Like I didn't have enough crap to deal with already. Now PB is giving me problems too. Yay. More stress. I am seriously starting to question myself and the decisions I make. I want to quit everything and start all over somewhere new and different. Kinya was right, I have been crying a lot lately. I suck.

But, thanks to Dawn for bein there for me again... it's nice to have someone there who, even though you don't think the same way I do, can still listen, support and understand my situation. I don't know when or how... but you somehow have come to know me very well.

She says I think too much. Too bad I haven't thought of a way to turn my brain off.

Tom Robbins' Quotes: (to be updated as I read "Another Roadside Attraction")

In the morning there are signs of magic everywhere. (3)

"What is the function of the artist?" Amanda demanded of the talented trespasser.
"The function of the artist," the navajo answered, "is to provide what life does not." (4)

Blushing, the Idiot rose to his feet. He removed, with respect, his battered gray tam and stared down at his boots. "Logic only gives man what he needs," he stammered. "Magic gives him what he wants." (7)

"There is no such thing as a weird human being. It's just that some people require more understanding than others." (10)

He was a dreamer who entertained exotic visions of himself, visions related to what he obviously regarded as his ties to another zone, perhaps to another time. (14)

I'm scared. Horribly, shamefully scared. This has truly been the second most drama-filled week of my life, almost a sick anniversary of sorts. I felt that I had grown, given, and gained so much in this last year... only to find myself in the same place: scared and unknowing.

I want to think I am better than how I am feeling and acting. I want to think that I am something that I should be proud of. And I'm not thinking what I want to think. I just don't know if I can find the strength I need to change and better myself again... I'm so tired. I'm only twenty years old and I'm already so tired. Tired, scared, unknowing and lost.

Maybe I will never know where I am going or what I need to do. Maybe no one does. But it would sure be nice for once. Real nice.

So after all the festivities last night... I think the best way to sum things up are with 2 songs...

Liz's Theme: "Neon," by John Mayer

When sky blue gets dark enough
To see the colors of the city lights
A trail of ruby red and diamond white
Hits her like a sunrise


She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can


Tonight she's out to lose herself
And find a high on Peachtree Street
From mixed drinks to techno beats it's always
Heavy into everything


She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can
She comes and goes and no one knows
She's slipping through my hands


She's always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away


I can't be her angel now
You know it's not my place to hold her down
And it's hard for me to take a stand
When I would take her anyway I can


She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can
She comes and goes and no one knows
She's slipping through my hands


She's always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away


Kinya's Theme: "Just Friends," by Mario

I wanna know you name and
I wanna know if you gotta man ( I wanna know)
I wanna know everything
I wanna ya number and if I can come over and
I wanna know what ya like
I wanna know so I can do it all night
But you're telling me I'm just a friend
You're telling me I'm just a friend

Oh baby you (oh baby you)
Got what I need (got what I need)
But you say I'm just a friend (say I'm just a friend)
But you say I'm just a friend
Cos I can be your (cos I can be your)
Fantasy
But you say I'm just a friend (say I'm just a friend)
But you say I'm just a friend

I wanna know you in and out
I wanna know what you're all about ( I wanna know)
I wanna know what makes you laugh
I wanna know about your past
I wanna know how you move
I wanna know so I can move too ( I wanna know)
But you're telling me I'm just a friend
Telling me I'm just a friend

Oh baby you (oh baby you)
Got what I need (got what I need, yeah)
But you say I'm just a friend (say I'm just a friend)
But you say I'm just a friend
Cos I can be your (girl I can be your)
Fantasy ( fantasy, yeah)
But you say I'm just a friend (say I'm just a friend)
But you say I'm just a friend

( Woah oh baby you) Oh baby you
Got what I need (got what I need, yeah)
But you say I'm just a friend (say I'm just a friend)
But you say I'm just a friend
(Woah) Cos I can be your
Fantasy ( fantasy, yeah)
But you say I'm just a friend ( but you say I'm just a friend, girl)
But you say I'm just a friend

(Oh, can you) Give me one reason why (why)

kinya from kenya has a date with a prick
when i meet this cocky boy
i am sure i will think him a dick

i hope they don't have sex
or make any babies
because a product of these two
would just make me go crazy

What Was Your PastLife?

i just can't feel like more than fun anymore
i can't find a deeper sense of satisfaction
in anything i do
and it doesn't matter who
i am with
or where we go
i have fun

lots of fun.

but fun just doesn't cut it for me, maybe?
why isn't that enough
why do my hands feel so rough
and no one else knows this
cause they just aren't touched like they used to be
my fingers fade into a memory


i fly from these moments of true
to these horribly low moments of blue

i don't say good morning anymore
only goodnight

they don't even notice that i'm alive
even when they give me attention
it's forced and fake
why do i feel like i can't make
up for these mistakes

I just cannot put into words how shitty today was. Normally, I would treat you all to a long-winded, drawn-out account of all the meaningless, petty issues that I have had today, but am too bitterly tired to do so. So instead, I'll simply state that I cannot wait to go to OC with Jonelle on Saturday... and I cannot wait even MORE for my party on the 26th.

The engineering ladies gave me a new alarm clock. Now that is love.

My alarm clock is a bitch. Mother fucker just goes off whenever it feels like going off. Never when I actually set it... hence, my bitterness. I was 1 hour late for work today. I literally want to throw it out the window... (hehehe, "if you throw my alram clock out the window, I'll throw your boyfriend out the window!!"). Somebody buy me a new one for my burfday. Only one month left...

speaking of burfdays...

HAPPY BURFDAY, MOMMY!!! I LOVE YOU!!

So today was really weird.

After a mind-numbing 8.5 hours in the office... I head home to G'burg to celebrate my mommy's 55th burfday. Ummn, not so much. Huge throw down with the family... lots of yelling and crying. Not cool.

But just when I thought Mom's burfday had been ruined, we all started talking to each other about the problems... and man... I just let it all out. It was truly one of the most liberating conversations I have ever had. I was calm, collected and respectful, but I made my points. I think my parents now understand why I'm study what I am studying.

Anywho, I'll spare you the details of the issues... but let's just say this is that start of some changes. I just hope it works out. I know it will work out. Because I'm willing to make the effort. No more keeping my mouth shut and waiting for someone else to fix things.

After that weird exchange, I hung out with David for a while. That was really good too. Weird topic of conversation, but very appropriate for our situation. Nothing but goodness. And now I have to make sure I watch some muppet show on sunday night at 10pm. This should be funny.

And THEN I get back to CP and get some really cool songs from Jason (I know too many people named jason. this jason is strago from TGW). And I gotta say...Tool is not that bad... I mean... I'm not into the loud, angry scary screaming stuff... but their lyrics are mind blowing. I'm definitely going to give them a shot. And talking about music got me so pumped up, I started singing some stuff and recording it. Totally sent them to Jason #1 (my amazing guitar buddy from high school) and he apparently liked what he heard. It was fun. yay. goodnes... love.

Hell yes to McDonalds egg mcmuffin meals for free. I'm presently searching for a post I wrote a while ago the night after I came home from a club...

[1/19/2002 10:30:54 PM | Liz ]
Went clubbin' last night with my favorite OA's and company and I have come to the conclusion...

if I could afford being a club kid... I so would.

I love the scene.
I love the music.
I love singing along and getting hyped up when you know the words.
I love the old people who stand awkwardly at the bars or get their grooves on.
I love the shady guys who sneak up from behind so you can't see them.
I love those chill moments during the music when everyone goes into hippie dancing mode.
I love stealing water from the bathroom sinks so I don't hafta pay for it.
I love helping stupid little drunk girls that fall down and pass out on the floor.
I love the stories you can tell about your night afterwards...

Well then... I couldn't have said it better myself! heh. I just have a few things to add:

I love being with a group of friends that you don't feel any pressure to impress each other... not worrying about anything... just having a good time.
I love meeting random people waiting in line and in the bathroom.
I love the big black X's I have to wear on my hands for the next month.
I love watching my girls get drunk and start groovin with nasty guys.
I love boob shirts.
I love it at the end of the night when eveyrone else is getting tired and starts dancing slower and the space opens up enough for me to show off and act silly.
I love saying "five more minutes."

MikeyJ and I worked on my car today. He is wonderful. Changed the oil, filled up all the fluids, tried to get a new air filter... and he is fixing all the little dings I've accumulated over these few months of my Lot 1 adventures. We went out to eat with my daddy at Chili's. It was yum. Mike is just like my brother, Mike. It's sick. I love him to death and am so glad how things have panned out between us. I just hope we stay good friends. He is just such a quality guy. I'm not letting this one fade away if I can help it.

He got me thinking about my lack of male counterparts. I mean, I used to be a guy's girl... I had very few female friends and a ton of boyz that I just clicked with. I miss that a lot. I really only have my dad, bro and mike now. And don't get me wrong, I love it that I have found females that I can actually stand... but seriously... ever since Matt and I had our... whatever... I have felt a void. I'm going to get that back. I think that is why I was hurting so bad for boyfriendish action. I don't think I was pining for a relationship of the romantic sort... just a quality relationship with a guy in general.

This puts things back into perspective and now I know what's up. I'm very excited about this. Any boyz who are interested in a new female friend... just to fart around with, laugh, waste time, play pong, make music... anything... I'm totally here and willing.

Holy crap. I just tried to add another page to my website... and it is telling me that I ran out of room. WTF is that?!?!? All the more reason for me to redo this shit and get my own domain...

well, anyways... here is what i was gonna put up. it isn't quality... but it's one of the only free-flow things i've managed to get out in a while. let's see if my writers block get's smacked a bit by this.



...and I didn't get to see the end of the movie...
...and I didn't get the chance to feel you move me...

I must have nodded off
Fell away into my dreams
I couldn't make it stop
And I don't know what it means...

It's like I'm the starring role
In a movie no one's ever seen
It's like I'm singing a song
That no one knows

I won't hit top 40
Or be a National Best Seller
Not too many people have even heard my story
Not too many people even know her

Or really want to
Have even thought about it
have ever noticed
I noticed...

that you didn't.

Real World totally bit the big one tonight. I was not impressed with the last episode (or the whole season really). Seriously, they need something new- they need new kinds of people who discover more than their independence from home, overcome their homophobia, get laid all the time, or who are bitches to each other. And dear god, NO MORE WANNA-BE MUSICIANS!! (It makes me sad and jealous).

I still maintain that I would be an awesome Real World character.

And after my big, bad bickering with Kinya today... the crap from that show totally makes me love her to death. Even if she is the SLOWEST PERSON ON THE PLANET. Bah.

No one has made any comments yet. Boo. I guess no one really reads this thing anyways.

Oh well... I got back form Connecticut today after a very interesting ride home with my aunt and uncle. Again, like Alabama, the trip was so much fun... but way to fucking short.

I have officially been promoted to the adult table. I got slipped a crapload of white wine and now know what really happened to my cousin's exhusband. Excellent.

Saw MIB2 with my counterparts Mike, Tina and Ian. Not as good as the first (we saw that together back in the day here at the Rio and there was a fire drill mid-movie and we had to go see the second because of sentimental reasons), but we definitely came away with some quality material:

Drop Your Weapon ............................... NO.

Boing-a-lang-a

Bitch.

A lot of people are sad when it rains.
It rains because you're sad, babe.

And, yes, we had our night of card games and bad movies, shared over a shitload of candy (we usually just get off on the sugar high... but this year we added a new berry brandy kick to the mood). That was hilarious. Sigh...

My cousin Pat got a new pool and deck (we had the awesome family reunion there) and we played one hell of a series of water volleyball. My team (Team Not Suck) vs. my brother's (Team Got Milk?)... you know who won. We kicked ass thanx to my cuz'n Fran's amazing serving skillz.

Went to a party at UCONN on the 4th... played some pong and met some new people. My 17 year old brother and Ian (who is 16) totally beat Tina and I. Humilation does not even begin to describe how that one felt.

I could ramble on forever, but I need to get my stuff unpacked and I need to get back into work-mode. I hate this shit. Mark my words, sometime before I die... I WILL just take a year or two off to actually enjoy my time and family.

ok so i took this test, but knew that i had two answers to most of the questions. here are my two results... fitting i think :)

You are the most universal mythical beast ever. Sightings of the unicorn have been reported from all over the world, even in these modern times. Unicorns are pure and incurruptible. In China, unicorns symbolised gentleness, good will, and wisdom. Christianity links the unicorn with Christ. It is said that unicorns would only allow virgin girls to see them, let alone touch them. They were easily lured into fatal ambushes by a virgin with some potchers waiting for the unicorn in nearby bushes. A unicorn's horn was a highly prised possesion, which was reputed to have great healing capabilities. With the touch of its horn, a unicorn could bring back a person who had been dead for several hours. But when disattached from the unicorn's body, the magic was suggnificantly reduced and could only protect against poison. The unicorn had the body of a horse, a unique spirling horn, and a lion's tail. They were pure white in color. Congradulations, you are a rarity amoung mythical beasts. There aren't enough of people like you in the world.

What mythical beast best represents you? Take the quiz!

Also known widely as the Fire Bird, the phoenix is a profound symbol of the circle of life. It has a life cycle of 500 to 600 ears and after that amount of time, it sets itself on fire and dies in the flames. Then after three days, it rises again from the ashes. It is a completely benign creature who lives in dew. It is said that the phoenix has a beautiful melidous song which grows ever more mournful as its life comes to an end. It is a symbol of the sun and immortality. The phoenix is a very worthwhile beast.

What mythical beast best represents you?Take the quiz!

Ok, I'm trying out this new comments system... see that little link down there on the right called "Shout Outs." Yeah... that's it. So please, comment away!

So I had a really good weekend... and an excellent evening tonight. Went clubbing on friday night (Kinya and I were temporarily stranded in DC and then we ended up at Buzz). Saturday, after Kinya's little mishap with her car, we just chilled and had an awesome time. Had people over for some drinking games that night too. Mad fun sleep-over. Sunday I went home and chilled with Mom and Nonnie... got things in order for Connecticut (lots of laundry). Saw Mr. Deeds too. The butler was really funny and even if it was lame... I love a sappy romantic comedy.

Today work was mad slow, but Gerry treated us for lunch and I did some research on buying a domain name and trying to layout a better webpage... hopefully I'll get to that soon. I am starting by cleaning out my hard drive to make some room for dreamweaver. I burned, no joke, 8 cd's tonight. But Robin came over and we all cooked fajitas for dinner and had strawberry daqs. That amazing dinner was followed up with a really good conversation.

It was about relationships and boys and the like... and man... I hate hearing about people that are close to me having such a problem with their love lives (or lack there of). It makes me sad to think that these wonderful and inspiring girls can't, won't or just don't find a man that they can trust that is good for them. By the end of the night, they were thanking me for my advice and being grateful for my strong will and honesty. I just don't know. I always seem to end up the one that can help people out... but I really don't know why people think my advice is so eye-openning. I guess it just helps to have a third party. And I really like listening... I learn a lot.

But one thing that I have learned is that so many beautiful and intelligent girls just aren't comfortable with themselves... in regards to the opposite sex. It just boggles my mind to think that if they can't figure out who they are and find someone to love and be with them... why the hell do I think things will work out for me??

I mean, I guess I am very comfortable with who I am. I know who I am and am very realistic about things that happen to me... I just try to keep things in perspective. But man, I hate physical appearance and how people judge and use each other in the hormonal games involved in college social life. They just suck. Everyone wants everyone to be honest and upfront with them... but then they turn around and lie and tiptoe around the truth to someone else! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! And it doesn't make sense... you treat people how you want to be treated. You expect yourself to live up to the same ideals you do everyone else... or else you're a formula for interactive disaster.

I just don't get why everyone has all these hang ups! Maybe I just can't see my own...

naw...

I know I see my own... I just keep them in check. They aren't what's at the core and I've gotta keep remembering that.

I think I inspired Kinya to start keeping a journal for herself. That makes me happy. Consider yourself updated.