Today's Comments: #1

I don't know why this had never occurred to me before. The writing we leave for each other, responding to the words we attempt to digest... this is some of the best stuff that our fingertips bestow upon our keyboards. It is about time I kept track of it.

On Solitude...

"That’s the best part about life: it isn’t one state of being. It changes constantly. Sometimes we can be solitary… sometimes we can be surrounded.

In the same light, the hopes and the fears are allowed to co-exist.

Thank god."

In the making...

I haven't visited that sexy bitch in quite a while...

But I'm glad I did tonight.

"i don't make mistakes
my mistakes make me"

I'm sorry... I couldn't hear you.

My brother, Nugs, turned 21 on sunday. I had the pleasure of serving him his first legal beer. We went with a Yuengling... because it's safe. Then I slipped some Captain Morgan in his coke. Heh.

Good Lord, he frustrates me so. Our relationship goes up and down and back and forth but I can't tell if I'm happy that no matter what... I know that we can count on each other when it really counts. I'd kinda like to be able to count on him when it doesn't really count too.

He tells me things that I already know... but somehow seem to perpetually forget. Especially when looking at my own situations. Advice that I have given him, almost verbatim, somehow ends up coming back across the net at me. He's a quick learner like that... little bastard.

Tonight we ate mac and cheese and talked about boys.

"You aren't finding the right ones."
"The right ones don't pay any attention to me."
"I do."
"But I can't date you, Nugs."

I want to tell him that he's wrong and that he doesn't understand. I want to make excuses for these boys who hurt me so. I want to justify my current lack of emotional maturity. I want to explain away how I've let myself become attached to things that are less than what I want.

But he's right. It doesn't matter if they love or care about me, because they don't know how to be the kind of men I deserve. I shouldn't care if they love me. I should care if they can stand up, be fucking men, and treat people how they deserve to be treated... whether they love them or not.

Professor Dumbledore said something very important to me today.

"Very soon we are all going to have to choose.
Between what is easy.
And what is right."

This sort of thing isn't easy. Not only admitting that you made a mistake, but that you made the same mistake twice, and that you feel so comfortable in this mess that part of you doesn't really want to clean it up anyway.

I have this thing about telling the fucking truth... even when it hurts. ESPECIALLY when it hurts. I do it. My man should do it too. How else can we have the open and honest relationship that I am looking for? We can't.

Love is not exactly what I'm looking for anymore. I've found it. I've felt it. I still do... especially at weird points in the day when someone does something that reminds me of someone that did something and my heart explodes in my chest and I can't knock the grin off my face. Yeah. The feelings I have learned to recognize. Cultivate. Cherish.

The words of my ex, Bubba, are ringing in my ears again:

"Feelings will always be there no matter what...
it's what you do with those feelings that counts"

Actions are louder than words and right now I feel like I'm the only one making any noise. But I guess that's okay... because I kinda like my voice AND songs that I sing. I'm determined to be a class act... even if it's always a solo.

Better Late Than Never...

Fuzzy: i got watery eyed the first time i heard you sing at O's.
Starz: yer gonna make me cry
Fuzzy: no, you made ME cry.
Fuzzy: i dont why i never told you that before. but i was sitting there on the side of the stage. within fifteen seconds, i was looking at everything underwater. i think that means it was good.
Starz: :-)
Starz: thanx doode
Fuzzy: you are welcome.

I Want to Thank You For Not Being Afraid:

This fear that he has. It makes me so aware and thankful for myself. For being me. For not haboring it at all anymore. I used to be afraid of everything. I still am, really.

The fear is always there.

Of failure.
Rejection.
Disappointment.

But somehow... I have managed to take all of that, accepting and welcoming the uncertainty into my arms... and it just makes me fly. I want to experience all of what is real and true and supposed to be coming my way. I don't ever want to hide from how I feel now. All of this fear that used to stop me in my tracks really does drive me to be honest and to go for what I want.

And god lord, do I want him.

There is no game to win here for me. Competition, comparison or even bragging rights doesn't play the slightest part in my heart anymore.

I just know that he compliments me. I know that I can't get enough of him. I know that revel in all of the drama and what not because, it's so real. He is so real.

The most genuine and powerful feelings I have ever had in my entire life. And I'll be damned if I don't get to share them with him.

You don't have to get out of my way. I won't push you. I'll just go around you.

Whether I get him at all, in the end or the beginning or even just a part of the middle... I know I'll be okay because I am finally so excited and so ready. So ready to ride this rollercoaster. Even if I don't have anyone sitting next to me on it.

Fecal Matters.

On 3 hours of sleep, I made $30 today during my entire 6 hour shift. And yeah. It gets worse. I was constipated the whole time. There was shit all over me, yet none of it was coming OUT of me.

I'm guessing the lack of action was because of the rain, but word may have gotten around that I was experiencing digestional difficulties, causing a city-wide panic that at any moment I would blow, maybe even all over their chicken friend chicken (that was the $7.99 special today). But at least it was a quick crowd. If you can call 6 tables a crowd, and split between two people that's just not enough business to make it worth our while.

Well... it wouldn't be if the servers weren't myself and my musical cohort. From around 1:30pm until my shift ended at 4pm, we rocked out in the dining room. Something happened.

One of the songs that we had just started messing around with... it just all of a sudden clicked. I closed my eyes and belted out the lyrics like I've never done before. More powerful than even when I sang along in the car. It just fit together... her guitar and my voice.

I don't even know how to explain it. Well, yeah I do. It felt like I had taken the massive shit that was awaiting me, simultaneously experiencing the most intense orgasm imaginable.

Lately things like this have been happening every day, but tonight I can almost feel the energy going back down, even dipping below the normal levels of my semi-charmed existence.

Pardon me, but the porcelain goddess awaits my arrival. I have quite the gift to give her.

The End Of An Era

Where have you been?
I've been waiting so long to hear from you.
And all the things that we said we would do
Remains to be plans of the past.

We've been, we've been too quiet for too long.
Where is, where is the hope we once had?
It's too late to be saved by your charm,
We'll never get this right.

Your words are cold, and the season is too,
The comfort in your voice is gone.
Don't keep in touch, I'm better off all alone
You've lost everything that I've loved.

So is it worth this time?
Am I done in your mind?
Will I regret once you're gone?
Why did I ever think that we would, we would be good?

We've been, we've been too quiet for too long.
Where is, where is the hope we once had?
It's too late to be saved by your charm,
We'll never get this right.

Well alright, I'm sorry I even tried.
I was a fool to have hope in you, in you.

Tennis Court Soundtrack
by Daphne Loves Derby


It was fun... but not really. And I look forward to not missing you. I love you, fuzziface. Thank you for every misguided second of it.

4...

The male lead is a bit more of an issue for me in this whole writing process thing. There are quite a few ways I can go with this:

1. The man is everything I think I am looking for in a romantic counterpart but through some tragic circumstance we are kept from being together.

2. The man is everything I think I am looking for in a romantic counterpart but through some tragic circumstance I realize that there is more to love and relationships than a shopping cart list of qualities I think would make me happy.

3. The man is everything I think I am looking for in a romantic counterpart but through some tragic circumstance I end up being less than everything HE is looking for in a romantic counterpart and he doesn’t want to be with me.

4. The man is less than everything I am looking for in a romantic counterpart but I feel so sorry and attached to his potential that I keep trying to fix him and help him realize his true self worth and then when it doesn’t work I eventually get bored and go on searching for someone who is already what I am looking for.

5. The man is less than everything I am looking for in a romantic counterpart but I feel so sorry and attached to his potential that I keep trying to fix him and help him realize his true self worth and then when he finally does, he realized that I am less than everything he is looking for in a romantic counterpart and doesn’t want to be with me.

6. The man is less than everything I am looking for in a romantic counterpart but I am afraid of being alone so I try to fool myself and through tragic circumstances am perpetually hurt, left restless and eventually get smart enough to realize that I would rather be alone than settle for a relationship that only sometimes leaves me satisfied.

... you get the idea.

3...

* In a last-minute attempt to maybe get you all to shut the doors, lock up and leave... because, like I said, this whole thing is a waste of your time... I'll describe the female character first.

Ahem.

The female character is... me. It's doesn't take much of a brain to figure that one out. All of us writers are very self-centered, and are very aware of our own little slice of the universe. We think that it is always about us. And well... it is.

This is not necessarily a bad thing, no matter how many parents or teachers or people in your life may scold you for thinking primarily of your own needs. But that is an argument for another day.

The problem with casting myself in a lead role is that the character was not designed in the hopes of creating a blockbuster movie. NO fancy actress has been hired to play "her" (however, if Kate Winslet and Clare Daines are still alive and available when and if this gets published and made into a Lifetime, made for TV movie, please give them a call).

Just consider this:
You're sitting here, reading a chick book, by definition, because I am a chick and this is a story about me. And well... I'm not frighteningly hot and I don't even end up with the guy anyway.

If I was slick, urban and pulp fiction savvy, I could have woven some surprise revealing of myself as not only the narrator, but the female involved... but that takes way too much effort on my part. So there, you don't have plot progression to get excited about either.

This would so be a crappy date movie. If any males out there actually decide to take their girlfriend out to see this, I feel sorry for them. Especially since she'll be laughing in your general direction by the end of it and probably won't ever want to see you again. So like I said before... this is not only a waste, but an unproductive use of your time.

2...

So. You're still here, I see. I mean, you turned the page. I don't know where exactly your particular "here" is, but I know that my words are there with you. So I guess, to correct myself in a rather long-winded fashion... I am still here. And now, it's your own damn fault- you cannot get mad at me. I TOLD you. And despite that, you have chosen to waste your own time with this story.

Unless, of course, you aren't looking for something extraordinary...

If that is the case, you have come to the right place. Although, I will remain skeptical because most of us are... looking for something extraordinary, that is.

A friend of mine once told me that "anything less than extraordinary wasn't worth his time." But I betcha that smart ass is still reading too. It just goes to show you... even when you try to warn people- when you just lay it all out on the table. They STILL manage to stay around and fuck it all up.

Getting back to our story... that's exactly what our two main characters did. They stayed around. And they fucked it all up.

1...

There is nothing extraordinary about this story. Nothing new. Nothing that you haven't heard before. There's always a guy. And a girl. And in the end... they either end up together... or they don't.

In most of our tales, they usually do. But in this one.... in this one they don't. And just remember that I told you that, okay? Now- in the beginning. I have taken away all question, here. All mystery. Any ground to have high hopes built upon or notions to be optimistic about have been removed. All of that idealistic, romantical crap is gone.

You KNOW that they don't end up together.