it up and train myself into routine. well i'm sorry... but FUCK THAT.
i don't care if it is what's expected. i don't care if that's what it takes to manage a healthy family and household. in the words of dana carvey i'm just "not gonna do it." if this was the point of all my schooling... then the point sucks my right nipple. and not in the good way.

i want a job where i learn things. and teach things. and im not talking about stupid paper shuffling things... i mean like things about life. and people. i want the 40+ hours a week i spend doing whatever i'm doing to be worthwhile and meaningful. and i want to do different things. not the same crap every day. and if no job out there exists to my standards then i'll just have to work multiples... or switch every time i get bored.
i AM aware that this will not provide me with a nice income or steady benefits. and that's fine because i could give a fuck about either of those things.

maybe in 5 or 10 years i'll change my tune. i'll have a hubby and kiddies who will make me reprioritize. but i doubt it. because even with a life partner or offspring... i will look for the same things in my life... as well as theirs.

i will not settle.

and don't you try to make me feel bad about wanting something different from what society tells me i should want. i appreciate the advice. i do. but just watch what you say. i know you think it's for my own good... but good is relative. trust me to decide for myself.