i know who done it!!

after spending 45 minutes chipping your car out from and inch thick layer of ice to deliver harry potter on CD to your pothead ex-boyfriend only to get rear-ended by some girl as you back out of his driveway you decide to stop by a friend's house coincidentally right next door with the intent of checking on friend who was in car accident earlier that week. after discussing painting toe-nails and sex in the city, you were joined by friend's non-pot-smoking current boyfriend and was invited to dinner but you decline because your roommates are making tacos. you come home to said tacos that are now cold and gross and then spend the next few hours with explosive diarrhea from said tacos that you could have passed on if you had just stayed for dinner at your friends' place right next to your ex-boyfriend's place. but no, you had to get home to work on your resume for an interview with a company that you really know nothing about for a job you aren't sure if you even want. and tomorrow will surely be interesting after the first interview when you head over to a community christian college to interview for another job you aren't sure you want. not to mention your commute to gaithersburg that evening to practice for a competition that you aren't sure your group is even registered for. but you don't actually have a space to practice in... so that will be an adventure. and then there is always the exciting possibility for another drama-filled staff meeting with drum guy who rejects you at least once a month but takes every opportunity to grab your ass when the kids aren't looking. bringing you back to ex-boyfriend who confessed to having an unhealthy obsession with your ass when you dropped off said harry potter cd at his house this evening.

it was ms. scarlet in the bathroom with a douche bag.

public service announcement:

hey matt can you please let me know the next time you'll be online? your host hates me and won't let me ftp anything up to my damn url. i need help.

In response ...

So I was reading this website. Hasn’t really been active in a while but I just had this feeling. I mean… the link from his buddy info was titled “confessions.”

I knew that he had dropped me an IM about my web page, and combining that with the handful of comments he has left on my site… and being that I am uber self-centered… I figured that there would be something about me up there.

And I must say that I am good. Very good.

Have a look for yourself... here.

This guy was a very close friend of mine in high school. Not exactly the kind that you hung out with everyday or talked to every night on the phone or anything… but someone you just easily clicked with. Someone you felt really caught the essence of who you were, and loved you for that.

I loved him for that.

Anyways, I guess this post is just my attempt to deal with such a challenge. In trying to think about my high school days and the people who were so important to me back then… it’s kind of fuzzy. I maybe speak to 3 of them on a regular basis now… and maybe a dozen others once in a while. Then there are the random encounters during breaks and various serendipities.

My closest friends- my powerhouse of support and social activity… yeah. Don’t really talk to any of them at all. Almost met up with them for lunch on Sunday, but everyone’s schedule was hectic.

And my best friend. I haven’t spoken to her in almost three years now.

I’m not saying all of this to justify not maintaining contact with anyone. We all know I’m bad at crossing social circles. I’m just trying to figure out why I am not having the same sort of problem with these facts.

I don’t mind that contact is not kept up. That’s how life is to grow up and move on. I will always consider my friends who just faded away my friends. Friendship is not something that I can disregard or pretend is not there. Even those friends that things ended badly with… I will always remember and acknowledge the time in my life when they were friends.

If my lack of current communication is making you feel like we weren’t close back in the day then you are full of poo and I don’t appreciate that. Just because I don’t write about you or IM you doesn’t mean that I don’t check your profile just like everyone else and it doesn’t mean that I don’t remember the good times we had.

But if you are certain that I don’t consider you a friend and that you need more from me to justify your desire to revive our friendship… then I’ll be totally honest in saying that I probably won’t meet your standards. Remember my posts about current friends?? How they all think I’m a horrid person and a bad friend?? Listen to them, save yourself the trouble and just start hating me now.

I don’t mean any of this to attack you or what you are feeling. I am just not opening myself into another pool of drama about what I should be doing in regards to my friendships. I truly believe that we pick our friends for a reason and that at certain times in our lives we will need certain relationships.

But if all of this is just an effort to hang out or something, stop pussy footing around the whole thing and ask me. I’ll say yes, dumbo.

ramble, ramble, link... link!

there is snow happening here this evening. everyone is crossing their fingers for no school tomorrow. especially my brother who will be attending community college for the first time ever! i told him not to get his hopes up because colleges are hardcore. but it will be fun even if i am alone... to make snow angels and take pictures with the digiC...

oh did i forget to mention that? i have a digital camera. this means, you guessed it!!

no... not boobies, you assholes.

my ankle hurts from the cold.

the royal rumble tonight was silly. poorly executed, big show. and my friend and yours, HBK did not win his title match against triple H. i am very sad about that. i did like all the blood though. matched is valentine pants.

speaking of pants... valentine's day is coming soon. and i have a plan. but i am worried that i should not bother with said plan. because the guy that the plan involves is really not a good prospect for me at all... but i think the event will be fun and that he will be flattered and devour me and my lavish gifts accordingly.

it is a goal of mine to be devoured again... and soon. yes. i mean devoured in that way. it has been a while. not that i'm bitter or anything.

right. any advice on achieving said goal that is not raunchy or unsafe... please leave advice below.

speaking of advice... rogan is getting antsy about her new advice column. anyone interested on being her first subject, please email me your problems. if you don't... then i have to be her guinea pig and i really don't want to hear anymore shit from her.

her column will be up with the new site at the new URL as soon as punk ass gets me my damn code.

feb. 1 is approaching fast and things are idle. i am getting scared. i mean even kia has got her shit up and running with the new movable type and the new domain.

ok. i will leave you with this. hope i didn't scare you.

it's not about how good it is.

it's that i did it. i made it. i saw it and believed in it enough that i could make it tangible.

all that matters is what it means to me.

and oh it means everything.

everything.

somewhere in between the four hours i spent this morning playing final fantasy x2 and the contemplation of my boobs already starting to sag at age 22 tonight in front of my bathroom mirror... i somehow managed to fool myself into thinking that i had a productive day.


R71780: what are u doin if u dont have a job
AmngStarz: i am the loser of the house
AmngStarz: i write poetry and fight with boys
AmngStarz: its glamorous

The Story So Far

So I was 18. Freshman in college. Winter of 99. Still hadn't had anyone give me an orgasm.

It was tragic. I was beautiful.

I met him one night on my best friend at the time, Nicole's front porch. She lived in the Kentlands with her mom. She was also tragically beautiful... but in a much scarier costume. Bright pink hair. Very fashionable. She was a photographer.

She was in love with him. Absolutely convinced that he was her prince charming.

But he wouldn't have sex with her. And she was getting very frustrated. She felt like there was something wrong with her.

What she didn't realize was that he still hadn't gotten over his exfiance. I mean... can you really get over someone like Lisa? I know that I never even kissed the monster and I still can't get her out of my mind.

This woman had a way of getting to people. Twisting them around her finger just like all of her amber jewelry. She only wore silver and amber jewelry. She had a hoop pierced through her two nostrils like a pig... she liked how this "ugly" thing could intimidate people so much.

Personally, I think she was just confused and lonely. She wanted to be everyone's everything.

Kinda like I did. But she was better at it so I was jealous. And then she would just hurt people with her influence. I really don't know anyone who has fond and happy memories of this beast when she came storming through.

Anyway... back to the boy.

His hair was bright red. If you put he and Nicole's heads together you'd have a candy dish's worth of valentine's day M & M's.

They were all smoking on the porch. I didn't smoke at all during that time so it was a bit pointless for me.

Nicole had been dating Don for over a month now and I hadn't met him. Should've taken the hint that she was scared of introducing us... for whatever reason.

Maybe she could see what was coming.

I didn't know until we ended up at his house maybe a week or so later and we, all three of us, ended up sleeping in the same bed.

Nicole in the middle, of course. And well... we thought she was asleep.

Get your minds out of the gutter. All we did was talk to the ceiling about the word epitome and its meaning.

To this day we still argue like we did that night. Like lovers who can say anything and know that it won't matter because neither of us will change our opinion or give up on the discussion.

That's pseudo-sophisticated talk for foreplay.

A month or so later Nicole broke up with him and moved onto his roommate, Jeff because he had a bigger penis and would fuck the shit out of Nicole right away. Plus Jeff was in love with me but knew he couldn't get me so he was settling for my best bud. Jeff is very talented at finding the beautiful in people and falling in love with that.

Did I mention the size of his penis?

Anyway. Back to the boy.

I didn't want to be with him. I told him that I wouldn't do that to Nicole. I told Nicole I would never do that to Nicole. But then Nicole told Liz that she and Don would be good together and that Liz should go for it.

Of course Liz didn't believe that shit. But good intentions are not enough, people. Time went on. Nicole got weird. Nicole got resentful. Whether I was with Don or not there was one fact that was clear above all else.

He wanted to be my prince charming. Not hers.

And she would never forgive me for that.

Valentine's Day was coming. I had 4 suitors. I bailed on all of them and spent the night at home, alone, while my family slept.

He brought me a baby pink rose and we ordered the worst pizza i've ever had in my life. Then I snuck him up into my room and he stayed until I can't remember.

The details and logistics of this relationship are not important right now. But I lost of one many best friends.

Because you see she thought that I set out from the beginning to manipulate my way into his heart. And he still believes to this day that all my words and actions are carefully contracted strategery to get him to adore me yet keep him at bay all at once.

That I want him to be helplessly in love with me thus leaving me to fuck him over like a previously charming beast had done not as long ago as we would like to think.

... ugh ... brain fart. don't wanna talk about that anymore.




This week was hard. He came to visit from Arizona. For the first time in 2 years.

This week was hard.

And neither of us could really figure out why. Until the end. Then it was clear... we just need and want more time. We have horrible timing. But not in that cute way like Serendipity.

In each other's absence, the last two years have been full of us using the other as an excuse. Things will be better when Don moves back home. If Liz were here I wouldn't be so lonely. I can't fall in love with anyone else... I have to save myself for Don. Liz is at the top of the list for people I would want to spend the rest of my life with... what's the point of fucking around with girls who don't compare? No one has ever challenged my mental powerhouse of bullshit and ideals like Don has. Maybe he's the only one who gets me.

One week is not enough time to get anyone. Each day added new issues that got in the way of us enjoying each other's company. It was such a sad thing to be a part of. I felt farther away from him this week than I did over the two years of his absence.

Needless to say, we did not make any music together... literally or figuratively.

And now I can't hide behind this dream of an excuse I created anymore. I held back with everyone and everything. I told myself there wasn't enough room in my heart and that nothing else could be as special.

I was wrong.

He is not my magical gatekeeper into paradise. He can't get me writing. or singing. He can't make me happy. In fact the only thing he successfully did this week was make me unhappy. Make me question myself and everything about me. From my taste in music to my weight to my sexual maturity to the way I run my fingers through my hair.

There is no such thing as prince charming. And I wouldn't want one even if there was. I just want someone good, honest and complicated beyond words to let in. I'm sick of having it all together and having all of the answers. I wanted to show him that I didn't... but when I tried to let him in... and he didn't really want to step inside. He thought I was being weird, manipulative, untruthful...

I think maybe he just wanted me to be his princess.

Sweet, innocent, witty and intelligent to a point. Harmless and passive in the public eye but a raging temptress in the bedroom.

And well I am those things... but so much more in addition. And I need someone who wants all the parts of me. Including the neurotic, anal, obnoxious, weak and scary parts.

I just wanted him to know how important he was and is to me. What part he played. I didn't tell you the whole story above... that will take a long time and I already have two novels in the works that aren't making the progress that they should. But this guy taught me so much about myself and about life and about love...

He's one of the most important people in my life. I love him so much that sometimes I can't separate the fuzzy for him and my family.

I don't care if we end up together or not. I just wanted him to know... and believe me. And not think it was some ploy to get him to fall for me again. He told me he held back and that he was scared all week because he couldn't deal with his feelings for me.

He said he was in love with me.

But that's not love. Love doesn't do what he did to me this week.

We hurt each other bad. Real bad.

Further proof that he touches me on such a deep level. But then again... proof that I touch him too I guess.

sigh.

I wish I could just sit this keyboard in my brain and have it just show you everything inside. Words don't do this justice. Absolutely none at all.

I sat down to write this the second he walked out of my house because I needed to get back to me. To get him out of there. To purge this fantasy world centered around this love I've never felt before.

I'm not in love with him. But I love him with all of the chords of ringing harmony in every great rock ballad ever written. I see a life so rich and full of everything for him... and I am touched to be any part in it.

Even if my part is a tragically beautiful one.

But I gotta let this go. I gotta let myself go.

ok. my toes are numb. peace.

i can't fall asleep at night because i'm too busy going over everything that happened that day.
because i know that if i don't think about them as soon as possible...

i won't remember half of the little things that eventually
will turn into the moments
that make up my memories.

and i just want to have a mind full of memory moments.
because that's all really life is in the end... what you remember of your journey.




oh oh. one more thing. important.

Big Fish. made me cry harder than any other movie i've ever seen in the theater. and if you see this film and it doesn't touch you... i feel so sorry for you. yer missin all the magic.

new attitude on things:

for every guy that things don't work out with... that's just once step closer to narrowing it down to the one i'll share my world with.

::cracks knuckles::

still got a lot of steps ahead of me, i guess.

took a big one today. congratulate me.

::shakes hand::

thanx.

so why have i not been producing?

let's see...

aside from the holiday thing, the friends being in town for break, the winterguard show planning, the job hunt (ugh), the fixing up the house, the new on demand cable we got for free...

i'm pretty much just setting things up for the new site. this may seem like a simple task, but it's a lot more work than i thought. some of the items on my to do list are:

- go through archives and pick posts to spotlight (it's very humbling... and mind-numbing to go back through a lifetime of writing).

- organize different sketches and pieces to print and put up for sale. figure out if kinko's will be the best place to get prints made.

- figure out how to organize items for sale using cafe press as well as creating my own thumb-nailed gallery.

- get friendly with paypal.

- select and organize lyrics for when my musical partner from arizona gets into town this saturday. this is all in hopes of recording demo and putting up samples on new site.

- wait for table coding from wabbit and then finalize new layout, templates for subpages and style sheet.

- design and code layout for rogan's new advice column

- spotlight old featured writers and beg people for submissions for future features.

- get ideas and set up for my locks of love project.

- worship range for helping me be able to afford my new domain.

- work with matt and his gracious offer to host the new site once i move.

- depending on how everything goes... get my portfolio together and start whoring myself out.

yep. i'm kinda scared even to think about everything that i need to do. battles with self doubt and fear of failure are full blown inside the pit of my stomach. but thank you to everyone i listed above and to everyone else who has been there listening to my computer mishaps, helping me get motivated and stay encouraged to go through with this and for the constant inspiration and competition supplied by all those creative souls that i try to surround myself with.

my tentative release date is Sunday, February 1st... even if everything isn't up to par yet. thank you for still hitting up the site in this lull before everything gets going. i appreciate the patience too.

mark your calendars, loves.

but does beauty just mean brevity?

things are in the mix...

i've added a donations button to the bottom of my FAQz page.

feel free to help me out with getting my world domination plan going.

again... i'm not kidding. and yes. i'm asking for handouts.

mona lisa... smile.

It didn't serve up entertainment on a platter. You had to work for it. You had to think about it.

Sure, there is the surface level lesson of following your heart... but more importantly was the message about mistakes. Failures.

Choice.

It's not something you make once. It's something you make every single second of every breath or every smile of every day of every movement of every song of every kiss goodnight or goodbye of every time you felt yourself fall of every time you smiled to yourself of every time you got the chance to anything of every lifetime you could ever dream or deny yourself.

That run-on sentence doesn’t even do it poetic justice.

It wasn't about the acting. Or the predictable plot progression. Or the idiosyncrasies between him and her and she and he.

It was about the thought. The choice you make about opening your mind. The choice to even consider- let alone do.

I will never hate on someone for doing anything as long as they have considered.

I bet half of you probably won’t even get my point. But that’s all right I suppose. Maybe it was only my point to get.