you want mint for your pillow?

housekeeping!!

for the site. and eventually... for my life.

we'll start with the easy stuff, ok? some of you might have noticed the new link following our beloved shout outs. hehe. it's a new! comment system. designed especially for yours truly, by our dear codifying master. he even named the thing "werdz." i mean, how perfect? ::wipes up drool from desk::

for my burfday, my mother hooked me up with a flat screen monitor. desk space problem SOLVED! now i just hafta ::cough:: clean up my work space and get a more comfortable chair. so, i am saying this so you all will stay on my ass about it, expect a lot more content from me.

i recently asked boobie boy to remove me from fubie foo's link list. i know that most of us out there in blog land feed off of high hit numbers, but to be honest, it was draining me out. a bunch of lurker fucks just crossing their fingers for some skin pix or underwear discussion, never really being interested in what i write... that kind of audience doesn't appeal to me. so i'm happy knowing most of the IP's i see and realizing that only my dearest friends are the ones SLACKING LIKE NO OTHER with the feedback.

not that i'm bitter or anything.

like i mentioned earlier, yer mom is in her last week of operation... and i am also in the process of removing any other dead weight from the site. that includes all dead or broken links, as well as links to pages that haven't been updated in a while. expect new subpages with updated material. i'm also beginning to link things i actually (gasp!) use and enjoy on an at least weekly basis. especially for you young writing folk, hopefully i'll become a bit more of a resource for you all.

so that's about all i can think of in regards to internet logistics.

crack knuckles. stretch out arms. crack neck. fart. stretch back. pick wedgie. sit up straight.

here we go... (will be added later).

the end of an era.

thought i'd let you all know...

i'm killing yer mom in one week.

enjoy it while it lasts.

i haven't been around rain in a while. almost three weeks. i just heard the thunder outside my window and felt the cool rush of wind as the water started to fall. i am filled with a sense of relief that we did not end up going to DC today. but i am also filled with a sense of foreboding... that this will not be a good next couple of days.

the karma has already started.

so as i trudge along, face first into this spell of storm
i can only hope to keep centered
take it all in
and enjoy it as much as possible.

important moments have massive consequences.
blink a couple times. clear your vision.
the moments are over...

and now you've gotta face the aftermath.

this is supposed to be where i say i am sorry.

but i'm not going to. fuck that. fuck you.

i care way too much. always have. about other people. how they feel. and how they feel about me.

and that has always gotten me into trouble. always gotten me to a point where i can't be the perfect person they thought i would always be... and so i make a mistake.

maybe mistake isn't really the right word. i make a decision they don't like. i do something that doesn't suit them. i betray and wrong them in such ways they never thought possible from someone like me. or they chalk it up to "just figures" that they would get shitted on by me because that's how everything in their life seems to go. they tell themselves that they should have known that i wasn't the sparkling diamond that i had seemed to be.

well here's a little news flash. i am a diamond. i am rare. i am unique. i fucking sparkle. i can be smooth and slick and touch you in ways you never knew.

but like any diamond... i am flawed.

and my biggest flaw is that as much as i try to live for myself... i always end up acting for someone besides myself. and just when i get the balls to start doing things for ME instead of THEM (heaven forbid)... they call me on it and make me feel like shit.

tragic, i know.

and then there are those that say because i am aware of this fact... because i have the knowledge of how i am screwing myself over and letting other people's struggles take precedence over trying to fight my own... that i cannot use it as an excuse.

well fuck you all too. i'm not excusing my behavior. i'm just doing the best i can.

and continuing with the whole diamond that i am thing... i'm made of the strongest stuff you've ever seen. so i'm going to get through it.

with.

or without you.

so here's where you take a lesson from Dr. Liz. try to look at the situation from my end of it. have a little care and compassion for me. suck it up. realize that i am only 22 years old and that i DON'T have it all figured out. if you feel like i am that important to you and your life then drop this petty bullshit and just be my friend.

friends are those who let you be yourself... and enjoy the self that you get to be. it is time for me to be honest with myself and realize that i'm not going to enjoy all the selves out there... and i'm certainly not going to fall in love with all of them either. and neither will you all.

and that's ok. we aren't supposed to, i don't think. the trick is... you've gotta know when to fold them. if you figure out they aren't the sort of diamond you want on your jewelry...

get an amethyst.

as much as i enjoy living out of my car...

i miss my room.

oh snap!

i'm awake on time AND i'm full of energy.

thanx to my full 6 hours of sleep, my sunburn has turned a lovely shade of orangie brown, my body is not half as sore as it was yesterday, and i'm feelin' frisky.

all i've gotta do now is pack up my beach bum clothes and get to steppin.

remember to drink a red-headed slut for me tomorrow night.... i'll see you all on saturday.

family burfday dinner

it is tradition that my family goes out to dinner to celebrate anyone within the immediate 4's date of burf. it is not tradition, however, for my father to be completely off his rocker.

the man pretended to play drums with two pencils on the table. he threw food, made fun of our waiter, made faces, danced in his chair, scratched himself in inappropriate places, sang the burfday song to me all by his lonesome, and giggled more than a teenage girl in front of her crush.

i don't care if you all hate on freud... i want to marry a man just like my daddie.

long overdue.

i mix up my words when my brain is moving too fast for my mouth to keep up. i stutter when i stop to think about my words too much. i say things i shouldn't when i'm feeling daring. i hold my tongue when i am feeling uptight.

i am tired of answering my phone. i am tired of checking my messages. i am tired of apologizing for not being around. i am bored with the internet. i am bored with your lack of caring. i am pissed off at people who think it's all about them.

i am in love with an activity called colorguard. i am in like with a boy named boneyhips. i turn 22 on friday. i am camping down on the beach for the weekend.

i am still unemployed. i am still disenchanted.


and i'm back.

I think that the best thing about band camp is the collection of tan lines. I mean, my ankle socks make it so that my whitish-blue feet look diseased, my tank top line and then my t-shirt line make me look like a reject who is so stupid that I can’t even get a farmer tan right, and my necklace serves as a nice white line of separation from my freckled shoulders to my cherry-red face. I’m a cornucopia of skin tones.

I’m gonna look real good come this thursday when I show off my shorts tan on the beach.

i'm back. just not fully operational yet.

your patience is greatly appreciated.

"those 'this one time at band camp' stories just take on a whole new meaning after this, don't they?"

my body. is in. so much pain. and i still have 6 hours to go. and THEN i get to haul ass down to salisbury.

tis going to be a long day.

i don't want to complain about it though, because it is self-inflicted pain. i adore this time of the year. especially since this time i am doing things of my own accord and don't have any official responsibility. it's like community service. very liberating.

and some of the muscles that are aching... well lets just say it's a nice reminder that they still exist.

my trip to CT was just as i knew it would be. way too short. i'll blog about my travels in detail when i return home on tuesday though, because i only have an hour to get my stuff together and out the door.

as a sort of after thought... i'm feeling very surreal with everyone talking about and getting ready to go back to school. i mean... this is really the first time in forever that i am not going. and i'm bent up about it. i adore buying school supplies and look forward to my classes every single semester. school is a gateway to growth, new experiences and new people. i feel like i am being denied my whole world.

time to put on my game face and try to find a new world to explore, i guess. i just hope it's as pretty as the last one.

travel-sized blogging

so tomorrow morning i am leaving to visit my family (exhibit a: my cuz tina and i in the photo of the moment box) up in connecticut.

the few days i get to spend up there a year make up the one and only true vacation i have ever really known. i mean, we always went down to OC for a week... but it was always weird with dad and all... so CT was literally an escape from everything.

it'll be my brother and i paired off, as always, with our cousins tina and ian. these two. words cannot even explain. we'll spend the week wasting time. swimming in pat's pool, watching movies that we've watched thousands of times before, playing cards and eating waaay too much candy, complaining that there is never anything to do, and then turning around to wonder where the week went when it's time to say goodbye.

it's just one of those things... those bonds with people that you just can't describe... those experiences that can't be paralleled. i think it's something about the summer heat and that new england smell.

no- not jersey stench. please.

anyway, i probably won't blog until wed night... if there is time after my flight home and a quick dash out for my karaoke fix. then i'll have two jam-packed days of guard goodness and hopefully leave on friday afternoon for salisbury to visit joenell and adam.

i seriously cannot wait for tomorrow morning to get here. maybe i should get back to packing before it does.

the horror. the pain. the misfortune.

bathing suit shopping.


JCz Addiction: hey lady
AmngStarz: yo
JCz Addiction: what's up
AmngStarz: about to buy myself a new bathing suit
JCz Addiction: fun
JCz Addiction: i don't know about those things
AmngStarz: not fun.
AmngStarz: horrid
JCz Addiction: shudder
AmngStarz: mmn hmmn
AmngStarz: but im off

SuspectRed: hello butthead.
SuspectRed: :-D
AmngStarz: hiya
AmngStarz: :-P
SuspectRed: sup
AmngStarz: about to go buy a new bathing suit
SuspectRed: oooooo
SuspectRed: sensuality.
AmngStarz: more like gaguality
SuspectRed: yeah
AmngStarz: i hate doing this
AmngStarz: but
AmngStarz: ill live
SuspectRed: yes
SuspectRed: you will
SuspectRed: i promise
AmngStarz: yay


.................................................................................................................

AmngStarz: wow
AmngStarz: virtually painless
JCz Addiction: what?
JCz Addiction: 2 piece?
AmngStarz: if you really can call it that
AmngStarz: it only shows about 2 inches of the mid drift
JCz Addiction: tankini!
AmngStarz: but wait
AmngStarz: theres more
AmngStarz: i got TWO different bottoms
JCz Addiction: oh snap
AmngStarz: all i hafta say is watch out world, my cellulite looks damn goooood
JCz Addiction: haha
AmngStarz: sometimes the world surprises me.
JCz Addiction: the universe doesn't hate us all the time
AmngStarz: amen.