1. Who would you take with you on a road trip?
My two favorite cousins, my stupid brother and this little girl (as soon as she turns 21). And since this is a hypothetical fantasy type situation, we would all each bring along the loves of our lives to hold hands and make out with along the way.
2. What states would you visit?
Each one of us would pick somewhere we wanted to go and we would plan loosely around that... but leave plenty of room for surprises and side tracks.
3. What national parks and/or monuments would you go see?
Whichever ones happened to be along the way.
4. Las Vegas: Overrated or a Must-See?
I dunno. I've never been there.
5. How long would you be gone?
As long as it took.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Of Boys and Men.
That h2o advisory should not have been lifted last week. Because something is seriously in the water.
Or maybe I'm ovulating. Who knows.
Whatever the reason... it's back.
Almost 8 months later... my sexuality is finally back.
And while part of me would just love to celebrate that fact, we all know that this means trouble.
Thick, delicious, nasty trouble.
Don't get me wrong, here. I had a couple post break-up hook-ups. But there was no magic there. Just a desperate prayer that I was still alive. That my body still worked. That men did, in fact, find me attractive.
Needless to say... they didn't work.
But now I enter a much more dangerous phase.
My heart has always been ready to go. And now my body aching to follow. But my brain is still skeptical. My brain knows better. My brain doesn't want me to make the same mistakes.
In other words, my brain is cock blockin'... and I kind of want to HURT someone.
Or maybe I'm ovulating. Who knows.
Whatever the reason... it's back.
Almost 8 months later... my sexuality is finally back.
And while part of me would just love to celebrate that fact, we all know that this means trouble.
Thick, delicious, nasty trouble.
Don't get me wrong, here. I had a couple post break-up hook-ups. But there was no magic there. Just a desperate prayer that I was still alive. That my body still worked. That men did, in fact, find me attractive.
Needless to say... they didn't work.
But now I enter a much more dangerous phase.
My heart has always been ready to go. And now my body aching to follow. But my brain is still skeptical. My brain knows better. My brain doesn't want me to make the same mistakes.
In other words, my brain is cock blockin'... and I kind of want to HURT someone.
Friday, June 20, 2008
The Friday Five: Self Analysis
1) what is one thing about you that you hate?
The fact that I can be amazingly confident one second, and then crumble like a coward the next.
2) what is one thing about you that you love?
The fact that I can crumble like a coward one second and then be amazingly confident the next.
3) if you had to change one thing about you what would it be and why?
My inability to keep emotional distance from people who need me. I don't want to lose my empathy... I just want to be able to control it better. To be able to put my own needs first sometimes. Mainly... I'd really just like to be able love people for who they actually are and not what I think they could be.
4) what is one word that you would use to define yourself?
spinning.
5) imagine what you would look like in a perfect world...what do you look like?
in a perfect world... how i look doesn't matter.
The fact that I can be amazingly confident one second, and then crumble like a coward the next.
2) what is one thing about you that you love?
The fact that I can crumble like a coward one second and then be amazingly confident the next.
3) if you had to change one thing about you what would it be and why?
My inability to keep emotional distance from people who need me. I don't want to lose my empathy... I just want to be able to control it better. To be able to put my own needs first sometimes. Mainly... I'd really just like to be able love people for who they actually are and not what I think they could be.
4) what is one word that you would use to define yourself?
spinning.
5) imagine what you would look like in a perfect world...what do you look like?
in a perfect world... how i look doesn't matter.
Monday, June 16, 2008
St. Mary's
Most of us never leap.
We just stand there staring.
Looking at all of the
what if's
should have's
and maybe not's.
Drowning in them.
Staying complacent.
Standing still.
Today, I watched Laura look back.
We visited a tiny, little lily pad she spent some time on a few years ago. I got to see her remember where she went and who she was... before she leapt again.
A year from now... I hope I can do something similar. I hope I can take someone that I care about home to see where I came from.
To see my first lily pad.
The one I still haven't leapt from.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
I feel that sense of urgency now.
It always happens after a coffee cup conversation. Or finishing a book. Sometimes after a good movie... or new album, poignant oneword, night out, first kiss, walk through the woods, bad dream, intense rehearsal and even surprisingly, after a broken heart.
Right now, it might just be a combination of all the above.
Right now, it might just be a combination of all the above.
Friday, June 13, 2008
The Friday Five: $ Money Matters $
1. Did you get an allowance as a kid, and if so, how much was it?
I did, from my father. It changed as I grew older, but I think for a while it was $5 a week. And the thing was, I didn't get it for doing my chores -- that was just expected of me. He really didn't want me equating doing things for myself as a job... and I gotta say, that lesson was definitely valuable.
2. How old were you when you had your first job, and what was it?
I started babysitting the minute my brother was born... even though no one asked me to. I should probably stop that, the pay is horrible.
3. Which do you do better: save money or spend money?
The fact that I have survived as long as I have on my income is no coincidence. I can save money like no other.
4. Are people more likely to borrow money from you, or are you more likely to borrow from them?
I'd say that I'm breaking about even. I was blessed with a few excellent friends and family members, and cursed with a few others.
5. What's the most expensive thing you've ever bought?
My new-to-me Honda Civic. ::cheese::
I did, from my father. It changed as I grew older, but I think for a while it was $5 a week. And the thing was, I didn't get it for doing my chores -- that was just expected of me. He really didn't want me equating doing things for myself as a job... and I gotta say, that lesson was definitely valuable.
2. How old were you when you had your first job, and what was it?
I started babysitting the minute my brother was born... even though no one asked me to. I should probably stop that, the pay is horrible.
3. Which do you do better: save money or spend money?
The fact that I have survived as long as I have on my income is no coincidence. I can save money like no other.
4. Are people more likely to borrow money from you, or are you more likely to borrow from them?
I'd say that I'm breaking about even. I was blessed with a few excellent friends and family members, and cursed with a few others.
5. What's the most expensive thing you've ever bought?
My new-to-me Honda Civic. ::cheese::
Deflated.
I am always afraid when I have a great day.
Because it is usually followed by a not-as-great day. But more often than not, it is followed by a bad (even if only in comparison) day.
And when you have a couple great days in a row?
Absolutely. Terrifying.
Wouldn't you know... that was the beginning of this week for me.
I'd love to try and focus on all of the good things that happened... but I'm afraid that yesterday, I may as well just taken a huge sharpie marker out and crossed them all right off the list.
Pendulums swing back, waves always crash, and my baggage is a complete set with matching toiletry bag.
Two things have just been made abundantly clear to me:
1. My financial situation is still far from stable, and I need to be more realistic about my future because of that. I have a lot of work to do.
2. I am not ready to date, let alone make out with people. I cannot keep serving up all of my Dave insecurities and paranoias to people who are NOT Dave. Frankly, it's just mean... and they don't deserve it.
Because it is usually followed by a not-as-great day. But more often than not, it is followed by a bad (even if only in comparison) day.
And when you have a couple great days in a row?
Absolutely. Terrifying.
Wouldn't you know... that was the beginning of this week for me.
I'd love to try and focus on all of the good things that happened... but I'm afraid that yesterday, I may as well just taken a huge sharpie marker out and crossed them all right off the list.
Pendulums swing back, waves always crash, and my baggage is a complete set with matching toiletry bag.
Two things have just been made abundantly clear to me:
1. My financial situation is still far from stable, and I need to be more realistic about my future because of that. I have a lot of work to do.
2. I am not ready to date, let alone make out with people. I cannot keep serving up all of my Dave insecurities and paranoias to people who are NOT Dave. Frankly, it's just mean... and they don't deserve it.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
And The Flood. It Finally Comes.
On Saturday, haze was very blunt with me. She told me that she doesn't like it when I say things that make her feel like she's my only friend.
I don't really know if she realized how hard that hit me. How it made me feel so bad for her, for my parents -- even for my brother... For having to deal with me and my year-long pity party.
Yeah, last year, the two most important people in my life ditched me. My best friend and the love of my life. Slowly. Dramatically. Painfully.
But I have been in mourning for far too long. I started an avalanche of self-fulfilling negative and paranoid thought that no one in my life really loved me. I pushed everyone away. I lashed out. I self-sabotaged social interaction, work environments and my self esteem (which is saying something considering how low it was at that point). I killed my blog. I stopped writing about anything of consequence. I stopped sleeping and eating regularly and I watched a LOT of television.
Basically, I wasted a lot of time. A lot of opportunities. A lot of life.
Without haze... I really don't even know. She was the only one who still saw me be me... even if it was only in 3 hour rehearsal blocks. She somehow knew that the magic had not completely died inside of me. Or maybe she just hoped. Maybe she needed to believe that I would bounce back because she was going through the same thing I was.
I watched her friends and lovers do such horrible things to her... it felt like looking in a mirror. But every time, I watched her get back up and keep fighting. Fight like I didn't have the strength to. She just let me fall down, over and over and over again during these last eight months, patiently waiting to see that magic come back.
And I hope I'm not jinxing it, but I feel like we have both finally started to have that fire and light behind our words again. That we are both finally ready to be excited about something -- about ANYTHING.
She has been the best thing in my life. She has truly seen me at my worst, and somehow, she has loved me through it -- shit, she has loved me FOR it.
Somehow, without me realizing it, she has turned out to be the real love of my life.
She has proven to me that there are people out there in search of and capable of that ideal. That pure, honest, all encompassing love that still lets you be yourself. That forgives you for everything, even though there is nothing really ever to forgive because you would never intentionally wrong each other.
Laura. Thank you so much. For being the first person in my life who is actually strong enough to love me back the way I love you. It wasn't those people who treated me badly that I really learned the lessons from. It was you... the person who treated me well.
So I guess, you are just gonna hafta deal with my acting like you're the only real friend I have.
... Because you are.
I don't really know if she realized how hard that hit me. How it made me feel so bad for her, for my parents -- even for my brother... For having to deal with me and my year-long pity party.
Yeah, last year, the two most important people in my life ditched me. My best friend and the love of my life. Slowly. Dramatically. Painfully.
But I have been in mourning for far too long. I started an avalanche of self-fulfilling negative and paranoid thought that no one in my life really loved me. I pushed everyone away. I lashed out. I self-sabotaged social interaction, work environments and my self esteem (which is saying something considering how low it was at that point). I killed my blog. I stopped writing about anything of consequence. I stopped sleeping and eating regularly and I watched a LOT of television.
Basically, I wasted a lot of time. A lot of opportunities. A lot of life.
Without haze... I really don't even know. She was the only one who still saw me be me... even if it was only in 3 hour rehearsal blocks. She somehow knew that the magic had not completely died inside of me. Or maybe she just hoped. Maybe she needed to believe that I would bounce back because she was going through the same thing I was.
I watched her friends and lovers do such horrible things to her... it felt like looking in a mirror. But every time, I watched her get back up and keep fighting. Fight like I didn't have the strength to. She just let me fall down, over and over and over again during these last eight months, patiently waiting to see that magic come back.
And I hope I'm not jinxing it, but I feel like we have both finally started to have that fire and light behind our words again. That we are both finally ready to be excited about something -- about ANYTHING.
She has been the best thing in my life. She has truly seen me at my worst, and somehow, she has loved me through it -- shit, she has loved me FOR it.
Somehow, without me realizing it, she has turned out to be the real love of my life.
She has proven to me that there are people out there in search of and capable of that ideal. That pure, honest, all encompassing love that still lets you be yourself. That forgives you for everything, even though there is nothing really ever to forgive because you would never intentionally wrong each other.
Laura. Thank you so much. For being the first person in my life who is actually strong enough to love me back the way I love you. It wasn't those people who treated me badly that I really learned the lessons from. It was you... the person who treated me well.
So I guess, you are just gonna hafta deal with my acting like you're the only real friend I have.
... Because you are.
Friday, June 06, 2008
The Friday Five: Randomosity
1. if you had to participate in one olympic event what would it be and why?
Softball. Because there isn't a colorguarding event.
2. what is the one song you always sing along to?
Every song I know the words to.
3. do you wear a seatbelt in the car?
Duh.
4. car, suv or truck and why?
If this question is trying to classify me as "going green" or not, I'd just assume not answer. But certain people need to haul shit around. And certain people need to feel big and important. I am not one of those people.
5. are you a good/bad driver? explain
I am very confident behind the wheel. Too much so for some people's liking. That coupled with my lack of respect for stupid rules can make me a nerve racking driver to follow or ride with.
Softball. Because there isn't a colorguarding event.
2. what is the one song you always sing along to?
Every song I know the words to.
3. do you wear a seatbelt in the car?
Duh.
4. car, suv or truck and why?
If this question is trying to classify me as "going green" or not, I'd just assume not answer. But certain people need to haul shit around. And certain people need to feel big and important. I am not one of those people.
5. are you a good/bad driver? explain
I am very confident behind the wheel. Too much so for some people's liking. That coupled with my lack of respect for stupid rules can make me a nerve racking driver to follow or ride with.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Fuck You, Grape-Nuts!
You taste like kitty litter.
But that will NOT keep me from getting those 7 precious grams of fiber, oh no. I will simply mix in two servings of raisins along with you, and let you sit in milk until most of that nasty, disgusting, sandy, crunching texture has turned to mush.
So THERE!
But that will NOT keep me from getting those 7 precious grams of fiber, oh no. I will simply mix in two servings of raisins along with you, and let you sit in milk until most of that nasty, disgusting, sandy, crunching texture has turned to mush.
So THERE!
Monday, June 02, 2008
Beached.
This weekend was too short. Saturday afternoon found my family and I sunburnt and tired, so we headed out to the beach for a nice nap. Little did we know that the storm front was comin' in. The wind was so bad, sand was flying everywhere. Luckily, Mike and I assumed our secret, superhero identities and fought against nature.
Needless to say, we lost.
Later on that evening I was hankering for a run (inspired by the Pocomoke Triathlon we attended that morning), so I headed up Coastal Highway for a mile or so and thought I'd watch the storm really come in from the top of a sand dune. I really wish I had taken my camera with me -- when I looked to the left, the sky was a wall of churning clouds -- but when I looked to the right, the icy-white sky made the water shimmer like mercury.
There was a Lifeguard who was closing down the section of the beach where I entered. He was a classic, and I fell into infatuation almost instantly. He yelled at me about jogging on the beach while it was closed for the weather, proceeded to follow me up the dune... but then got creepy after some small talk. I sprinted back to the beach house, but didn't make it in time to avoid the down pour.
Yeah. I got to be that chick. Running in the rain with a white tank top on. You couldn't have chiseled the smile off of my face.
Dinner was nice. The whole point of the trip was to support my brother's girlfriend and her father participate in the aforementioned triathlon, so we all went out that night in celebration. Her family is so cute it makes me want to vomit. I would be really happy for Mike if I could stop being so jealous.
Surprisingly though, the best part of the trip (for me) was my drive home. I had to leave around 8am in order to get to my hotline shift on time, while mi ma and bro stayed the rest of the day. Being alone in the car... I sang the whole. freaking. time.
Seriously, Leno has nothing on my jawline.
And since I have a sick fixation with risking my life while behind the wheel, I took the opportunity to write some lyrics. They were totally Jason Mraz inspired. You really should buy his new cd (but ask me to burn you the bonus EP's).
Here are a few tidbits:
And all I know now is... I have to figure out a way to fit another trip to the beach into my summer.
Later on that evening I was hankering for a run (inspired by the Pocomoke Triathlon we attended that morning), so I headed up Coastal Highway for a mile or so and thought I'd watch the storm really come in from the top of a sand dune. I really wish I had taken my camera with me -- when I looked to the left, the sky was a wall of churning clouds -- but when I looked to the right, the icy-white sky made the water shimmer like mercury.
There was a Lifeguard who was closing down the section of the beach where I entered. He was a classic, and I fell into infatuation almost instantly. He yelled at me about jogging on the beach while it was closed for the weather, proceeded to follow me up the dune... but then got creepy after some small talk. I sprinted back to the beach house, but didn't make it in time to avoid the down pour.
Yeah. I got to be that chick. Running in the rain with a white tank top on. You couldn't have chiseled the smile off of my face.
Dinner was nice. The whole point of the trip was to support my brother's girlfriend and her father participate in the aforementioned triathlon, so we all went out that night in celebration. Her family is so cute it makes me want to vomit. I would be really happy for Mike if I could stop being so jealous.
Surprisingly though, the best part of the trip (for me) was my drive home. I had to leave around 8am in order to get to my hotline shift on time, while mi ma and bro stayed the rest of the day. Being alone in the car... I sang the whole. freaking. time.
And since I have a sick fixation with risking my life while behind the wheel, I took the opportunity to write some lyrics. They were totally Jason Mraz inspired. You really should buy his new cd (but ask me to burn you the bonus EP's).
Here are a few tidbits:
appreciating sex just for the physical
is an utter waste of the atypical
of an emotional explosional
intimidatingly intimate
kismet
it's a tragedy, really.
stretched over friction better spent
on a piece of paper with a pen
and i find myself here again
with these "can't see passed your nose when you're looking in the mirror" men
i'm not waiting for an institution
i just want my own, personal
love revolution
an evoluted misconstruted communicatory vocabulary factory
because no words currently exist
that do juicedice
in describing this
seemingly impossible to forget
love that hasn't happened yet
this love that only seems to live inside of me
when i forget to be
full of insecurity
And all I know now is... I have to figure out a way to fit another trip to the beach into my summer.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
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