if you have some time, take a gander at the bitter club in our first attempt to try and help rid the world of overwhelming reasons to be bitter.
because i am not exactly in a position where i can contribute to this fund as much as i would like to, the next best thing i can do is spread the word to people who can.
thanx y'all and either way... prayers, thoughts, affirmations, meditations and any other positive vibes sent in the direction of the people in south asia are also mad appreciated.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
how to deal
oh...
it's all just so...
romantic
even though...
it's not like how...
i planned it
i hate to admit this. but the pain of this last month has been so comfortable. part of me is tempted to go back and read posts from previous years... from the times when i was living at home. when i was single. when close members of my family were having health problems. i know i'd find the same me there that is sitting here right now.
it is so easy to fall back into my old habits. i see it as i spend time with old friends and old flames. i sense it deep inside of me. that urge to go back to touching anyone i have ever felt anything for in the dark whenever our schedules happen to lead us to the same place at the same time. the urge to stay up late with paper and glue cutting and pasting thoughts of you. the urge to type away at this screen and to click away at profiles and websites of anyone that i might be able to connect with. the urge to spend the daylight hours snuggled in bed and lost in a book by a writer far more brave than i.
that same self-righteous longing i have to be able to share this beautiful mess that is inside of me. with no one around but my mother who doesn't know how to understand and my brother who'd rather not.
i understand that our hurt is still very fresh and piercing. i know that i made the right decision and these feelings of second thoughts will be fleeting. but none of this makes it any easier. all the self help books and inspirational quotes in the world can't change that i miss you and us and what it was like not to be like this.
it truly does feel like i am home. and that scares the shit out of me. because i thought i busted out of this box a long fucking time ago.
"i AM myself... and that is NOT enough." ~ Sylvia Plath
it's all just so...
romantic
even though...
it's not like how...
i planned it
i hate to admit this. but the pain of this last month has been so comfortable. part of me is tempted to go back and read posts from previous years... from the times when i was living at home. when i was single. when close members of my family were having health problems. i know i'd find the same me there that is sitting here right now.
it is so easy to fall back into my old habits. i see it as i spend time with old friends and old flames. i sense it deep inside of me. that urge to go back to touching anyone i have ever felt anything for in the dark whenever our schedules happen to lead us to the same place at the same time. the urge to stay up late with paper and glue cutting and pasting thoughts of you. the urge to type away at this screen and to click away at profiles and websites of anyone that i might be able to connect with. the urge to spend the daylight hours snuggled in bed and lost in a book by a writer far more brave than i.
that same self-righteous longing i have to be able to share this beautiful mess that is inside of me. with no one around but my mother who doesn't know how to understand and my brother who'd rather not.
i understand that our hurt is still very fresh and piercing. i know that i made the right decision and these feelings of second thoughts will be fleeting. but none of this makes it any easier. all the self help books and inspirational quotes in the world can't change that i miss you and us and what it was like not to be like this.
it truly does feel like i am home. and that scares the shit out of me. because i thought i busted out of this box a long fucking time ago.
"i AM myself... and that is NOT enough." ~ Sylvia Plath
Sunday, December 26, 2004
keep it.
there was clearly no need for me to get out of my pajamas today- let alone put on a bra.
the day after christmas is classically known as "play with the new shit you got" day. so in honor of this sacred tradition, i watched 4 movies and read 100 pages of Chuck Palahniuk's Diary. i also half-assidly cleaned up the basement and tried to hook up my bastard of a computer to our new router, but to no avail.
in following with another holiday time tradition, i am also wallowing in self-pity. this xmas was just cloudy. that's the best word i can come up with. no magic, really. no passion. dad was sick and infected me... so now i'm phlegmming all over the place. i can't get excited over presents that i picked out and wrapped myself. no kitty to sit in my lap and play with my ribbons. 3 hours at the nursing home. eating dinner with one of my cousins who reminds me too much of bubba.
the whole idea behind the holiday is not lost in my family. we choose jesus over santa... but with all the recent buzzing about this christ figure, even he's a little pop-cultured out.
but nevertheless... i wish all of you a happy holiday and look forward to 2005. this time of year always reminds me of my girl, Bridget Jones. resolutions will not be hard to come by this year. anyway. i'll say that for next week.
a big thank you to everybuddy who has frequented this page, or even just stopped by in hopes of webcam boob pictures. a bigger thank you to everyone who is still hanging around waiting for me to produce something quality again.
it reminds me to keep the faith.
the day after christmas is classically known as "play with the new shit you got" day. so in honor of this sacred tradition, i watched 4 movies and read 100 pages of Chuck Palahniuk's Diary. i also half-assidly cleaned up the basement and tried to hook up my bastard of a computer to our new router, but to no avail.
in following with another holiday time tradition, i am also wallowing in self-pity. this xmas was just cloudy. that's the best word i can come up with. no magic, really. no passion. dad was sick and infected me... so now i'm phlegmming all over the place. i can't get excited over presents that i picked out and wrapped myself. no kitty to sit in my lap and play with my ribbons. 3 hours at the nursing home. eating dinner with one of my cousins who reminds me too much of bubba.
the whole idea behind the holiday is not lost in my family. we choose jesus over santa... but with all the recent buzzing about this christ figure, even he's a little pop-cultured out.
but nevertheless... i wish all of you a happy holiday and look forward to 2005. this time of year always reminds me of my girl, Bridget Jones. resolutions will not be hard to come by this year. anyway. i'll say that for next week.
a big thank you to everybuddy who has frequented this page, or even just stopped by in hopes of webcam boob pictures. a bigger thank you to everyone who is still hanging around waiting for me to produce something quality again.
it reminds me to keep the faith.
Monday, December 20, 2004
It just keeps piling on. Slowly. One brick at a time. Encircling my feet. I was sitting comfortably with this ledge that came up to my waist but the wall is almost over my neck now.
Sometimes things just happen so fast your brain doesn’t register it all at once. You could call this a biological defense mechanism… because if you did take it all in at the pace it is dished out your heart would explode.
Instead, you are left with the exact opposite feeling.
Emptiness.
I saw my grandmother have a seizure in the hospital. That happened on Wednesday. I had been meaning to write about it… the most frightening thing I have ever been witness to in my entire life… but I guess I had just been afraid to relive the moment. And in order to do something justice, you have to experience it fully on paper. So I just avoided it. I still am.
My winter guard rehearsal kicked a lot of ass. That happened on Thursday.
The Pub had the busiest lunch ever. That happened on Friday. I made a lot of money and had a little laugh to myself about one of my coworkers throwing a hissy fit at the head chef. After work I was so tired I took a two hour nap with my cat in my room. It was the best nap ever… and I didn’t even realize that at the time.
I went to a party in CP. That happened between Friday and Saturday. Spent some time with some people that I have truly missed.
I had the worst 4 hour car ride of my life. That happened on Saturday. I was in high heels, got caught in the worst traffic ever, took two naps because I kept nodding off at the wheel, forget my CD’s and had to listen to static radio stations the whole time, cried twice because I thought I was going to disappoint Bubba again, almost got in a car accident, and got a speeding ticket for going 75 in a 65.
Bubba and I are no longer an item. That happened on Sunday. And to say I don’t even know why would be a lie… but to say I do know why wouldn’t be the truth either.
My father turned 66. That happened between Sunday and today.
We put my cat, Snickers, to sleep. That happened today. For 14 years that fat-ass, fuzzy, little bastard was my baby. My best friend. The only being I know that let me hug him all the time… even when he wasn’t really in the mood. There was a tumor in his abdomen and it ruptured. The surgery to try and remove it would have cost more than my family could afford. And there was no guarantee he’d be okay afterwards. I’ve never seen something die like that before. Right in front of me.
Lots of crying this month.
Can’t really think of anything else to say… the holidays don’t really have the same effect when so many things that you hold close to you involve so much loss and fear and pain. But I guess this is what it's all about, really. This hurt I feel reminds me that it means something to me. It all means something. Maybe i just can’t figure out what right away. Here’s hoping I will eventually.
We all live to die… but right now I’m not really dying to live.
Sometimes things just happen so fast your brain doesn’t register it all at once. You could call this a biological defense mechanism… because if you did take it all in at the pace it is dished out your heart would explode.
Instead, you are left with the exact opposite feeling.
Emptiness.
I saw my grandmother have a seizure in the hospital. That happened on Wednesday. I had been meaning to write about it… the most frightening thing I have ever been witness to in my entire life… but I guess I had just been afraid to relive the moment. And in order to do something justice, you have to experience it fully on paper. So I just avoided it. I still am.
My winter guard rehearsal kicked a lot of ass. That happened on Thursday.
The Pub had the busiest lunch ever. That happened on Friday. I made a lot of money and had a little laugh to myself about one of my coworkers throwing a hissy fit at the head chef. After work I was so tired I took a two hour nap with my cat in my room. It was the best nap ever… and I didn’t even realize that at the time.
I went to a party in CP. That happened between Friday and Saturday. Spent some time with some people that I have truly missed.
I had the worst 4 hour car ride of my life. That happened on Saturday. I was in high heels, got caught in the worst traffic ever, took two naps because I kept nodding off at the wheel, forget my CD’s and had to listen to static radio stations the whole time, cried twice because I thought I was going to disappoint Bubba again, almost got in a car accident, and got a speeding ticket for going 75 in a 65.
Bubba and I are no longer an item. That happened on Sunday. And to say I don’t even know why would be a lie… but to say I do know why wouldn’t be the truth either.
My father turned 66. That happened between Sunday and today.
We put my cat, Snickers, to sleep. That happened today. For 14 years that fat-ass, fuzzy, little bastard was my baby. My best friend. The only being I know that let me hug him all the time… even when he wasn’t really in the mood. There was a tumor in his abdomen and it ruptured. The surgery to try and remove it would have cost more than my family could afford. And there was no guarantee he’d be okay afterwards. I’ve never seen something die like that before. Right in front of me.
Lots of crying this month.
Can’t really think of anything else to say… the holidays don’t really have the same effect when so many things that you hold close to you involve so much loss and fear and pain. But I guess this is what it's all about, really. This hurt I feel reminds me that it means something to me. It all means something. Maybe i just can’t figure out what right away. Here’s hoping I will eventually.
We all live to die… but right now I’m not really dying to live.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
every minute i have needs to be made up ... but how?
the morning leaves my skin dry. i rub my hands over my face and wish that i hadn't left my lotion all the way upstairs. don't think me lazy... just frustrated with myself that i got down to the basement before noticing i was in dire need of moisturizing.
moe asked me to write a post last night. i spent the evening putting my desk together and watching viva la bam instead. what can i say... his antics are just so entertaining.
and bam actually got me thinking. through the power of prompting and editing, this show has made characters out of his family and friends. certain personalities pushed to the extreme with the promise of monetary rewards and more importantly- mad props from other adrenaline junkies. peer pressure is a beautiful thing.
the color of everyone in that show is what gets to me. not the potty humor or the stunts or the abundance of testosterone... it's just all the raw excitement. everyone gets emotional about EVERYTHING. granted, i know that most of it is forced and planned because it is a television show, but damn... they have more than twice the amount of sheer energy in their lame little world than i do in mine.
that shit is just not going to fly.
i constantly have to tell my guard students to "cheese" or "ham" it up when they perform anything. that in order to really impress and connect with an audience they need to give and share themselves as much as possible. that it needs to be the most important thing in the world to you and you need to put your balls out there.
WHY shouldn't i be encouraging this in my own life... with the things that ARE really important to me?
fear. i think you need some time off.
"You ask me what I came here to do. I will tell you. I came to live out loud."
- Emile Zola
moe asked me to write a post last night. i spent the evening putting my desk together and watching viva la bam instead. what can i say... his antics are just so entertaining.
and bam actually got me thinking. through the power of prompting and editing, this show has made characters out of his family and friends. certain personalities pushed to the extreme with the promise of monetary rewards and more importantly- mad props from other adrenaline junkies. peer pressure is a beautiful thing.
the color of everyone in that show is what gets to me. not the potty humor or the stunts or the abundance of testosterone... it's just all the raw excitement. everyone gets emotional about EVERYTHING. granted, i know that most of it is forced and planned because it is a television show, but damn... they have more than twice the amount of sheer energy in their lame little world than i do in mine.
that shit is just not going to fly.
i constantly have to tell my guard students to "cheese" or "ham" it up when they perform anything. that in order to really impress and connect with an audience they need to give and share themselves as much as possible. that it needs to be the most important thing in the world to you and you need to put your balls out there.
WHY shouldn't i be encouraging this in my own life... with the things that ARE really important to me?
fear. i think you need some time off.
- Emile Zola
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
bundles of ... well. something or other.
first off: hahahahahahahaaa! love it!
second: i am burnt out like a mother pooper! being this tired and feeling this good reminds me of my college years. running my ass ragged but loving every fucking minute of it. sunshine, rainbows and bunny rabbits, even!
speaking of rabbits. i can't get over this shit... baby bunnies on the way!! so wonderful and scary all at the same time! congrats again, eric!
work is wonderful, guard is grand and bubba is beautiful (even if too far away all the time). family is even semi-functional. weird.
however... horrifying experience this afternoon. i am one to masturbate in the shower on occasion. mom has put nativity scene right in the middle of the counter. feel creepy getting off with the manger near by. next time will throw towel over.
i love underbellies! show me yours.
second: i am burnt out like a mother pooper! being this tired and feeling this good reminds me of my college years. running my ass ragged but loving every fucking minute of it. sunshine, rainbows and bunny rabbits, even!
speaking of rabbits. i can't get over this shit... baby bunnies on the way!! so wonderful and scary all at the same time! congrats again, eric!
work is wonderful, guard is grand and bubba is beautiful (even if too far away all the time). family is even semi-functional. weird.
however... horrifying experience this afternoon. i am one to masturbate in the shower on occasion. mom has put nativity scene right in the middle of the counter. feel creepy getting off with the manger near by. next time will throw towel over.
i love underbellies! show me yours.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
assimilating
there is a constant pull in me. contradicting passions that never let up or ease away. my heart strings pull hard and soft all at the same time, playing songs that only the skies seem to understand. i live on a see-saw ever swaying; ever changing from one high to another. the spectrum of the human condition is so wide... and every time i extend further inward or outward i never fail to be surprised or challenged by what i find.
i have forgotten what it is like to write while consciously making an effort to sound poetic with prose that could read like a stale and routine essay or research paper. i have forgotten the power of word choice and how snobby one can sound contemplating their vernacular.
the wings of this social butterfly have reopened and are extending towards the heavens and hells that we have created for ourselves. i realize that while most people create a box for themselves to live in, i create a box that i constantly want to rip to shreds or fly away from. but in a sense... that IS my box. my craving for more, for deeper meaning, for greater, hidden significance is my crutch. my routine.
i am so painfully afraid of being boring. so petrified that my story is not worth telling. so worried that i won't effect anyone... yet so mad that i crave validation from others. why can't it just be that my story means something to me? why does it have to matter to someone-ANYONE else? moments of introversion crash into whirlwinds of extroversion that give me a high that i can only assume is better than drugs.
bottom line is that i have spent the last two days socially slutting up and whoring myself out. i have met so many new people and have reconnected with so many sparkles that have dimmed in my eyes. i have missed this part of me... closeted and shut off in attempts to be more adult.
i don't want a grown up 9-5. i don't want the house and the dog and the kids yet. i want late nights full of starry eyes and music so loud and fast that my ears can't keep up. i want too much caffeine and nicotine and drunken sexual tension with men and women i will never touch. i want fantasy and dreams and i want them tangible and real and just slightly out of my reach. i want a reason to jump and stretch and try my damnedest to capture them.
declaration to the world of people trying so hard not to be noticed:
fight existence and deny love. hide your sex and shield your mind from leaving its comfort zone. feel sorry for yourself and everything else. envy, admire and hate me secretly.... but get the FUCK out of my way.
i sing to myself long-winded ballads of horrible rhyming schemes and tangets that lead down paths to nowhere. but the view. the view soaked in color and bleeding of all the emotions we teach our young boys to ignore and suppress. the vulnerable confidence and honesty that our young girls never quite seem to embrace- make that the heart i wear on my shoulder.
manipulate my wordy game playing into something more than a strategy for getting men to desire me sexually and let those who read this know that as much as i want to write it for myself... it is always with you in mind. those sentences and awkward phrases that twinge a subtle sense of "is she talking about me?" in the back of your throat:
they are as real as you want them to be. because they are already so much more than real to me.
i have forgotten what it is like to write while consciously making an effort to sound poetic with prose that could read like a stale and routine essay or research paper. i have forgotten the power of word choice and how snobby one can sound contemplating their vernacular.
the wings of this social butterfly have reopened and are extending towards the heavens and hells that we have created for ourselves. i realize that while most people create a box for themselves to live in, i create a box that i constantly want to rip to shreds or fly away from. but in a sense... that IS my box. my craving for more, for deeper meaning, for greater, hidden significance is my crutch. my routine.
i am so painfully afraid of being boring. so petrified that my story is not worth telling. so worried that i won't effect anyone... yet so mad that i crave validation from others. why can't it just be that my story means something to me? why does it have to matter to someone-ANYONE else? moments of introversion crash into whirlwinds of extroversion that give me a high that i can only assume is better than drugs.
bottom line is that i have spent the last two days socially slutting up and whoring myself out. i have met so many new people and have reconnected with so many sparkles that have dimmed in my eyes. i have missed this part of me... closeted and shut off in attempts to be more adult.
i don't want a grown up 9-5. i don't want the house and the dog and the kids yet. i want late nights full of starry eyes and music so loud and fast that my ears can't keep up. i want too much caffeine and nicotine and drunken sexual tension with men and women i will never touch. i want fantasy and dreams and i want them tangible and real and just slightly out of my reach. i want a reason to jump and stretch and try my damnedest to capture them.
declaration to the world of people trying so hard not to be noticed:
fight existence and deny love. hide your sex and shield your mind from leaving its comfort zone. feel sorry for yourself and everything else. envy, admire and hate me secretly.... but get the FUCK out of my way.
i sing to myself long-winded ballads of horrible rhyming schemes and tangets that lead down paths to nowhere. but the view. the view soaked in color and bleeding of all the emotions we teach our young boys to ignore and suppress. the vulnerable confidence and honesty that our young girls never quite seem to embrace- make that the heart i wear on my shoulder.
manipulate my wordy game playing into something more than a strategy for getting men to desire me sexually and let those who read this know that as much as i want to write it for myself... it is always with you in mind. those sentences and awkward phrases that twinge a subtle sense of "is she talking about me?" in the back of your throat:
they are as real as you want them to be. because they are already so much more than real to me.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
let me tell you:
this move back into my childhood room has definitely been humbling. a lot of things have been thrown and given away, a lot of privacy and indulgences i'm used to have disappeared, and mountains of sweat and sore muscles have made me tired and irritable. we still aren't settled because my brother is moving from his apartment in the basement back up to his old bedroom too. this leaves the bottom floor a space for the two of us, our desks, art supplies and entertainment center. i can't wait until i can hook my computer back up and get all my creative crap in order. getting rid of all the friggin' boxes everywhere will be nice too. i just feel in between right now.
on the plus side, i'm really enjoying my fourth period class as QO with the colorguard girls. we are performing Ah Ha's "Take on Me" at the winter concert coming up. it's gonna be rad. neon flags and 80's hair.
i'm also working lunch shifts at my favorite irish pub now... and the vibe of that place is just so excellent. everyone on staff is a sarcastic bastard and the customers banter right along with us. let's just say i feel very at home. the cash at the end of each shift is nice too. heh.
my winterguard is promising to be phenomenal. i'm almost positive i will have 20 kids. my show design is going well and their energy is great. we all want it bad this season. fingers crossed that we sustain this throughout the season.
oh. and i figure that i should probably mention a certain "he." yeah... i've kinda had a boyfriend for about a month now. don't hit me!! i just didn't want to say anything and jinx it like i have with almost every other he over the last 3 years. this is my second crack at a long-distance relationship... and i'm going to be honest and say that i'm not handling it well. the time i spend with him is just too wonderful for words and the weeks that separate it are so damn boring in comparison. not to mention my current feeling of "in between" with my whole friggin' life making my over-analytical mindset completely wacked out. i just hope he can stand me being all retarded for a bit until i go back into my normal retardedness. you know what i mean.
anyway... we shall refer to him as bubba from here out, and let me tell you:
on the plus side, i'm really enjoying my fourth period class as QO with the colorguard girls. we are performing Ah Ha's "Take on Me" at the winter concert coming up. it's gonna be rad. neon flags and 80's hair.
i'm also working lunch shifts at my favorite irish pub now... and the vibe of that place is just so excellent. everyone on staff is a sarcastic bastard and the customers banter right along with us. let's just say i feel very at home. the cash at the end of each shift is nice too. heh.
my winterguard is promising to be phenomenal. i'm almost positive i will have 20 kids. my show design is going well and their energy is great. we all want it bad this season. fingers crossed that we sustain this throughout the season.
oh. and i figure that i should probably mention a certain "he." yeah... i've kinda had a boyfriend for about a month now. don't hit me!! i just didn't want to say anything and jinx it like i have with almost every other he over the last 3 years. this is my second crack at a long-distance relationship... and i'm going to be honest and say that i'm not handling it well. the time i spend with him is just too wonderful for words and the weeks that separate it are so damn boring in comparison. not to mention my current feeling of "in between" with my whole friggin' life making my over-analytical mindset completely wacked out. i just hope he can stand me being all retarded for a bit until i go back into my normal retardedness. you know what i mean.
anyway... we shall refer to him as bubba from here out, and let me tell you:
i. am. in love.
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