Uh huh.

I knew it was gone. I fuckin' knew I couldn't have things go right for this long...
Welcum home... Bitchy, Negative Liz IS BACK.

DON'T TOUCH ME. I'll kill you.

I'm still having issues with brain farts. I think I just got a little blogger-pressed for a while there. I actually thought I had something interesting to say. Funny thing.

I think it's that time of the month- I almost cried over what we were having for dinner tonight. Yeah. Because Crispy Beef really just gets to me, you know?

So I hosted Open Mic Night. It was cool. I wasn't that great, but I think my off-stage personality is what helped me win everyone over. So what if I'm not cut out for being someone who introduces the performers... this just helps prove that I should be a performer... sure.

My dad and I aren't doing good. He just left. I'm crying again. I don't know if it has something to do with Dawson's Dad dying, or Ben not forgiving Felicity, or the Beef thing again... but I'm just really scared that my momentary state of happiness and motivation is going to be leaving soon. This sense that it'll be the last time I'll hear my dad slam the front door... because if you don't, it won't close all the way. I get into these moods when I'm at home. I'm a total bitch to my mom, brother and dad. I dunno, this sense of bitter resentment... I'm taking it out on them... it's not their fault I had to move back in... I should be considerate of them. When it turns out I'm better at being considerate to someone I should be resentful towards. What the hell is my problem?

You know how good it feels when you let your tears fall down your face... and your cheeks get cool and wet... I wish that I could get that feeling without the crying.

Sorry I'm not blogging a lot. I just feel stupid. My brain keeps farting... but I refuse to write it down.

Wacktacular.
My new word. HA! I love it.

Anyways, that is how I feel right now. Say it out loud... you know you want to... WACKtacular. Totally sarcastic... but totally sincere all at the same time. hahahahaa

God, I kill myself.

Hang out with people you miss.

It makes you feel amazing.

Saturday was probably one of the longest days of my life. But it was wonderful. Spent the whole day in DC and Georgetown... and then back to G'burg for one of the best mornings of my life. I mean, technically, it was morning. hehe.

I got to feel, if only for a millisecond, what it was like to be a DJ. That's just cool. Sigh. This could open up a whole new dimension to my make-believe band. Having one of my most favorite boyz on the planet mixing MY vocals. Add that to Liz's List of Amazingly Out Of Reach Goals.

NO. No bitter sarcasm... it could happen.

Meanwhile, I've got a whole lot more missing to do until next weekend. I'm sure it will be just as mind-blowing as this one was. Tee Hee.

I just don't know.


Edit: I think this was in response to the movie The Bitter Club saw for MariB's burfday. Check out T's response to it... mine is a little different, though.

I thought the movie was aimed at being vulgar, crappy comedy... but it just hit home with us not-size-six-babyz. The movie was supposed to involve EXTREMELY overweight and shallow people, but Rosemary was too dead-on with some of the issues even attractively plump women have to deal with. For the first time in my life, I cried at a movie and I am ashamed to admit it. I let that piece of shit movie make me feel like an insecure 7th grader who is struggling to deal with puberty again. That pisses me off.

Whatever. I just wonder how it hit other people who can't really relate. I bet they thought it was hilarious. Disgusting.

I knew we should have seen monster's inc.
Yeah... I am bitter.

I'm going to start blogging my lyrics and stories. Keep hitting this and The Bitter Club up for updates... I think I'm going to create a purely fictional blog. Yeah... SOon... I promise... there will be tons... I'm never going to stop.


Edit: Yup, Yup! I made one!! http://dreamingstarz.blogspot.com

Well done. Beautiful. He is like walking, talking inspiration. I see what I want from him now. His ability to evoke so many emotions in me at the same time... the way he enhances everything about my perceptions... he is my marijuana. If I can steal a couple hours with him every month or so... that will be perfection for me. Maybe I can give him a little help and advice along the way as well. It would be nice to be a real friend to him.
Anyway. That chapter in my could-be prince charmings is coming to an elegant end. I got to enjoy his shoulders. And his lips. I'm thankful for that. And although it wasn't what I had dreamt it up to be- honestly- I'm glad it wasn't. I'm glad he is not the epitome of what I want right now.

What do you do when you can't respect someone... how they act... how they treat people... what they do... their absence of integrity and honor...
But you just revel in their company?

That's easy. You hang out with them until they piss you off so much that you have to push them away. And when you push them away, you will be left with a great surge of strength... and a new appreciation for yourself.

But maybe you won't even have to push them away... maybe they will just slowly fall off the pedestal you placed them upon and you will see them for the imperfect people that they are. And love them for that. And accordingly... move on.

I went to Java Head with my dawgz from orientation and the best human on the planet this evening. It was open mic night for music.
Man. I've gotta start making that a regular part of my schedule.
That is my goal... by the end of this year... to sing some of my stuff in there.
I haven't touched my guitar since I moved back home (2 months)... but my voice class is going very well. My creative juices seem to be flowing again with my writing as well. And I'm obsessed with this website crap now too. I need to get back into the game.
I just loved being there... in a crappy cafe witha bunch of other dreamers who were sharing their dreams.
Well, I wanna share my dreams too, damnit.
And some of the guys that performed were just horrible- but I was in total awe of them because they got up there and put all their insecurities in their pockets just so they could tell their stories. That takes big balls. They risk the possibility of being laughed at, mocked, criticized and shafted. They do it.
Totally amazing.

If you see me... remind me that I HAVE to do this, and soon.
If you play guitar or another instrument and would be interested in working with some lyrics and a timid singer... call me.
Arg! It's times like this that I wish Don was still here. He was the only person I actually got up enough courage to sing for. I want to work with him so bad. He is an amazing musician, person and inspiration. If I thought I had a shot, I'd drive over to Pheonix and force him to record with me right now. Goodness... if I could spend the rest of my life doing whatever I wanted... I would sing. Write it... and then sing it.

I WILL DO THIS.

It's just too strong... too powerful. This drive is just too important for me to let my insecurities and fear keep me from accomplishing my dreams.

Please excuse the following spurt of negativity:
There has been this reoccuring pattern in my life. The more I try to be nice and care about people... the more I end up hurting them. It seems like my intentions always backfire. I end up hurting the people I'm trying to protect. Well... they end up hurting me. And I always find fault within myself. Yeah. So I'd stay away from me... before I try to care about you too. Cause it'll just be bad for the both of us. Maybe I need to rethink my career goals.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled Blog 'O Fun.

Friday was such a good day. No english class... and a Playmate centrefold and a Stripper spoke in my SOCY class. You sweat me, I know.
But wait, it gets better! DP Dough, My Best Friend's Wedding, Horny Kermit, and South of the Border. That party was so fly the cops even came. No citations necessary, thank you.

Leftover punch from the party is still sitting in a tuperware container in my trunk. That's when you know you did good.

Random moments of illumination. The kind of clarity rarely had by non-pot-smokers. I've got that right now. This weekend has been simply amazing. Not good amazing... just simply mind-blowing and eye-opening. I will blog about it eventually. But right now... I need to pump out a paper on the causes of adolescent sexual immaturity. Something, thank god... I am blessed not to have a problem with. Despite my experiences... I think I finally have a firm grasp on my own sexuality- ha! I know! Amazing! I love it. I feel so beautiful right now. Everyone and everything can be so beautiful. Especially conflict, pain, and struggle.

Try noticing that. Try appreciating that. Woo.