does it even matter?

i don't know what i'm doing. i miss my site. i miss my friends. i miss my mom and my brother and i can't deal with the hurt i feel every time i try to talk to them. i've been trying to post on another webpage and it just isn't working. i'm not what they are looking for and they are not what i'm looking for. i don't really know what i'm looking for at this point... but this current whirlwind sure isn't it.

i am the distance that i put between myself and everyone around me.

i really do just want to move somewhere else and start all over. in a town where not everyone remembers that i used to pee in my pants when i was young, or that i turned everyone in for skipping class to go smoke pot in my car, or that i worked here, there and everywhere, or that i hooked up with him and her but wouldn't give so and so the time of day, or that we used to be such close friends and now we don't talk anymore.

it's too fucking much. i'm living on reputation and speculation. i'm not falling in love with anyone or anything that is helping me grow. just stunting my growth. making me question myself and everything that i thought i was all about.

i miss how it used to be but i don't want to go back there. i hate how it is now but can't see a way out. i dream about what it could and will be...

but dreams haven't done anything for me thus far.

maybe it's time to stop dreaming.

short and sweet.

i will not have regular acces to a computer for an indefinite period of time. don't expect much, if anything at all, if you continue to come to this site. currently, i do not have a place to live, and am consequently switching my focus to trying to rectify that.

don't call me and ask what's going on. don't offer me your floor or your futon. don't worry about me. it will not help... it will just make me feel worse.

catch you later.