Thursday, January 31, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Push. Pull. Break. Repeat.
It's strange when you realize that despite every reason in the world to be a smarter, more guarded, a little bit jaded, bitter, self-preserving bitch... you are still the same old idealistic, naive idiot -- ready and willing to be taken for granted and hurt all over again.
I just can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to escape this internal hope. This prayer and possibility that maybe... just maybe this time... people will treat me the way I treat them. The way I deserve to be treated.
But it doesn't happen. It Never. Fucking. Happens.
And I am left with only one conclusion: I am doomed to be forever damaged, lonely, yet dementedly, self-destructively positive that the next time will be different.
The problem is that on one hand, I hate myself for being this way... but deep down I sort of believe that it's what makes me so damn awesome. A classically suited, double-edged sword. My tragic flaw. Good Lord, do I fancy myself a hero.
... (and a poet).
I just can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to escape this internal hope. This prayer and possibility that maybe... just maybe this time... people will treat me the way I treat them. The way I deserve to be treated.
But it doesn't happen. It Never. Fucking. Happens.
And I am left with only one conclusion: I am doomed to be forever damaged, lonely, yet dementedly, self-destructively positive that the next time will be different.
The problem is that on one hand, I hate myself for being this way... but deep down I sort of believe that it's what makes me so damn awesome. A classically suited, double-edged sword. My tragic flaw. Good Lord, do I fancy myself a hero.
... (and a poet).
i flirt with failure
harboring only one true intention:
to drive the procrastination
out of my fingers.
rock bottom, he said
he was so desperate to hit it
but his aim was off
either that
... or i was in his way.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Welcome Back to the Emo-Fest.
Part of cutting yourself off socially is that you forget how mean people can be.
The lying, gossiping, two-faced nature of it all.
I think I had also forgotten that my big mouth is probably my greatest flaw and asset all at the same time. In the past month, I have been called "scary" and "too real."
The lying, gossiping, two-faced nature of it all.
I think I had also forgotten that my big mouth is probably my greatest flaw and asset all at the same time. In the past month, I have been called "scary" and "too real."
Laura: i just don't get it
me: i do
Laura:how can people do things like this to each other?
me: they put their needs above everyone else's
just imagine...
if you could fight your programming to care about others and doing the right thing
and just worry about yourself and instant gratification
only have to cater to your own fears and insecurities
just operate in that little box
and shut anyone out that challenges you
god. it would be so...
it would be so...
fucking. boring.
Laura: i guess thats the problem...i CAN'T imagine that
Monday, January 07, 2008
2007 Reflections
January found me substitute teaching, working with Show Choir, Rock N Soul, Winterguard @ PB, AND Spring Guard @ QO -- and yet, I was job searching like a maniac. I stumbled upon a fabulous mentor, revamped my resume and set out to change the world (or at least mine). I began with cutting off one of my best friends.
In February I got another job: Freelancing for Montgomery Village News. It didn't make me much money, but it did make me a published reporter. I also started training with the Reading Buccaneers Drum and Bugle Corps.
Things took a turn for the worst in March, when I found myself a new dentist... and $3,000 worth of work that needed to be done. Officially, I was back in debt. This lead to me dropping the hopes of marching with the Buccs, and the downward spiral slowly began.
You would think that being offered the position of Colorguard Coordinator for the WVU Marching Band in April would have been a good thing, but it was really my dream job with nightmare conditions (read: not enough money to survive on). I still wonder what my life would be like if I had taken the job anyway. I was however, able to take on the day to day managing of my then-favorite writing exercise oneword, and I did go to NYC with the QO choral department... but I remember feeling very lost and unhappy deep down.
I started yet another job in May, working at my mother's office. It was one of the worst decisions I have ever made. I was having problems with everything from my relationships to my living situation to my jobs to my creative block, and my unhappiness started showing itself in fits of crying and fighting with Dave, my friends and my family.
In June I tried to rekindle the friendship I cut off in January, but it was hard. I got hurt with all of the sneaking around and lying. I felt powerless -- I wasn't happy with how things were, but was too desperate for the friendship to cut it off again. The whole month was like a blur... I retreated further into my relationship, and hid my unhappiness in working out at the gym and dance classes.
I saw the fireworks on the Mall for the first time on July fourth. I also got offered a job as the Office Manager of the District of Columbia Arts Center. But again, I couldn't take it -- this time because of scheduling conflicts with colorguard. Dave found a house in DC, and thus began the real decline in our relationship.
Connecticut was my escape from everything in August. But it all came crashing down -- quite literally -- when I came home and almost blacked out at the Virgin Fest. Band camp didn't wait for me to recover, or to reconnect with Dave.
September was full of colorguard, Show Choir, working at my mom's office, substitute teaching, writing for MVF and trying to hold onto Dave. I was interviewing again for a better job, but this time didn't get it (working for a journalism center on UMD's campus).
In October, my car died. I was in debt, had no car, my lease was up and I started working as an intern for Brijit, an awesome gig, but STILL not enough money to get by on. With the office being in Dupont Circle, I thought being so close to Dave would have made things easier on us, but the truth is, we just weren't getting along like we used to. Halloween may have been one of the worst holidays of my life... and I should have seen it coming.
November, it is safe to say, crushed my soul. It brought the end of my relationship with Dave, and the death of my Uncle Rich. I have never experienced so much loss in such a short period of time (including my weight).
But I truly bounced back in December (much like my flagpole bounced off my face!), as shown in the holiday posts below. I think most of that was because of the support of my family, and more importantly, one of my new best friends, Laura. I celebrated the most successful colorguard season of my career, established a new winterguard program, auditioned for a band, got to play a couple gigs, found a niche hanging out with my brother and his friends, started writing again, had the best Christmas of my adult life, partied at a friend's wedding and rang in the new year in ol' Deep Conversation Club fashion.
Looking at all of that, knowing that so many other little things were omitted... I am completely dumbfounded at how much can happen in a year. I am also very proud of myself that I have finally become strong enough to walk away from situations that are hurting me. But it's not enough.
What's on tap for 2008? You might want to sit down for this!
After the winterguard season is over, I am getting a car, packin' my bags, and heading to Connecticut. I plan on mooching off the goodwill of my cousins for a month or so, study for the GRE's, and research grad programs in Boston for marriage and family therapy.
Upon my return home, I will be preparing for my biggest marching band season ever -- not only will I be colorguarding, but I might even be writing drill for the entire band. No pressure or anything. Whilst all that is going on, I have to take the GRE's and apply to the grad schools mentioned earlier... in hopes of admittance for the fall of 2009.
Crossroads, anyone? All I can say is that it's about. damn. time.
In February I got another job: Freelancing for Montgomery Village News. It didn't make me much money, but it did make me a published reporter. I also started training with the Reading Buccaneers Drum and Bugle Corps.
Things took a turn for the worst in March, when I found myself a new dentist... and $3,000 worth of work that needed to be done. Officially, I was back in debt. This lead to me dropping the hopes of marching with the Buccs, and the downward spiral slowly began.
You would think that being offered the position of Colorguard Coordinator for the WVU Marching Band in April would have been a good thing, but it was really my dream job with nightmare conditions (read: not enough money to survive on). I still wonder what my life would be like if I had taken the job anyway. I was however, able to take on the day to day managing of my then-favorite writing exercise oneword, and I did go to NYC with the QO choral department... but I remember feeling very lost and unhappy deep down.
I started yet another job in May, working at my mother's office. It was one of the worst decisions I have ever made. I was having problems with everything from my relationships to my living situation to my jobs to my creative block, and my unhappiness started showing itself in fits of crying and fighting with Dave, my friends and my family.
In June I tried to rekindle the friendship I cut off in January, but it was hard. I got hurt with all of the sneaking around and lying. I felt powerless -- I wasn't happy with how things were, but was too desperate for the friendship to cut it off again. The whole month was like a blur... I retreated further into my relationship, and hid my unhappiness in working out at the gym and dance classes.
I saw the fireworks on the Mall for the first time on July fourth. I also got offered a job as the Office Manager of the District of Columbia Arts Center. But again, I couldn't take it -- this time because of scheduling conflicts with colorguard. Dave found a house in DC, and thus began the real decline in our relationship.
Connecticut was my escape from everything in August. But it all came crashing down -- quite literally -- when I came home and almost blacked out at the Virgin Fest. Band camp didn't wait for me to recover, or to reconnect with Dave.
September was full of colorguard, Show Choir, working at my mom's office, substitute teaching, writing for MVF and trying to hold onto Dave. I was interviewing again for a better job, but this time didn't get it (working for a journalism center on UMD's campus).
In October, my car died. I was in debt, had no car, my lease was up and I started working as an intern for Brijit, an awesome gig, but STILL not enough money to get by on. With the office being in Dupont Circle, I thought being so close to Dave would have made things easier on us, but the truth is, we just weren't getting along like we used to. Halloween may have been one of the worst holidays of my life... and I should have seen it coming.
November, it is safe to say, crushed my soul. It brought the end of my relationship with Dave, and the death of my Uncle Rich. I have never experienced so much loss in such a short period of time (including my weight).
But I truly bounced back in December (much like my flagpole bounced off my face!), as shown in the holiday posts below. I think most of that was because of the support of my family, and more importantly, one of my new best friends, Laura. I celebrated the most successful colorguard season of my career, established a new winterguard program, auditioned for a band, got to play a couple gigs, found a niche hanging out with my brother and his friends, started writing again, had the best Christmas of my adult life, partied at a friend's wedding and rang in the new year in ol' Deep Conversation Club fashion.
Looking at all of that, knowing that so many other little things were omitted... I am completely dumbfounded at how much can happen in a year. I am also very proud of myself that I have finally become strong enough to walk away from situations that are hurting me. But it's not enough.
What's on tap for 2008? You might want to sit down for this!
After the winterguard season is over, I am getting a car, packin' my bags, and heading to Connecticut. I plan on mooching off the goodwill of my cousins for a month or so, study for the GRE's, and research grad programs in Boston for marriage and family therapy.
Upon my return home, I will be preparing for my biggest marching band season ever -- not only will I be colorguarding, but I might even be writing drill for the entire band. No pressure or anything. Whilst all that is going on, I have to take the GRE's and apply to the grad schools mentioned earlier... in hopes of admittance for the fall of 2009.
Crossroads, anyone? All I can say is that it's about. damn. time.
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