I had another one! Come on, you know what I'm talking about... one of those unexpected events that occur when you are hanging out with someone you haven't bonded with in a while... and you just keep hanging out... and keep hanging out... and all of a sudden it's 6:42 AM on New Year's Eve.

Amazing PoOp, Lindz!! Thank you mucho for one of the best evening/night/mornings I have had in a while!!! Good food, good movie, good company... good memories... sigh. It still bothers me that the world is such an incestual, dirty place... but you help me rememeber than I am pretty clean. And goodness gracious- we covered all the bases! You are truly a strong and totally awesome lady... and you'll get yours. I have faith. And I know you do too.

Somewhere in there.

I leave you with some quotes from our favorite emotional fuckwhit:

"I'm doing a anthropoligical study on love..."

"(not to sound pompus or big headed)"

"I regressed to my base instinctual desires, that is, to procreate."

"This stuff makes me hate me."

"your overly shy quality and your aversion to actively invoking what you feel in others reminds me of me... when I was your age."

"and some ribald soothsayer, crawling into your eyes with my dirty unknowledgable talk and infesting you with strains of low self esteem...
like some misanthropic alchemist, turning your self styled happy life into some leaded mass of confusion and dissonance."

and the best response ever.... "ENGLISH PLEASE, I'M INTELLIGENT, BUT I'M NOT A DICTIONARY."

Good Night.
Err, Mornin.

I finished a journal today. That's a big deal. This book has been with me since I graduated from high school. For two and a half years I have been scribbling in this thing on a not-so-regular basis. Geeze.
It's the same kinda feeling of when you finish a whole stick of Chapstick or run out of ink in a pen... only multiply that by 10,000.
Intense. Now I'm going to go back and read it all.
Yes!

Wow. Amazing stuff, that fine family fun... I wish people were this nice and considerate and thankful of each other all the time... myself included!

Happy Holidays, EVERYBODY!

WoO!

Spent a lot of the day with Nestor and Garrett. And despite their stupidly entertaining banter, Garrett hitting me every five seconds and threatening to hurt me, and Nestor's preoccupation with Ivory ::wink wink::, these two guys are- I know, I hate to admit it- perfect gentlemen. In the past, most of my interaction with them has either been at marching band practice or over the computer, so I had no clue how truly great these two are. And no, I am not just posting this to give their egos a boost... on the contrary... I'm posting this to let every girl who has given up on the male half of the species know that THERE ARE STILL GOOD ONES LEFT. I mean, they are goofs, and have some issues... but doesn't everyone?!?! I think, at the core, these two have their heads on straight. I was impressed.
So yeah... thanx for the awesome day. Let's do it again. MWAH!

Coincidence, maybe? Only a few days after I put up that passage about Brandon on my web page... guess who just happens to call my ass?? Yep. We went out to dinner at the Macaroni Grill. He paid. Insane.

The thing is... he has never seen my web page, or any of my blogs for that matter, and he really has no clue what has been going on in my life. I forgot how long it had been since I had really talked to him. He didn't even know about my brother.
He is- in some ways, very comfortingly-and in other ways very troublesomely- the same. Exactly the same. To a T, whatever that means. While I had so much to tell him about my life and what has been going on (especially within the last four months-god- it seems so much longer than that), he was just chillin' doing the same things he used to do. His mind is still in the same place. It was great to see him again, and have him be exactly as I had remembered... but it made me realize something too. Since we were together (over a year now), I have changed a lot and moved into a totally different way of living and loving.

I started to think about our relationship... analyze and criticize everything we did together. But... before I drove myself crazy... I reminded myself that I was different back then and that I need different things. Brandon was everything I needed. He was the best boyfriend I have ever had. He treated me with so much love and respect it was ridiculous. If love were a shopping list... I would have married him. He had almost everything on that list.
But considering everything that has happened... I've got a few more items to add to my list. I want someone who wants to grow and change with me. Someone who isn't afraid to let things go, grow up, and welcomes conflict with open arms.

Thanks for the experience, B, you fatty. And for old time's sake...stop smoking, get a job, and figure out what you want to do with yourself. heh. Love you.

"Whenever I want to smell him...
I put on his leather jacket,
Smoke a cigarette,
Wash my hands
And pop a mint in my mouth."
-I miss you, Brandon.

"Missing someone and missing something that you had with someone are two different worlds...
but like night and day, they often embrace each other."
-January 10, 2001

I swear to goodness gracious. This semester may have been one of the worst, hardest and most difficult of my life... but when I look back at what I've gone through... how I have grown... I am at a loss for words.

I thank God for every single one of you who has remained an active and positive part of my life. I do not know if I could be where I am without you. I honestly don't think I could have made it through one of the most defining parts of my life if it hadn't been for the few truest friends I've ever had.

Thank You.
Happy Holidays.
I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know.

Can't sleep. Poopage. So I'm just going to ramble for a while. This blog is probably not going to be funny, awe inspiring, or even thought provoking. I apologize in advance.

I really want my own website. With my own cool templates and html tags and other sophisticated computer jargon talk. Blogger is really cool, but it's just not personalized enough for me. I want bad pictures that people will hate me for putting online, links to websites that no one will ever look at, and a cooler way to organize my writings. But I, alas, am html retarded (pardon my politically incorrect slang terminology)... and therefore have a page of nothingness. I'm serious. Check it out.

www.wam.umd.edu/~eniemiec

Not only does it have the eye-pleasing "The Page Cannot Be Found," but it has it THREE SEPARATE TIMES. I am so pitiful. But hopefully tomorrow, Nestor will come and make everything ok. WoO!

I have come to the conclusion that I am dying, socially. The lack of interesting, exciting and/or new things happening to me is really starting to mess with my head. I feel like a slug. Nothing to complain about really, except that I'm poor and can't move into the coolest house ever on Harvard Rd. with my dawg, Morgan, but I'm over that. I'm used to living at home and commuting.
I have accepted that I will just forever be 45 minutes away from everyone and everything.

Did you know that I spend over 2 hours in the car on an average day? Just think of all the time wasted listening to the friggin radio because my cassette thing doesn't work! Ugh, heartbreaking! From school, to work, back to school, to home, to gas station to school, to Starbux, to home... etc.... etc.... etc... wait. How DO you spell etcetera.... wow.

What was I saying? Oh yeah... social death. I really want to have a social life. I really want to date people. I miss people. I miss romantic drama. I could use a change of scenery and supporting actors.

Wheat Thins are amazing. Definitely the snack food of the month. The crunchy, nutty goodness, the salty, lip-smacking edge... and that baked yumminess is totally unsurpassable.

I have a cold. I think it has something to do with walking around in DC in the rain, sitting in a really hot, smoky cafe, and then staying up until 4am. Yeah.
But it was worth it. I missed having those really long conversations about everything. I saw myself in a very, very good friend of mine. She reminded me how cool people like us are. Us people who are in love with emotions. Love especially. I had forgotten my infatuation with people and how much I can learn from them.

Thank You, Jonelle.
Even though I am not going to miss you... I am going to miss the chances to have experiences like this weekend with you.
The people who never take the time to notice you are missing out. And the people who finally do notice... they are very thankful.

Because I know I am.


I have never seen such an ugly, fat, funny girl come alive
Like the way you did when tears lit up your eyes

As you spoke of the things that make you cry
The things that make you feel like you want to die
But leave your insides
Turned, twisted and alive

That alive feeling only a conflict can bring
Like the conflict my heart has with my self-conscious head
Every time I open my mouth only not to sing

You didn't have to date this musician
Or even have to give me good head
To make me want to remember all of those little things
That touched your heart
Like phone calls from underneath bathroom sinks

You have so many flaws and faults and discrepancies
Self-defeating tendencies
You truly do annoy me with your insecurities
Only because they remind me
of mine

In trying to write a song of praise
A poem of love and life
It seems that i always turns out that way
alone, and full of strife

But you already knew about that
You experience my frustration too
Are we fat?
Are our hearts are true?

Who knows.
But then again...
Who cares?
The only thing that matters...
Is how we feel

That is what makes it real.

Now all I gotta do is join a friggin acapella group.

Watch Out! Here comes positive blog #3 in a row! Something is freakishly wrong here! But, oh well... I gotta take advantage of this while it lasts!

Winter Guard is the answer to all of my problems...

Problem #1 : MONEY

Being the smartie pants that I am, I made the members pay a $10 staff fee for participating... this means... I GET PAID at least $150. That will so help with my next car payment. WOo.

Problem #2 : BEING A LAZY FAT ASS

Hello physical activity! I actually sweat today. Amazing. And no, it wasn't because of the freakish weather. OH yeah... and making high school kids to chest pumps to each other is fuckin hilarious. And laughing burns calories too.

Problem #3: LACK OF BOYS

My guard has 7 fine, strapping young lads. And they like me. It's great. Eww, that disgusting... I would never... but the attention is nice. SO THERE.

Problem #4 : MY POOPY MOOD

I love these kids. I love being around them. I love practice. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. I love being in charge of a group that is so committed, hardworking and dedicated. Amazing. Their energy just pumps me up even more. It's like crack. MCPS crack.

Problem #5 : MUSIC

I get to write dance and flag and weapon routines to music... THAT I PICK. It is so cool... I can sing along, dance around and have fun... and be surrounded by music that I love. Heh. Our show this year is Incubus' Pardon Me. I know, how cool is that?!?! I mean, how cooool am I?!??!

I'm serious. Everyone should go out and help run a winter guard. Hell, I'll even hire you. My staff so far is 2 of my bestest friends ever who are so skilled it's unbelievable and 2 amazing people who I know are going to be a great help to the program.
So quick- grab a flag pole and just surrender to the magic that is... Winter Guard.

WoO.

Sigh... I'm drunk with love.

I miss this good, mushy, I've-got-this-person-out-there-that-I-think-the-world-of... and-they-care-about-me-too love.
Haven't felt this love in long time.
Wish this love wasn't in Arizona.
However, feel very lucky to have this love at all.

This is the love that I will write about in my photo albums, baby books and scrap book quotes. This is the love I will tell my grandkids about.

This is the love of a friend I want so badly to touch.
Damn.

Must seek more of this love and revel in it.
Good God, did you have any idea what kind of amazing shit you put on this planet?!?!?!?

I'm workin on it. I swear. I really would like to go back and erase this last week. My poopiness got a little outta control. But i take it back. I don't wanna be negative, bitchy, bitter liz. She is funny... but that is where the attractive qualities end.
I think we can all say that idealistic, romantic, semi-optimistic and cheery Liz is way cooler. And she is pretty funny too. Plus... I hear she can sing.

Anyways... I apologize for losing sight of what I like about my life... and myself.
I just haven't, until very recently, been reminded about all the gifts I have been given... and I sorta forgot about the positives.

It's easy to lose those shiny starz when there is no moon to reflect their light.

Uh huh.

I knew it was gone. I fuckin' knew I couldn't have things go right for this long...
Welcum home... Bitchy, Negative Liz IS BACK.

DON'T TOUCH ME. I'll kill you.

I'm still having issues with brain farts. I think I just got a little blogger-pressed for a while there. I actually thought I had something interesting to say. Funny thing.

I think it's that time of the month- I almost cried over what we were having for dinner tonight. Yeah. Because Crispy Beef really just gets to me, you know?

So I hosted Open Mic Night. It was cool. I wasn't that great, but I think my off-stage personality is what helped me win everyone over. So what if I'm not cut out for being someone who introduces the performers... this just helps prove that I should be a performer... sure.

My dad and I aren't doing good. He just left. I'm crying again. I don't know if it has something to do with Dawson's Dad dying, or Ben not forgiving Felicity, or the Beef thing again... but I'm just really scared that my momentary state of happiness and motivation is going to be leaving soon. This sense that it'll be the last time I'll hear my dad slam the front door... because if you don't, it won't close all the way. I get into these moods when I'm at home. I'm a total bitch to my mom, brother and dad. I dunno, this sense of bitter resentment... I'm taking it out on them... it's not their fault I had to move back in... I should be considerate of them. When it turns out I'm better at being considerate to someone I should be resentful towards. What the hell is my problem?

You know how good it feels when you let your tears fall down your face... and your cheeks get cool and wet... I wish that I could get that feeling without the crying.

Sorry I'm not blogging a lot. I just feel stupid. My brain keeps farting... but I refuse to write it down.

Wacktacular.
My new word. HA! I love it.

Anyways, that is how I feel right now. Say it out loud... you know you want to... WACKtacular. Totally sarcastic... but totally sincere all at the same time. hahahahaa

God, I kill myself.

Hang out with people you miss.

It makes you feel amazing.

Saturday was probably one of the longest days of my life. But it was wonderful. Spent the whole day in DC and Georgetown... and then back to G'burg for one of the best mornings of my life. I mean, technically, it was morning. hehe.

I got to feel, if only for a millisecond, what it was like to be a DJ. That's just cool. Sigh. This could open up a whole new dimension to my make-believe band. Having one of my most favorite boyz on the planet mixing MY vocals. Add that to Liz's List of Amazingly Out Of Reach Goals.

NO. No bitter sarcasm... it could happen.

Meanwhile, I've got a whole lot more missing to do until next weekend. I'm sure it will be just as mind-blowing as this one was. Tee Hee.

I just don't know.


Edit: I think this was in response to the movie The Bitter Club saw for MariB's burfday. Check out T's response to it... mine is a little different, though.

I thought the movie was aimed at being vulgar, crappy comedy... but it just hit home with us not-size-six-babyz. The movie was supposed to involve EXTREMELY overweight and shallow people, but Rosemary was too dead-on with some of the issues even attractively plump women have to deal with. For the first time in my life, I cried at a movie and I am ashamed to admit it. I let that piece of shit movie make me feel like an insecure 7th grader who is struggling to deal with puberty again. That pisses me off.

Whatever. I just wonder how it hit other people who can't really relate. I bet they thought it was hilarious. Disgusting.

I knew we should have seen monster's inc.
Yeah... I am bitter.

I'm going to start blogging my lyrics and stories. Keep hitting this and The Bitter Club up for updates... I think I'm going to create a purely fictional blog. Yeah... SOon... I promise... there will be tons... I'm never going to stop.


Edit: Yup, Yup! I made one!! http://dreamingstarz.blogspot.com

Well done. Beautiful. He is like walking, talking inspiration. I see what I want from him now. His ability to evoke so many emotions in me at the same time... the way he enhances everything about my perceptions... he is my marijuana. If I can steal a couple hours with him every month or so... that will be perfection for me. Maybe I can give him a little help and advice along the way as well. It would be nice to be a real friend to him.
Anyway. That chapter in my could-be prince charmings is coming to an elegant end. I got to enjoy his shoulders. And his lips. I'm thankful for that. And although it wasn't what I had dreamt it up to be- honestly- I'm glad it wasn't. I'm glad he is not the epitome of what I want right now.

What do you do when you can't respect someone... how they act... how they treat people... what they do... their absence of integrity and honor...
But you just revel in their company?

That's easy. You hang out with them until they piss you off so much that you have to push them away. And when you push them away, you will be left with a great surge of strength... and a new appreciation for yourself.

But maybe you won't even have to push them away... maybe they will just slowly fall off the pedestal you placed them upon and you will see them for the imperfect people that they are. And love them for that. And accordingly... move on.

I went to Java Head with my dawgz from orientation and the best human on the planet this evening. It was open mic night for music.
Man. I've gotta start making that a regular part of my schedule.
That is my goal... by the end of this year... to sing some of my stuff in there.
I haven't touched my guitar since I moved back home (2 months)... but my voice class is going very well. My creative juices seem to be flowing again with my writing as well. And I'm obsessed with this website crap now too. I need to get back into the game.
I just loved being there... in a crappy cafe witha bunch of other dreamers who were sharing their dreams.
Well, I wanna share my dreams too, damnit.
And some of the guys that performed were just horrible- but I was in total awe of them because they got up there and put all their insecurities in their pockets just so they could tell their stories. That takes big balls. They risk the possibility of being laughed at, mocked, criticized and shafted. They do it.
Totally amazing.

If you see me... remind me that I HAVE to do this, and soon.
If you play guitar or another instrument and would be interested in working with some lyrics and a timid singer... call me.
Arg! It's times like this that I wish Don was still here. He was the only person I actually got up enough courage to sing for. I want to work with him so bad. He is an amazing musician, person and inspiration. If I thought I had a shot, I'd drive over to Pheonix and force him to record with me right now. Goodness... if I could spend the rest of my life doing whatever I wanted... I would sing. Write it... and then sing it.

I WILL DO THIS.

It's just too strong... too powerful. This drive is just too important for me to let my insecurities and fear keep me from accomplishing my dreams.

Please excuse the following spurt of negativity:
There has been this reoccuring pattern in my life. The more I try to be nice and care about people... the more I end up hurting them. It seems like my intentions always backfire. I end up hurting the people I'm trying to protect. Well... they end up hurting me. And I always find fault within myself. Yeah. So I'd stay away from me... before I try to care about you too. Cause it'll just be bad for the both of us. Maybe I need to rethink my career goals.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled Blog 'O Fun.

Friday was such a good day. No english class... and a Playmate centrefold and a Stripper spoke in my SOCY class. You sweat me, I know.
But wait, it gets better! DP Dough, My Best Friend's Wedding, Horny Kermit, and South of the Border. That party was so fly the cops even came. No citations necessary, thank you.

Leftover punch from the party is still sitting in a tuperware container in my trunk. That's when you know you did good.

Random moments of illumination. The kind of clarity rarely had by non-pot-smokers. I've got that right now. This weekend has been simply amazing. Not good amazing... just simply mind-blowing and eye-opening. I will blog about it eventually. But right now... I need to pump out a paper on the causes of adolescent sexual immaturity. Something, thank god... I am blessed not to have a problem with. Despite my experiences... I think I finally have a firm grasp on my own sexuality- ha! I know! Amazing! I love it. I feel so beautiful right now. Everyone and everything can be so beautiful. Especially conflict, pain, and struggle.

Try noticing that. Try appreciating that. Woo.

Have you ever gotten an unexpected gift? One that just made you feel so 'special' inside? Well. I got two of those yesterday.

The good gift was an excellent scrap book and set of pens.
From the bestest human on the planet.

The other gift was...

A pumpkin.
A huge pumpkin.
A huge pumpkin with my name carved in it.
A FUKKIN JACKOLANTERN WITH LIZ CARVED IN IT.

Who does this?
Besides your run-of-the-mill psychos, you mean?
A male admirer of mine.

Yes.
My life is complete.
WHY ISN'T THERE ANYONE NORMAL OUT THERE?

Ummn. Sketch?
Yes.
I'm afraid.

So yesterday...totally had a leak in one of my tires... so I decided to play it safe and drive the wagon to school.
Yeah. Totally broke down on 270. Totally missed all of my classes, missed my voice performace, and getting back my HUGE english paper. Totally had to pay $114 to get it towed back home.
Play it safe my ass.

OK. Enough with this self destructive crap. So my life isn't exactly 'peachie.'
Time to get over it. I mean, I'm still allowed to cry and be in a not-so-happy mood... but I'm getting behind in my daily functioning.

I need to get a job. Face the facts. Dad can't help pay for drumcore because he needs to pay for his treatment and surgery... SO HE CAN STAY ALIVE. That is a good thing. He is making a smart decision. Yes. Woo.
So what if I can't march? Who knows if I would have made it anyways. I'm getting ready to throw in the towl at PB anyways. It just isn't worth it. I'll find the kids someone more qualified. Get myself out of that poopbucket full of drama.

And hopefully I'll be moving out for spring semester. Into a place that I'll actually feel comfortable in. WOO.
And I like being at home for a lot of reasons. Love, support... being around people who attempt to make you feel good. Safe. But too safe!! I want to be on my own again!! Just be patient... your family needs you. And you don't have selfish little pricks to deal with at here. Well, Mike isn't thatbad.

And boys... well... they suck even when your life is going well. You don't want or need one anyways. Go cuddle with your cat. And read a good book. Icecream is good too. Mmmmmn.

Now, Liz. Go visit Nonnie. She needs you to be strong. Literally. You hafta help her walk to the bathroom.

Who needs to have a happy and healthy family? Not me.
Who needs to have a social life? Not me.
Who needs to march drum core? Not me.
Who needs to live away from home? Not me.
Who needs anyone to actually give a fuck what's going on in thier life? Not me.

Yeah. This self-doubt crap sux.
So does this self-pity shit.
I'm so pissed off... why the hell can't I just get a break?

Go away.

It was positive.
My dad has prostate cancer.

My sleeping patterns are horrible. I feel like I am wasting so much time. I don't feel like I am getting anything of consequence done. Everything seems so trivial and pointless.
Classes are going well... but I find that I don't need to do a lot of work outside of going to class at all to stay on top of things. That's bad- I get lazy. I want work to do. I want something to write about. This floating around doing nothing sucks so bad. I want an agenda.

My family is suffering from more physical problems than I know how to handle. It makes me worried that I am next in line- but more importantly- I'm so afraid of losing them. My grandmother and my father seem to be the most questionable. I don't know what I'm going to do when they leave. It makes me go numb just to think about it.

I just feel like I'm in the center of a tornado. I, myself, am fine. In the eye of the storm, I feel a false sense of security. All of this danger and badness is circling around my existence and I am afraid to move in any direction. I am afraid of getting caught up in the powerful winds of this suffering. I'm dizzy, cold and lonely. I can't seem to find my way out of here- but if I try to get through and fail... I'm going to get caught in a cycle that my mind cannot handle right now.

I cannot find one of my semi-new, too-white Filas.
You know what I'm talking about. That pair of shoes you purchased because they were on sale... the pair of shoes that are totally white, with the exception of maybe a few light-blue stripes. The pair you know you can't where in public right away because the light reflected off of them would blind people. The pair you can only wear for about a month before they lose that oh-so-white magic and turn that weird tan color.

I wanted to wear that pair today. Damn you, Fila. Damn you.

Who is important to you? Who will you remember when you look back on your life? It's funny how sometimes the biggest impacts can be made by the smallest occurrences.
I mean, how often do you get to see the sunrise on the Maryland coast towards the end of october?

So today I created my Sub Profile.
And being the loser that I am, I wanted to put up a link to my own website. Of course, I haven’t updated my web site in over 6 months, so it has been deleted.
By default, I thought… My Blogger! Woo! I can put a link to My Blogger up! Of course, I only blogged once… and that was 8 months ago.
So yeah…
Let’s Try Some Substance Here, Liz!

It begins.

"It's just like cuddling with a Butterball turkey." - Jeff Foxworthy

What a brilliant man. His ability to sum up my entire social/hormonal experience in one sentence... I feel so alive.