ok... so it's taken me a little while to figure out exactly what i want to do with this. after our second meeting (all 2 and 1/2 of us)... i'm figuring that the rest of you all are just full of shit. you all have great hopes and aspirations of being involved, but when it comes down to it, none of you will take the time or the effort.
and that's cool. i understand. i'm not mad or anything... or at least i'm trying not to be. maybe the arrival of summer, the season of free time, will enable some of you to take the plunge.
but either way, i've decided that i am just going to taylor this to my own desires with reading. i'm not into book "reviews." feels too much like homework. so i'm just gonna write up a collection of excerpts from each of the books that i found particularly brilliant and some of my own little reactions/brain farts or research that have stemmed from them. it'll be good for us quote collectors.
::wink wink::
the only setback to this is that it takes a while to type everything up. so here is what i have so far. i may keep adding to it, i may not. i'm not trying to pressure myself.
i still plan on having the monthly discussions because if nothing else, it will be a chance for k@ and i to chat about whatever. i want to thank her and moe for their participation and energy in regards to this whole thing. because it would have been very hard for me to keep trying without you two.
with that, our pick for the next book is The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom. we both read his first book, Tuesdays With Morrie and enjoyed it. so why not... it's pretty short.
Due Date? June 20. Discussion 6pm until we get bored.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
seemingly pointless
last night was one of those nights where the timing was just off. i missed phone calls i didn't want to miss, i tried to hang out with people who were already busy, i chose to stick around and wait before getting lonely and bitter and pissed that there was so much to do but that i wasn't doing anything.
i would say that it was my monthly emotional overload... but that's at least a week away.
i saw his truck outside of my pub. i couldn't go in.
they went out, knowing that i was waiting for their call, without me.
i called them back, but they didn't answer.
so i drove around listening to ben harper. then i had a frozen strawberry margarita pity party and fell asleep watching rules of attraction.
no wonder i dreamed about bad sex.
i would say that it was my monthly emotional overload... but that's at least a week away.
i saw his truck outside of my pub. i couldn't go in.
they went out, knowing that i was waiting for their call, without me.
i called them back, but they didn't answer.
so i drove around listening to ben harper. then i had a frozen strawberry margarita pity party and fell asleep watching rules of attraction.
no wonder i dreamed about bad sex.
Friday, May 28, 2004
i thought i noticed a tan line around his ring finger.
there is one other thing about last weekend that i need to write about.
on saturday, i went to see Dorothy's (my roommate) musical review at her middle school (she's a teacher). then my other roommate (Lori) and i continued our evening at Champions. we were joined shortly after we got there by Maribeth and Cheryl.
i'm going to be honest here when i say that the point of the evening was to meet a few guys. i only had $15... and with a $5 cover that isn't going to get you very far. i very rarely depend on the kindness of male strangers... but i needed a self esteem AND wallet boost.
there was a coverband playing, named something poseur-like. "hindsight" i think. they were playing so loudly, us ladies had to shout at each other across from our table. we were scoping the bar, and i noticed that the bartender was really the only attractive male in the place. i also noticed my gaydar going off like a champ whenever he interacted with a customer.
so i thought it would be harmless to tell him "i'm not trying to suck up to you or anything, but you are the hottest guy here." needless to say, the next round was only $5. so i tipped big and went back to the girls.
after an hour or so, and NONE of us getting approached, i was getting antsy. so i approached an older, yet tan and cut man and told him "now, since you haven't offered to buy any of my friends a drink tonight, i have to stoop to asking you for a cigarette."
"but you all had drinks."
"because WE bought them."
"well, we can't have that... here's a cig. what are you drinking?"
but my conversation was cut short. i noticed a very large, redheaded male approaching Lori. he had a shirt on that said "PHAT University." needless to say, i took the cig and ran.
apparently, Mr. Phat had asked her to dance. she declined.
maybe 5 minutes later, the emerald green eyes of a greek god peered over the bar at the back of our booth and asked if we ladies would like to join him and his friends in a game of pool.
you bet your sweet as we would.
there are three of them. the green god, a man with salt and pepper hair and a dirty blonde. and i mean dirty in that way.
long story short... everyone was attracted to green the most. i mean, clearly. however, we found out their ages and the dirty blond became much more appealing at 26. (salt and pepper was 31 and green was freaking 35!!)
they were trying to peg us into different roles. Something about Lori being the mentor and me being the dominant one.
::insert giggle here::
they bought us drinks, we flirted, we teased, we exchanged stories. we also learned that salt and pepper was married with two kids.
you'd THINK that information might have set off a few alarms in my head... but noooooooooooooo.
Marib and Cheryl dip. Lori and I linger, get another round, and the bartender and i have built up a friendly banter at this point. he even made me a special drink called "the killer."
you'd think THAT might have set off a few alarms too... but no.
so we find that the guys are in the service. living on the base at Ft. Meade. being that they were so nice to us and i was trying to choose who's number i wanted to get, i offered to drive them home.
sigh. i'm surprised Lori let me get away with this.
but here... HERE is where karma comes back to get me. Mr. Fabulous Bartender man gives me his PHONE NUMBER as we leave the bar. yeah. WTF?! does he need a new fag hag? could my gaydar be wrong?
giggle giggle giggle.
we get on the base. they inspect my car. we get invited to a party. we get to blonde's house. i see baby pictures and toys all over the place. i get confused. ask for a glass of water. the guys are trying to get us to stay a bit and have a few more drinks. fat chance. i need to use the bathroom. blonde shows me upstairs. i see a nursery.
"how old is your daughter?"
"14 months."
"where are your roommates."
"oh... they're not here."
"why not?"
"they just aren't"
we walk into a bedroom. he sits at the desk.
"how are things with you and mommy?"
"i don't want to tell you."
"why....?"
"because i'm afraid you'll never speak to me again."
"come on, doode."
"we are still together. all of us are married."
.......
...
...........
.......
(that is me processing everything that happened this evening)
i leave the room. head for the toilet. he comes up close behind me. says it's hard when there are people like me around with nothing better to do. i mumble something about having a conscience and shut the door. after nearly peeing on myself, i see a training potty. a rubber duck. i go downstairs. his unfriendly dog is still hiding from me. i bet green that he (the DOG, sickos!) will be in my lap in 15 minutes. 7 minutes later, the dog is laying on my lap as i scratch his belly.
ha.
i get directions off the base and we get ready to leave. i make a smart ass comment about being misinformed about the situation tonight and they pounce... suddenly being defensive and self righteous.
oh well. blonde had my phone number. he called no less than 10 minutes after we left. wanted to see what i was doing the next day.
ugh.
what a waste.
on saturday, i went to see Dorothy's (my roommate) musical review at her middle school (she's a teacher). then my other roommate (Lori) and i continued our evening at Champions. we were joined shortly after we got there by Maribeth and Cheryl.
i'm going to be honest here when i say that the point of the evening was to meet a few guys. i only had $15... and with a $5 cover that isn't going to get you very far. i very rarely depend on the kindness of male strangers... but i needed a self esteem AND wallet boost.
there was a coverband playing, named something poseur-like. "hindsight" i think. they were playing so loudly, us ladies had to shout at each other across from our table. we were scoping the bar, and i noticed that the bartender was really the only attractive male in the place. i also noticed my gaydar going off like a champ whenever he interacted with a customer.
so i thought it would be harmless to tell him "i'm not trying to suck up to you or anything, but you are the hottest guy here." needless to say, the next round was only $5. so i tipped big and went back to the girls.
after an hour or so, and NONE of us getting approached, i was getting antsy. so i approached an older, yet tan and cut man and told him "now, since you haven't offered to buy any of my friends a drink tonight, i have to stoop to asking you for a cigarette."
"but you all had drinks."
"because WE bought them."
"well, we can't have that... here's a cig. what are you drinking?"
but my conversation was cut short. i noticed a very large, redheaded male approaching Lori. he had a shirt on that said "PHAT University." needless to say, i took the cig and ran.
apparently, Mr. Phat had asked her to dance. she declined.
maybe 5 minutes later, the emerald green eyes of a greek god peered over the bar at the back of our booth and asked if we ladies would like to join him and his friends in a game of pool.
you bet your sweet as we would.
there are three of them. the green god, a man with salt and pepper hair and a dirty blonde. and i mean dirty in that way.
long story short... everyone was attracted to green the most. i mean, clearly. however, we found out their ages and the dirty blond became much more appealing at 26. (salt and pepper was 31 and green was freaking 35!!)
they were trying to peg us into different roles. Something about Lori being the mentor and me being the dominant one.
::insert giggle here::
they bought us drinks, we flirted, we teased, we exchanged stories. we also learned that salt and pepper was married with two kids.
you'd THINK that information might have set off a few alarms in my head... but noooooooooooooo.
Marib and Cheryl dip. Lori and I linger, get another round, and the bartender and i have built up a friendly banter at this point. he even made me a special drink called "the killer."
you'd think THAT might have set off a few alarms too... but no.
so we find that the guys are in the service. living on the base at Ft. Meade. being that they were so nice to us and i was trying to choose who's number i wanted to get, i offered to drive them home.
sigh. i'm surprised Lori let me get away with this.
but here... HERE is where karma comes back to get me. Mr. Fabulous Bartender man gives me his PHONE NUMBER as we leave the bar. yeah. WTF?! does he need a new fag hag? could my gaydar be wrong?
giggle giggle giggle.
we get on the base. they inspect my car. we get invited to a party. we get to blonde's house. i see baby pictures and toys all over the place. i get confused. ask for a glass of water. the guys are trying to get us to stay a bit and have a few more drinks. fat chance. i need to use the bathroom. blonde shows me upstairs. i see a nursery.
"how old is your daughter?"
"14 months."
"where are your roommates."
"oh... they're not here."
"why not?"
"they just aren't"
we walk into a bedroom. he sits at the desk.
"how are things with you and mommy?"
"i don't want to tell you."
"why....?"
"because i'm afraid you'll never speak to me again."
"come on, doode."
"we are still together. all of us are married."
.......
...
...........
.......
(that is me processing everything that happened this evening)
i leave the room. head for the toilet. he comes up close behind me. says it's hard when there are people like me around with nothing better to do. i mumble something about having a conscience and shut the door. after nearly peeing on myself, i see a training potty. a rubber duck. i go downstairs. his unfriendly dog is still hiding from me. i bet green that he (the DOG, sickos!) will be in my lap in 15 minutes. 7 minutes later, the dog is laying on my lap as i scratch his belly.
ha.
i get directions off the base and we get ready to leave. i make a smart ass comment about being misinformed about the situation tonight and they pounce... suddenly being defensive and self righteous.
oh well. blonde had my phone number. he called no less than 10 minutes after we left. wanted to see what i was doing the next day.
ugh.
what a waste.
last weekend
before this weekend is upon us, i should probably talk a little bit about the previous one.
on friday i celebrated the graduation of my two bestest friends in the world... Maribeth and Kinya. i was joined for most of the day by Theresa, home for a bit from France, and ended my day at the best party i've been to all year. It was in honor of the Fox Street ladies, including Tina and Robin.
i just can't say enough about these women. how much i love them and how glad i am that they have blessed me with their friendships. but this is not a post about intelligent and hardworking estrogen. it's about family.
there are just some people in this world who get it. they don't quantify friendships on how often you see each other or how much you have in common. they show their love through the most unexpected and creative ways imaginable. it doesn't matter what petty disagreement could develop, because that isn't what concerns them.
i guess all i'm saying is that through all of my past experiences with close friends... through all of the drama and gossip and bullshit... that i can't really go around jaded about the people i have in my life right now.
all i can really do... is smile. :)
on friday i celebrated the graduation of my two bestest friends in the world... Maribeth and Kinya. i was joined for most of the day by Theresa, home for a bit from France, and ended my day at the best party i've been to all year. It was in honor of the Fox Street ladies, including Tina and Robin.
i just can't say enough about these women. how much i love them and how glad i am that they have blessed me with their friendships. but this is not a post about intelligent and hardworking estrogen. it's about family.
there are just some people in this world who get it. they don't quantify friendships on how often you see each other or how much you have in common. they show their love through the most unexpected and creative ways imaginable. it doesn't matter what petty disagreement could develop, because that isn't what concerns them.
i guess all i'm saying is that through all of my past experiences with close friends... through all of the drama and gossip and bullshit... that i can't really go around jaded about the people i have in my life right now.
all i can really do... is smile. :)
Thursday, May 27, 2004
a day in the life
I had my first real run-in with the cicadas today. Early this afternoon, I was jogging around the neighborhood. And there’s this one part, in-between housing developments, where no one wants to take responsibility for mowing the grass.
Normally, I jump off the sidewalk and run in the street during this stretch, to avoid any chance of getting all itchy from the high grass. But today I was being lazy, and just went straight through.
BIG effing mistake!
The first few yards or so were all right, but then I had to go under a few trees and couldn’t help but notice a piercingly loud noise. Man, do these little buggers sing!! It was like a car alarm going off in my ear. I looked up to the branches and to my retarded surprise, they were covered in cicadas. Now, this was really, REALLY cool to me at first. I even slowed down a bit and contemplated getting my camera and taking a few pics. But apparently my presence in their little area didn’t go unnoticed.
No joke, I had like 10 of them clinging onto me. I’m not really squeamish around bugs… so at first I started to giggle and thought “shit, if my roommate had been running with me today!” I sped up a little and started flicking the bugs off of my shirt. But as soon as I flicked them off, more took their place.
Combined with my elevated heart rate, the sound of their mating call and my sudden nervousness at getting the things off of me, I leaped into the street and started shaking my head around like a freak. I was batting my ponytail, brushing off my clothes and pretty much just flipping out.
Despite this little episode, I had a pretty good workout.
Then later, around 5… I decided to go into downtown Laurel and poke around Main Street. I knew there was a coffee shop, play house and some artsy-fartsy stores over there and wanted to see if anyone was hiring.
So I park at one end of the historical district and plan to walk one hour down, one hour back.
Yeah. It didn’t take me HALF that, being that every time I came upon a tree the cicada song got extraordinarily loud again and I had relapses to my previous little incident. I was power walking better than fucking Oprah.
In FLIP FLOPS, I might add:
Keep all the "ha ha you have red white and blue flip flops you loser" comments to yourself. they have STARZ on them.
Anyway. During this walk, however, only one bugger grabbed onto me, and I had a good laugh with a woman I passed who saw it on my shoulder and started swinging at it for me. Funny, she was just trying to be a good Samaritan and I thought she was assaulting me.
The coffee shop was a disappointment, the playhouse was closed, the incense store was really just a place for gay women to hang out and the art store only had eclectic hippies over the age of 50 working there. So I just bought myself some clearance candles, a few pins and some sketching stuff. And only one of the lesbians hit on me.
After I got home, I managed to doodle a bit:
But in regards to summing up today’s adventures… I think my new pin says it best:
Normally, I jump off the sidewalk and run in the street during this stretch, to avoid any chance of getting all itchy from the high grass. But today I was being lazy, and just went straight through.
BIG effing mistake!
The first few yards or so were all right, but then I had to go under a few trees and couldn’t help but notice a piercingly loud noise. Man, do these little buggers sing!! It was like a car alarm going off in my ear. I looked up to the branches and to my retarded surprise, they were covered in cicadas. Now, this was really, REALLY cool to me at first. I even slowed down a bit and contemplated getting my camera and taking a few pics. But apparently my presence in their little area didn’t go unnoticed.
No joke, I had like 10 of them clinging onto me. I’m not really squeamish around bugs… so at first I started to giggle and thought “shit, if my roommate had been running with me today!” I sped up a little and started flicking the bugs off of my shirt. But as soon as I flicked them off, more took their place.
Combined with my elevated heart rate, the sound of their mating call and my sudden nervousness at getting the things off of me, I leaped into the street and started shaking my head around like a freak. I was batting my ponytail, brushing off my clothes and pretty much just flipping out.
Despite this little episode, I had a pretty good workout.
Then later, around 5… I decided to go into downtown Laurel and poke around Main Street. I knew there was a coffee shop, play house and some artsy-fartsy stores over there and wanted to see if anyone was hiring.
So I park at one end of the historical district and plan to walk one hour down, one hour back.
Yeah. It didn’t take me HALF that, being that every time I came upon a tree the cicada song got extraordinarily loud again and I had relapses to my previous little incident. I was power walking better than fucking Oprah.
In FLIP FLOPS, I might add:
Keep all the "ha ha you have red white and blue flip flops you loser" comments to yourself. they have STARZ on them.
Anyway. During this walk, however, only one bugger grabbed onto me, and I had a good laugh with a woman I passed who saw it on my shoulder and started swinging at it for me. Funny, she was just trying to be a good Samaritan and I thought she was assaulting me.
The coffee shop was a disappointment, the playhouse was closed, the incense store was really just a place for gay women to hang out and the art store only had eclectic hippies over the age of 50 working there. So I just bought myself some clearance candles, a few pins and some sketching stuff. And only one of the lesbians hit on me.
After I got home, I managed to doodle a bit:
But in regards to summing up today’s adventures… I think my new pin says it best:
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
pre-update update
i know, i know. i'm slacking.
but not really. things are being turned upside-down around here and i just wanted you to be aware. i am in the middle or reorganizing and updating all of my content. pardon some of the links on the subpages for not working.
for now, i just wanted to point out some progress that i've already made.
twilight has been reinvented until rabbit and i can work things out with all of my archives from the old site. for those of you who don't know what twilight is, let me explain.
it is a collection of writing from an internet prompt called oneword. i try to do it every day and have invited a few of you who i know also participate. for anyone else who likes writing exercises, i highly recommend it and would LOVE to have you post your work on the site as well.
the gallery is FINALLY taking shape. i've mastered the art of the thumbnail and am now just trying to get all of my new digital camera pictures loaded up. for now, all i have is some horrid webcam pix and some doodles. there IS an adorable pic of my cat in there, though... so that in it self is worth a looksee.
be on the lookout for more crap, as well as a help index for you people who'd like a better explanation as to what it is i'm doing here. mwah!
but not really. things are being turned upside-down around here and i just wanted you to be aware. i am in the middle or reorganizing and updating all of my content. pardon some of the links on the subpages for not working.
for now, i just wanted to point out some progress that i've already made.
twilight has been reinvented until rabbit and i can work things out with all of my archives from the old site. for those of you who don't know what twilight is, let me explain.
it is a collection of writing from an internet prompt called oneword. i try to do it every day and have invited a few of you who i know also participate. for anyone else who likes writing exercises, i highly recommend it and would LOVE to have you post your work on the site as well.
the gallery is FINALLY taking shape. i've mastered the art of the thumbnail and am now just trying to get all of my new digital camera pictures loaded up. for now, all i have is some horrid webcam pix and some doodles. there IS an adorable pic of my cat in there, though... so that in it self is worth a looksee.
be on the lookout for more crap, as well as a help index for you people who'd like a better explanation as to what it is i'm doing here. mwah!
Monday, May 24, 2004
the book club meeting for book #2 is TONIGHT!!
yes, folks... from 8-10pm EST, we will be gathering in an AIM chat room to discuss Mr. Selby's "Requiem For a Dream."
in order to participate in this discussion, send me an IM any time today, and i will send you the invite tonight.
please don't punk out. please.
yes, folks... from 8-10pm EST, we will be gathering in an AIM chat room to discuss Mr. Selby's "Requiem For a Dream."
in order to participate in this discussion, send me an IM any time today, and i will send you the invite tonight.
please don't punk out. please.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
so there are these people.
who think that they have shit figured out. and by shit i mean life. everything.
now... most of us come upon people throughout our lives who we find to be on a different playing field then we are- be it in regards to goals, priorities or beliefs... but a certain few decide very early on that no one is at their level except the great thinkers and misunderstood minds of history.
i made the mistake in trying to make out with one of those people.
i know what you're thinking... this doesn't seem like it would be an issue for most people. but, well... most people don't make out the way i do.
i make out with my mind. i am most sexually aroused when my brain is stimulated along with my phermones. if you put me into a one-on-one situation with a guy there really is only one thing that determines my level of lust for him.
his cock size. no... wait. that's not right.
it's how he talks with me. what he talks about. how he expresses himself. what he gets excited about. what he chooses to share with me. vulnerability is like pimp juice to me.
and damnit if these people (mentioned above) can't talk a good game. they actually DO philosophize. wonder about the meaning of it all. and dear momma does that turn me on.
but see... intertwined with all of their talk... they let little pieces of shit slide out of their mouth. demeaning comments. especially if i voice a difference of opinion or play devil's advocate.
my perfect kiss is one in between sentences spoken to and heard from my partner. i want the heat of our conversation to be so intense that the only way to truly experience it is by getting our bodies involved.
i ache for words. pine for them. way more than any hot piece of ass.
but not just any words, you see. i listen. i listen closely. and i remember everything that strikes me as valuable. granted, i am biased in what i consider "of value," but fuck me- it's my brain i can be choosy.
so i hear all of the little filler lines. i read in between them too. don't make generalities around me and expect me not to relate them to myself. don't contradict yourself repeatedly and expect me not to call you on it. and for the love of god if you can't handle me teasing you verbally as well as physically then don't make it so unbearably easy.
i'm finding that more and more men don't want a challenge. they don't want a woman who's mere presence demands acknowledgement and respect.
they want someone to stroke their shaft, tickle their balls and blow up their egos. they want someone who wants to get intimate they way THEY want to get intimate and not any other way.
if i have one more guy tell me that their asshole is an "exit-only" in the same evening that they pull out the astro-glide i'm seriously going to queef in his face.
my point is this. if you actually think that i would sit there with you listening to you ramble on and on as such only to then brush it all off with an "i don't care" "you don't even get what i'm saying" and a "see that's why i don't like to talk about this shit. it just creates drama." and then think that i'll be ok just laying with you running my fingers over your chest, thanking the heavens that i found such a wonderful man...
YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMIN.
and when i get up, grab my bra and put on my sneakers... don't fucking ask me if i'm ok and expect to get anything other than a flat and monotone "no."
i know walking out without explanation was rude. i might have even fucked up our friendship. but really, now that i think about it... you don't really care... so i should stop. immediately.
...if only it were that easy.
now... most of us come upon people throughout our lives who we find to be on a different playing field then we are- be it in regards to goals, priorities or beliefs... but a certain few decide very early on that no one is at their level except the great thinkers and misunderstood minds of history.
i made the mistake in trying to make out with one of those people.
i know what you're thinking... this doesn't seem like it would be an issue for most people. but, well... most people don't make out the way i do.
i make out with my mind. i am most sexually aroused when my brain is stimulated along with my phermones. if you put me into a one-on-one situation with a guy there really is only one thing that determines my level of lust for him.
his cock size. no... wait. that's not right.
it's how he talks with me. what he talks about. how he expresses himself. what he gets excited about. what he chooses to share with me. vulnerability is like pimp juice to me.
and damnit if these people (mentioned above) can't talk a good game. they actually DO philosophize. wonder about the meaning of it all. and dear momma does that turn me on.
but see... intertwined with all of their talk... they let little pieces of shit slide out of their mouth. demeaning comments. especially if i voice a difference of opinion or play devil's advocate.
my perfect kiss is one in between sentences spoken to and heard from my partner. i want the heat of our conversation to be so intense that the only way to truly experience it is by getting our bodies involved.
i ache for words. pine for them. way more than any hot piece of ass.
but not just any words, you see. i listen. i listen closely. and i remember everything that strikes me as valuable. granted, i am biased in what i consider "of value," but fuck me- it's my brain i can be choosy.
so i hear all of the little filler lines. i read in between them too. don't make generalities around me and expect me not to relate them to myself. don't contradict yourself repeatedly and expect me not to call you on it. and for the love of god if you can't handle me teasing you verbally as well as physically then don't make it so unbearably easy.
i'm finding that more and more men don't want a challenge. they don't want a woman who's mere presence demands acknowledgement and respect.
they want someone to stroke their shaft, tickle their balls and blow up their egos. they want someone who wants to get intimate they way THEY want to get intimate and not any other way.
if i have one more guy tell me that their asshole is an "exit-only" in the same evening that they pull out the astro-glide i'm seriously going to queef in his face.
my point is this. if you actually think that i would sit there with you listening to you ramble on and on as such only to then brush it all off with an "i don't care" "you don't even get what i'm saying" and a "see that's why i don't like to talk about this shit. it just creates drama." and then think that i'll be ok just laying with you running my fingers over your chest, thanking the heavens that i found such a wonderful man...
YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMIN.
and when i get up, grab my bra and put on my sneakers... don't fucking ask me if i'm ok and expect to get anything other than a flat and monotone "no."
i know walking out without explanation was rude. i might have even fucked up our friendship. but really, now that i think about it... you don't really care... so i should stop. immediately.
...if only it were that easy.
Monday, May 17, 2004
The Most Beautiful Moment of the Day... 500 words. No more. No less.
My sports bra was too small. I noticed that I was bouncing around a little more than usual.
We had started out on the quarter mile track just walking. My father knew that I always did a brisk walk once around to warm up my muscles.
I stretched out as best I could with the eyes of the track team noticing that I didn’t warm up “properly.” Dad kept walking around, feeling confident.
“I haven’t been keeping in good health since the surgery, Liz. Maybe now’s the time to start.”
“Well I would be honored to be a part of that new beginning.”
I started on my mile jog. By no means am I a “runner,” but I have been jogging now for about a month. As I lapped him the first time, he held out his hand to take my t-shirt. Human coat rack, he is. The second time I lapped him he handed me some ice cubes to suck on.
On my last lap I noticed him walking counter clockwise around the track. He hurried to get to the halfway mark before I did.
He wanted to run the home stretch with me.
In my excitement, I almost decided not to sprint up at the end like I usually do, just so I could finish with him. But I reconsidered because I wanted to prove to him (and myself) that I was improving.
I heard his keys rattle back and forth with his strides as mine became longer and faster.
And right there.
As my chest burned with every inhale.
With the sweat dropping from my eyebrows and blurring my vision.
Knowing. Hearing.
My Dad.
My 65 year old prostate cancer surviving Dad.
Jogging behind me.
I haven’t felt that good in a long ass time.
…
My watch said 9:17 when I pressed the stop button.
I turned around with my hands at the back of my neck and started back towards my dad. He was still trotting along, clearly winded in his khaki pants and black polo shirt.
As we walked my cool down lap, he told me that he was impressed. And inspired.
“You know, I feel pretty good right now. I know I’ll be feeling it later, but. This could be the start of something. Do you think that Mom would be up for some walking?”
“Yeah… she’s been talking about it as soon as her physical therapy evens out. I’m actually kind of depressed that Mike hasn’t been running with me this last week. It’s been lonely. Thank you so much for coming with me today, Dad.”
It seemed like it wasn’t enough just to thank him.
“We should plan on doing this one evening a week with the whole family. It would be good for all of us, I think.”
“Yeah Dad… I think it would.”
“But listen, Sport in life. There is one thing I think you need to work on for next time.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Get yourself a new bra.”
We had started out on the quarter mile track just walking. My father knew that I always did a brisk walk once around to warm up my muscles.
I stretched out as best I could with the eyes of the track team noticing that I didn’t warm up “properly.” Dad kept walking around, feeling confident.
“I haven’t been keeping in good health since the surgery, Liz. Maybe now’s the time to start.”
“Well I would be honored to be a part of that new beginning.”
I started on my mile jog. By no means am I a “runner,” but I have been jogging now for about a month. As I lapped him the first time, he held out his hand to take my t-shirt. Human coat rack, he is. The second time I lapped him he handed me some ice cubes to suck on.
On my last lap I noticed him walking counter clockwise around the track. He hurried to get to the halfway mark before I did.
He wanted to run the home stretch with me.
In my excitement, I almost decided not to sprint up at the end like I usually do, just so I could finish with him. But I reconsidered because I wanted to prove to him (and myself) that I was improving.
I heard his keys rattle back and forth with his strides as mine became longer and faster.
And right there.
As my chest burned with every inhale.
With the sweat dropping from my eyebrows and blurring my vision.
Knowing. Hearing.
My Dad.
My 65 year old prostate cancer surviving Dad.
Jogging behind me.
I haven’t felt that good in a long ass time.
…
My watch said 9:17 when I pressed the stop button.
I turned around with my hands at the back of my neck and started back towards my dad. He was still trotting along, clearly winded in his khaki pants and black polo shirt.
As we walked my cool down lap, he told me that he was impressed. And inspired.
“You know, I feel pretty good right now. I know I’ll be feeling it later, but. This could be the start of something. Do you think that Mom would be up for some walking?”
“Yeah… she’s been talking about it as soon as her physical therapy evens out. I’m actually kind of depressed that Mike hasn’t been running with me this last week. It’s been lonely. Thank you so much for coming with me today, Dad.”
It seemed like it wasn’t enough just to thank him.
“We should plan on doing this one evening a week with the whole family. It would be good for all of us, I think.”
“Yeah Dad… I think it would.”
“But listen, Sport in life. There is one thing I think you need to work on for next time.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Get yourself a new bra.”
my daughter said to me
while she cried
momma...
you look broken inside
my eyes swelled wide
i looked to the floor
and suddenly
i couldn't speak anymore
she took her hands
and put them over my eyes
she said close them, momma
and try...
to remember what it feels like
to fly...
we used to stand outside
on the roof of our garage
with our arms open wide
and our eyes full of love
we'd stare down at the world below
and hear the wind pick up our hearts
and we'd soar above
all the rain that fell
... but we haven't done that in a while.
while she cried
momma...
you look broken inside
my eyes swelled wide
i looked to the floor
and suddenly
i couldn't speak anymore
she took her hands
and put them over my eyes
she said close them, momma
and try...
to remember what it feels like
to fly...
we used to stand outside
on the roof of our garage
with our arms open wide
and our eyes full of love
we'd stare down at the world below
and hear the wind pick up our hearts
and we'd soar above
all the rain that fell
... but we haven't done that in a while.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
book club news:
ok. i am proud to announce that there are at least THREE people reading this month's book IN ADDITION to myself. this makes me very happy. so kisses to all of you.
being that we are in our final week before the due date, i wanted to see when would be the preferred time for us to have our online meeting. i thought that sunday evenings would be easy for everyone, but if that is not the case i have no problem changing.
let's pick a date between sunday the 23rd and the following sunday (the 30th).
i'd also like to see if anyone had a piece of writing (be it a review or a spin off or anything having to do with the book) that they would like to be featured on the book club page. if not, that's ok... i've got plenty of ideas. but i want to offer that up. you can even add stuff after we have our meeting... there is no real rush on that one.
holla!
being that we are in our final week before the due date, i wanted to see when would be the preferred time for us to have our online meeting. i thought that sunday evenings would be easy for everyone, but if that is not the case i have no problem changing.
let's pick a date between sunday the 23rd and the following sunday (the 30th).
i'd also like to see if anyone had a piece of writing (be it a review or a spin off or anything having to do with the book) that they would like to be featured on the book club page. if not, that's ok... i've got plenty of ideas. but i want to offer that up. you can even add stuff after we have our meeting... there is no real rush on that one.
holla!
eh. nothing new here.
this past friday evening i officially made an ass out of myself in front of a group of people from my starbux days. more specifically... my muddy branch starbux days.
you know how it works... you enter a new relationship and suddenly his friends are now your friends. or you'd better pray that they like you and accept you or you might as well start the crying and breakuping without wasting your time.
after this particular relationship ended, clearly, my place in the group was just as a cameo recurring role that had it's run and now it was onto bigger (literally) and better (yeah right) things.
anyway... i had managed to remain a sort of "high point" in the relationship career of my ex. at least. until yesterday.
while i have no regrets about my behavior OR my outfit... i do have a sense of foreboding nastiness with this whole thing. but then again i am paranoid and hyperly aware and i think way too much (not my choice in words, but i've heard it enough that i'm starting to believe it) so this really could be nothing.
people are just not like me.
and the disappointment of this realization is beyond expression.
it seems like everyone is well aware and accepting of faults and flaws and mistakes... but only certain kinds.
my kinds are just too much i suppose. HEY! maybe THAT could be my claim to fame. my powerful, thought-provoking, heart-wrentching flaws.
tragic hero looks good for a job title right about now. but that takes hubris. who am i kidding... this will work out nicely.
i can start tomorrow.
you know how it works... you enter a new relationship and suddenly his friends are now your friends. or you'd better pray that they like you and accept you or you might as well start the crying and breakuping without wasting your time.
after this particular relationship ended, clearly, my place in the group was just as a cameo recurring role that had it's run and now it was onto bigger (literally) and better (yeah right) things.
anyway... i had managed to remain a sort of "high point" in the relationship career of my ex. at least. until yesterday.
while i have no regrets about my behavior OR my outfit... i do have a sense of foreboding nastiness with this whole thing. but then again i am paranoid and hyperly aware and i think way too much (not my choice in words, but i've heard it enough that i'm starting to believe it) so this really could be nothing.
people are just not like me.
and the disappointment of this realization is beyond expression.
it seems like everyone is well aware and accepting of faults and flaws and mistakes... but only certain kinds.
my kinds are just too much i suppose. HEY! maybe THAT could be my claim to fame. my powerful, thought-provoking, heart-wrentching flaws.
tragic hero looks good for a job title right about now. but that takes hubris. who am i kidding... this will work out nicely.
i can start tomorrow.
you said you'd always be there for me
well then
where the hell have you been
where'd you go
why did you leave me all alone
did you not mean what you said
does anyone ever really mean it
do words mean
anything
to anyone other than me
what about
i love you
or how about
i love you too?
do words mean
anything
to anyone other than me
it seems like the only ones that do
are the ones you
don't say
don't say it
don't say that one exception
i honestly don't know why
the only word that you ever said to me
that meant something
was when you said
good bye
Friday, May 14, 2004
my level of depression has changed.
it hasn't "risen" or moved up on the scale or anything... because it's not that i am withdrawing more or smiling less or anything like that. it's just different.
somewhere along the lines i became secretly comforted with the idea that i am special. that i have something great inside of me to give. and not in an ego boosting "i'm all that" sort of way... just a quiet feeling of love and safety. that no matter what, somehow my light would shine through to at least one person. and that it would change my life.
i have accepted that there are no more original ideas. that everything has been done before. but it excites me that the importance is not in being the first. it's simply being. i don't care that thousands of people have fallen in love. it won't make it any less when i do it. because it will be mine. the same goes for writing. and any sort of creating.
but that feeling isn't strong anymore. i'm scared that maybe i was just fooling myself.
i'm in a rut. hardcore. super dooper hardcore. and i know i'm the only one who can get me out of it.
i'm frustrated that ican't won't keep a job.
i'm more frustrated that my number of hits is going up... but the lack of participation has not improved.
i'm even more frustrated that i am not submitting my writing anywhere.
but i'm the most frustrated that i'm not growing. it's been a whole year since i graduated and i feel like i'm in the same place, only with less money and less people to hang out with.
it's like i'm too afraid to get started.
more like... i don't know how to get started.
it hasn't "risen" or moved up on the scale or anything... because it's not that i am withdrawing more or smiling less or anything like that. it's just different.
somewhere along the lines i became secretly comforted with the idea that i am special. that i have something great inside of me to give. and not in an ego boosting "i'm all that" sort of way... just a quiet feeling of love and safety. that no matter what, somehow my light would shine through to at least one person. and that it would change my life.
i have accepted that there are no more original ideas. that everything has been done before. but it excites me that the importance is not in being the first. it's simply being. i don't care that thousands of people have fallen in love. it won't make it any less when i do it. because it will be mine. the same goes for writing. and any sort of creating.
but that feeling isn't strong anymore. i'm scared that maybe i was just fooling myself.
i'm in a rut. hardcore. super dooper hardcore. and i know i'm the only one who can get me out of it.
i'm frustrated that i
i'm more frustrated that my number of hits is going up... but the lack of participation has not improved.
i'm even more frustrated that i am not submitting my writing anywhere.
but i'm the most frustrated that i'm not growing. it's been a whole year since i graduated and i feel like i'm in the same place, only with less money and less people to hang out with.
it's like i'm too afraid to get started.
more like... i don't know how to get started.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
we've gotten used to
so i've been musically idle since the Arizona Incident. i'm kinda pissed at myself for letting that whole situation crush my spirit... but i can't go back and change that so let's not go there.
so anyway, after hearing about kristi's musical journey... and toying with the idea of singing with justin's band even though they are 3 hours away... and hearing from nat for the first time in a long time, being ashamed that when he asked me if i was still singing all i could say was "in the shower"... i decided that enough was enough.
so i went through some of my old stuff and found this little beauty.
here is the original acapella recording of that snippet. i apologize for the excellent quality of the recording and my voice. ahem.
and well... then i searched the lyrics on my hard drive and found that i had expanded the thing into a whole song. granted, it's just like any other run-of-the-mill sad love song... but it's a song.
i took karma's hint and recorded a new acapella version.
any instrumental musicians who might be interested in formulating the music for this piece, hit me up and i'll send you the new wav. that also goes for anyone who just wants to hear a longer, raw recording of my voice.
sorry i don't have a MP3 converter thing. i'll take recommendations on downloading a free one too if you have any.
being that i don't have any experience working with a band, or singing with a mic (chorus throughout my entire existence does not count)... i figured that the best way for me to get started is putting some of my stuff out there for people to hear. then maybe i'll find a group of people who might wanna work with me.
this is where you all say good luck.
so anyway, after hearing about kristi's musical journey... and toying with the idea of singing with justin's band even though they are 3 hours away... and hearing from nat for the first time in a long time, being ashamed that when he asked me if i was still singing all i could say was "in the shower"... i decided that enough was enough.
so i went through some of my old stuff and found this little beauty.
here is the original acapella recording of that snippet. i apologize for the excellent quality of the recording and my voice. ahem.
and well... then i searched the lyrics on my hard drive and found that i had expanded the thing into a whole song. granted, it's just like any other run-of-the-mill sad love song... but it's a song.
positioned just perfectly
so that i could see him
but he couldn't see me
i've grown accustomed to
playing the part that i do
i've gotten used to
not being the one that goes home with you
i didn't even know
that he had come around again
but every time he goes
my heart flips upside down again
i feel the love creep
out of his eyes
gazing into hers
instead of mine
it's just the way he holds her hand
and how he silently stares
i just don't understand
why i still care
positioned just perfectly
so that i could see him
but he couldn't see me
you've gotten used to
avoiding my stares
and you've gotten used to
me always being there
i didn't even know
that he had come around again
but every time he goes
my heart flips upside down again
i feel the love creep
out of his eyes
gazing into hers
instead of mine
it's just the way he holds her hand
and how he silently stares
i just don't understand
why i still care
and now...
you can just see
he loves her so much
but what...
what about me
wasn't i enough?
i took karma's hint and recorded a new acapella version.
any instrumental musicians who might be interested in formulating the music for this piece, hit me up and i'll send you the new wav. that also goes for anyone who just wants to hear a longer, raw recording of my voice.
sorry i don't have a MP3 converter thing. i'll take recommendations on downloading a free one too if you have any.
being that i don't have any experience working with a band, or singing with a mic (chorus throughout my entire existence does not count)... i figured that the best way for me to get started is putting some of my stuff out there for people to hear. then maybe i'll find a group of people who might wanna work with me.
this is where you all say good luck.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
surprise, surprise...
What Color is Your Brain?
brought to you by Quizilla
At work or in school: I like to be with people, sharing with them, inspiring them, and helping them. I work and learn best when I can take into consideration people and the human element. I flourish in an atmosphere of cooperation.
With friends: I always look for perfect love. I am very romantic, and I enjoy doing thoughtful things for others. I am affectionate, supportive and a good listener.
With family: I like to be happy and loving. I am very sensitive to rejection from my family and to family conflicts. I really like to be well thought of and need frequent reassurance. I love intimate talks and warm feelings.
and what's this? stolen from a new enchantress? mmn hmmn.
a lot is happening
in the internet world... and i have somehow managed to get a little more than slightly off-track.
i don't know what is happening with me right now, but i assure you, my absence has been a cloudy one that i could only wish was brought on by drugs.
i am now unemployed again. after a weekend that went from lame to orgasmic to hurtful to resentful... i am feeling crazy with confusion.
side note: the orgasmic part was my winterguard banquet on saturday. the two pics of the moment are of my girls and i and my paper plate award. such a good time!
anyway.
my parents are blessings.
they have saved me. just when i thought i was beyond saving.
they have given me one month. one month to make some steps into the direction that i want to go in. mind you, i did not say the "right" direction. as always, they give me total discretion on my affairs.
lump sums of money rarely fall into my hands and so this one is glowing with possibility and love. i don't really care to go into full detail about this, so just sit confused... all that matters is that it's game time again. and this quarter i won't be stressing over penalties... so my concentration will focus on the upcoming plays.
...
i watched the order today. hence the new heading for this page. there are a lot of people who didn't enjoy this movie... and i know the reviews were not that hot either. but oh my... i devoured this film.
and not because heath ledger is my ideal physical, sexual type either. on the contrary... the character that i became enthralled with was William Eden... played by Benno Farmann:
this man's eyes. holy cow. not in the oh baby you're so hot i'm captivated by you sort of way, though. it was the character. the knowledge behind the eyes. his mannerisms. the whole storyline and concept behind this "sin eater"- just enchanting.
i can't shake the thoughts. and i don't want to. at all.
...
onto the other, more tangible orgasmic experience i had this weekend. the dirt that i so desperately ache to be more than just a friendly romp. sigh.
sunday night popped my cherry.
... my Sopranos cherry, dearies, don't worry!! hehe. then we cuddled. like old times. on his burnt yellowish-tan couch. massages serving as the main focus. hands. hands. hands. did i mention his hands?
the morning made for lovely chitchat with his little brother and his cat. sometimes i think i fell for the wrong sibling. probably safer that way, though... little ricker-bawker would probably have left me broken.
but damn how i want to be broken... it would explain this constant desire to fix myself.
either way it was a lovely way to remember what a pleasant casual hook-up felt like. haven't had one of those since... well. you know.
yes, drummer jerk is still poking his nose in my business and won't let me purge him from my daydreams. but at least i have stopped setting myself up for hurt from him.
...
i do NOT want to end my thoughts for this evening with that unintentional bastard. i had a really good day. am well into the book club book... groceries... i baked and cooked... Suspect Red and i had a lovely time...
OH YEA!! my jog!
doode, i made history today. i have been running/walking regularly (instead of just "whenever") for about a month now. and for the first time today i did the whole distance without walking!!
damn that felt good. yes. i feel good. fingers crossed that this continues for a while.
i don't know what is happening with me right now, but i assure you, my absence has been a cloudy one that i could only wish was brought on by drugs.
i am now unemployed again. after a weekend that went from lame to orgasmic to hurtful to resentful... i am feeling crazy with confusion.
side note: the orgasmic part was my winterguard banquet on saturday. the two pics of the moment are of my girls and i and my paper plate award. such a good time!
anyway.
my parents are blessings.
they have saved me. just when i thought i was beyond saving.
they have given me one month. one month to make some steps into the direction that i want to go in. mind you, i did not say the "right" direction. as always, they give me total discretion on my affairs.
lump sums of money rarely fall into my hands and so this one is glowing with possibility and love. i don't really care to go into full detail about this, so just sit confused... all that matters is that it's game time again. and this quarter i won't be stressing over penalties... so my concentration will focus on the upcoming plays.
...
i watched the order today. hence the new heading for this page. there are a lot of people who didn't enjoy this movie... and i know the reviews were not that hot either. but oh my... i devoured this film.
and not because heath ledger is my ideal physical, sexual type either. on the contrary... the character that i became enthralled with was William Eden... played by Benno Farmann:
this man's eyes. holy cow. not in the oh baby you're so hot i'm captivated by you sort of way, though. it was the character. the knowledge behind the eyes. his mannerisms. the whole storyline and concept behind this "sin eater"- just enchanting.
i can't shake the thoughts. and i don't want to. at all.
...
onto the other, more tangible orgasmic experience i had this weekend. the dirt that i so desperately ache to be more than just a friendly romp. sigh.
sunday night popped my cherry.
... my Sopranos cherry, dearies, don't worry!! hehe. then we cuddled. like old times. on his burnt yellowish-tan couch. massages serving as the main focus. hands. hands. hands. did i mention his hands?
the morning made for lovely chitchat with his little brother and his cat. sometimes i think i fell for the wrong sibling. probably safer that way, though... little ricker-bawker would probably have left me broken.
but damn how i want to be broken... it would explain this constant desire to fix myself.
either way it was a lovely way to remember what a pleasant casual hook-up felt like. haven't had one of those since... well. you know.
yes, drummer jerk is still poking his nose in my business and won't let me purge him from my daydreams. but at least i have stopped setting myself up for hurt from him.
...
i do NOT want to end my thoughts for this evening with that unintentional bastard. i had a really good day. am well into the book club book... groceries... i baked and cooked... Suspect Red and i had a lovely time...
OH YEA!! my jog!
doode, i made history today. i have been running/walking regularly (instead of just "whenever") for about a month now. and for the first time today i did the whole distance without walking!!
damn that felt good. yes. i feel good. fingers crossed that this continues for a while.
Friday, May 07, 2004
she's back!
the vixen is at it again!
... at least temporarily. no more questions are coming in.
but the whole section has been revamped, so you should check it out. rogan even has her own email now so if yer afraid of my nose in your business that is no longer an issue.
let me know what you think!
... at least temporarily. no more questions are coming in.
but the whole section has been revamped, so you should check it out. rogan even has her own email now so if yer afraid of my nose in your business that is no longer an issue.
let me know what you think!
the contest is over.
It's because I'm not in love.
Not even BS love. There is no infatuations, crushes or far away dreams.
Right now... I am without fantasy.
I can't even get off when I masturbate. I am well passed sexually frustrated and have landed in the middle of a sort of a-sexual ignorance thing.
Suspect it right... the same old people and the same old hang-ups are all I have to analyze and romanticize.
My only issue right now is that of money. I am over $500 in the red right now and the pot is growing steadily. The new job is not working out and I will have to find another. The cash is not coming in and the power-struggle drama is a lot worse than I thought. Two days in and I'm already on the hit list.
Not exactly inspiring.
My mother is doing extraordinarily well... things with the fam could not be better. My two colorguards are about to have tryouts and the new seasons look promising.
I'm not in a bad place. I'm just in a very unmagical one.
Keep your fingers crossed that this passes quickly. And if anyone has any interest in finding me an object of fantasy... please feel free. I'll even go on blind dates... but it should be noted that I have to be one of those girls who doesn't pay because... well... the no income thing.
Yeah.
So, Suspect... I give you your reward:
It's called: "The Questions We Secretly Share..."
Why am I something to be afraid of?
Why am I someone you don't think of...
Like that?
Why is my passion so intimidating?
Why are my opinions so infuriating?
Why is my heartbeat the only one escalating?
Why doesn't anyone ever feel it as deep as I do?
And i guess, most importantly...
Why isn't it you??
And contrary to popular belief... this poem is not about my lesbian love for MariB. I just think about the two of us and all of our bittersweet boy escapades... and it makes me hope that someday all these questions will be answered by men that maybe we haven't met yet.
Not even BS love. There is no infatuations, crushes or far away dreams.
Right now... I am without fantasy.
I can't even get off when I masturbate. I am well passed sexually frustrated and have landed in the middle of a sort of a-sexual ignorance thing.
Suspect it right... the same old people and the same old hang-ups are all I have to analyze and romanticize.
My only issue right now is that of money. I am over $500 in the red right now and the pot is growing steadily. The new job is not working out and I will have to find another. The cash is not coming in and the power-struggle drama is a lot worse than I thought. Two days in and I'm already on the hit list.
Not exactly inspiring.
My mother is doing extraordinarily well... things with the fam could not be better. My two colorguards are about to have tryouts and the new seasons look promising.
I'm not in a bad place. I'm just in a very unmagical one.
Keep your fingers crossed that this passes quickly. And if anyone has any interest in finding me an object of fantasy... please feel free. I'll even go on blind dates... but it should be noted that I have to be one of those girls who doesn't pay because... well... the no income thing.
Yeah.
So, Suspect... I give you your reward:
It's called: "The Questions We Secretly Share..."
Why am I something to be afraid of?
Why am I someone you don't think of...
Like that?
Why is my passion so intimidating?
Why are my opinions so infuriating?
Why is my heartbeat the only one escalating?
Why doesn't anyone ever feel it as deep as I do?
And i guess, most importantly...
Why isn't it you??
And contrary to popular belief... this poem is not about my lesbian love for MariB. I just think about the two of us and all of our bittersweet boy escapades... and it makes me hope that someday all these questions will be answered by men that maybe we haven't met yet.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
my raindrops.
my raindrops tip toe across eyelashes and follow the creases made by miles down cheeks.
they splash on fingertips attached to hands on the arms waving deliciously outside, challenging the storm.
they float on whispers spoken in the evening from lips drowned by chapstick and saliva not belonging to their own mouth.
they sparkle through broken light bulbs, burnt out long ago by the constant change of a flickering switch.
they journey through the walls minds put up around hearts too fragile to weather anymore hurt.
they slowly break through promises that are made without the intent to keep at all.
and they collect in the corners where they think no one will see them... but i do.
i always do.
they splash on fingertips attached to hands on the arms waving deliciously outside, challenging the storm.
they float on whispers spoken in the evening from lips drowned by chapstick and saliva not belonging to their own mouth.
they sparkle through broken light bulbs, burnt out long ago by the constant change of a flickering switch.
they journey through the walls minds put up around hearts too fragile to weather anymore hurt.
they slowly break through promises that are made without the intent to keep at all.
and they collect in the corners where they think no one will see them... but i do.
i always do.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
cinco de mayo.
fiesta fiesta!
lime wedges take shelter at the bottom of corona bottles
for fear of ending up between
the teeth of a customer.
lime wedges take shelter at the bottom of corona bottles
for fear of ending up between
the teeth of a customer.
contest:
I was told that my posts are becoming less and less about me. One might think that this is strategery for getting my readers up. Apparently the less personal and cryptic you make your posts, the more people will want to read you.
But personal and cryptic are two adjectives that my being would not be complete without.
That being said, I have a theory on why my posts are lacking in the syrupy venom they used to be soaked in.
Any guesses?
If you get it right, I’ll write you a poem.
But personal and cryptic are two adjectives that my being would not be complete without.
That being said, I have a theory on why my posts are lacking in the syrupy venom they used to be soaked in.
Any guesses?
If you get it right, I’ll write you a poem.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
in rhythm.
I bring in the funk
That you tried to push out the back door
I fill in the holes
That you tried to punch out of his heart
I tie up all the loose ends and send them back to you
Tied up real pretty like
In a bow
We used to sit in the dark and tell stories about what we thought the world should be like.
You tried to braid my hair but your fingers never quite got the rhythm
The rhythm
In the starz I used to count from my window
As I listened to the wind chimes clanking along in the backyard
Whenever I cried myself to sleep
Didn’t we all have so many nights like that where we felt so much solitude?
Don’t we still sing those smothered songs of tears into the ears of our pillows?
Even those of us with a heart beating next to them quietly in bed
Always in rhythm
But the funk changes from that of nasty, wet sex
To that of the cold and jagged stares from empty eyes that used to be emerald
Eyes that used to shine at the sight of pink hearts and dandelions
But we are all just weeds now
Growing wildly
But going nowhere
Secretly hoping that the lawn mower will slice us up
And that the sun will serve us up fried and burnt
Black ashes now do ballet in the breeze
Instead of silver metal tap dancing all over the faces of those trying to blow us away
I’ll blow you away
But pull you back inside
In rhythm
Always in rhythm.
That you tried to push out the back door
I fill in the holes
That you tried to punch out of his heart
I tie up all the loose ends and send them back to you
Tied up real pretty like
In a bow
We used to sit in the dark and tell stories about what we thought the world should be like.
You tried to braid my hair but your fingers never quite got the rhythm
The rhythm
In the starz I used to count from my window
As I listened to the wind chimes clanking along in the backyard
Whenever I cried myself to sleep
Didn’t we all have so many nights like that where we felt so much solitude?
Don’t we still sing those smothered songs of tears into the ears of our pillows?
Even those of us with a heart beating next to them quietly in bed
Always in rhythm
But the funk changes from that of nasty, wet sex
To that of the cold and jagged stares from empty eyes that used to be emerald
Eyes that used to shine at the sight of pink hearts and dandelions
But we are all just weeds now
Growing wildly
But going nowhere
Secretly hoping that the lawn mower will slice us up
And that the sun will serve us up fried and burnt
Black ashes now do ballet in the breeze
Instead of silver metal tap dancing all over the faces of those trying to blow us away
I’ll blow you away
But pull you back inside
In rhythm
Always in rhythm.
so i started my new jobbie job job today.
nothing too exciting, folks... i'm just serving right now at a local sports bar. pool tables. live music, karaoke and the like.
it is kind of crazy though... the general manager was fired before i was officially put in the system. and since he was the only one who talked to me about everything, when i came in to train this morning no one knew who the fuck i was or what i was doing there. the bartenders helped me out right away and are my new best friends. my trainer was awesome too. one of those hot blonde happy girls who you can't hate because they are so damn nice. the kitchen staff all speak spanish... and dealing with them is already proving to be absolutely hilarious.
on one hand it's cool not really having a boss. but i won't lie to you and say i'm not nervous about the potential drama in this situation. there are no RULES. i smell a major power struggle comin this-a-way.
but for now i'm going to stay the hell out of it and just learn how to do this job as well as i'm able. i need to make some cash. i'm going to ride this wave as far as i can. get as many pointers and contacts as possible before it all crashes.
so for those of you in the area who want to drop a big tip... holla!
it is kind of crazy though... the general manager was fired before i was officially put in the system. and since he was the only one who talked to me about everything, when i came in to train this morning no one knew who the fuck i was or what i was doing there. the bartenders helped me out right away and are my new best friends. my trainer was awesome too. one of those hot blonde happy girls who you can't hate because they are so damn nice. the kitchen staff all speak spanish... and dealing with them is already proving to be absolutely hilarious.
on one hand it's cool not really having a boss. but i won't lie to you and say i'm not nervous about the potential drama in this situation. there are no RULES. i smell a major power struggle comin this-a-way.
but for now i'm going to stay the hell out of it and just learn how to do this job as well as i'm able. i need to make some cash. i'm going to ride this wave as far as i can. get as many pointers and contacts as possible before it all crashes.
so for those of you in the area who want to drop a big tip... holla!
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Featured Writer #4
here is the opportunity for you all too lazy to send her an email to make comments on this post about her writing.
sexually frustrated? walk it off ...
so today i participated in the 2004 Bay Bridge Walk. my elbows got sunburned. i don't really know how to describe this experience. and i don't really want to. let's just say that i've got the bug and plan on doing the national care for kids walk-a-thon in august too.
then i went to the montpelier mansion for their spring festival.
it was a lot of walking. and THEN i topped all of that off with cleaning the bathroom and 2 hours of yardwork. my legs are pleasantly jello-ified right now. i was very productive today, come to think of it. i even remembered my sit ups.
it was the coolest thing trimming the bushes in the front yard with the "tut tut, it looks like rain" sky looming overhead. and there is just something about powertools... the hum of the electric hedge trimmer... the ominous breeze... the clouds welling up inside, promising to let their tears fall as soon as they can't hold them back anymore.
the neighborhood was missing the swarms of children running around. clearly kept pent up inside by their parents. it was almost like a ghost town. i sat on my upper deck, covered with pollen polka dots, with a glass of lemonade. it was getting too cold to be wearing a tank top. i looked out at the playground and imagined playing on it, screaming "neener neener! i'm outside and you aren't" to all the kids with their noses pressed up to their windows. instead i just sat there and my thoughts traveled to a time when i engaged in another type of "play" on a playground back in high school. i haven't been naughty in public since a midnight drive to the eastern shore back in october.
i feel like that's too long.
what is it about the smell of rain that just makes you feel so dangerous?
i came inside and took the best cold shower of my LIFE. i totally had an herbal essence moment... only with finesse instead. and without the orgasm.
but it was still cool.
i don't know where i was going with this. so i'm done. werd 'em up.
then i went to the montpelier mansion for their spring festival.
it was a lot of walking. and THEN i topped all of that off with cleaning the bathroom and 2 hours of yardwork. my legs are pleasantly jello-ified right now. i was very productive today, come to think of it. i even remembered my sit ups.
it was the coolest thing trimming the bushes in the front yard with the "tut tut, it looks like rain" sky looming overhead. and there is just something about powertools... the hum of the electric hedge trimmer... the ominous breeze... the clouds welling up inside, promising to let their tears fall as soon as they can't hold them back anymore.
the neighborhood was missing the swarms of children running around. clearly kept pent up inside by their parents. it was almost like a ghost town. i sat on my upper deck, covered with pollen polka dots, with a glass of lemonade. it was getting too cold to be wearing a tank top. i looked out at the playground and imagined playing on it, screaming "neener neener! i'm outside and you aren't" to all the kids with their noses pressed up to their windows. instead i just sat there and my thoughts traveled to a time when i engaged in another type of "play" on a playground back in high school. i haven't been naughty in public since a midnight drive to the eastern shore back in october.
i feel like that's too long.
what is it about the smell of rain that just makes you feel so dangerous?
i came inside and took the best cold shower of my LIFE. i totally had an herbal essence moment... only with finesse instead. and without the orgasm.
but it was still cool.
i don't know where i was going with this. so i'm done. werd 'em up.
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