We affectionately call them leap years.

But the jump that I will be taking this month is one of faith.

Lots has been happening, my little starz. And yes, some of that has to do with drum guy… but that’s just the petty bullshit that I wished really mattered because then life would be a whole lot easier.

My mommi is going in for some major surgery next month.

She has been having a lot of problems walking lately… lots of falls and pains and problems with functioning like her normal busy-body-type self.

… It’s really just a mess and I don’t want to go into details.

But I have decided that I will be moving back home for her surgery and recovery. This is the only way she will be able to get the operations done before the third week in fucking April. My extended family is being too extended with this whole thing and it is really hard for me to handle.

I can’t imagine how my mom feels… no one being there for her.

And so I said fuck it. There is no reason why I shouldn’t be there for her. I’m farting around with a job that high school kids could do with their eyes closed. I’d rather risk being late on my bills for a month than risk my mom not being able to walk anymore.

I’m really scared about the whole thing because not only will I be caring for my mother, but also my grandmother. She will be staying with us for at least a week right after my mom is scheduled to be discharged from the hospital. Yeah. Apparently my aunt and uncle’s vacation takes precedence over my mother’s physical health and mental stability.

Don’t even get me started.

And on top of all this… my mom has decided that she will not be returning to her job after she recovers. And then there is that whole taxes thing. This is going to be one hell of a month.

fable

So once upon a time there was this prostitute. Only she never got any business. She tried with anyone for any price but never once had someone take her up on her offer.

She was a complete failure. And I can’t imagine why.

But I’m smiling about it all. Glad that in failing to sell her body… she succeeded in keeping her self.

ask rogan has been updated.

thank you to everyone who has submitted questions so far... but please keep them coming! expect a 2 week turn around (if we have the questions to answer, of course).

and please, if rogan isn't doing a satisfactory job, tell her off!!

ok ok. to hold you over... here's this thing i did last week. i'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but i figured i should share before the next one goes up.

it will be a weekly-ish type of thing (if i can keep writing)... so i'd appreciate any sort of support with this new site.

and anyone who might be interested in being a contact for different colleges around the country let me know... my editors would really appreciate it and i would really like to see this community grow.

i'm sorry, guys.

but i'm just not feelin' it.

i finally got my internet back today... but i can't seem to bring myself to do anything productive with my computer. it's a cold-hearted machine... and i don't want to give it any love.

i'll try tomorrow, but things aren't looking up in liz land right now.

drafted jan 20th: "So there was this white dress..."

"But baby... you've gotta believe me. I had nothing to do with Blaine being here! Or with the dress! Not to mention the girl that was wearing the thing!"

"No, no, no, no, noooo... I wouldn't even think such a thing!"

That was far too many no's.

"But if you'll excuse me- I don't feel much like discussing anything else that you had NOTHING to do with."

"Libby, please!"

I watched her fingers pull the door of our room behind her and bounced slightly- surprised at how much force she used for such a simple task.

"Well. You always loved how she was so passionately dramatic. Figures that she'd have to go and ruin that for you too."

I have this this about talking to myself. Often times, I find that the people I am trying to engage in conversation with skip out before I've had my fill of vocal stimulation... so I have no choice but to finish up in their absence.

"I mean it's not like you WANTED Blaine to end up on the cruise with you. But what were you supposed to do- toss him off the side of the boat? And it is not your fault that he is an enormous dickhead who just HAD to push that girl into the pool.

"You weren't the one who thought she'd look hot all wet in that white dress.

"And who the fuck wears a white dress around a pool deck anyway?!?!"

now that things are settling in... i'd just like to mention a few of the site's new features.

ask rogan is an advice column by an associate of mine. i'd really like to keep this going, but i can't supply all of the questions. leave me a comment here about what you think of her work and email me if you have any questions for her. they can be about anything and don't even need to be that serious. you can also chose to submit under a code name... so don't worry about everyone finding out about that rash on your back. and as soon as i figure out how... i'll have a direct line for comments for each column.

the book club is an experiment and so far i only have 3 people beside myself who are interested. if i don't get at least 6 it's not going to be worth it. expect reviews of all the books we read as well. that is... if this keeps going.

featured is impatiently awaiting the next writer/artist to be spotlighted. i have a few people who said they wanted to contribute but have not received anything. i will also be cataloging quotes from writers that i enjoy to add to this section. i'll let you know when that is ready.

there are still a few other things on my to do list, but i need to take baby steps. if i can't get this fire to catch i'm going to hafta re-think this. any advice or criticism is welcome.

i had almost forgotten what days like these felt like

i had stuff to do. stuff i actually wanted to do.

i got myself offered a job and a new place to write. and i watched a very exciting smackdown. it's the magical time of the wrestling year... you know... leading up to wrestlemania.

if anyone wants to join my roommates and i in 27 (oops, 26 now) days for the viewing of the event... let me know. it will be good times.

speaking of good times... guess what silly head drum doo doo butt did today?? he called and asked me out to dinner. i know i know. unbelievable.

what a shame i already had plans.

too little too late, holmes.

so apparently being alone wasn't enough for me...

without getting into too much detail... i had to cancel my singleton plans for today to deal with a family emergency. nothing says lovin' like replacing your petty problems with real issues.

but even that wasn't enough.

he had the balls. to call me. around 5:30pm. to ask me about work on tuesday. who calls someone on saturday evening to talk about work on tuesday?

unfortunately... i was with my mom and had my phone turned off for the majority of the evening. so all i got was the message.

and this message... oh it was a winner. he didn't even wish me a happy v'day. just said that he was about to leave to go out to dinner but that he'd appreciate it if i called him later in the evening to let him know about tuesday.

... yeah.

so, the glutton for punishment that i am... i call him around 11:30pm. he answers. he asks me what i'm doing.

"helping my grandma get ready for bed... why?"

"where are you right now?"

"gaithersburg... why?"

"just curious."

... silence ...

so i say... "about tuesday..." and we discuss. when we are finished i ask "is that all..."

"i guess."

... silence ...

"ok. i'll talk to you later then."

... silence ...

"bye."

click.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT????
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO REPEATEDLY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT???

a piece of my heart - felt advice.

if nothing else.
today we should all be thankful for and celebrate the fact.
that as people...
we actually have the chance. and the ability.
to experience.
something so wondrous...

as love.




... even if right now some of us only feel it in our dreams.

fitting that god set it up so my bad luck with love has its epiphany hours before V'day this year. thanx, karma, you slut.

As I type this I am slowly trying to accept the realization that any opportunity for me to have a valentine this year has completely been crushed. It happened about an hour ago.

I’m sure to no one’s surprise… the man that I was secretly lusting and dreaming for in regards to the perfect valentine extravaganza… was drum guy.

It’s about time I started admitting that as much as I say I hate him… that’s probably how much I like him. And I DO mean like like.

It hurts my heart that he hasn’t… through all of this bullshit… really made any attempt to show that he cares about me in any way. But it hurts my pride ten fold that I have to admit that I adore a man who doesn’t treat me anywhere near as well as he should.

And it’s not that “bad boy” thing. Or the “challenge” thing. That’s not why I’m feeling this. I’m feeling this because he and I have been steadily prominent in each other’s lives for the past 3 and a half months. This is the closest thing I’ve had to a real relationship in 3 years.

It just would have been nice to have a real valentine again. It just would have been nice to actually know what it feels like to openly and consistently date someone.

I’m sick of relationship foreplay. I’m sick of just hook ups. I’m sick of just for fun. I’m sick of feeling like I’m in love with an IM window. I’m sick of dreaming about a relationship that I see lived out by two of my close friends.

I’m so ready. Beyond ready. Maybe I passed the safe point and now I’m too psycho to ever be a serious option for anyone.

That whole thing about older, successful and independently loud women being too much for any man to try and tackle... yeah I am actually starting to worry about that already and I’m not even FUCKING TWENTY FIVE yet.

I am positive that there are men out there. Men that would be good for me. Men that I could fall for and actually have a relationship with. But I have no clue where to find them or how to attract them.

And the one thing I am certain about is that I need to disregard any chance of anything with anyone over the internet because it doesn’t work and just feeds my depression.

So there goes my one major outlet into my peer’s world. The rest of my day is spent trying to win the hearts of preschoolers and adolescents.

I will have fun tomorrow. I will dine with my mom… fart around with my brother… eat fondue with some fine single ladies… and see a movie with my roommates.



But the whole time I will be thinking about his slack ass just sitting around his apartment alone all day long… and how he chose to do that over spending “just another day” with me.




And I want to cry when I admit that none of that will even matter on Tuesday when I see him again… because fuck-

I like him.

a friend: i was drunk.

an intimate experience: ... he was drunk.

hold on a minute.

so i was writing up an away message... and i kinda just kept going.

this being lonely thing is hard. no wonder certain people will do anything imaginable to avoid it.

i just keep telling myself that the wait will be worth it.

never settle. never settle. never occupy yourself with anyone or anything that you don't have a true and honest intrest in. it's cheap. and weak. and wrong to use people just because you don't want to sleep alone at night.

let's just hope i can listen to my own damn advice.
especially during this fucking red rose and pink heart season.

i had a very uneventful day.

i slept until 1pm and then cleaned up the house while watching 6 hours of chick flicks on TBS. you've got mail, fools rush in and ever after. let the romantic sap bashing commence. i did make up for all that mushy stuff by watching the last dragon with dorothy when she got home, though.

a highlight of the day was definitely when i ate my cheesecake factory leftovers from the burfday celebration for lindz. a bunch of us went out on friday and i must say that i had a splendid time. it felt like an adult outing... and i was surprised at how comfortable i was with that. much love to my dawg. she's old now.

but the reason that i slept so late was because of the party i went to last night. very interesting. caught up with some friends and enjoyed watching a dramafest from the sdieline. it was cool to watch something i have found myself in the middle of back in the day... uh... i mean last week.

but yeah. i have work tomorrow morning so i should be going. werd.

I tiptoed away from your bed
Hoping you wouldn’t wake up
My eyes, they drip, wet and red-
I never had very good luck

With you, or love, or anything really
It’s true, because, I’m lying, silly

i just wanna plug G bebi for bringin his site back.

makes me happy i know boys... i mean men... like him. EVEN if they are scared shitless of me.

and seriously... his drunken adventure #2 is priceless. quite the knee slapper.

whim ...

tonight after we all got home from work and socialling around... my roommates and i sat down together to relax with a bottle of wine.

we drank to change. and new adventures.

we giggled away the evening, dancing and speaking in irish accents and i sat in such a contentment that even made my sore throat go away. or maybe that was just my antibiotic mixing with the alcohol.

either way.
i used to think of different times in my life as either full of change or consistent. but now i realize that there has always been a flowing deep inside of me that is always moving and growing and yearning for new experience.

after my morning tea with my girl... i was left with an excitement about rushing to get to work on time that i haven't felt before. i was so excited because i couldn't wait to find out what would happen to me there.

as we grow up every day is a new adventure. but only kids seems to really embrace that. working with these youngsters gives me a daily reminder of what it's like to live without self censoring.

as adults we fall into routine and tend to stay inside the boxes we build around ourselves. the very people i hear criticizing others for being boring and empty are the ones who can't really remember what the difference between tuesday and wednesday is.

i don't want a life where i can look forward to stability. i don't want to be financially secure and have a set group of people that will be permanent fixtures in my daily events. i don't want to master a task or a trade just so i can repeat it mindlessly... over and over again.

i hope to wake up everyday with a surge. because i know that if i stay in bed... i'll have to wait that much longer to begin my next adventure. granted, i hope some of those adventures do involve beds of various shapes and colors and firmness... but this is a tangent.

my desktop picture is a quotable quote by elenor roosevelt. "do one thing every day that scares you." and every time i sit down i was proud to say that i can recall many things that i did that day where fear was looming in my pocket.

but now i don't know if i'm exactly proud of my fears for so many things. i wish fear did not have to drive me to meet challenges. i wish that it was the promise of something new and exciting that pushed me to my limits. not my fear of being left behind or overlooked. or worse- inconsequential.

we are so many things. why can't i try to be them all for a little while instead of just one forever? i don't want to be known of recognized or honored for creating something great or superior.

i just want to be known for taking that risk and putting my heart and soul into my being and for trying to live in surround sound. just for embracing every misstep and wrong choice and making something beautiful of it.

not to change into something beautiful... but to be a beautiful change.

so i got a little impatient and started to rearrange my layout with what i already have. i think it's quite refreshing. links are going to be stupid and such and the move is almost ready to go over to the new domain. i'll keep you posted.

yes. i am quite pissed off, actually.

i'm sick. i have nasty, dirty hard core strep. and no, these adjectives together are not half as cool when put before the word strep instead of porn. quite the opposite, really. i have so much going on with my winterguard and my new job but can't do them because i'll infect half the youth in maryland with my disease. so all i want to do is get this new site up and running. that's all. i'm already 3 days late.

but yeah nothing is working out right at all.

i'm so fucking frustrated with everything- from not being able to get ahold of matt to figure out the hosting thing to waiting on code from people that i feel stupid bothering about it because they obviously have better things to do.

and so i'm trying to do this stuff by myself and it's just not working. my layout looks like ass, i can't get ANYTHING to show up through ftp and i don't even have my content together.

and the worst part about the whole thing is that i'm writing for an audience now. i almost went back and deleted this because it really serves no purpose for you all to read. i've lost sight of what i wanted this for in the first place... and that is just to share anything and everything that i'm going through- no matter what i think anyone else will think.

so fuck this i'm done pretending to be superman. i really need a few people to help me out who will actually help me. and i'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad. i just gotta get this together so i don't get to the point where i give up.

anyone who can sit down and help me pick, join and set up a hosting plan/mooch off of theirs/whatever whatever please let me know.

anyone who is decent with html and tables and shit also please let me know.

anyone who can teach me how to make photoshop my bitch and set up a thumb-nailed gallery for me please let me know.

and anyone who can help me find a good (hopefully free) tracking system for the new site please let me know.


but if you already have a lot going on and/or you won't be able to donate any time and knowledge to this then i'll pass. i know what i want my site to do and look like... but i really only have an elementary idea of how i can accomplish that.

for now i'm just going to go back to what i like in the first place. that whole writing thing.

and before anyone beats me to the punch-

the pic of the moment is not really of drum guy.

... i just dream every night that it is.

since she took the time to get inside of my brain and then type all of this up... i'd better give her a shout out and a thank you for saving me the trouble...

lonely