shenright 50.0: the shend

I can't let my shenrighting come to a shend. I have a mission to complete. So how's about something else in my life?

:melodramatic drum roll: please.

I'm pulling away from Grey.

No, I will not be going into detail at this juncture in time. But I will say that when getting this post ready for publishing, I realized that I do not have ONE picture of the two of us at all. That should have been a sign.

But anyway...

This is not sad. This is not the end. This is the shend.

Don't worry...
you aren't the only one crossing their fingers for a reunion tour.
But I wouldn't get your hopes up.

shenright 51.0: write a letter

Dear God:

I don't need you the way I used to. You know... as some comforting caricature of an old, wise man... promising me that everything will be okay.

For a long time, you served as my father- spiritually and emotionally. I listened to the stories. I dissected the morals. I stood up for you when my friends tried to tell me that you didn't exist.

Now, it's not that I have come to agree with them. I will always believe in the meaning of everything, the collective unconscious and the good will in the theory behind all of your organized religions.

The problem is that these man-made interpretations don't do you justice. They are placid and boring. They are without the passion that faith and spirituality was supposedly based on.

You aren't a "you" anymore. You are a feeling. An energy. A philosophy even. And everything in between.

I simply refuse to continue trying to label you the way I have been brought up to. It's just too limiting.

Love You,
starz

Shedding the Layers... One at a Time.

I used to think that if I lost the weight that I'd be selling out. I wanted so much to prove to the world that I was worthy of great things, including a great love, even if I weighed 30 more pounds than I was supposed to.

But all I've proven is that no man I have ever had a mental connection with has had the balls to say, "It's just that I'm not as physically attracted to you as I would be if you were in better shape." No man has found enough in that connection to warrant wanting to work on that with me. No man has who pledged some sort of allegiance or attachment to me has cared enough about me (and my health) over their fear of hurting my feelings by calling me "fat."

shenright: 57.0: quote

scarlet, on her body: i LIKE being a bigger girl. i am happy with my stature and my build. and i like that i don't look like everyone else. the only thing i would really change about my appearance is to shrink my gut a little bit - but i like food and beer (yay, carbohydrates!). so i can deal with that. and if you can't... then you are stupid.

everyone is concerned about their appearance. every girl looks at herself in the mirror every now and again, paranoid about looking unattractive. i do not have some major phobia about my body. but i swear... if this crap keeps up... it won't be long until i do.

It might be fair to say that my predicition from 2003 has come true. It's true- I haven't been as good to my body as it has been to me. And I used my self-righteousness to convince myself and others that I was okay with that. But knowing what I do now... I can't hide behind this anymore. I can still be a fighter for natural beauty and women of different shapes, types and sizes when I am healthier. When I am at my appropriate weight range and body fat percentage.

My home environment has been my top excuse for not living the lifestyle I know I need to, followed closely by my lack of fundage to pay for a gym membership. Both can be worked around and I know that.

It's time to put in a little more effort.

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15 Comments

a One Word fan said...

I don't know you,but why would anyone in their correct mind yell at you for being fat when your mantra has always been,"I'm selling out if I lose weight."?You are telling them to accept you for who you are,and then wondering why they don't worry about your health.From your photo,you don't look unhealthedly overweight-socially overweight maybe.It depends on what your idea of healthy is.I have heard on NPR that the new healthy weight is five pounds more then the old standard...why don't they just say that they now believe it to be healthier to weigh more.Of course if your weight is affecting your health,then your weight is a health problem-NOT A BEAUTY PROBLEM.I am just a typical male dog,but if you are worried about your sexual attractiveness-I'd do ya.

Battlerocker said...

It could also be that there are those who actually prefer you the way you are. In some circles at least we men still enjoy soft curvy women, and the higher scale reading those qualities demand. From the looks of your photo you have little to worry about. We can always find others to whom we compare unfavorably, if we select the right rules and right opponents. Compare yourself to models in the arena of classic looks and you will find disappointment. But a lady need not be rail thin to be healthy, and she ought not be rail thin to be beautiful.

starz said...

Blah, blah gentlemen. Niether of you have said anything that I haven't heard from someone else or told myself already.

My mantra has NEVER been,"I'm selling out if I lose weight." It's what I told myself. And how can I expect people who care for me to tell me that I need to get in shape? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU DO EVEN IF IT SMASHES DOWN SOME PRECONCIEVED NOTION.

That picture doesn't prove anything. I am about 30 lbs moderately overweight. Even if you include the new 5lb addition... that is still 25 lbs overweight. I have some mad muscle mass going on, but my body fat percentage is around 27%... were it needs to be under 24%.

I know that some men love curvy women, and that I shouldn't compare myself to corporate versions of beauty. Duh. Duh. Duh. This is not about my ignorance on healthy self-image.

This is about the fact that I knew, even in 2003, that I wanted to change things about my body, but used a mind set to make excuses for not doing the work.

I'm sorry if my response is harsh... I know that both of you were just offering your opinions on what little information was given... and I really do appreciate it. Forgive me- I've had a stressful week.

Battlerocker said...

I guess I was confused. If you are angry that your friends and acquaintances haven’t hurt you in the name of advancing a goal they believe both unnecessary and counterproductive, you have odd expectations of your friends. If one actually believed your health to be at risk for being slightly overweight, then I would hope they would speak up. Otherwise, you might consider the possibility that people were dating you for what you were, rather than what they hoped they could make you. I don’t view girls as ‘fix-er-upers,’ and I know of no studies which indicate that slightly heavy twenty-somethings are dying off like flies. In fact the entire notion that obesity and mortality are strongly linked is a mantra more often repeated than actually proved. In any event, if you expect a motivational slave-driver from a relationship, make it clear from the beginning. Otherwise you might wind up dating someone with no wish to hurt you and no great worries about your present health.

shenry said...

Here's the thing... I believe that I live a fairly healthy lifestyle. I eat right. I do cardio. I lift heavy weights (I couldn't resist adding the "heavy" adjective). Because of this, people bitch to me about being overweight, or not eating veggies, or not being active, or whatever. I used to be all, "Well, here's what you do..." The thing is, they were just bitching to be bitching. They didn't want my advice or my help; they just wanted to make excuses or justify their lifestyle choice. My new approach is that I don't give support or advice unless somebody directly asks me. So if you're looking for support then straight up ask me and I'll be by your side in a heartbeat.

starz said...

Fair enough, Battlerocker... I should be clear from the get go that, among the other things I look for in a close relationship, I need someone who is willing to call me out on my shit, challenge me in my comfort zones to grow and change and experience as much as possible, even if the truth might hurt me or jeopardize the relationship.

You can see signs of people's hidden insecurities and unsatisfactions. And as a romantic partner, or fuck, just as a friend, the better you get to know someone, the more you get to know their defenses and their bull shit.

And I do practice what I preach. Any opportunity I have to help or challenge one of my freinds or love interests... I sure as hell take it. Some even engage back- but never on this subject. Never on the one I actually needed them to.

In closing... shenry: hook a sister up.

Battlerocker said...

Well I will agree with you there. Having someone who both motivates and participates in your personal growth is a vital and hard to find relationship quality. I guess my point is only that they need to agree on what your shit is before they can effectively call you out on it. I hope I didn’t come across as overly harsh.

a one word fan said...

Then lose some weight,bitch..Jesus.Blah,blah,blah,blah.Do you want any cheese with that wine?How do you expect me to make love to you if you die for a fat induced heart attack?How can I find you attractive if you loose a foot from diebetes?Get on your fuckin' running shoes and get jogging...damn/Oooor...Honey,I love you,but ultimately it is you who are responsible for you.If you want a boss,or to me a slave-then say so.But if you are going to be my slave...post a naked photo of your titties RIGT NOW!!!

a one word fan said...

P.S.I was being sarcastic....

a one word fan said...

I am sorry for my previous comments.They were said in jest and I was trying to make a (somewhat assinine)point.It came out rude,and mean sprirted.I am sorry.It was wrong of me.

oom oom said...

Seriously, you ARE healthy. A heck of a lot more so than I am. So for both of our sakes, I will see you at the gym. I would love to help you and me at the same time. Besides, I think we could motivate one another and have fun. Yeah, that was me not posting a comment.

Richie said...

the shallowest are all always at the shallow end, they always stand ankle deep in the water and watch the drowning.

starz said...

onewordfan, you have dug yourself a hole. i have nothing to say in response to your comments because i get your point... but am not impressed with your fucking delivery.

battlerocker, it's all good... your perspectives have given me a lot to think about. i can always appreciate MATURE conversation... especially when it's harsh. that's really the whole point of this post, i think.

oom oom, i just can't wait to see who breaks/falls off of a machine first. you know i love you and appreciate any and all comments you leave me here. however... with all this impending cardio- you might wanna cut back on the smoking. :hint hint:

and richie. you have no idea how poignant your statement was. really. but that is a post for another day.

a one word fan said...

So I have dug a hole...now you know why men walk on eggshells when it comes to discussing women's weight...because it is more of a woman thing then a man thing.If a man loves youall you have to do is throw up your shirt and he is happy.Concerning God...I have felt church and orginized religion is a good start.But if you don't put God first what is the point?So,you make some very good points.Now...fitness and God?I believe it is not what goes into your mouth that counts,but what comes out of it.That being said ,your body is your temple.As JFK once said:Ass not what your country can do for you,but ass what you can do for your country.

Sister Spikey Mace of Desirable Mindfulness said...

"And how can I expect people who care for me to tell me that I need to get in shape? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU DO EVEN IF IT SMASHES DOWN SOME PRECONCIEVED NOTION."

An interesting view of what love is, SI. It certainly explains a lot.

The Fever Chills... They Leave My Heart Restless

I just want you to know that I am postdating this. It is Saturday night, but I will be speaking on behalf of Friday afternoon.

My new job fit right into the holes in my schedule, with the 3 current seasonal jobs, quite nicely. But what I failed to realize is that all of these things together would result in the lack of time for me to properly take care of myself (mainly referring to things called eating and sleeping). I could feel my body wearing out on Wednesday. Thursday, I knew it was weak. So weak that I was susceptible to some sort of virus causing me to become bedridden with a 102 degree fever on Friday morning. Haven't really left this position... unless you count trips to the bathroom.

shenright 58.0: repeat clothing

Easy as pie this weekend, boss. No need to be seen in public... no need to dirty up any additional clothing.

Haven't been this sick in quite some time. Hate that it happened at such an active intersection in my life. Fever still around 101 degrees, but I am at least able to focus on the screen now. Sorry about my absence. Will do my best to make it up.

Indulge Me...

If you were to ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I'd say nothing... because I don't believe in growing up. But if you asked me what I wanted to do as I grow in all sorts of directions, among the top things on the list would be to write.*

Struggling to find my voice and trying to figure out what, exactly, it is that I want to write about, are issues that very rarely leave the forefront of my mind. One of the ways that I am trying to explore my options is by following my stream of consciousness down 60 second adventures that we call onewords. Some of these I include in my posts on this blog, but I catalogue them all on another page called Scattered.

Not only am I trying to plug this page because I want more feedback on my writing, but because I want you to join in on the fun. So far, shenry is my only active writing buddy, and even he has been on hiatus for a bit. I'm lonely. My words are lonely. I hope to expand this page to include collaborative works and other writing exercises... so if you fellow bloggers are anything like I am (desperately wanting to write, but full of fear and doubt that you can write or have anything valuable to say), take a chance. Step up. Play our little game.



Shoot me an email and I'll send you an invite.

---

*and get paid for it.

Daddi.

They say that we fall in love with the parent of opposite sex, and are then left doomed to search the earth for someone who compares. In my case... this is totally the case.

My father is one of the only reasons that I have any faith in men, and even he has had, and then left, two wives, each with two children.

I cried for the first time last Friday... thinking about Grey not being here anymore. It's getting too close to pretend it's far away.

You see, Dad and I ate brunch together, and as per our usual, we got into deep conversation. We talked about love. And how there is a difference between being in love and being ready to put in the work to maintain a loving relationship. There are different levels of intimacy... and a separate ladder of logistics that can parallel that intimacy.

It sucks when the ladders don't line up.

Sure enough... I have fallen in love with my father. With a man who's feelings are there, but without the desire to make it work.

Dad asked me if Grey and I had discussed what would happen if he didn't get the job in Japan. Two hours later, I realized that I had so much to tell Grey... knowing that he didn't have much to say to me in return.

But my train of thought was interrupted. By Grey... informing me that he did, in fact, get the job.

All of that speculation... and all of the revelation that came along with it- for not. I didn't expect my heart to break like that when I heard the words. I guess I had done a fine job of pretending that I wouldn't have to deal with the hurt of losing someone you love.

I know that Grey's focus right now is all about figuring out who he is and where he wants to go with his life. He is unsettled, unhappy and his motivation teeter totters with his moods and waves of insecurity.

I have already figured out who I am and what I want to do as an individual (at least in a broad enough sense to build a foundation). My motivation and drive have blossomed over these last three months and I am well on my way to getting where I need to be in order to accomplish my goals. Because of this, my focus has turned to sharing my journey with others... picking and choosing who... and seeing how my relationships can foster and facilitate my movement towards living the dreams I used to be too afraid to voice.

Obviously, a romantic counter-part is a big part of this puzzle. Having someone present in my life whom I love so deeply put that possibility right in the middle of my world. My relationship with Grey serves only to distract me and hold me back because HE is NOT ready.

And that's okay. More than okay, really... it's fabulous. This gives me time to celebrate and fly solo for a while, in this newly realized search for my future. It gives him time to take flight as well... and who knows if my presence would have fostered or held him back from that? We all tend to lean on the people we love when we are insecure or needy... and I would hate myself if I was the reason he never figured out what he wanted on his own.

We shall see if our flight patterns mesh... when we are both ready to fly, together.

He needs to leave. Not only in order to get moving on his journey... but so I can let go... and move on in mine.

Always Fleeting.

So about last weekend. Grey Matters and I were, obviously, in Boston. He had his Japan interview on Friday, and cordially invited me to come along. I decided to contact my cousin, the Aqua Douche (see the above photo), and make a weekend out of it.

Douche was kind enough to share his shithole of an apartment for three nights, and play tour guide for us after Grey's business matters were settled. My cousin is probably my most favorite person on the planet. I say probably only because I don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings in how positive I am of this fact.

The trip was wonderful. Nothing glamorous or noteworthy... just good times with two men I love. Lots of urban crawling, photo taking, and taco bell eating. As always... I wish it had lasted longer.

More on Boston, the Douche, and how I plan to take over the world after this message from our sponsor:

novice

i'm new to this.

not change. that happens a lot. jobs. seasons. rooms. locations. friends.

but this time everything feels more real. more important.

taking steps towards the life i only used to dream about.

i'm new to this.