i miss my david. ::frown::

so winter break is a big time for movies. i watched this one tonight.

Donny Darko.

very cool. freaky ass website.

fine fine fine!!

i know, i know... a few of you have been pressuring me to update. well i was taking a break from the blogging world. the holidays are a very family-oriented time for me... unlike those of you who retreat to your rooms and fart away the day on your computer to avoid interaction with your bloods. anywho... let's see... what's been going on that is kind of important...

well... got rehired at starbux. i start monday. woot.

i did the mewwy cwismiss thing. good times.

fantasized about my cousin's new husband... and then proceeded to feel bad about it all evening.

did a lot of PS2 playing with the bro. i really dig tekken 4. jin is my man.

cleaned and arranged my new living quarters. spent a lot of time in the kitchen. i don't understand how they live this way.

haven't worn a bra for 2 days straight. being the borderline C/D that i am... this cannot be good for my back.

i saw When Harry Met Sally for the first time ever. left me speechless and glowing.

thought about making more of an effort to have a romantic social life. i mean... i think i need to take a more pro-active approach to this... at least cure some of my frustrations obviously visible through the previously stated fantasies.

you know... more of the same old shit. there ya go, people... one hell of a juicy blog. yum. goodnight.

Happy Burfday, Daddy!

so yesterday was my daddy's 64th burfday. we are celebrating it today, however, with a trip to see the rings and then dinner. but what is interesting is that instead of me giving him a present today... he gave me one.

he's talking to me again.

and now i can honestly say to everyone... Happy Holidays!

to alley and sammy

two bigger hearts
i have yet to come across

strength that humbles my own
and a drive that leaves me in the dust

but somehow I urge myself to press on
only armed with the idea of sharing something with them

hope is alive
I can see it in their eyes
love is rampant
they hold it in their hands

they are the reason I want to sing.
with them I feel like I have something to bring
to the table

so open and accepting
their love and appreciation without even knowing
how the thought of their smiles can get me through a day.
and how i sometimes i don't even have to say

... thank you.

smack my ass and call me sweetheart.
i hate unisexual nick names that have lost their novelty...

beginnings

so this here is a little ditty that jaystar and i came up with last night. the lyrics are very pretty and cheesy, but the song is beautiful (thanks to his gheetar playin).

Waterfall:

But I'm afraid that if I crashed into you
that you wouldn't crash back
And I'm afraid that if I went the distance
you wouldn't meet me there
I'm afraid that if I sang all my love songs to you
that you wouldn't hear me

And we would fall just like everyone else in
every other love story they tell

And it would all be all right
and we would stare off into the bright, starry night

It would be simple; perfect
just like how they said it would be

I'd wear purple, sun-swept
eyes that weren't me

And we would fall just like everyone else in
every other love story they tell

But I don't want it to be
something so easily
Packaged, labelled and sent out
for everyone to see

I don't want it to be the same
as what I read
and listened to

And we would fall just like everyone else in
every other love story they tell

And so instead, I'm not going to crash into you
I'll just hold your hand
So instead, I'll go the distance
but not the one that we planned
And even though I'm afraid that you'll hear me, I will still sing this
love song to you....

times of crisis can really help remind you how many wonderful people you know.

and now...

to top liz's semester off...

she won't be getting paid until january 10th!!!

AND

her car broke down this morning!!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

AIM love.

so in continuing with the "ijustgotrejectedfromtheboyihavebeeninfatuatedwithoverthelastmonthandahalfpleasehugme" saga... i thought i'd share some of the conversations that i have had over the past few days that have made me smile. These have all obviously been editted to protect the guilty.

Christmas Confessions:

i'm sorry everyone... i have been keeping some things from you this past month or so. but with my returning to G'burg and the end of the semester... this saga has come to an end. Alley sent me a wonderful email full of things for me to keep in mind... but one quote hit me in particular.

It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said - gently - that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born - and that this something needs for you to be distracted so it can be born as perfectly as possible.

-Anne Lamott

i'm not going to lie to myself. this semester has been one of insane challenges and new situations for me. my entire college experience has been one of great change, drama and sadness. and no, i'm not doing one of those pity party things... i am keeping in mind the essence of that passage. throughout all of this work, stress and nastiness... i have learned and grown a lot. i have made a ton of progress in becoming the woman i want to be. and well, i think that this big, lovely thing that is being born...

is me.

without everything that has been going on... without moving around so much, without commuting all those semesters, without working with orientation, without all my family problems, without all of my lost and loved friends... i wouldn't be who i am. i wouldn't believe or want or love the things that i do.

i somehow manage to distract myself with my life just enough that when i turn around and look at myself i still seem to find something new and wonderful that makes me proud to be who i am.

most recently... the new and wonderful thing was that i got up enough courage to tell my exroommate that i have been uncomfortable around him because i had developed more-than-friend feelings for him. i always knew in the back of my mind that it wouldn't work out... but that didn't matter. i still wanted him to know.
and yeah, it didn't work out- but i was honest and i had enough faith in myself and our friendship that things would be ok no matter what. of course... i had my meltdown, i had my tears, and i had the support system of what seemed like billions of friends who were there for me and proud of me for going through with it.

i had fallen in love with the idea of him... and the idea of being with someone again. it didn't help that i saw him ALL of the time and that he is an extremely flirty and adorable guy who always seemed to know just what to do to make me laugh and feel special.

sigh. loneliness can do crazy things to you.

and yeah... i still love him to death and i will always carry a piece of him around in my heart, but i also know that he isn't the one for me. i knew that from the get go. but i looked passed all of the BLATANT reasons why we wouldn't work together because i wanted that happiness so bad. i wanted that magic. and i created it in my brain.

i'm just thankful that he didn't quirk out and act like a dick to me. he came pretty damn close... but a very special friend of mine came to his rescue. i owe that special someone a big hug.

sorry, i know i am still being vague... but going back and recounting everything that happened throughout all of this would be too draining and you all really don't need to know all that. plus... i already did it once. heh. just not on paper.

anyways... now that school is over... and i'm back at my momz place... and i don't have a 24/7 distraction in the form of four wonderful men wandering around (only one- and my brother doesn't really count- even though he is pretty damn hot)... my page is going to be paid a little bit more attention. i have already gotten a few responses to the featured writer idea, and i shall try to implement that before Xmas. i would also like to put up more of my own writing and get some of my lyrics up here after jason and i have worked on them more. so yeah, don't start slacking because you are all going home for the holidays... you still need your daily dose of lizzie goodness.

My First Featured Writer:

I couldn't resist. Stephanie Johnson has written a beautiful piece on one of the greatest topics ever, and I feel as though it is my duty to share this with my readers. Did I mention that she is an amazing person, and a frightfully wonderous diva as well? This has made me think about having a featured writer or something to that effect every once in a while... so if you have a desire to share something with me, please drop me an email or shout out.

But for now... on with the show.

Close your eyes and picture yourself thumbing through the racks at your favorite store -- unfolding, refolding and unfolding again numerous pairs of jeans -- praying to find that “perfect size”. Many women, myself included, suffer through the ritual torture that is seasonal wardrobe augmentation, or in laymen’s terms, the clearance sale at Old Navy. As if competing with other women to get that last red v-neck sweater is not enough, we women also must also deal with the Battle of the Bulge. And you, my friend, with said sweater in hand, are headed right towards ground zero of the battle – the fitting room. Inside the fitting room many sounds can be heard: the cheers of victory of finally wearing a size smaller, or the agony of defeat, realizing that you’re not a size X anymore. How many of us go into the fitting room with multiple sizes of clothes: the size that you used to wear, the size that you think you are now and the size you wished you could be. But what is it about trying on clothing that makes American women petrified?

Fat. Belly, tummy, gut, love handles stomach fat, leg fat, butt fat, back fat, feet fat, arm fat, and in my case, even neck fat. Every woman on this planet has body fat. We may have hundreds of ways of hiding it, but we all have it. It’s just that some have more than others. I have more fat than my co-worker who just ran a marathon and she has more fat than my other friend who is a dancer, but none of us are “fat”. So what is the exact definition of being “fat”? Why is it seen as acceptable for women to have flabby arms but not a flabby belly? What is it about a flabby belly on a woman that makes her unattractive to American eyes? Why is that some cultures adore stomach fat on women while other cultures are absolutely repulsed by it - developing machines, pills, workout tapes, liquid diets and anything else to eliminate it? In order to answer these questions we have to look at not only the history of stomach fat, but also how we get it and why some women have more of it than others.

All humans, no matter their age, size, or shape have body fat. Always have, always will. We all have a little extra fat to tide us over in case of a food shortage. (Think bears eating up for the long winter). Among our ancestors, in a time far, far away, it was those who could put on the most fat that were able to survive during famine in order to populate the world and make you and me. As a result of our efforts, women have more body fat than men, especially in the stomach area, in order to stay alive during food shortages and feed her baby. Once the male has planted the seed, he’s no longer necessary. (Sorry fellas!) Therefore, he does not need to develop much fat in the tummy area. (Sadly, the dawn of Budweiser changed this forever.) According to writer Merilyn Simonds, a quarter of the fat in humans come from inherited genes. So already, some people would have inherited more stomach fat from their ancestors.

Other than inheritance, there are many other ways that people collect belly fat:
leading a sedentary lifestyle, being genetically pre-disposed to it, having physical problems that do not allow you to exercise that area of your body (low back pains) taking medications that makes you produce less fat-burning hormones to eating large quantities of chili burgers, cheese steaks and snacky cake. Being children of the 80s, we are all too familiar with the many products out there that are designed to help us “lose weight and feel great!” But if all of these products worked in the long run, why are there more “overweight” people in America than “healthy” people? The answer is simple; there is no diet or exercise program that will work for everyone. Every individual person has his or her own biological characteristics. Therefore, finding the miracle pill that works for everyone really would be a miracle!

Since everyone has their own biological characteristics of how they are supposed to be, what is the exact definition of “being fat?” Normally when we talk about “being fat” we are really talking about being overweight, or obese. Obesity is a serious health condition which many people need to seek profession help for. But having “excess” body fat alone is not considered healthy. Simonds quotes blood-lipid specialist Jean-Pierre Despres who wants people “[to] see how obesity has to be redefined. It is not a matter of excess weight.” He then goes on to say that it is not the outside fat that we should be worry about, “not the subcutaneous fat that is on your thighs.” Unfortunately, we cannot see the fat that surrounds the organs just by looking at one another. Therefore, it is unfair to stigmatize someone who has love handles as fat, lazy and unhealthy.

Technically speaking, the healthy range of body fat for a woman is 25%. You need at least 17% percent to start your menstrual cycle and 22% to continue having your cycle on a regular basis (“Low Body Weight”). While 22-25% may seem like a lot, this is necessary to maintain fertility. Without this quarter of body fat that all women inherited from our ancestors, women would be unable to reproduce. Therefore, in order to maintain health, some body fat is needed.

Besides, many cultures around the worlds feel that “fat” can sometimes add to a woman’s beauty. Many a song has been written about the preference for a plump derrière. More than anything, tummy fat is seen in these communities as a symbol of womanhood, whether it be from childbearing or simply reaching the age of maturity.

Tragically, too many women in this country of all nationalities suffer from having a negative self-image. “Women carry [fat] where it is hard to hide,” says Simonds, “and worse, the standard of beauty against which they measure themselves grows more emaciated every year.” If every American woman went on the Model’s Diet (a diet Coke and a pack of cigarettes), in order to look like Gisele, very few of us would actually be able to get to her size because of our biological makeup. Instead of starving ourselves and working ourselves to exhaustion, we should all learn to love our body sizes, no matter what they are. If you’re skinny, love every tiny molecule of yourself. If you not super skinny, hey, there is just more of you to love. And if you listen carefully, you may just overhear some of those skinny girls wishing they had some of your curves. Remember, beauty and physical attractiveness is more than just the physical. In the words of an old disco tune, “We’ve got use what we’ve got to get what we want.” Shake it, flaunt it, show it, accentuate it, tattoo it, put a piercing through it. Learn to love your symbol of womanhood and carry it proudly with you wherever you go.


Works Cited:

Simonds, Merilyn. “Who’s Fit? Who’s Fat?” Equinox May/June 1995:
http://www.chrcrm.org/medal96.htm (Accessed 12 November 2002).

“Does Low body Weight Affect Fertility?” iVillage.
http://www.parentsplace.com/expert/fertilityspecialist/qas/
0,10338,238711_111583,00.html (Accessed: 12 November 2002).

home sweet home... sorta.

i moved back home to G'burg today... and the computer and stereo are hooked up, so i guess that kinda makes it official. i missed my ol' dial up... in a sick, twisted, i-love-torturing-myself-with-blunt-objects sort of way.

the move was easy, thanx to my superstar of a brother who came up and helped me. all of my exroommates were MIA all last night and today... so not only did i hafta struggle most of the day by myself, but i didn't really get to say goodbye to them either. that was kinda disappointing. who am i kidding... i have been poopie all day because of it.

but.

no matter, right?

they aren't going to be a big part of my life anymore, really... so i guess i should stop feeling sorry for myself and focus on the present and future. so yeah...

here's to the future.
may i not drown in my own tears from the social waste land i am about to fall into.

i'm really sad and scared.

i don't wanna move back home. i don't wanna screw up on my finals. i don't want to mess up the only sparkle of magic i have had over the last two years.

and well, it looks like i'm about to do all three of these things! and all within the same week! go me!!

.......


i know that i just need to suck this up and do what i need to do. i know this will make me stronger and better off. i know that i am doing the right things. but i also know that this is going to be hard. it's going to be hard and lonely. and i don't know how much lonelier my life could get.

i have to be prepared to deal with the choices i have made... but that sure as hell doesn't mean i am going to enjoy them all of the time.

who knows... this could be the beginnings of something new and beautiful... or a reaffirmation of what i need and want to do to avoid this in the future.

just know that if you see or talk to me over the next month or so, i am going to be out of it. utterly and completely out of it.

i'll need a hug.

screw you, ice!!

it almost seems fitting that during the most wretched time of the year that we are cursed with ugly snow. yep. you heard me. ugly snow. that's what happens after the magic of the powdery white goodness has worn off and all we have now is icky brown salty/cat littery mixed with slush and ice and black shit from the roads nastiness.

and that rain. bastards.

i've done all i can do
sitting here staring at you.
i think it's time i said what's on my mind.

my brother. MY mother fucking brother.

GuyNamMike: We live our lives in a world we made...we have made rules and stereotypes that we conform to...why? Live your own damn life and don't let the world bring you down. The majority sucks...those forged people...they can't live their own life because they are weak and can't express themselves. They get intoxicated and high because their lives are crappy and they hate it and want to sever away from the reality. So don't allow them bring you down. Stay strong and be yourself and not what others want you to be.
GuyNamMike signed off at 10:21:19 PM.


** Edited to add his final draft (after some adivce from yours truly):

GuyNamMike: ok
GuyNamMike: We live in a world with all of these unspoken rules and stereotypes. We live in this world that we made... and we conform to these rules. But why? Why do we push ourselves to fit into this mold? Why are people so afraid to do their own thing? Live your own damn life and don't let the world bring you down. The majority is too scared to be themselves. Those forged people... they are weak and can't express themselves. They get intoxicated and high because their lives are terrible and they hate it and want to sever away from the reality. So don't allow them bring you down. Stay strong and be yourself and not what others want you to be.
GuyNamMike: how dat?

with the combination of last night's amazing conversation and sharing, this morning's lazy start, the white outside, the creative process that is winterguard, christmas specials on tv and the romantic plans i have played out in my head more times than i can count...

i'm just feeling magical.



... i hope he feels it too.

you have got to be kidding me.

that's just retarded.

lock and load:

crazy, crazy night. the mixing of different worlds and colliding of people in my life. it so weird when you bring so many different aspects of who you are and what you do into the same circle. yesterday i had the most radical time doing ENGR orientation and redecorating the office... then heading over to Lupo's for a reunion dinner with the OA's from this summer... then making and indulging in some heavenly fudge and company at MariB's... then over to the courtyards for what proved to be the weirdest party i have EVER been to in my whole entire life... then to Plato's for late night dining with some rad TGWers... and then home to my heat-impaired house and ridiculously entertaining roommates.

i have SO missed being the social butterfly that i was yesterday. i ADORE people. i feed off of their energy and vibes... and anyone who saw me at any point last night can vouch for that.

oh, and don't worry... after i pack up some of my stuff and go back to G'burg for the evening... i will be sure to fill you in on details.

a side note: i think my favorite moment of the day is smacking the alarm clock and snuggling back into my bed. the chilly air in my room really does give me a new appreciation for my body warmth and cuddly goodness of my down comforter and 80 thousand pillows.
my second favorite moment of the day is getting into my cold ass bed and settling in for sleep. the sheets are like ice and it takes me 10 minutes to warm them up. my anemia accounts for my freezing fingers and toes, and for those 10 minutes i wiggle them and move them up and down my legs and arms to try to steal some of the heat radiating from the center of my body. it's chilling... and my mind wanders... setting me up nicely for a night full of unbelievable dreams.

sigh. the center of my world is my bed.

what the fuck?

someone actually got to my site using this search....

Google: pouring wet squishy food all over her ass

look what i found in the archives...

I have never seen such an ugly, fat, funny girl come alive
Like the way you did when tears lit up your eyes

As you spoke of the things that make you cry
The things that make you feel like you want to die
But leave your insides
Turned, twisted and alive

That alive feeling only a conflict can bring
Like the conflict my heart has with my self-conscious head
Every time I open my mouth only not to sing

The Rules:

1. If you meet a person at a party/bar/social gathering with alcohol and hook up with said person within the next 24 hours… it was a hook up.

2. If you meet a person at a party/bar/social gathering with alcohol and you dig them in a “iwanttodomorethanjusthookupwithyou” sort of way… do NOT hook up with said person within the next 24 hours.

3. If you plan on hooking up with someone… don’t EVER expect it to be more than that.

4. If it IS more than that… you should inform the other party involved BEFORE you hook up.

5. If it BECOMES more than that after hookuping… either keep your mouth shut and just enjoy the play, or come clean to partner.

6. Parties involved in random hook ups are not to get jealous or possessive of said hook up partner.

7. If one party becomes jealous/possessive… walk away… quickly.

8. They are called RANDOM hook ups for a reason. When/if one or both parties want to stop the hookuping… that is the end of it. PERIOD.

9. If you think you are DATING and not just HOOKING UP, then you should be able to discuss this openly with other party involved.

10. If every time you hang out you hook up and/or only hang out in order to hook up… you are NOT dating. You are hookuping.

11. If you want more that just a hook up… don’t lie and say all you want to do is have fun.

12. If you are happy and comfortable with yourself and being single… stop obsessing and bitching about guys hitting on you.

13. If you cannot hook up with a person without becoming attached to said person… DO NOT FUCKING HOOK UP WITH THEM AND STOP BITCHING ABOUT WHEN PEOPLE PLAY YOU.

But isn't that the point?

Doesn’t everybody want to be a walking contradiction?

Say one thing and do the other. Be full of mystery and beauty and things that don't make sense.

People make fun of me when I tell them that "things get to me.” People tell me I shouldn't be so sensitive. I shouldn't worry about it. I shouldn't think about it. What the hell else is the point of me being here then? If things don't get to me… if I'm not sensitive... if I don't think about it... then what makes it real? I don't wanna have things around me that don't get to me. I don't wanna participate in things that don't mean anything to me, or things that I wouldn't want to think about.

Our thoughts and our emotions and how things make us feel- that's really all we have. They determine our reality.

Everything in our lives is a feeling. We see it. We hear it. We smell it. We touch it. We sense it.

And all of those things are nothing without the brain that attaches some meaning to it. And well... I am going to attach meaning to everything. Nothing is "just there.” It's not there... it's making me feel something. I am sensing it. I am feeling it in some way. And people tell me that I shouldn't feel so much. That's like asking me to turn my life down, the volume is too loud.

Well screw that. I like it loud. And I'm good at it loud.
I'm good at living my life.

I'm good at having moments like these.

And frankly, moments like these are all I really want in my life, period. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. Moments like these are driving forces. They are the things that get to you.

You feel like you've opened your eyes for the first time. You feel like you've been looking at yourself in the mirror forever, but, for the first time, you actually see your beauty.

You notice something about you that you never noticed before.

I could spend a lifetime just trying to notice more things about myself. I would never run out of things to see. To hear. To smell. To touch. To feel. About myself. and if you take that and multiply it by all the other people on the planet that you could feel something from, for, about, around, instead of... we have a lot of options. We have a lot of opportunities. We have a lot of things that we take for granted and don't notice.

... He makes me notice. Like how I'm so much more aware of my mouth whenever he's in the room.